Persisting in Hope

We were reminded at mass tonight to be persistent in all things.  I'm so thankful this little one helps me personally to be persistent in hope even amidst the darkest of days and despair.

Charlotte Ann has taught me so much in the seven months (+ 9 months) she has been with us.  Her natural sense of wonder and curiosity in everything around her helps me to stay in the present and to focus on the positives.  She finds joy in the simplest things and seeing her smile and hearing her laugh brings joy to my heart.  Her very presence has made such a tremendous impact on Adam's and my life and has been a constant source of happiness/excitement even as I yearn for what we can't have.  As thrilled and grateful I am for her, a huge part of me is still in mourning over all that was lost on the night of her birthday and I don't know how to deal with it.  However, I will keep trying as best as I can.  As we heard during the homily tonight:  Be persistent.  It brings peace and everything works as a result.  Be persistent in scripture reading. Be persistent in prayer.  Be persistent in love of God.  We also heard read to us from 2 Timothy 3:14 - 4:2:

Proclaim the word; be persistent whether it is convenient or inconvenient; convince, reprimand, encourage through all patience and teaching.

How fitting to hear these words during a mass that was dedicated to our intentions!!  I think this is a great piece of scripture to base our family philosophy on.....keep believing in the truth even when it gets messy.  Be patient and all things will work for the good of the Lord even if the dark outweighs the light at the moment. These words made me think of struggles I've been experiencing in not wanting to pray...in subconsciously filling up all my time so that when I do pray, I fall asleep in the midst of it and in being angry with God....in perhaps clinging on to the sadness and despair over the newly experienced infertility amidst the new life that seems to surround us.  I often wonder why God would lead us to this particular town to start our family amidst so many large families.  All around us are thriving young families and at times, I feel as if I'm rotting away or dying on the inside as if I were a stagnant wilting weed against blossoming flourishing blooms in a garden.  I didn't realize the extent of my despair until Adam questioned aloud whether or not he made the wrong decision in saying yes to the hysterectomy a couple weeks ago.  Never in a million years would I blame Adam for the outcome but rather instead was angry with God. Hearing Adam, who is usually a cheerful jovial support, express doubt or worry helped snapped me back to reality.  I know that it was a life or death situation due to all the blood loss and continued bleeding at that point and no other alternative could be considered.  I recognize the gravity of the situation and that this was the only "choice" we had.  My head gets it but the heart is still working on it....

The days come and go.  Some items get crossed off the to-do list and others get tacked on to the bottom of it.  Through it all though little Charlotte adds brilliant rays and bursts of sunshine to each day and fills the coldness with her giggly warmth and sometimes drooly smiles.  However, the other night after a long day at work and upon learning a colleague is expecting and due one day before Adam's and my wedding anniversary next year, I cried the whole way home.  Granted it is only a seven minute drive but it was enough time to let the tears fall and wonder yet again why things have to be the way they are.  By the time I got home and saw our sweet angel sound asleep in her crib, I had managed to push the feelings aside and turn my attention back to chores/tasks for the next workday.  As long as I keep busy, I find that I am able to get by....but then at times, am too busy to pray let alone try to process all that has happened.  So, tonight, at the mass that was offered up for our family (what a thoughtful and sweet "Welcome to the World Charlotte" gift from a family friend) I heard God's message loud and clear through the homily in singularly reminding me of the importance of praying without ceasing.  This point was also made during last Thursday night's Women of Grace study I'm participating in at my church.  Sometimes, one has to behave the way into believing and keep persisting until it comes without much effort again.  Another Godicidence that occurred during this mass was the opening song of the mass was the same as the song I sang during chorus try-outs back in 6th grade:  Glory and Praise to Our God by Dan Schutte.  Yes, what a good reminder to give glory and praise to our God who alone gives light to our days (like our precious sweet Charlotte) and many are the blessings He bears to those who trust in His ways.  I'm trying....oh goodness am I trying.  This happened last weekend in NC when one of our pre-wedding mass songs "Though the Mountains May Fall" also by Dan Schutte played as the opening song at the mass we attended at my old church.  I also appreciated that the responsorial psalm for last week's mass was the same as our wedding mass.  Fr. Vince's homily on woundedness cut straight to my heart last week and continued to impact me tonight as I reflected on tonight's homily as well.

So, here we are midway through October, the month that, in 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  October always was one of my favorite months but it has now taken on a different meaning. So many of my family/friends have miscarried and experienced this incredible pain or wound firsthand.  Thinking of and praying for all my family/friends and those I don't know who are parents of angels here with us and those in Heaven in a special way during this month devoted to infertility awareness while also thinking of others who are experiencing secondary infertility as Adam and I are.  Big hugs to you all.  <3

Charlotte Ann is seven months old!

Lots of growing happened but so did lots of tiredness too.

And just like that Charlotte is 7 months old!  

Celebrating cousin AJ's Baptism over Labor Day Weekend

Where does she come up with these faces?!

 

Hanging out with Aunt Liz at Aunt Maureen's Golden Jubilee Mass and Celebration

It was so surreal seeing the nuns from my youth holding Charlotte in their arms.  Also seeing my niece and nephews run around the convent and dining hall took me back to when my brothers and I did the same at their age.

Standing where my parents had their wedding photos taken!

Charlotte didn't seem too impressed with the flower perched atop her head from one of her cousins.

Love my godson's smile!

These two cousins are exactly two months apart.  :)

Can't believe how much Mason Noelle has grown!

Grandparents' Day with Grammy and Pappy before they returned home to Pennsylvania

Love seeing the joy on my parents' faces as they interact with our daughter!  Can't wait to do it with Charlotte's Grandma and Pa in less than three months now!

Ok, I'm over the picture taking Mom!

Busted...she saw me through the window when she and Pappy were enjoying each other on the front porch.

She started grabbing on to anything that dangles, including dog collars, this past month.

She didn't mind the times Hershey opted to sit on her.

Charlotte enjoyed new toys this past month including this stacking ring toy.

 

Mmm, socks!

This is the look Charlotte usually has on her face when I read aloud to her the Woman of Grace readings and material from the weekly bible study I'm participating in at church.  She seems to prefer the theme song rather than the readings. 

She loves her solids!

Adam and I had a gift of a date day when a friend from work gave us Kennywood passes!

We had fun at the amusement park and knew Charlotte was in good hands at Aunt Marie & Uncle Bill's house but missed her!

Best buddies

Lots of kicking has been happening this month as Charlotte continues exploring her growing muscles and limbs.

Tummy time for everyone!

Like I said, she REALLY likes solids.  ; )

It is still a challenge getting shoes to stay on her feet for more than a few seconds!

 

Getting better at tummy time with each day!

Getting ready to go consignment sale shopping with Grammy and Mommy!

Yes, I want this mobile please!

 

She is so over the picture taking here....look at that expression on her face!

Always going after the jewelry...

Please....noooo more pictures you guys!

The delicious apple cider, yummy pumpkin roll, music, and time spent outside with my parents and Adam at the pumpkin patch was a great way to start my favorite month!

She enjoyed her toy from earlier this summer thanks to Pappy fixing the batteries for us!

She sure enjoys the consignment sale purchase of the mobile!

Charlotte enjoyed going to a couple meetings with me at work this past month.

Packing for the trip to NC!

Giggles galore!

I'm ready for the road trip to NC!

Charlotte can't wait to jamberry her toes and fingers like Mommy some day!

Charlotte has made a lot of gains this past month and is trying new things every day it seems.  She is currently eating squash, oatmeal, baby cereal, and sweet carrots.  She enjoys breakfast and has also been spending her meal times helping me with my weekly Women of Grace bible study.  I completed this study twice in my mid 20s from the spiritual motherhood standpoint but it has been just as rewarding and, at times, eye opening doing it now as physical mother.  Charlotte loves when I sing the theme song to her.  She also still loves when Daddy sings to her.  Her favorite thing to do right now is to find the tag on everything whether it be clothing, toys, towels, even her bibs or burp cloths.  She will stay intensely absorbed in examining and playing with the tag barely breaking concentration even if Adam and I try to distract her.  She also is at the stage of grabbing…fistfuls of hair, rubbing her own head, grabbing on to long sleeves now that the weather is starting to turn a bit cooler, a dog’s tail or ear, and my necklace.  I’ve already had to take it in to be repaired twice.  I wonder how many more times the chain will snap before she outgrows this phase?!

Charlotte weighed in at 15 lbs. 4 oz. and measured at 25.25 inches long at her appointment in mid September.  She is still transitioning out of 3-6 month clothing and easing her way into 6 month sizes.  She prefers comfort over fashion in that she kicks her shoes off within seconds of our putting them on her little feet.  

On the days I’m at work, I’m amazed at how much I can’t wait to get back home just to see this precious little girl.  Mondays are rough because I only see her in the mornings.  She is usually sound asleep by the time I get home after 9pm on those days.  With each Monday that passes though, I know we’re that much closer to the end of the semester when I get my time back with her.  Next summer will be so glorious with not having to leave her the three days a week I do now.  My heart goes out to those parents who have to do it all five days of the work week!

Charlotte continued to work on rolling this past month and has been spending more and more time on her belly during tummy time.  She is getting quite good at lifting herself up and taking in the view from that vantage point while looking like she *might* crawl then scooting backwards instead.  She still needs support sitting but once in that position does a good job of sort of maintaining balance.  She still sleeps on her back with her hands up by her head in a victorious pose but in the mornings will lay on her side trying to play with her toes.  It’s the cutest thing.  Some of her favorite things are to be put in her car seat, watching her pups chase one another throughout the house, bath time, cuddling, sleeping through the night, and grabbing anything in sight.

Charlotte has also increased her communication skills this past month.  She is still babbling and cooing (some would even say squawking) and signs “milk” when she’s hungry.  She definitely lets us know when she is through with something and ready for the next event or activity.  Another trick she does is to use her feet or legs to get a toy that is out of reach.  In fact, this afternoon I watched as she picked up her toy keys with her feet then dropped them into her outstretched hands….talk about problem solving in figuring out how to get the toy she desired while lying on the changing table!  Charlotte also enjoys watching what’s happening from her high chair.  She leans back and leans forward in it demonstrating excellent balance.  

Charlotte will go South for the first time today.  She gets to go to her first wedding this weekend and I can’t wait to take her to my old church in North Carolina too!

Thank you, adorable piece of our hearts, for being such a beautiful part of our lives over the last 7 months!  Love you to the moon and back and then some!