Momming and Working

This picture of us working this morning makes all the long hours worth it...to see the looks on the audience members' faces, to hear their stories, and to help make connections...all for the good of students is so gratifying.

This pick me up of a post that was shared on the conference's email update of day one of the conference helped to ease my mama's heart. Having driven to Columbus with my colleague after work yesterday, we woke up bright and early today to get ourselves registered and in the room for our presentation. However, prior to all that  I had received messages from my parents and husband saying that Charlotte was upset with a hurting ear. We decided to keep her home and try to get her in for an appointment with the pediatrician.

What timing! This was the first time she complained about her ear hurting and it was when I was 2 hours and 47 minutes away from her. However, my parents were there which was a huge help as I knew she was in good hands with them. In spite of presenting with my colleague for 75 minutes and having 115-120 people attend, my focus became that of trying to get back home ASAP so I could scoop Charlotte up in a huge hug.

An unexpected bonus was that we came out of our session to the news that our manuscript on the content of today's talk *might* be accepted pending revisions. Yippie! Praise God for these small moments of affirmation along the way - - especially when the mom guilt starts creeping in or doubts about trying to serve through the vocation of mamahood and teaching seem to be at odds with each other at times.   Seeing the above picture someone had taken while we were working that wound up being the only picture from a conference session that was posted on the conference's recap of the first day helps me to see that joy can come from multiple sources...through family and through work.  I also was able to get home and see Charlotte just a few hours after her appointment with her pediatrician!  She did wind up having an ear infection in her right ear but seems to be doing better after having started with the medicine. 

See below link for other snapshots from today's first day of the conference https://mailchi.mp/ocali.org/ocalicon_2019_bsp_issue12?e=10dd836da8 .  Pretty cool stuff!  ;)

How do I follow my friends' lives going where I can't follow...?

This past week, I learned of four separate friends' pregnancies. One is even having twins! That means five beautiful babies are growing and being formed in their mothers' wombs at this very moment.  Hearing of all these blessings and seeing the excitement and joy on their mothers' faces reminds me of the first days of pregnancy with Charlotte which brings me joy as I share in the exciting news...then the sadness swirls all around again as my broken heart and the reality of my broken-ness reappear.

How do I follow my friends' lives going where I can't follow...literally and figuratively? While others are excitedly counting down to due dates that will soon become birthdays and the child or children are transforming into becoming big siblings, in my mind's eye, I look at us and see us on a separate path---our family's path.

Charlotte is oblivious to it all, telling us the color of the sky with glee and that she wants to hide in the clouds like the airplane we watched from the car did this morning. Adam is cheerful and content with little Charlotte perched on his shoulders as he engages in the silly talk with our daughter.

Yet, when I look at myself in this image, I am trudging along slowly shuffling my feet. I want to walk with a bounce in my step like I used to but feel as if I am in a fog and so very heavy and weighed down with it all. Last week, I was reminded of the importance of standing in the gap or facing this hardship head on and not numbing or dulling the pain. In theory this all sounds so cathartic and healing--but it is overwhelming to have so many opportunities to have to face these feelings of being broken and feeling "not enough" in this aspect of my life as of late. I can already feel myself wanting to succomb to the default of isolating or staying away from these situations/triggers but then I would never be able to leave the house so something has to give.

I saw a billboard tonight that said, "Fight your fears faithfully" that made me so angry. The billboard was advertising the hospital where Charlotte was born and, if I am being honest, where I blame the story turning out the way it has. I had faith in the hospital. I trusted the doctor. I believed God would provide. 3.5 years later, I am trying to increase my faith in embracing the path I am on even though I so badly want to follow the path I had always envisioned and see so many others on my preferred path each day yet it's forbidden to me. I see a locked gate barring my entry and it's so incredibly lonely on this path but I have to trust that God has me on this one instead. Otherwise, what is the point? So what do I do? I either try to move so fast, with my head buried in all the work that needs done so that I can't slow down and see what I am missing or I can barely put one foot in front of the other as I try to catch up to Adam and Charlotte and keep from being dead weight holding them back...

I could use prayers tonight, please.  I have also been drawing strength from the Holy Family this past semester. I have been pondering how Joseph and Mary faithfully lived out their vocation of family even though it was created and formed in such a different way than they envisioned! Did they, too, have plans of bringing many children into the world? Did they have any sets of multiples on either side and hope that one day they might have twins, triplets, or more one day??

What I do know is Joseph and Mary demonstrated and modeled a selfless love that had Jesus at the center. Please pray that I can turn my eyes back to the path meant for me/my family and to look at it with acceptance rather than anger, to view the broken parts of me with compassion rather than feelings of comparison, and to grow in unabashed joy and decrease in jealousy allowing for more room for God to fill the void and cracks.