I was asked to list one thing I'm grateful for today. Well...today
is my (twin's and my) birthday (yay!) and we're exactly one week from my daughter's
first birthday. Today feels like a huge deal because I wouldn't be here
if it weren't for the fast acting medical staff and doctors who saved my life the night
of my daughter's birth once complications were discovered a few hours after her arrival.
There have been many
dark days since last March 7th when I grieve for the siblings we can't
give Charlotte Annie or the large family we had planned but I'm so
incredibly thankful to be here as I am and to be able to experience life the
way it is turning out rather than for Adam to have to tell Charlotte today was Mommy's birthday but instead it is Mommy's birthday!
I am especially grateful for seemingly simple
things like pampering myself by wearing a necklace Adam gave me for Valentine's Day, some new birthday perfume from him, and getting a bright new colorful outfit
to wear in the mail after I splurged a little and purchased my first LulaRoe outfit over the weekend. I plan to wear it to my daughter's birthday party if it fits! These are little things but I can't help but view them differently when I think of how close we came to the story turning out differently last March.
I want to remember the
joy and bright times more than the dark times and reflecting on actually
being able to be here to celebrate my birthday and that of Charlotte's
next Tuesday is helping me to focus on the good more than the bad! The many well wishes expressed to me at work by caring colleagues and students alike as well as the love shown via social media, texts, emails, and calls remind me that we're not in this alone but we're all companions on the journey! Thank you all for the sweet love shown today and every day!!
We rock back and forth
as we've done so many other nights
Her fine hair standing up on her head swaying in the slight breeze
Utterly relaxed and content she teeters on the edge of dreamland and sleep.
From her snuggly cozy position in my arms
she is slowly drinking the last of her milk.
Tiny fingers reach up and twist themselves around my necklace gingerly embracing the heart charm
and her little legs bounce in excitement.
She doesn't know it yet but she is my heart.
She is the most precious gift.
From her bright eyes oh so blue to the little dimple that makes an appearance during a certain smile or the face she makes when she crinkles her nose and the cooing and babbling she makes
to her skin soft as silk
she has been such a blessing to her Daddy and me.
We rock back and forth and she giggles with glee
as I lean in and kiss her on both cheeks.
The only other sound is the occasional creaking of the rocking chair
and her slowing down rhythmic breathing as her eyelids begin to grow heavy.
I hope she will always know how much she was wanted
how much she is loved
and how much joy she has brought since her arrival.
We rock back and forth but my mind, too, goes back and forth
from sheer joy to unimaginable despair
thinking of all that has happened in the last year.
Lost in my thoughts with the sleeping babe
she stirs, sighs, then drifts off again
before the solitary tear rolls off my cheek and lands on her hair.
Uninterrupted by this small drop, she is at peace
reminding and teaching me to try at least.
We rock back and forth these days
my little family.
Up and down, side to side
each day is the chance to try to embrace the cross all the more and grow in grace.
From day one, she has always looked up as if to search for an answer from Heaven
even in the middle of the night during those constant feedings in the early days.
I already miss the chances to rock baby girl thinking of how the day will come when she will want this rocking and cuddling no more.
There I go again with the mind thinking of possible options of what might happen and going back and forth...
However, I will just lean in and breathe that baby smell
as we rock back and forth
and thank God for this heavenly time of the present
as my heart swells from being so full of love for our little angel.
February 7th is here. That means Charlotte Ann is 11 months old today! Only one more month until she turns 1 year old! I'm happy and sad about that but am trying to soak up all the cuddly giggly moments as much as I can.
To be honest, I am in denial over her turning one next month. I've already begun preparations for her family birthday party and am excited to see everyone but part of me wants to stay frozen in the moments that followed 2:03pm last Monday, March 7th, when we met Charlotte Annie for the first time. Each day that goes by puts us farther away from the pure bliss and joy of birthing Charlotte and thinking this was just the beginning of growing our family rather than the ending. Each time a comment is made about, "Is she your first?" or "Have you any other children?" it is like a mini sword piercing the heart and experiencing the surprise, grief, anger, denial, remorse, sadness of the first couple days weeks of Charlotte's life comes flooding back to me. However, I want to also remember the joy and tremendous happiness too. Sweet Charlotte has brought more love and joy to our lives than we could have ever envisioned or imagined. Life is such a precious thing and nothing is guaranteed so I am so so so grateful for the blessings we have been given and for the support over the last eleven months as well.
In a way it feels like so much time has passed since last March and in another way, I feel as if I was just pregnant last week. Slowly, I've been selling or donating my maternity clothes in an effort to let go of parts of last year but with every milestone and something new Charlotte does, I feel not only pride and happiness but also sadness that this is one more milestone checked off her "to-do" list. I don't want to hold her back but I do want to slow down time to try to relish these moments all the more...especially since we will only experience these "firsts" once!
Personality-wise, Charlotte is still a pretty easygoing and happy go lucky baby. She only really seems to fuss if she needs a diaper change, is hungry, or has stayed up past her bedtime. Lately, she has been making these funny little faces where she furrows her brow, shakes her head no, or engages in "head banging" through rocking herself forward and backward, especially when in her high chair since she has discovered she can move it by rocking it! This past weekend, she also started grunting and making pirate sounds then laughing at herself. Hilarious!!
She enjoys her activity cart, activity box, and flower gardening toys she received at Christmas. She plays independently with those toys for long stretches of time and still enjoys reading her books. She has taken more interest in the pups by "talking" to them and reaching for them (she likes Dusty Shamrock's tail and Hershey Bear's collar) and/or petting them (grabbing handfuls of fur). They are so good with her and rarely leave her side.
Charlotte continues to cock her head to one side and stare intently at someone when "flirting" and she LOVES children. No matter how old or young, she attempts to communicate with other kiddos by grunting, making eye contact, squealing, smiling, and laughing at them. She has started to try to clap and still flaps her arm as her "wave" hello to others. Baths continue to be a favorite for her especially when she splashes and kicks her legs in the water. She has started to take an interest in her stuffed animals more this month but still is drawn in by the tag on toys and stuffed animals.
She is not interested in walking or crawling just yet though she does tolerate tummy time for longer amounts of time than in previous months. She will sometimes move her legs in a crawling motion, especially if a dog is lying next to her or if Adam or I are tickling her feet to encourage movement. She has figured out how to grasp objects out of her reach when on her belly by pulling the blanket toward her (with the toy on top of it)...so she's a clever one!
The world of food has changed so much for her in the last couple of months. She doesn't drink as many bottles since she's eating more solids. Recent new foods are chicken noodle and strawberry banana...mmm! She definitely anticipates what is happening when perched in her high chair and watching every move Adam or I make in preparing her bowl. She LOVES playing peek a boo and will giggle every time you make a pirate sound at her showing her emerging sense of humor. She enjoys putting objects into containers and clapping toys together like cymbals. Charlotte enjoys double fisting it or holding toys in both hands now and she enjoys shaking her toys too. She sits without help and sits for longer periods of time. She holds her own bottle but also likes to flick it around by the nipple resulting in spilled milk and wet clothes and anything else that might be near her! We tried giving her a sippy cup (three different kinds of cups) but she isn't interested in that just yet. She also doesn't like the taste of water. There is no fooling her! She smiles back at herself when in front of a mirror and will imitate sounds she hears engaging in turn taking within conversation. She loves to people watch and take in everything in her environment especially if there are bright lights.
Things I want to remember:
The way she greets us in the morning ~ always so happy and smiley
Her adorable little legs and how she kicks them in excitement
Watching her interact with others, especially children, as she is such a social butterfly!
Hearing her say "Dada", "bababa", and "ge, ge, ge"
How she is always surprised when I give her a puff to eat...she makes an expression, like, "Hey, I can chew these with my teeth?!" She hasn't quite grasped the concept of putting the food in her mouth as she likes to play with the food or throw the puffs overboard to her waiting pups.
Loving the still sleeping through the night gig she's got down pat!
You always go straight for your hammer when playing with the activity mat (random!)
How she seems to genuinely like puppies
The fact that she loves being around Mommy and Daddy in one room together (Mommy does too)! :)
Eating a puff for the first time ~ so this is what teeth do? They chew?!
She fell asleep in the middle of tummy time. ; )
She enjoyed being upright with Daddy's help for about 10-15 minutes!
Early in the New Year, some of Charlotte's cousins came for a quick overnight sleepover!
Look at that furrowed brow!
Sound asleep ten minutes later...Zzz!
Loved having a living room full of sleeping kiddos! <3
Apparently, so did the pups. :)
Lazy quiet Sunday after the kiddos left (notice Charlotte Annie playing in the left hand corner of the photo)...
Love these snuggly quiet moments!
Charlotte approved of one of our new games we received for Christmas!
Love going to Adoration with my family. Thank you Jesus!
First day of school for the both of us! (Orientation)
That hair!!
Blowing raspberries
Tummy time is tiring!
Charlotte came to Game Night with us right before the spring semester got started...she enjoyed hanging out with her crush, Isaac. ; )
Adam getting ready for the first day of classes the next day. <3
I hope she doesn't stop doing this for a long time!
Love this sweet gift from a friend!
Not related to Charlotte, but we also discovered a place that has my beloved pretzel cones this past month!!
Reading stories with Marita!
Dusty stayed upstairs as we worked on standing before having a girly night of watching a movie to celebrate Marita's birthday!
This is one of my all time favorite photos of Adam and Charlotte from a recent dinner out a restaurant.
Don't let the picture fool you, she does not like water and she will stick to her bottles thank you very much!
She is very aware of the camera nowadays!
Playing while Daddy is reading his homework.
Cutest giraffe I've ever seen!
Dusty Shamrock is definitely her cuddle partner!
I guess, for Dusty, a perk to having a baby in the house is having all the stuffed animals around to cuddle as well.
Such worried look on her face...
...that quickly turned into a smile!
Love having two days out of the work week that I'm home with my girl! She has all of my heart that's for sure!
Impromptu photo shoot with our little cupcake so that we could create her birthday invitations for family!
Hanging out with some friends one Friday night! Charlotte is right in the middle, age-wise, between this handsome little guy and one of his big sisters! I'm excited Charlotte and Isaac get to grow up together! <3
Super Bowl Sunday fun!
Charlotte spent more time flicking her bottle around by the nipple than watching football though.
You can't see it but Charlotte and Isaac were hanging out at game night on the floor by my feet...the pic is earlier in this posting. It's so cute seeing how Charlotte interacts with other kiddos!
First day of classes for Daddy!!
The last video I shared in this blog posting is one of my all time favorites. Charlotte loves to laugh!!
Speaking of which, she sure does make us laugh...take a look at our attempts at the 11th month photo this afternoon!
In this photo, you can see what she does with her mouth when she's tired and trying to put herself to sleep.
Love this one but the sticker was cut off from the picture...!
This one was runner up!
My third favorite...silly Dusty had dropped his toy right when I took this photo though!
This was right when she was about done and ready to stop with the photos.
Finally, after humoring Mommy, here is the 11 month photo!
Stay sweet pretty girl of ours in pink! <3
The many well wishes expressed to me at work by caring colleagues and students alike as well as the love shown via social media, texts, emails, and calls remind me that we're not in this alone but we're all companions on the journey! Thank you all for the sweet love shown today and every day!!
