#lovelikeSha

Sunday will mark one year since a friend I can only describe as effervescent left us.  I can hardly believe it's been that long.  On the one hand, it feels like this time last year was yesterday yet in other ways it feels as if it was a lifetime ago.

No one will ever replace Sha.  No one could.  She was a once in a lifetime type of friend who was not afraid to sit with you and walk with you during hard times.  I have no doubt she would have reached out in March and April as we accompanied Dad during his final days.  I imagine what she would have said or done at this time eight months ago.  I sometimes wonder what she would say if she knew of the latest professional developments of working out of two grants and working on three separate book/chapter deals at the moment.  I can almost hear her make a fuss over Charlotte Annie and "ooo and ahh" over her dancing as Charlotte would show off her latest dance moves during a video chat.  Heck, she would probably even start dancing on her end of the call to go along with Charlotte's moves.  ;)

 

When I think back to the last time Charlotte actually did video chat with Sha, it was when she chose her to call when she wanted to tell someone she was going potty.  Sha completely rolled with it and was nonplussed when she answered the video chat to find a three year old sitting on the potty.  She cheered and made Charlotte grin from ear to ear encouraging her to keep up the good work.  The last time I had a video chat with Sha was when some of the students from Women's Ministry were sitting around my dining room table discussing the virtue of hope and the value of gracefully bearing suffering.  We all immediately thought of Sha as we had all been in Austria together the previous semester.  On a whim, I picked up the phone and on the spot called Sha.  Propped up in a hospital bed, she smiled into the phone and greeted each student at the table, including a surprise visitor from Texas.  We prayed over Sha via the video chat, some tears fell, and I, in advisor mode, said I would make plans to call Sha again very soon as I realized I needed to wrap up our call to stay on time for our Women's Ministry Book Study.  That call and last encounter took place in late October which wound up being less than two months than 12/20/19. 

It's been one year and 11 days since I received a message from Sha.  The last two messages I sent her from California were not viewed by her but I have some small measure of comfort that the last message she saw from me during her last three days was letting her know she was being prayed for in a place she knew well. 

 

As I recently scrolled through the memories and What's App conversations with Sha as I mourn, I'm still amazed at her selflessness even amidst the suffering as is evident by her willingness to not shut off from the world or to encourage me to open up and talk with her when she could tell I wasn't myself.  Some of Sha's last messages to me involved her stepping out of her own despair and entering into mine.  I mean, who does that?!  I remember feeling so humbled that she cared enough to care about my problems when she had much bigger problems than I.  

 

I strive to be the type of friend Sha was.  She had a way of making you feel like you were the only one in the room even when sitting in a bustling coffeehouse.  She had a way of always teaching through her actions/words/ways of living such as how to politely send a drink back even when the bartender is being rude and intimidating (ahem).  Her honesty, vulnerability, and realness still resonate with me nearly two years after I first heard some of her testimony and stories and had the blessed opportunity to live in a centuries-old monastery at the foothill of the Alps.  Sha once joked that even though I was only there for one semester that I would always be part of the "fam". So, tonight I invoke the intercession of the Holy Family as I think of Sha and her family. 

Please keep Sha's family and loved ones in your prayers.  

You will never be forgotten, Sha, and may we all strive to #lovelikeSha. 

I have been training all my life for this.. ;)

Today I received an email that made Adam and me laugh and laugh and laugh.  It's not often I'm asked to say more things.  Usually, it's the opposite as co-authors or editors have asked me to trim information or to meet shorter page requirements.  In conversations with Adam, he has been known to say I need to get to the point and to stop rambling and going on and on and on...kind of like I'm doing right now.  ;)

So why the belly aching laughter a moment ago?  Well, I received this message from an editor:

I was just preparing my notes for the editorial board and I noticed that you’ve estimated the book to be about 68 pages. Is that correct? We typically require that our books be at least 100 pages (or about 60, 000 words). I know it would be asking a lot, but do you think it would be possible to increase the page count a bit? I am so excited about your work and I think it will make such a fabulous book. It seems as though there is a lot to be said on the topic so I am hopeful there is a possibility of increasing the page count a bit. Please let me know your thoughts. I wouldn’t need to see those pages now. I would just need to be able to tell the board that plans are in the works to increase the length. And of course I would give you additional time to craft the text.

Wait, you're saying you want me to keep talking?  

You want me to share more on something I am so passionate about and on fire for - - to dive deeper into the themes of my research and share more information?

Why, yes, I would be honored!!  It's like I've been training all my life for this moment to be able to speak and share freely from my heart.  This email brought forth so much joy and it was fun to see my husband smile as I read the email aloud to him and say, "You've never had a problem with adding words!"  This latest project has really truly been such a joy for me to dive into and the chance to be able to elaborate on it and possibly wind up with a book in my hands that contains the information in one place is so exciting!  

I also love that I received this inspiring uplifting positive note on the Feast Day of the Immaculate Conception no less!  *See below for a quick video on this feast day we, as Catholics, celebrate each December.  

Mary, who was without sin and is the ultimate role model for women and a mother I strive to emulate (especially as a fellow mother of one physical child), has been a HUGE source of inspiration for me all my life.  

I look at Mary differently now that I'm a mother and will never forget a dear friend telling me in the hospital shortly after Charlotte was born that I'm like Our Lady for she, too, had one child.  I'll never forget that moment (thank you, Marita) amidst the despair and grieving in Charlotte's first few days outside the womb.  

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I saw this reflection from one of the creators of the mass journal I use and really loved pondering on this piece:

Today on the feast of the Immaculate Conception, we see such a stark contrast between Eve in the first reading and Mary in the Gospel. We can clearly see why some call Mary the “New Eve.” In the first reading, God looks for Eve, but due to her disobedience, she now realizes that she is naked. She is ashamed and hides herself from the Lord.

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Every time I hear these scriptures I am reminded of something I heard several years ago. The root of all sin is summed up in one word: fear. Though fear itself is not inherently sinful, we do sin in different ways out of fear of many things: fear of rejection; fear of what people think of us; fear of never being happy or successful; fear that what we have is not enough; fear that God will not provide.

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// Kathryn Doré in today’s reflection

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This study that will be featured in the book (if this proposal is accepted) is all about mothering and doing it in tough circumstances.  Mary knew better than anyone how to do this and showed humanity how to do it with grace, humility, and a total spirit of surrender.  I'm so honored to hopefully be able to share the stories of other mothers and to hopefully highlight hope and perhaps impart some peace amidst these turbulent times through my work and writing.  Engaging in this study required me to put my own fears aside, to look my own insecurities square in the face, and to lean in more fully knowing that I'm doing what God has put on my heart to do as I seek to surrender bit by bit to a different dream/version of a prior dream. 

Prayers for a successful proposal later this week, my friends, and that I may be able to pursue this book idea!  

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, The Lord is with thee. 

Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. 

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of death. 

Glory Be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.  Amen 

Balancing more than One Love

At the end of an exceptionally busy semester, I have been mulling over this : how do we find professional/personal balance? 

Granted...the times and circumstances we live in at the moment are not the norm but the reality is multi-tasking has always been the norm in my world and that of other working mothers I know. 

Maybe I am just thinking so much about this because my students had to read an article about fathers of children with intellectual disabilities and whether or not the fathers practiced mindful parenting. The study in the article is making me think of how Charlotte is being affected by all the constant juggling and balancing. 

Yet, I know that in addition to being her Mom, my vocation is to teach, research, and serve. I read earlier today a comment that someone shared saying women need to stop saying their jobs are their callings and that the jobs are just that....jobs. 

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that concept since I have always loved what I do and derive great joy and satisfaction from working with children, colleagues, and strangers alike. I think I like the Opus Dei view of what work is better. I have always seen my work as my calling. I think I like looking at it from the lens of how God uses the gifts He has given,the way I attempt to use the gift of time, and the drive instilled within me to work  within my vocation in addition to how I put those same things to use in the home as wife and mother instead of trying to be detached and placing the job way over there. So I will continue to try to be mindful both as Wife/Mommy and as Teacher as I pursue two loves...while I also count down the days to break. 😉

All Souls' Day

Have you ever had one of those days where things are getting crossed off the list and you feel like you have the time to get some of the items done?  That was what it was like for me today.  

Perhaps it was due to the extra hour we gained last night or maybe it was because I was able to somewhat sleep in this morning.  Or maybe I was trying to subconsciously keep busy from fully reflecting on what the next day would bring. For whatever reason, I managed to get some laundry done, clean a little, play with Charlotte, respond to student emails, took a walk with Charlotte, did some grading, submitted some proposals, baked a carrot cake with sour cream frosting (SO yummy!), and capped it off with enjoying a nice All Saints Day Dinner with Adam and his parents.  

Then, after Charlotte's bath, I settled in for some last minute prep for the new week ahead...as I was about to wrap up the evening work, I remembered that my Google Drive was nearly out of space so I began going through files and pictures and tried to remove the larger files as I've been doing here and there over the last several days in efforts to retrieve some of the stored space.  I was about ready to stop for the night when I all of a sudden stumbled upon a photo of Dad.  It was one I had taken the day before he passed and it stopped me in my tracks.  His face is etched into my mind and I "see" him constantly through thinking of him in what feels like every moment of the day.  I had been thinking of him a lot last night as I submitted a proposal I'm extra excited for and wished I could see the look on his face or hear what he would say as I would have shared the news with him over this latest venture.  In spite of all that thinking and remembering of him...I was still caught off guard seeing the last image of him I had taken when he was still with us on my screen just now.

How fitting this happened after midnight as we are now in the early morning hours of Monday, November 2nd.  We are entering the seventh month of Dad not physically being here with us.  How is that even possible?  Last night, when we were doing our nighttime prayers, Charlotte prayed, "I want to pray for Pappy.  He's all better now, Mommy, but he needs to stay in Heaven for a little while longer.  I know you cry and sometimes you don't cry but it's alright, Mommy.  I also need to pray for Spirit and for Peppa Pig, Mommy."  💕  When she says/prays things like that, it makes me wonder if she is still expecting him to come back as I sometimes feel when I forget.  There have been so many times, I think, "Oh, I wonder what Dad will say when..." or I go to text him and it's not until I'm reaching for the phone before I remember.  Such a strange mix of emotions and it feels as if so much time has gone by yet none at all.  Yet today is All Souls' Day...a day that I have been thinking of in a different way this year ever since losing Sha in December then Dad in April.  They are both never far from my thoughts so I don't really need a day to especially remember them but there is comfort in thinking of many others praying for so many who have passed in a special way on 11/02 as is customary in our faith*.  

This one's for you, Dad & Sha.  Love you both & miss you.  I hope you guys are enjoying one another's company and basking in the joy.

In honor of All Souls Day, please join me in this prayer.

Eternal Father, I offer Thee the Most Precious Blood of Thy Divine Son, Jesus, in union with the masses said throughout the world today, for all the holy souls in purgatory, for sinners everywhere, for sinners in the universal church, those in my own home and within my family. Amen.

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*Per Wikipedia, All Souls' Day, also known as the Commemoration of All the Faithful Departed and the Day of the Dead, is a day of prayer and remembrance for the souls of those who have died, which is observed by Catholics and other Christian denominations annually on November 2nd.

Treats all around tonight!

 Charlotte is still very much a Daddy's girl but she was on fire tonight with sweetness for me....maybe it's from all the sugar. 🍭🍬🍫 🙃

 "Mommy, when I grow up, can I wear your dresses and be like you?" 

 "My Mommy let me wear her makeup so I could be a mermaid!" 

"Look! I got some candy for you, too. It's your favorite! I will share with you when we get home, okay?" 

At one point when trick or treating tonight, Charlotte exclaimed, "This is the best day ever, Mommy. " "Really?! What made it that way?" I asked thinking she would say because of the candy, or playing, or becoming a mermaid at the last minute...

Her response was shared with me as she leaned in to my arms, locked eyes with mine, and simply said..."You." 🥰😭

Cup of J.O.Y.!

 At the start of the semester, I shared this post on my social media:

I posted this in a local group I am in but thought I would share here, too.

I wanted to share something that’s been on my heart this past summer. Some of you have had the yummy coffee that my hubby and I enjoy and others have inquired about it as of late. Sooo, I wanted to offer my services to each of you through “Cup of JOY!” The idea behind this is kind of like Door Dash where I would bring coffee to you for contactless delivery (a la Coffee Dash..haha!). When you place your order, you would let me know your preferences of the following options:

1) Espresso, Americano, Latte, or Cappucino

2) Iced or Hot (depending on how far you live from me, you might need to microwave the coffee to become hot again or put more ice cubes in it)

3) Strength of coffee: mild, medium, or strong

4) Which flavor or combo of flavor? These vary…right now we have Chocolate Macadamia Nut, Crème de Banana, Amaretto, or Crème Caramel

My hubby and I are *not* baristas, coffee roasters, or even coffee connoisseurs…we just missed the coffee we enjoyed while in Austria so much that we ordered an Italian coffee machine two days upon our return to the US and have been sharing the coffee love since. We use Lavazza coffee beans, purified water, & Torani coffee syrups.

I am not sure why this is on my heart as I return back to school but I’m following this prompt and posting anyway! I am usually away from campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays so would most likely be available to make deliveries on those days. It’s a pleasure serving a cup of yumminess to our friends hence the idea behind “Cup of JOY!” at $2 per cup. Here is something I wrote eight years ago about an acronym for JOY that I created (https://pagirlmeg.blogspot.com/2012/09/joy.html). I would love to spread this message of JOY amidst COVID-19 and uncertainties we are all facing at the moment through this fun little side coffee delivery service. My prayer for us all is to, "Help to make all of us a channel of Jesus' peace and to J.O.Y. = Just Open Yourself to trust in Jesus as the Holy Family has shown us...one coffee sip at a time!"

Sparkling Goodness

Lately, four year old Charlotte has been putting the word, good, in front of words.

"I want that yummy good egg to eat, Mommy."

"Can you give me that good toy over there?"

"Hershey is a good puppy."

"I had a good sleep!"

"Dusty is eating the good doggie food."

"Look at this!  I painted using the yellow, the good green, and fuschia!  Do you like it?"

As we listen to her commentary of her day or hear her explanations of what the toys are doing in mid-play, her speech is sprinkled with the word, good, in sometimes appropriate places but more often seemingly random places.  The most prominent example of this occurred a few weeks ago when driving her to her morning summer program at the local activity center.  "Mommy, I have a good heart!" she proudly exclaimed from the back seat.  My mother, who was in the front passenger seat next to me, and I glanced at each other in surprise and said, "Why, yes, yes, you do!"  Charlotte then went on to say, "If it's a good heart, is it sparkly?  Mommy, do I have a good sparkly heart?"  I have no idea what prompted that line of thought in her but it was so sweet and heartwarming!  Mom and I assured Charlotte her heart was so good, beautiful, and sparkly as she happily hopped into the activity center.  I've been thinking on the idea of something tucked away out of sight, like our hearts, in the darkest interior parts of our bodies...yet radiating light and sparkling goodness as Charlotte imagined and spoke of from the back seat.  You know how a prism is made up of hard edges, jagged even, and yet the light gets in there and you see a tiny rainbow if the light hits it right?  The light bends and refracts as it sneaks into broken pieces and sharp turns.  The white light coming into the prism, is in a sense, breaking up into the colors that make up the white light and burst forward shining the light outward - at least that is what I think I remember from elementary science classes. 

These are the thoughts that have been running through my mind as I think about what Charlotte said about having a good sparkly heart a few weeks ago.  God is the white light pouring into each of us.  He has loved us into being and has a purpose for each of us.  Dirt may get thrown onto us or we may feel like were mired in mud.  Yet, with God's grace, the brightness shines through and fights its way through the cracks and broken pieces that meld us together.  Would God not want us to use the gifts He has given us to the best of our ability?  Cracks and all?  Then when we offer them back to Him, He can see through the blood, sweat, and tears, our hard efforts and view them as good and sparkly even if others may only see the dust and grime on the surface.

I thought Charlotte had forgotten that statement about the good sparkly heart but she said it this morning!  This time, I said it after we had recorded a video for some of my students.  I said, "Nice work, Charlotte!" after we stopped recording?  She asked, "Was it good and sparkling?"

What beautiful imagery to think of doing our work in a way that is good and sparkling!!  The other night, Adam and I were talking.  I said something to the effect of, "Well, you know it's the two of them and all six of the children."  Charlotte chimed in and said, "We have just one children here!", with a huge smile on her face.  I looked over at Adam then back and Charlotte and said, "Why, yes, you're right!".  She said, "Well, actually there are five of us.  Hershey, Dusty, Daddy, you, and me!"  The joy radiating from her face just sparkled.  You should have seen it.  

I heard the below song earlier this week when making a coffee run.  What an amazing example of taking something that could be viewed as sad or bad to good and sparkling through this beautiful creative art taken from a small girl and her conversation with her Mama who wrote a song about it.    

Well, I can't let go of watercolor memories you made me - - and wonder how you could love something else more - -  last of my kind, you'll always be my only child!  <3  "That's a beautiful song you have there, Mama!" according to four year old Charlotte.  Have a listen for yourself.

I wanted to be that Mom.

I wanted to be that mom.

This thought went through my head as I walked by a mom busily navigating her five littles into the play room where she was dropping off her little princes and princesses. The theme today is fairy tales at the summer program where my four year old "Princess Butterfly Ladybug Charlotte" had just skipped and twirled her way into during morning drop offs.

I wanted to be that mom.

I watched as another mom juggled a baby on her hip, wrangled a toddler into his carseat, waved goodbye to her five year old who was standing at the window of the building, then rubbed her pregnant belly as she walked to the driver's side of her van.

I wanted to be that mom.

The thought kept running through my mind on auto-loop as I watched another mom tenderly kiss her newborn on the forehead as she secured his seatbelt. She got smaller in my rearview mirror as I drove away in peace.


Yes, I wanted to be that mom.


However, I'm not. I'm a mom to one precious four year old who is the greatest gift I have ever received. I'm a mom to a sweet and sassy girl who couldn't wait to show Miss Ariel, Mrs. Lily, & Mrs. Eliana her butterfly wings and princess dress. I'm a mom to a girl who sings, "If you're happy and you know it, go to the activity center!" in the car and makes up other equally fun and whimsical song lyrics as we drive places. I'm mom to a girl who dunked graham crackers into green applesauce today saying she was eating the beach because the graham cracker crumbs "look and feel like sand, Mama!" This chance to parent a precocious and curious and inquisitive and genuinely happy and all other big feelings girl who loves to play in the dirt and have rainbow toes and adores her Daddy is such a gift. I'm HER mom.

I also reflected on the fact that because I'm that mom, I'm able to spiritually mother so many as I prepare for the upcoming school year that holds many unknowns right now. As of this morning, I'm the teacher of students in five classes making me the spiritual mother of 87 students for the fall semester. Students who are entrusting their learning to me and whom I owe it to provide meaningful and relevant teachable moments as they prepare to be teachers themselves! I'm able to spend the next couple of hours, while my daughter is happily engaged with the activities of her fairy tale-themed summer day program, trying to work up some magic in planning out the semester for my other "kids". ; );)

I'm thankful for the opportunity to mother in so many ways - ways I had not previously considered as much when I was focused on my vision of my family and long held dreams. I wanted to be that mom. However, I am that mom - just in a different way that uses my gifts and skillset in a unique way. Thank you, Lord.

Balance

I had a dream with Dad in it last night.  Since it's been several days since I have seen a cardinal no matter how hard I look at the trees, the sky, or the birds who swoop down and fly across my path, the dream in the early morning hours today was so welcomed.  This time, Dad was healthy, happy, and upbeat.  With a twinkle in his eye, and a jovial grin plastered on his face, he pulled off a surprise of Aunt Maureen and Laura visiting us in Mom and Dad's RV.  This was quite funny to me as I recalled the dream since I had not gone on any camping trips with Mom and Dad or Aunt Maureen and Laura for that matter.

Just like in life, the feelings in the dream sharply dropped from one extreme to the other.  In one moment of the dream, we were all laughing and happy at the surprise visit from my godmother/aunt being successful and in the next, Dad had vanished from his spot at the table where we were all sitting.  In my dream, I dissolved into a puddle of tears that came with such ferocity that I couldn't breathe to suddenly awake under the covers in the semi-dark room as the dawn light snuck through the windows.  As I slipped from the dream world to the real world, I realized that my face was covered in tears and I was full out ugly crying.  For a minute, I thought I was still in the RV staring at the empty chair rather than staring at the blank white wall of my bedroom in my Mom's house but either way, the reality was there that Dad is not here.

I wonder what he would think of us all now.  Stumbling our way through each day.  Missing him more than we thought we ever could.  Emotions overtaking each of us in different ways at any point in time.  Hearing as others wonder aloud what is next for each of us.  Our wondering what the next family gathering will feel like.  How the holidays are going to feel.  Hoping and wishing our children will remember their beloved Grandpa/Papa/Pappy as they grow older themselves.  Imagining what our reunion might be like when it's our turn to depart from this world.  What would he think?  What would he want for each of us?  Is he at peace?  Is he happy?  Does he miss us?

I'm accustomed to these feelings of being torn in different directions in my professional life when thinking about my personal life but it's a different arena now to think about being happy Dad is no longer suffering physically but wondering how he is spiritually.  Does he see how sad we are without his physical presence or is he basking in the glory of heaven and God that he doesn't need to be concerned with earthly matters?  What a strange sensation to be happy for him but said for me all at the same time.

How does this translate to life in the here and now?  Since becoming Charlotte's mom, it's been interesting the ways I have sought to achieve work-life balance.  There are days I feel like a super mom and others I feel like a rock star teacher.  There are days I feel I'm dropping the ball on both vocations.  Other days find me barely keeping my head above the water as I try to remember when the pediatrician appointment is, if we have Charlotte's favorite snack on stock, make copies for the handouts the students need for their performance-based assessments, reply to a student email in the wee hours of the night, and is the alarm set for the right time that we have to be out the door depending if there is school, if office hours are scheduled, or if we're taking a trip that day?  Yesterday was a particularly busy day of revising syllabi for the fall, having a couple virtual meetings, working on a grant proposal, being there for my mother, and keeping Charlotte happy amidst everything.  Today I was reassured though.  When thinking over the last 24 hours, I could focus on how much of the day schoolwork took up vs. how much time was spent playing with Charlotte.  However, Charlotte was positively beaming and radiant as she told her Uncle Mark at breakfast about her rainbow toes - the ten toes that Mama painted yesterday.  "Mommy made these. She's a great Mommy!" she said.  I love being a mother with every fiber of my being.  I also know I was born to teach.  Do they have to contradict?  Do the feelings of joy and grief have to be opposite?  Can we have it all?  Can we feel all the feelings?

Thinking back to Summer 2016, the work-life balance did not feel as difficult when I was on maternity leave and had the lightened load.  Can work-life balance only be achieved with part-time work vs. full-time work?  Is grief more manageable when life is half full rather than overflowing from an already filled to the brim cup?  I don't have the answers to the questions.

What I do know, is that when I have struggled with something, doing a project or a study or action research to try to find the answer has helped.  When I saw so many students accept and embrace learned helplessness on account of their disability, I engaged in my thesis research to see what we could do about it.  Through cognitive therapy and putting into practice Martin P. Seligman's ABCDE model, we were able to examine areas in which we could improve and lower learned helplessness thereby increase self advocacy.  When I questioned identity with regards to the presence of a disability, my dissertation study sought to find ways to put into words what individuals with disabilities, and their caregivers/parents felt.  Now, as a mother and a professor, I'm examining the experiences of MotherScholars.  This research I'm in the midst of despite the pandemic, despite not knowing what state I'll be taking up residence in from week to week, despite having Charlotte at my side 24/7 (and I don't think I would want to change that - I know these days of my four year old wanting to be here and sharing in my space will be over before I know it), despite so many questions about the upcoming fall, despite the all encompassing grief of missing my Dad, is bringing so much joy and helping me to see this lived experience of MotherScholaring from so many different angles.  The below quote really resonated with me.

Even with the confidence of a tenured chair, I feel anxious about the work that isn’t getting done, just as I feel guilty about the hours I spend away from my daughter.  In truth, I feel guiltier about my work, perhaps because I’ve been in academia longer than I’ve been a mom, and it still feels like cheating to prioritize my personal life.  I think back to a similar conflict I felt when I took time off to care for my dying father, and I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that I was getting behind in my research.  I knew this was irrational, but when I mentioned this anxiety to a family friend-a professor-he responded, "Can't you read articles while you sit in the hospital?"  Years later, I relish the memory of the hours I spent next to my father's hospital bed, the hours I did nothing but watch him breathe.  And I know that I will not begrudge the afternoons walking behind my daughter as she pumps her bike around the block, or the hours spent rolling with her down the sloping grass of our neighborhood park (Haynie, 2009).

Reading the above passage in particular hit home on so many levels.  It made me think back to when I shared with my twin my exciting news about being selected as a High Impact Scholar.  I had started the phone conversation by saying, "I don't know if you remember, but on that last night with Dad, do you recall that I was working on a submission at Dad's bedside?"  His response - "You're always on the computer" felt dismissive and seemed to indicate that I wasn't as present to Dad in his last moments.  Yet, when I think of that last night, I remember feeling confident that I was applying for something with my biggest supporter at my side.  It's funny how different perspectives bring out different aspects of lived experiences...which is all the more reason to hear from a variety of subjects in a study when examining a lived phenomenon or experience.  

Last night, as I read some research before bed, I was captivated by a statement that said to work well helps us to be better mothers.  It was on that thought that I had fallen asleep and then had the vivid dream of Dad only to be woken up by a tear-stained face sobbing into my pillow.  One extreme to another...feeling like I'm coping with Dad's being gone to missing him terribly to wishing I could go back in time for another conversation to relief he is not suffering...cranking out another manuscript submission, playing in the pool with Charlotte, attending virtual meetings, snuggling with my girl in the rocking chair, to not getting all the items checked off the to-do list.  They are two different things:  Grieving a lost parent and trying to manage home and work lives.  Yet they both involve effort, vulnerability, and realizing you're going to fall short.  I mean, our faith teaches that, too.  We are human as are our efforts.  Yet we should be striving for the best we can do and be, pray for the graces and wisdom to handle what is thrown our way, and rise above the challenges as the capable humans we are.  With all these things swirling around in my head, I wrote the below section this morning.  I am so excited to wrap up and analyze the data from one of my current studies --- I don't think I've been this excited about my own research since my dissertation research!

          With the arrival of COVID-19, all those working in higher education were forced out of their comfort zones and faced uncertainty and still are facing this to some degree now as we look toward the future.  However, to be our authentic selves, as MotherScholars, no matter the circumstances, we would do well to embrace wholehearted living as defined by Brown (2010) by engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.  This means MotherScholars should seek to cultivate courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and recognize no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, she is enough.  This is particularly true during trying times such as during the world pandemic.  We also need to give ourselves permission to truly love the time we spend in our work as working well does not make us bad mothers (Sutherland, 2009).  Our children will see us engaging in something that brings us joy and see us use our gifts in this world if we are truly living our vocations and demonstrating for our families, as mothers, what it means to be a good worker.

Something else that I have seen in going over the research for the MotherScholar study, is the beauty in how what I do for a living has been directly impacted by my personal life.  Prior to Charlotte, my work was impacted by my experiences as a teacher of school-aged children that I brought with me to the higher education classroom.  This was one of the biggest reasons I wanted to be a professor.  I wanted to have real world experiences to draw from and share with the pre-service educators as I recalled learning so much from my own professors as an undergraduate student who shared the "real world" examples with my peers in my college classes.  However, I never dreamt or imagined of the ways my teaching would be improved by having my own child.  With the arrival of Charlotte, my service activities shifted slightly to be more family-focused (such as advising a ministry that pairs college students with families) and it's been beautiful to see the college students interact with my girl over the last four years whether she came to my classes, they completed preference assessments with her, or they needed to provide childcare through completion of diverse field hours.  

Even beyond these experiences, spending a semester abroad together, caused some beautiful relationships to blossom that won't soon end even when the students graduate from the university.  I won't know until years from now what this sort of lived experience of growing up at home and on a college campus for Charlotte with a MotherScholar for a mommy will mean for her but I hope when she looks back, she remembers all her "college friends", the work meetings/colleagues who have accepted her with open arms from day one, is able to put her experiences with a variety of personalities to use in a positive way, and that she has a love for learning and service to others.  

Just like with grieving, is there truly a right way to balance?  I think the answer is different for everyone and we need to be respectful of that.  Work-life balance is not a struggle just for those who work out of the home.  Grieving is not just for those who are mourning the loss of someone who passed three months ago.  This is a life-long and at times, delicate, journey we all must take.  None of us escape the opportunity to grieve.  None of us escape the chance to engage in balancing (you fill in the blank).  What we choose to do with the opportunities we have is up to us though.

New title!

Mother.


Wife.


Professor/Teacher/Instructor/Teacher's Assistant/Graduate Assistant/Doctor.


Daughter/Daughter-in-Law


Aunt.


Godmother.


Coach.


Volunteer.



Tutor.



Tutee.



Babysitter.


Housecleaner.


Sandwich Artist.


Student.


Newspaper Carrier.


Sister.


Niece.


Dreamer.


Granddaughter.


Cheerleader.


Writer.


Researcher.


(Behind the scenes) Actor in high school play.


Cousin.



Stranger.


Catholic.


Honor Society Secretary.


Friend.



I've been known by many different titles or roles (and others I'm probably forgetting at the moment) over the years.  This week, a new title was added to the list!  I'll share what it is with you in a moment but let me set the scene for you first.

Days before the world stopped because of COVID-19, a sought after job at work I had been super excited about was taken off the table and the dreams I had for that role came to a screeching halt.  I learned the disappointing news that I hadn't been selected for something I had applied for, Spring Break happened, the unexpected news broke that we were moving all of our classes to the online format, then I had to rush home for an indefinite amount of time due to Dad's declining health as I learned how serious things really were from my big brother, Brian's, phone call after my Dad was rushed to the hospital for the last time.  All this occurred as the pandemic swirled all around us.  In the midst of all these things happening, I should have missed an email that was sent out from the Council for Christian Colleges & Universities but somehow and thankfully that email did not slip through the cracks. The newsletter that gets automatically sent to me as a worker at a religious institution contained information about an inaugural research seminar for faculty at Christian universities that would be unfolding come Fall 2020.  I read over the details and was immensely intrigued.  I shared the information with Adam who had the same reaction as when I had shared details about the job I had not obtained with him in December:  "This sounds like a perfect fit for you!"

So, after praying and considering it, I went for it.  Happening fresh on the rejection of the other job, I figured well, what do I have to lose? I drafted what I wanted to say in the essay when not busy emergency converting my four classes to online classes, teaching in a whole new and unexpected way, caring for my parents (and Charlotte when she was with me), and wrapping up the student groups/ministries I oversee from a distance for the year.  I'm thankful Adam was supportive and understanding when my head (and heart) seemed to be in a million other places than home most of the time.

All this led to my hitting "Submit" at 1:25am on April 17th.







The same day that everything stopped for my family and me in the middle of a world that was already faltering and stumbling.





Even now, 80 days since my big, strong, hero of a father breathed his last shallow breath one early Friday morning as the sun slowly grew in brightness....I can hardly believe this darkness that has settled so thickly over us when Dad officially slipped from this world. 





Yet, there have been pinpricks of light peeking and blinking through - like the lightning bugs we see as dusk settles at the end of each of these long summer days.  Small tiny flickers of hope keep us at bay or at least putting one foot in front of the other as we feel our way through the dark.

 




During some of my Dad's and my last conversations we spoke about work, sharing of talents and gifts, prudence, obstacles, being wanted and appreciated, persistence, "doing it anyway", definitions of what exactly is spectacular in the context of a life (well) lived, and disappointments we all face at one point or another in our lives.  We also spoke of satisfaction, gratitude, happiness, personal fulfillment, a day's hard work, resilience, fortitude, and service as I told him about this opportunity.



In the wee hours of April 17th, I submitted the application after working on it while sitting at Dad's bedside then turned to Mark who was taking the next shift.  I asked if he would mind if I laid down for a few hours.  By 2am I was in bed only to be awoken by Patrick at 5:45am. Dad passed shortly after 6am later in the morning.  All went dark and numb someplace deep inside of me at that moment.  Yet, the room continued to get brighter and brighter as the sun rose.  The shadows return each night but the sun comes each day (Psalm 30:5 & 30:11).


In the hustle and bustle of everything that happens after the unthinkable does, I moved away from the disappointment and hurt of not getting the job as I focused on suddenly more important and pressing things such as end of life issues, what's happening next, and trying to wrap up the semester while prepping for a busy summer semester.  In hindsight, I'm thankful things were so busy to give me a sense of direction in spite of the dark.

I dove head first into teaching two summer (online) classes and fell into the rhythm of living out of my duffel bag as Charlotte and I shuffled from Pennsylvania to Ohio to Delaware to Pennsylvania to Ohio to Pennsylvania to Ohio and well, you get the idea.

In a sense I did what I did ten years ago when I received the rejection email to an application I had submitted in applying to be a fellow for a university to study research special education/deafness.  However, because of that rejection, I was instead granted an assistantship at the university I had applied to and still wound up moving south and starting over in pursuing a dream I didn't think I would work on so early in life.  Living in North Carolina for four years, and after creating a CatholicMatch profile, I met and fell in love with my now husband at the end of that journey - - not to mention I also encountered beautiful faith-filled friendships and grew from amazing spiritual direction from a beloved priest.

So, in pondering the news I received last week, I now realize I had to go through yet another rejection before something else (maybe better) was presented to me!  Admittedly another faith-filled friend and my mother both said as much to me in early March. The no at work led to a yes in being a scholar in faith-based research....incredible!  I have to admit the positive news I received last week felt a bit like redemptive restoration of the no I had received ten years ago.  I can just imagine the smile on my Dad's face and the quiet look of pride if I were to tell him about this set of recent events.  Are you curious yet about this new title!??  =)


Okay, let's get on with it and fast forward to last week...as I was waiting for a virtual work meeting to start, an email popped up in my inbox letting me know I received some news.  The news was that I am now a High-Impact Scholar!  :)  What in the world does this mean you ask??

Well, this honor of being a High-Impact Scholar is through the Best Practices in Christian Higher Education:  A Cohort-Based Research Seminar Series that is taking place through Abilene Christian University and the Council for Christian Colleges & Universities (ACU & CCCU)!

This two-year, cohort-based research seminar examines critical features of student success with a special emphasis on developing, implementing, and assessing high-impact practices with regards to their professional development opportunities as pre-service educators. 

The work produced through the seminars, plus submissions from a broader call, will be presented at a biennial conference hosted at ACU. Additionally, ACU Press will work to produce an edited volume featuring the most relevant papers from the cohort.

I was selected as a High-Impact Scholar for the inaugural Cultivating Engaged Learners Through First-Year Experiences: Seminar 1 and will participate in a cohort of 12 scholars.

My research will examine the First-Year Experience of Education Majors in our program.  While I am involved in many different service opportunities through my various roles at the university, my focus will be on the work I do through a professional development workshop series I created for the education majors several years ago called Teachable Moments. 

Additionally, I created an online group through Blackboard (the university's learning management system) to foster a sense of community among the education majors. I am most interested in researching the impact of these items on first year students and possibly investigating the creation of a mentorship program to connect first year students with juniors or seniors within the Education Program. I was advisor to a senior education major's honors project that enacted a mentoring program for a semester a number of years ago and definitely think it could be advantageous to bring it back for our students.  

I will investigate these ideas to see what impact professional development, online resources, and service opportunities, both in Ohio and abroad, has on the first year students. 

Are they more likely to return to the university? 

Do they take on more active roles as students and become leaders through participating in these initiatives? 

I am so very excited to research this further to try to find the answers to these questions to better tailor programming to maximize effectiveness and retention of first year students.  

Part of this research will require auditing a newly designed course as I gauge the first year experiences of incoming freshmen and/or transfer education majors to Franciscan so I'm grateful for the learning opportunities that will come with auditing that course in addition to the research.  

The ACU & CCCU are in agreement that focusing on Teachable Moments Professional Development Workshop Series as an area of research or topic would allow me to further refine this series for the students. I plan to connect with other institutions and tap into the resources they offer their students through being a member of this inaugural cohort. Some ideas that have been discussed are to possibly link up our pre-service teachers as virtual pen pals to talk about their experiences as first year education majors at their respective institutions! There is also the possibility of sharing online professional development resources, such as, giving presentations and sharing information with one another, if virtual workshops are created as a result of this research.

Teachable Moments embraces my university’s mission by encouraging education majors to seek out professional development, to contribute to the dialogue, and to engage in ways they can transform themselves as pre-service teachers to scholar-practitioners so they can better meet the needs of their future or current students. The group I created for the Education Program on Blackboard creates a community for education majors and faculty and shares online resources and tools. In a sense, this group is helping to rebuild and shape the first year experiences of the students by providing them with more resources along the way that they can utilize during the first year and refer back to time and time again which is very similar to the new vision and format of the revised course.

My cohort will meet for two intensive workshops to focus on one specific practice (e.g., first-year experience, service learning, study abroad, etc.) and examine the impact and implementation in Christian higher education. After the three-day workshops, it is expected that I will engage in the research I described above at my university during year # 2.

The first workshop will take place in early October in Abilene, Texas. The second will be in late May at the university’s Dallas campus.  I will present my research alongside other presenters at a national conference hosted in Texas in Fall 2022. It is during this conference that I will be able to share my findings and institutional practices will be showcased.  Additionally, I will have the opportunity to submit my work to be considered for inclusion in an edited volume published by ACU Press.

As a High-Impact Scholar, I will have the unique opportunity to learn from ACU’s national leadership in high-impact practices and collaborate with faculty and staff from various institutions across the nation to produce work that will be a significant contribution to scholarship of Christian higher education.  The purpose of this research seminar series is to investigate creative and innovative evidence-based practices, which will enhance the learning experiences of students across the nation. The creators of this research seminar series have shared they are looking forward to hearing ideas from High-Impact Scholars and collaborating on this exciting opportunity to spur one another on in raising up future Christian servants and leaders for the sake of the kingdom of God.  It is such a huge honor to be selected and I can’t wait to serve as a High-Impact Scholar over the next two years!  As I had mentioned to a dear friend the other day, I had been prepared to spend the next four years working out of professional development through the job I had applied for so being a part of this cohort instead will allow me to focus on that same topic for the next two years but for a different audience:  our pre-service teachers - - which is just as rewarding and exciting to me!  Just like not getting the fellowship in 2010 paved the way for the assistantship I was offered instead, it feels as if the preparation for what I thought was going to be my path for the next four years was really getting me ready for this next phase of my research over the next two years!  Well, played, God, well played!  (Proverbs 3: 5-6).  ; )

Immediately after receiving the news by email last week, my work meeting started.  Charlotte was still sleeping so I quickly went as far away in the house as I could to keep from waking her during the meeting.  It wasn't until after the work meeting had ended, when I realized that I was where this particular journey had had its beginning.  I was on my parents' bed, on the side where Dad had so often laid and back in the same room where I had submitted the essay so late at night.  It was then that my eyes were opened to the date I had actually applied..up until that moment I had been thinking I had applied at some point over Spring Break or early on during COVID-19 as many things from that part of the semester are blurring together for me......but as I stared at the April 17th date of the essay submission on the paper in front of me, it suddenly registered that this was one of the things I had done at Dad's bedside the very last night of his life.  


The numbers blurred quickly on the paper in my lap as the tears immediately sprang up and freely flowed no matter how hard I tried to stop crying..the acute and ever present grief and deep profound missing of my Dad, the best man I knew, was more apparent than ever in that moment.  It was at that precise moment that I fully absorbed that this is the first HUGE piece of news I have received in my life that I can't tell Dad about....but he already knows - - -  I have to believe that.  

I suppose I forgot a title at the start of this writing.

Believer.