Lessons from Lent

This past Lent, I was fortunate enough to participate in a faith and fellowship online study using a book we received at church this past Christmas by Matthew Kelly.  It is called, "Rediscover Jesus" and has 40 chapters so I read one chapter a day throughout Lent.  I highly recommend this book as it is a quick read with very short chapters and was easily able to be read in spite of a busy Lent having a baby and all.  ;)

Here are some reflections I made throughout the Lenten journey based on what we read.

• How inspiring tonight's first chapter (New Beginings) is! What new beginning are you looking forward to this Lent?? I know for me, it's finally getting to meet this new blessing in approximately 3.5 weeks! 
• Amen! May we all embrace the daily crosses and small ways we can change our mindsets to love our families better rather than go to our defaults... May we all be blessed with more opportunities to become more aware of the grace filling moments rather than the frustration building ones during this Lenten season.
• Just got in the daily reading. Wow, what a powerful message about God inviting us to Him. Sometimes I get so swamped and wrapped up in the daily to-do lists that I neglect to be still and to try to let God speak to me through that silence. I pray that throughout this Lenten journey I can try to improve on this so that He can more effectively work through me. 
• The takeaway point for me from today's reading is to look for Jesus in the everyday occurrences and interactions with others...especially if it's difficult. For me, this is currently a battle I'm facing in interacting with a particularly challenging student in one of my classes. Instead of groaning on the inside and wondering what the outcome of the conversation will be with this "problem" student, perhaps I need to work harder at seeing Jesus in her and also reflecting Jesus to her.  
• Ok, so after reflecting on today's reading, I'm going to try to get back to that child-like sense of wonder in appreciating Jesus in my daily life more! I don't want to be blind to all that God has done for me and to be jaded or take it for granted!!!! So, today I'm extra grateful for second chances and the fact that He doesn't give up on us!!!  It is SO hard to let go of the control. I hate the feeling of things spiraling out of control when I do try to let go of some of it....and this pregnancy journey has been a HUGE lesson in trying to live in that lack of complete control that's for sure. Not being able to make plans, having to sort of "wing it" and wait and see....I can so relate to what you said about relinquishing control but I'm also learning day by day as we inch closer to the birthday of this new little one that God will indeed provide. We just only need to trust. This is part of why I love that huge image in Holy Family....much like that image, our trust needs to be larger than life eh?
• Just finished tonight's reading. My question now is, 'What makes you you?' What makes you nonrepeatable and special in God's eyes? How can you use your talent to be the light or salt of the world? Sometimes it is easier to look at others and value them more than valuing yourself! 
• This reminds me of a three part prayer that a friend told me years ago that I absolutely love: 

1.) Draw me closer to your will for me Lord. 
2.) Repel from me anything that is not of your will Lord. 
3.) Open my eyes so that I may recognize what that is Lord. 

The last sentence serves as a reminder....Lord, open up my eyes especially if/when I'm not paying attention!! 

• The chapter I read tonight was the Radical one about how Jesus got to the root of things and was a radical. It got me thinking about how easy it is to go with the flow sometimes and how we may be viewed as being radical for trying to live out our faith especially in non-Catholic circles of friends. I can recall when folks said, "You're a holy roller" or "You've been into your faith a lot lately" but truth is, I always believed...but perhaps my actions weren't showing it! What an eye opener to realize!!
• After reading tonight's chapter, I spent some time thinking about how Jesus taught and how even today we are continually learning from the teachings of Jesus. Sometimes, I feel like I don't get the lesson or "pass" but rather than become discouraged, I need to keep trying to learn what Jesus is trying to tell me. Sometimes the best thing I can do is to just get out of the way and listen. Right now, I feel like the lesson being taught to me is to slow down and to relinquish control so that I can try to lean into God more than trying to keep it all together alone. What are some of the lessons that you feel Jesus might be putting on your heart these days?
• How's it going? Tonight, I read the suffering chapter. Talk about some pretty heavy stuff!! I found it interesting what Matthew Kelly said about some folks suffering in public while others suffer privately and it reminded me of what Fr. Dan said at today's Lunch and Learn on his talk about the Year of Mercy. He reminded us of Jesus saying to not judge others unless you've walked in their shoes. How often do we make assumptions based on what we see on the outside or assume that someone else has it "easier" or "harder" when we actually don't know the reality of it. May we all practice being merciful just a bit more in our everyday lives!! 
• How is everyone doing with the readings? As I reflect on the last couple chapters, I can't help but think about a recurring word that keeps coming up.....radical. It is making me wonder to myself, how can I get to know Jesus on a deeper more radical level? Do I need to pray more? Do I need to participate in the sacraments more often? Do I need to do more works of mercy and embrace others more? Do I need to try to take on more to demonstrate Jesus through my works? Do I need to slow down so I can really stop and listen to what Jesus is trying to put on my heart? Radical...it's a word that is thrown around a lot but can mean something totally different for each individual. That is what I'm pondering tonight....what does the word mean for me and what can I do to embrace being more radical during this holy season of Lent?
  
• With Charlotte's arrival last Monday, I've fallen behind in the readings but the part about judging in what I read in last night's chapter spoke to me...in that I am quick to judge myself and be critical of myself. While there is a time and place for self evaluation and reflection, I need to remember to try to view myself as God sees me...a child of HIS..and to not be overly caught up in the details/flaws. That doesn't mean to not strive to do better but to also be kind to myself and to realize that each day I am given a fresh new opportunity to do better. Thank God for that!
• Reading the chapter on Man’s Ways and God’s Ways was a hard one for me in light of current circumstances. Two weeks ago at this very moment, I was in a completely unexpected surgery on the night of Charlotte’s birthday that resulted in a hysterectomy.
  
  For the last couple weeks, I have been wrestling with anger and grief over this turn of events while at the same time being utterly thankful and joyful over what we do have…our beautiful little girl!
  
  Admittedly, until reading this chapter, I had been spending the last several days fixated on what I had wanted (a large Catholic family)…on the way I thought things would go (getting pregnant again within a few months)….holding on to my way (what I perceived my vocation as wife and mother to be) versus God’s way (still trying to figure that out now that it is evident that we will only give birth to one child). So many sentences jumped out at me throughout this particular chapter but the following lines especially spoke to my heart tonight: It is essential to realize that God’s ways are not simply a minor adjustment of our own. They often represent the opposite end of the spectrum. Jesus invites us to change in attitude but that alone is not enough. Ultimately that change in attitude should lead to a change in behavior….what we spend our days and weeks thinking about has an enormous impact on our actions….the ways of God challenge our priorities and remind us what matters most and what matters least. It is not easy to walk in these ways. But the fruits of his ways are abundant. He will replace your confusion with clarity and wisdom. He will replace your anxiety with peace. He will fill you with gratitude and joy even in the midst of great difficulty.
  
  Perhaps the following words were the ones that brought me the most comfort tonight:
  
  God is with us, even when we think He is not. God is in control…and God is at work in our lives, even when it appears that everything is falling apart. God has a different way of doing things-a better way.
  
  Lord, help me to see what your way is and give me the strength to fully embrace it!
• Thank you for the honor of participating in the online book study with you all. As I reflect on all that we read and shared with one another over the last 40 days, let's not forget what Matthew Kelly reminds us of on page 159: The ability to delay gratification, to deny yourself, is an essential life skills. So develop the habit of denying yourself in small ways a dozen times a day. Each time you deny yourself is a spiritual exercise, a spiritual push-up that strengthens the soul. This allows the soul to increasingly respond to grace and choose what is good, true, noble, and just in every situation.
  
  I am also seeking to really embrace this point at the conclusion of the Complete Joy chapter:  Gratitude is a sure path to joy.
  
  Let’s all try to 100%....no bettery yet 1000%....embrace gratitude as we seek to be more joy-filled and live in the moment!!
   
  On page 179, I was reminded of the importance of living in the here and now…to not take ANYTHING for granted:  Too often we take for granted next week and next month and next year (as a planner, this really spoke to my heart).  We make plans for the future, not knowing if that future will be given to us (this was SO evident to me during this past Lent....to really take the time to stop looking ahead so much and to really live and embrace the HERE and NOW).  God gives us life one moment at a time, and he wants us to experience life in every breath we take.   God and life are always to be found in the now.  Live each now passionately (be the best version of yourself possible at ALL times) with God.  Forget about all your yesterdays (you can’t change ‘em). God is more interested in your future than he is in your past but is more interested in your now!!!  Be intentional about living your best version of your life NOW.  What will you do to make this happen?  Happy Easter all to you all as you reflect on this.  I know that I will be taking all these things and pondering them in my heart as we moved forward and toward Pentecost.

  

  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways. ~ Isaiah 55:8
  
  Looking forward to seeing what else is in store for us & praying for the strength & grace to accept God's ways over my preferred ways!

My Recipe Book!

Last year, I made reference to my recipe book and notes/recipes from middle and early high school when I took my home ec type courses.  I remember folks saying it was okay to throw away papers and to not have to hold on to things for so long but this recipe book is different.  I made it in my early 20s when living in Harrisburg with my twin.  It was an exciting time for us as we were both in our first "real world" jobs, sharing a teeny tiny apartment, and experimenting with cooking (he was more adventurous than I) for the first time as young adults.  I remember being thankful at the time for having saved the papers from high school and having a place to organize and sort through them by using this binder.  Since thse days on Ethel Avenue, I have acquired more recipes, tend to use the Internet for gaining new ones, and am behind in organizing the loose papers and posting the "Meals as a Mrs." dishes we tried from this past school year.  One of my summer goals is to get caught up on the postings and to turn my attention to the recipes found in my cookbooks rather than online (something I know Adam will appreciate!!).

 

These treats were some of my favorites from 8th grade.  A friend's grandma had made them for us after a sleepover party at her house.  They have been my go-to "surprise" snack ever since.

Cover of my home ec folder from early high school...apparently this was during my days of when I was hard core crushing on an upperclassman named Steve.  I wonder what ever happened to him?!  LOL!

My trusty old place setting diagram! 

Nutcracker Village

This past Christmas was a special one.  It was our first Christmas as a married couple in our new house in our new state with our new puppy (and Dusty Shamrock).  We even had a new to us Christmas tree thanks to inheriting my parents' old tree they had given us last January.

The Christmas season was full of good will, cheer, Christmas cookies, and generous gifts.

These jingle bell ornaments from a colleague at work were a festive addition to our tree.  What I loved the most about these ornaments though was that they were our wedding colors!!  Some bridesmaids wore light green, some wore light purple, the matron of honor wore bright pink, and the attendants wore blue!

As Christmas drew closer, our town had us in a festive mood through the introduction of the Nutcracker Village!  This was the first time this event was held downtown and it was wildly successful.  Check out this article/video that explains more about this now annual event. 

This nutcracker was my favorite one (obviously!).  :)

This treat was SO yummy!  We might need to order some for the Baptism this summer!

 We have heard that next year's Nutcracker Village is going to be bigger and even better next year so we are looking forward to experiencing it again with our daughter next December! 

Our little girl is here! Charlotte's Birth Story

On my birthday evening, while picking up groceries at the store on our way home, I started experiencing contractions around 5pm.  I will never forget that feeling!  Nearing the end of our grocery shopping trip, as I bent over to pick up the eggs at the back of the store, I felt the undeniable first contraction!  I looked over at Adam and said, “Oh my goodness, the contractions have started”!  Then I thought, hmm, what a nice birthday present – ha!  As we finished the shopping and made our way to the front of the store, the contractions came irregularly varying in intensity and frequency.  The rest of the night followed in the same manner.  I wondered if anything would happen the next day.  This Marathon Monday was scheduled to be my last one for the spring semester and I really hoped that I wouldn’t have to come back to work on Monday, 03/14/16, but only time would tell as to whether or not our son or daughter would still be inside the cozy warm dark womb or if he or she would have made the grand entrance by the time spring break ended and classes resumed on campus by that following Monday.

Marathon Monday came and went that included contractions happening all day long as they came on Tuesday.  Then, on Wednesday last week, I only felt one or two contractions.  This was good because the day was packed full with not only teaching of my own, counseling students who appeared in my office, and getting last minute plans put in place for my two subs, but also carrying out an interview day for a prospective new hire to our department.  My boss and I served as co-chairs of the search committee so thankfully were able to split our duties and get the job done as we moved throughout this busy day of interviewing, touring, observing a teaching demonstration by the candidate, and finally, attending the research presentation before concluding the interview day with the prospective new hire.

On Thursday, I met with one of my subs for a couple hours to bring her up to speed with where we were in the two courses she will be taking over in my absence.  It has been so reassuring to work with this particular sub due to her accessibility and willingness to come teach earlier in the semester if need be.  It appears that this offer wasn’t needed as I didn’t feel any contractions on Thursday at all and began to wonder if I might be returning to work on March 14^th after all if baby was going to come later than his or her expected due date.  Finally, Friday rolled around, which was the last day before spring break began.  My main goal for this day was to get through until 4pm so that I could finish teaching, check over the plans for the subs one last time, and walk out of my office that evening feeling as if I could leave everything for several weeks to go have this baby!  I beat my self-imposed 4pm deadline by an hour and was home by 3pm focusing on getting the house organized and cleaned for my parents’ arrival later on in the weekend and to ease in the transition of bringing baby home potentially by early the next week?!

As of Friday afternoon, the subs were updated, all attendance records and grades were entered in Blackboard to date, goodbyes were said, hugs given, and requests for an email announcement from me when the time comes (my goodness, some of my students are just too cute with their excitement and joy over the upcoming addition) have poured in meaning one thing..... Spring Break has officially begun and baby can come any time now that I am "off duty". I was so relieved to make it through the past week in spite of several contractions happening throughout the work days and evenings!!!

This is how I left my office for my subs with two piles on the left for the night time sub and two piles on the right for the day time sub.  I pray that they had a smooth transition this past week when they started teaching my classes!

My body had other plans though.  Starting at 10:15pm on Friday night, as soon as I sat down to relax after cleaning and putting things away, baking cookies for us to take to the hospital and give to the nurses, and preparing a yummymade from scratch baked macaroni and cheese…the contractions returned in full force!   

The contractions would continue all night Friday, all day Saturday, and into Saturday night from then on out coming in at 9 – 10 minutes apart then 4 – 5, then dropping down to 2.5 minutes apart over the next 24 hours.  

Hershey tried his best to distract me as I felt the first of many contractions throughout the weekend.

On Saturday, Adam and I attended the birth center class and tour with about 15 other couples.  Due to the large number of couples attending, I was thankful we had already experienced a personal one-on-one tour on Valentine’s Day with one of the nurses since on that day we received more individual attention and could ask questions.  Little did I know just how much one-on-one attention we would experience in the upcoming days while at the birth center!  I began using the contraction app on my phone Friday night into Saturday and charted the contractions all throughout our class.  The irony was not lost on me as Susie, our nurse/teacher/tour guide, discussed contractions as I breathed my way through them…hehe!  I was also glad that we had already had our crash course with Sara, our doula, as a lot of the information that was presented to us via Susie during our class was reinforced by what we had already learned through Sara a few weeks back so Adam and I felt a bit more prepared for what we were about to experience in less than 24 hours….!

Later on Saturday, after coming home from the hospital, my parents arrived.  As we ate a late night dinner, Dad noticed how close together my contractions were coming at that point.  Since my water hadn’t broken yet I figured that we still had time.  We were unable to get a hold of our doula, Sara, but when the contractions started coming at two minutes apart, we decided to head over to the hospital “just in case”.  We were held in the Triage Room from 3:30 – 5:30am and learned that while I was contracting and was now at 3cm dilation (compared to the 1-2cm from Thursday morning), that we could go back home and return later if the contractions intensified and/or my water broke.  The nurses did give me some pain medication to help relax the uterus and take the edge off some of the contractions that I greatly appreciated.  They said it was comparable to Benadryl but stronger.  I took the meds before leaving the hospital so by the time we got back home at 6am, I promptly fell asleep and slept until 12:30pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hadn’t felt so well rested in I don’t know how long.   

Obviously with sleeping in that late, we missed the morning masses that Sunday morning so attended the evening mass at a nearby church.  We sat in the last pew and I sat the whole time, with the exception of using the rest room twice, contracting all throughout mass.  I remember this evening being a painful one and really uncomfortable with the contractions building up even more than they had the previous night.  Then, at 8:30pm that evening, I lost my mucous plug and my water broke at 3:30am.  We were in touch with our doula, Sara, off and on throughout the evening and late into the night.  Adam and I decided to call the hospital around 4:30am letting them know my water had broken the hour before and should we come into the hospital?  They said we should come in so we began gathering our things, taking care of the pups one last time, and let my parents know we were going to the hospital for the second night in a row.  This time, we felt, it was different and that we wouldn’t be returning home until we had a baby in our arms!  We timed our arrival at the hospital so that we would get there after 5am in order to use the doors/parking spaces we preferred that were a direct connection to the labor and delivery wing of the hospital rather than entering through the ER as we had done less than 24 hours prior to this time.  Doing this made me think of Jim and Pam from the TV show, The Office, and how they tried to get their delivery to work on their own terms...hehe.

We were assessed in the Triage Room (same bed and room as the previous night!).  It wasn’t long before the nurses said that they would be admitting us and that we would be having our baby today (!!!).  We texted my parents and the doula who were anxiously awaiting the news of whether or not this was the real thing after last night’s false alarm.  After what felt like an hour or so, we were shown to our labor and delivery room.  I remember feeling excited as we entered that room since this was where we would be meeting our child for the first time!

My parents and Sara came back to our room as we settled in the labor and delivery room between 7 and 8am.  I remember watching as the morning sunlight trickled in through the windows.  I didn’t know it at the time but the windows of our room faced out in the general direction of our neighborhood.  Also around this time, as we were adjusting to being in the room and Sara worked to get her birthing ball and peanut ball blown up, we met the main nurse who would be with us that day, Nancy, and others as they went about setting up machines, taking my vitals, setting up the hep lock port since we were hoping to avoid use of an IV if possible, and all the other tasks associated with preparing for labor and delivery.   

The nurses even allowed my Dad to stay in the room exceeding our total of folks who can be in the room (usually they cap it at three but for us, they said the four could remain (i.e., Sara (our doula), Mom, Dad, and of course, Adam).  The contractions came and went over the next couple hours as I increasingly felt things progress throughout my body.  Then, at 10am, we received word from my doctor that due to the water breaking at 3:30am, that baby would need to be delivered within 18 hours.  That is when things became more real for me in realizing that by that evening, baby would be there no matter what.  I still wanted to try to deliver vaginally and with no medication if I could.  Due to the time crunch and the fact that I was still no further along with my dilation in spite of the contractions, it was decided that I would need to be on Pitocin to speed up the contractions a bit.  I was upset as I had hoped for an all natural birth for our baby but understood the reasoning behind it since there was concern the baby had accidentally swallowed some of the meconium when my water broke.  To think I was emotional about this change in the birth plan early on in the labor/delivery process now as I reflect on everything else that happened, this small change was nothing compared to the other major changes that would occur as the day unfolded.  

As a result of the Pitocin being inserted via IV (again another change from the birth plan as I had hoped to avoid the use of IVs) at 10am and increasing every 30 minutes, the contractions intensified.  When the Pitocin was first started, it was at a level of two, then four, and finally at six.  Little did I know that that IV would be attached to my hand for the next four days after that.  A little after 1pm, my doctor appeared in the room.  She said I was 75% effaced and about 7 or 8 cm dilated.  Then she told Nancy, our nurse, that she would be at the office and to call her when she was needed.  Throughout the last hour (I think anyway as time is a bit fuzzy for me on my end at this point) I began to get feelings of panic as the labor intensified.  There were so many people coming and going, including my parents who would step out then return to the room, and others who would stop in and check on my vitals and whatnot.  A Eucharistic Minister even stopped by our room to administer Communion to us.  The timing was impeccable as she arrived in between contractions so that my parents, Adam, and I could receive together.  A sense of peace and calm came over me as I received Communion that helped me to get through that next contraction.  

At one point though, when my parents and doula had stepped out and Nurse Nancy was not in the room, it was just Adam and me pushing my way through the contractions.  We both kind of panicked when I said that I felt as if I were going to be sick and could he find a trash can after practically hyperventilating my way through a contraction.  I ended up not needing the trash can after all as the feelings of nausea passed and I tried to keep my inner focus on the breathing through contractions.  However, at this point, I was beginning to let my nerves get the better of me by doubting myself and whether or not I could actually do this and deliver this baby into the world.  In spite of my internal freak out moments, several people commented on how calm I seemed and due to this I think they may have not realized how far along in the labor I actually was.  Sara and Nancy did a fantastic job of helping me to breathe my way through all the pain/moments of panic on my end while Adam stayed by my side reassuring me.  My mom came back in the room in time for the final stage of labor, transition.   

In hindsight, the transition stage came very fast and quick!  Sara, Adam, and I were debating whether or not I should take an Epidural or some other medicine when I all of a sudden felt the need to push.  It was amazing how different that feeling of needing to push the baby out versus breathing through a contractions was.  I don’t think I will ever forget the looks on Sara’s and Adam’s faces when they realized that the time was very near for the baby to be born.  They both lunged for the remote-like switch on the bed to call the nurse and tell her that we were ready for baby!!  My doctor was called back to the hospital as the nurses advised me to hold off on pushing until she came back to the room.  I asked for my Mom and hunkered down as within what seemed like seconds, a flurry of activity occurred as folks got in position to either help the baby, help me, or help both of us in the first brand new moments of life for our little one.

At this point it was 2pm with four hours of active labor behind us.  After four pushes in the transition stage, at 2:03pm, Charlotte Ann entered our world!  She was 6 lbs. 7 oz. and 19.5 inches of beautiful perfection.  Since this was a vaginal delivery with no pain medication, I could feel every aspect of this labor, including the tear from Charlotte coming out with her hand by her face (something she loves to do even today, at a little over 1 week old, as evidenced by the amount of time she puts her hand to her face or frames her face with both hands).  I was bleeding very heavily and in spite of the medical staff placing Charlotte immediately on my chest for skin-to-skin contact, Adam, my mom, Sara, and Nancy distracting me with “ohs” and “ahs” and talking to me, I could feel the blood gushing out as we worked to deliver the placenta and each “massage” of the fundus (bottom of my uterus)/pummeling of my stomach was so so so painful.  I could feel each stitch as my doctor sewed me back up due to not being able to wait on the anesthetic being able to kick in (they had injected a needle into my upper leg already); there was too much bleeding and no time to wait in terms of stitching.  I remember laying there holding our daughter, being so amazed at the fact that she was here, taking in the joy from the faces of those around me on either side of the bed while also seeing that big needle and the thread or whatever the stitching material was as the doctor methodically worked through the stitches.  

Instead of focusing on this rather painful portion of the labor and delivery experience, I am choosing instead to remember the look of sheer joy on Adam’s face as Charlotte physically bore her way into the world.  The mixture of pride, happiness, and excitement on his face was wonderful to see.  He was crying and laughing at the same time when he announced “Charlotte Ann is here!”  I remember when she first was held up, trying to get a glimpse as to whether she was a boy or a girl but not being able to see past the umbilical cord and turning to Adam.  That was when, through tears and the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on his face (other than when he proposed in downtown Denver), he said we had our daughter!  A few minutes later, Mom made a move to go outside to tell my Dad the good news but I asked her to wait since I wanted to see the look on his face when he found out he now had two granddaugthers!  Later, I found out he was directly outside our labor and delivery room door and had heard everything through the door even though he acted surprised when we told him a short while later when he entered the room again.  He later said one of his favorite parts of the day was when he heard me during the last push and then heard my reaction once I knew it was a girl by my saying, “Aww!”  I don’t recall this but it’s neat to hear my Dad recollect this part of the experience.  Something else others recall that I don’t remember is that I was laughing and joking around during the final few minutes of the labor.  This boggles my mind as I remember being in excruciating pain and thought I was yelling loudly throughout the experience yet Adam, Sara, and my mother said I was rather quiet throughout the painful parts.  I felt as if my mind was racing a mile a minute with my thoughts flitting all over the place and not being able to settle down on just one question, idea, or conversation throughout the labor but again what happened on the outside seems to be different from how I was feeling on the inside which is interesting.

First family photo shortly after Charlotte's arrival when she was less than one hour old!

 

The next couple hours after Charlotte’s arrival flew by and was filled with smiles, cuddles, breastfeeding for the first time, curiosity, wonder, a shower for me, moving us to our recovery room down the hall (into the room I had hoped we would get no less!), and bleeding.  Lots and lots of bleeding occurred for the next five hours.  Later, I would learn that I was hemorrhaging and lost a lot of blood.  It seemed each time I moved in the bed and/or a nurse would check me, a gush would follow….the nurses changed me so many times throughout the five hours I lost track of how many times this happened.   

In retrospect, I liken this time of the day to the calm before the storm.  I had just been given permission to order dinner around 6:30pm (my first meal since dinner the previous night on Sunday) and while I was worried about the blood and grateful for the help of the nurses, I was feeling pretty weak and thought food might help.  I had eaten a small bowl of Cheerios when my water broke at 3:30am at home thinking I might want something plain and bland before heading to the hospital.  I was able to enjoy a granola bar within an hour of Charlotte’s birth ~ let me tell you that Clif bar never did taste so good!!  ;)  However, I was currently feeling weak and grateful for the chicken quesadilla and french fries that had just arrived to the room when Nurse Nancy checked on me (after having been the nurse to check on me several times in a row) and commented on all the blood loss.  I could tell she was concerned by the way she checked my fundus (remember that pummeling of my stomach from earlier to be sure the placenta had completely come out of me after Charlotte’s birth?….ouch!!) so wasn’t too surprised when she said that we would need to call my doctor and have her return to the hospital (a second time on my account) to check on me.  Once I knew the doctor was on her way, I lost my appetite having had only had two bites of the quesadilla and a handful of french fries.  I figured I would finish the meal after seeing the doctor.  We surmised that the placenta might have some parts of it left over inside me or that there was another small tear that we didn’t see due to all the bleeding immediately after the delivery.  I pushed my food away as we prepared to see the doctor thinking of how much I would enjoy it once we had some answers.  My thought was that I would just need a few more stitches and my biggest worry in that moment was that the stitches I had felt being put in me shortly after Charlotte’s debut would be wasted and re-opened to examine me.  In hindsight, how I wish this had been the case after all.

Once the doctor arrived, I was examined in the room where we had labored and delivered our little girl only five hours prior...and pain quickly took over all areas of the brain as the doctor (in my layman’s terms) vaginally attempted to scrape out the remainder of the placenta (if there was any), Nancy pummeled my stomach, and two other nurses worked to keep my legs still in the stirrups.  Believe it or not, this was the most painful part, physically, of the day.  After having already delivered a 6 lb. 7 oz. 19.5 inch baby vaginally and with no medications only to have the most painful portion of this experience be occurring five hours later…I don’t think I ever cried so much in my life.  Cry is not even the word….full out body wracking sobs and wailing would be a better description of what I did in the moment…I don’t think I ever made the sounds I made then and hope to never be in the position to cry from the deepest parts of my inner being like that again.  In the moment, I remember trying to offer it up and unite my suffering with Jesus on the cross but all I wanted was for it to stop and to be back with our daughter, my parents, and Adam in the recovery room.  Nancy, the nurse, was practically in tears herself and I was relieved she was there as I did not know the other two nurses who were assisting the doctor.  I have a whole new respect for the hard working nurses, doctors, and medical staff after this experience.  They provided us with so much support in and through the process and gosh, what an emotionally draining experience some of it can be, yet they are there for you sharing with your pain and your challenges while also rooting you on and sharing in the joys.  

Poor Adam could hear me while I was being examined even though I was clear down the hall in a different room.  He had stayed behind in our recovery room with Charlotte as my parents had stepped out for a few hours.  As my frustration grew with the constant pain I had been feeling since the birth over the recurring blood loss, the decision was made that I would need to undergo exploratory surgery to see about removing any remaining placenta or see if there were any additional tears to explain the bleeding.  However, since I had eaten (just a few bites), putting me under was not an option.  I had to have a spinal tap.  I almost laughed out loud hearing that I would have to have the same procedure of sticking a needle in my back had I received an Epidural during the labor after purposely and deliberately not having done that during Charlotte’s birth.  Oh, the irony!!!

I asked if Adam could be with me in the operating room and expectedly the answer was no.  I asked if one of the nurses, particularly Nancy, could be with me in the operating room.  Again no.  Then I said will anyone be in there with me to distract me from what’s happening and they said yes, someone would be there.  That brought some comfort but I was still very anxious as having surgery never even entered my mind when envisioning our first child’s birthday.  I was grateful though that we would be finding out answers as to why there was so much bleeding happening and wanted to get a hold of my parents so they would know about the upcoming surgery that would be happening within the next 90 minutes.  I was returned to the recovery room where we told Adam what was happening.  He had been sitting in the recliner cradling our little girl in his arms and it was almost too much seeing the look of shock on his face as the words sunk in that the medical staff would need to do exploratory surgery to stop the bleeding.  I have to give him credit though.  He remained calm and championed for me getting down to business in figuring out people to call and trying to keep me calm.

Over the next hour, calls were made, cuddles with Charlotte were had, and the anesthesiologist appeared to gather information.  Halfway through our session with him, I recalled the fibroids and asked Adam if he thought that the bleeding might have anything to do with the fibroids?!  I was surprised I hadn’t thought of the fibroids sooner but I suppose it is because ever since we were dismissed from the specialist doctors in early January, we had put them out of mind having been relieved we wouldn’t need to drive into the city and could deliver locally instead.  For those who have been asking about the fibroid issue and what they are, simply put, for me, they are benign growths that appear seemingly at random.  I never knew I had fibroids until our first ultrasound this past summer.  Apparently pregnancy hormones can cause fibroids to grow at a rapid rate.  Due to my having fibroids, that is why the pregnancy was classified as high risk and required us to see specialists/have extra appointments via telemedicine at our local hospital and utilizing doctors from Magee Women's Hospital (ironically the hospital my twin and I spent a significant amount of time in when we were born).  Once the anesthesiologist left the room, it was just the three of us again until my parents came walking in the room with a vase of flowers and mini balloons attached to the vase, a small beanie baby that reminded me of My Little Pony, and gift bags.  They had excitedly gone clothes shopping for their second granddaughter (their first is eight years old) as it had been quite some time since they were able to go clothes shopping for a baby girl!!  I loved seeing their excitement over showing us the clothes and hated to have to interrupt them to tell them of the exploratory surgery that would be taking place within the half hour.  

How appropriate the name of this beanie baby is Rarity as Charlotte is a rare and treasured gift for us!

Next thing we knew, it was time to go to the operating room.  At first, we thought we would say our goodbyes in the recovery room and the nurses would then take me to the OR.  However, the nurses said no, that all of us would go to near the entrance of the OR together, which I really appreciated.  The nurse at the foot of my bed was none other than Susie, the teacher/tour guide from our birth class/tour on Saturday!  As we wound our way through the hallways going down endless hall after another, it felt like we were going through a maze with no end in sight…kind of like how this whole birthing process had been turning out for us.  I had pictured our first night as a family of three as being one of relaxing in the recovery room, cuddling our newborn, and sharing the joy and news with family and friends and not at all in this manner.  I began praying silently to fight back the tears that were trying to fall as I heard my parents and Adam conversing with the nurses as we made our way to the operating room.  Once we got to the OR hallway, the medical team came out to greet us.  Everyone was very friendly and you could tell worked well together.  They met my family and took care to talk to each one of us.  I cracked a joke with my doctor about whether or not this would qualify the delivery as being one of complications due to having this exploratory surgery after delivering Charlotte.  My family and I said our goodbyes and then I was wheeled into the OR.  The first thing I noticed was the Franciscan cross on the wall opposite from where they positioned me on the table.  That brought comfort as it’s a cross I see every day at work.  The medical team also decided to let me wear my glasses and hearing aids during the surgery even though I said I didn’t want to see or hear anything related to the surgery and I wasn't supposed to have any metal.  They reassured me that I would not see anything due to the drape they would hang and that I would be talking with Kristin, my new BFF as I called her, who would be keeping me company during the surgery.  I know this gal with one blue eye and one brown eye had another important role in the surgery but I really appreciate her taking the time to engage in conversation with me and take my mind off what was happening.  She even prayed the Our Father with me just the two of us as the rest of the room busied itself with getting ready for the surgery and chit chatted about each other’s families and other events of the day.  She asked me all sorts of questions about how we arrived at the name for Charlotte Ann, my line of work, puppies, and other things that seem trivial now when I think back on our conversation but in the moment, were the right things to say.   

The exploratory surgery itself required me to be numb from the chest down through the spinal tap.  My arms were strapped to the ends of the table that were perpendicular from the main table.  In other words, I was laid down on the table and strapped to the ends in the same way Jesus was laid on the cross.  I recalled what the priest said in Confession on Friday night about being vulnerable, asking others for help, and being willing to put myself out there.  Well, this whole day had certainly been about that with all sorts of people coming and going and checking on me.  Little did I know just how vulnerable I would become in the following days.  Back to the exploratory surgery, my feet were inserted into the stirrups and the table tilted for the medical team to do the job.  I didn’t feel pain but uncomfortable pressure that did require two increases in the meds to ensure I didn’t feel more than just the pressure.  

Halfway through the procedure, my doctor asked, “Megan, did you have fibroids during your pregnancy?”  This threw me for a loop as it was at the practice during our first ultrasounds in July that we learned about the fibroids in the first place.  The practice had referred us to the specialists we saw in conjunction with our regular doctors starting in August.  We had paid over $1000 in medical bills over the last 40 weeks just for the specialist appointments alone.  We had been told that the specialists would be working closely with the local practice so as to prevent us from having to go into the city.  So, why was this question coming up now?????  I thought back to my question to Adam earlier in the evening when the anesthesiologist was in our room when I wondered aloud if the hemorrhaging was due to the fibroids.  Something in my doctor’s voice caught my attention and worry began crowding my brain anew…but Kristin continued our conversation and I obliged in my not 100% myself dazed and confused state.  Soon though, I realized that only Kristin and I were talking in the room.  I asked where the doctor was and why it was so quiet.  She said, “Oh, she needed to go talk to Adam and she will be right back”…

This next part is the worst part of our story for me to tell and when I say it in person, I end up getting extremely emotional.  It is all still so raw and I'm not sure it will ever get easier to tell.  The story does get a bit fuzzy for me due to the anesthesia and the back to back double surgeries.  My doctor reentered the operating room and came over to my right side to talk to me.  Still strapped to the table and laying there staring up at the ceiling while chatting with Kristin, when I glanced over at the doctor I instinctively knew something was wrong.  The doctor explained that there was no way they could stop the bleeding and that in order to save my life, they had no choice but to go in and remove the uterus to contain the bleeding.  She explained that with the amount of blood I lost during the delivery of Charlotte followed by the five hours of bleeding afterwards, then this exploratory surgery to see about removing any remaining placenta and upon learning that one of the fibroids was so large that it prevented the uterus from clamping what led to the heavy bleeding, that there was no time to spare and the medical team needed to move fast to take my uterus.  None of this was expected and even just typing these words right now I can’t believe it has happened.  Initially, I remember feeling relieved that they knew how to stop the bleeding because the sooner that would happen the sooner we could get on with it and I could get back to my little girl. 

Then, all of a sudden, it was crystal clear what the doctor was saying as I realized what this indicated and said, “Wait, does this mean we can’t have any more children?” to which she nodded, tears filling her eyes, and said there was no other option.  I remember everyone from the medical team standing around me and how quiet everything was in that operating room as I processed this information.  I then said, “Does Adam know?” and the doctor said, “Yes, he is here now” after which he stepped into my view.  I remember being surprised that he was dressed in scrubs and was there standing next to me.  I think I may even have said he looked like an astronaut.  Typical me...making some kind of inappropriate remark even in a serious situation such as this one.  Or maybe Adam was there before the doctor told me the prognosis...Like I said, things are a bit fuzzy for me in terms of sequence but what I do remember clearly is the feeling of love and support in that room from everyone there.  Jesus might as well have been standing there holding my hand along with Adam as we all wept.  I couldn’t stop crying laying there stretched out on the table looking up at Adam as the enormity and reality of the situation crept into my foggy mind.  I must have made quite the sight...blubbering on and being unable to move as I was strapped to the table.  I do distinctly remember thinking the last time Adam had tears in his eyes as he looked down at me was just a few hours earlier in another part of the hospital but that time was more joyous as it was when we were celebrating Charlotte’s birth.  Now, even though we still celebrate Charlotte, we were saying goodbye to the future children and large family we had been planning on giving to her and to one another.  I simply couldn’t believe it.  How do you go from preparing for your first child of what you anticipated as being the first of many to only child in the space of seconds???  This was what I thought our calling was….to raise our children through the vocation of family and to serve God in this way as wife, mother, teacher.  Don’t get me wrong, I know there are so many who are unable to conceive or struggle to remain pregnant and who would jump at the chance to have a child in the first place.  In that moment though I couldn’t help but feel robbed and defeated.  I felt as though I was letting Adam down by having a bleeding out uterus that now needed to be removed.  What about all those specialist doctor appointments in the months leading up to the due date?  We spent over $1000 in the specialist appointments.  I tried to eat right and take care of myself throughout the last 40 weeks of pregnancy.  What if we had met 10 years earlier when my uterus was in “better shape”?  What if this?  What if that?  All those nights of praying/worrying/wondering about the future and the children to come and then boom, in a split second, it all changed.  I recall saying something along the lines of well, we could adopt to give Charlotte brothers and sisters and Adam saying we could give her lots of furry brothers and sisters (referencing Hershey and Dusty Shamrock) which elicited a chuckle amidst the tears.  To the medical staff, I also said that if nothing else, I hoped that the way our story was unfolding that I would hope that perhaps in the future, improved communication between the specialists and the local doctors could occur to prevent misunderstandings/miscommunication from occurring.  Before long, we needed to get on with it and sign paperwork so the medical staff could perform the second surgery.  This time around they would be able to put me under in spite of the small amount of food I had eaten earlier in the evening.  When the doctor brought over the form saying what the effects of the surgery could be, including death, it took all the strength I could muster to sign the form.  I hesitated with the pen over the line where I was to sign long enough for my doctor to say, “This is where you sign”, to which I said, “I know but I don’t want to.  I hate all that my signing here represents” but I did because there was no other choice.  Precious time was ticking by, more and more blood was being lost, and the circumstances were dire.  Adam kissed me goodbye and soon the room that had come to a standstill was busy with movement and activity in preparing for the second surgery.  Just before I was about to go under, Kristin leaned over me and asked me if I would like for all of them to say the Our Father together since she must have recalled the two of us praying it softly together before the first surgery.  I got about halfway through the prayer before becoming too choked up from the emotion/despair but the medical team was able to finish it out for me.  My doctor gave me a hug, well, as best as she could considering I was lying strapped to the table before I drifted off to sleep.

Upon awaking with a sore throat, no voice, and being unable to cough fully due to the incision, the anesthesiologist said how it was a blessing in disguise that my few bites of food had led to my receiving a spinal tap rather than being put under for the first exploratory surgery because otherwise then Adam (and my parents) would have had to make the decision for me to have the uterus removed since I would have been unconscious.  I’m glad that was not the case as that is not something I would have wanted my folks and Adam to have had to experience.  My abdomen was also extremely sore from the stitches and I was unable to sit up or bend.  I had given blood so much during my stay and would continue to give more as the medical team monitored my blood levels that my arm was bruised by my right wrist, on the inside of my left elbow and on my right arm as well.  Due to the shot in my back, I also now had a mark on my back adding to the "map" of battle scars/wounds from this labor and delivery.  Basically, I have an incision as if I had a c-section on top of the stitching that was already done as a result of the vaginal delivery so I guess one could say I got a “two-for-one” in this case.  I suppose if I’m only going to experience pregnancy once, why not experience it both ways (i.e., vaginal vs. c-section delivery so that I can empathize or relate with all my female friends who will go through/have gone through both kinds of delivery when it comes to bearing their children.   

Again, how ironic to deliver one way then to have to undergo surgery that would yield the pain/scar of an entirely different kind of delivery.  Once I was rolled back to our room, I was so relieved to see my family albeit groggily relieved.  Charlotte had received her first bath in my absence (ironically the nurse who gave Charlotte her first bath was the great niece of the previous owner of the house Adam and I bought).  What a small world!!  Charlotte was also given formula since the second surgery lasted for over three hours and she had needed to eat while I was otherwise occupied.  Yet another diversion from the birth plan in Adam’s and my request to not use formula as we had hoped to engage in breastfeeding our child.  As a result of all the blood loss/stress/damage to my body (my blood counts/hemoglobin were half what they should be and I was now anemic), the colostrum/beginning breastmilk that my body had produced previous to the back to back double surgeries significantly decreased and in terms of feeding Charlotte it was like starting from scratch all over again.  For the remainder of the hospital stay (we stayed there from early morning Monday through Thursday evening (way to spend spring break!!), I tried and tried to breastfeed, supplementing with formula when I just could not produce for our little girl, and, at the recommendation of our doctor and pediatrician, pumped to try to get to the breastmilk to come in…which did happen literally on our last day there with the milk fully coming in the next evening at home on Friday!  Praise God! '

Proud papa!

We didn't get much sleep that first night after the surgeries.  A nurse came to check on me every 20 minutes.  Charlotte didn't get a full feeding and would only snack on milk a little bit at a tme.  Adam was super tired from the day's events and tried to walk her to sleep by pacing circles around our recovery room.  I couldn't physically get out of bed and hold Charlotte let alone walk around carrying her yet so was relieved Adam was there to hand her to me or take her from my arms and try to lay her down again.

I got about 45 minutes of restless sleep from 4 - 4:45am when Charlotte fell asleep on my left sholder/arm in the hospital bed.  Adam was able to go home on the first day so that he could get a shower and take a nap before the next step.

 

Sleeping Beauty!

I am so grateful my parents were able to provide the emotional and physical support throughout this whole process but especially so during this past week!  We are so grateful for the support and love of both sets of grandparents who have been our rocks and helping to focus on the positive.

 

My heart about melted when Adam returned to the hospital with this book (Guess How Much I Love You) to read to our little snuggle bug. I didn't think I could love this man any more than I do but after going through this whole process of getting pregnant and delivering our little angel together, I do!

Charlotte Ann settling in for her first night of sleeping outside the womb!  She wound up dozing off and on in my arms between 4 and 5am.  Guess she is a night owl like me!

Daddy's Girl!

Sleeping Beauty! What a gift she is... Especially as we learned just how rare it is to even carry a child to full term in spite of the numerous fibroids that were entrenched on and in my uterus that were undetected by ultrasounds. She truly is our little miracle baby and our gift!!

Preparing for St. Patrick's Day early...kiss me I'm Irish!

From the beginning, within moments of being born, Charlotte appeared to be nursing well demonstrating a proper latch and suckling.  However, after the surgeries, when she wasn’t able to obtain the milk she desired from me and her latching skills seemed to decline, the breastfeeding experience was a very painful and frustrating one for the both of us that culminated with both of us crying a lot.  Charlotte wound up losing some weight, which I know is typical of newborns due to losing fluid and adjusting to life “on the outside”, but it was still worrisome to hear that she dropped from her birth weight of 6 lbs. 7 oz. on Monday afternoon to 6 lbs. 1 oz. on Thursday afternoon.  When we first came home last Thursday evening, there was improvement for the both of us breastfeeding-wise the first few days before she started rejecting one breast then both of them.  I was able to still pump after a feeding attempt and she took the breastmilk with no problems whatsoever from the bottle.  So for the last few days, we’ve been supplementing breastfeeding by pumping the milk and giving it to her in the bottle.  However, two days ago, was the first day I did not try to breastfeed her and already I’m noticing a huge difference in meltdowns and frustration levels on both ends.  We had a pediatrician appointment yesterday morning.  He said that my breastmilk must be very nutritive due to the amount of weight Charlotte was able to put on since Thursday morning and to keep doing what I am doing (pumping then giving the milk to Charlotte via bottle).  Fomula can be given as a last minute resort if need be.  She is now 7 lbs. 2 oz. and 20 inches long so she grew by 17 oz. and .5 inch in the last few days as we transitioned from the hospital to home which was excellent news to hear!!

So far in her young life, Charlotte was blessed twice by Monsignor Gerry, has been to two chapels, Stations of the Cross, and one church.  Monsignor Gerry had come to see us during our hospital stay and gave us a blessing right then and there in our room.  We were fortunate and blessed to receive the Eucharist on nearly all the days we were at the hospital with my parents receiving a few times as well.  I am thankful that we were able to deliver our only child in a Catholic hospital.  That wasn’t something that was planned as I just wanted to deliver at a place close to home that was also accepted by our insurance but it was a nice bonus.  It also seemed that during the particularly dark moments during the days at the hospital, a Eucharistic Minister, a chaplain, or Fr. Gerry showed up..talk about God sending the right people to us at the right time!  Also, March 7th, Charlotte's birthday, is the feast day of St. Theresa Margret Redi of the Sacred Heart so maybe someday Charlotte will choose that saint as her confirmation saint.  Guess only time will tell!!  On Thursday afternoon, after we were discharged, we stopped in the hospital chapel to say a prayer of thanksgiving for our little family of three.  We also swung by the local pharmacy since I had a slew of medications to fill.  I’m currently on six different medicines as we move forward in the healing process.  Physically I get a little bit stronger each day whereas emotionally, I’m all over the place.   

Some of my daily progress involved removing my catheter, walking three laps around our hospital floor/wing, sleeping for four hours straight thanks to pain meds, eating some Italian ice (am not able to eat solid foods yet), and working toward acceptance of the completely unexpected as this journey of motherhood continued to teach me to embrace change and God's will all the more.  Eventually I was able to start eating solid foods halfway through my stay and increase my walking to several laps around the hospital floor/wing.

On our first "family outing" two days after Charlotte was born as I completed my fifth lap of walking around our wing for the day (yay for progress!). This is also the labor and delivery room where we met Charlotte for the first time on Monday afternoon!!

Common scene from my bed...pictures being taken with little Charlotte!

The surprise flower and balloon deliveries were special treats as they helped to decorate and brighten up our room during the hospital stay.

I don't think I could ever get tired of staring at this sweet face and all her many different expressions.

 

With the dawn comes rejoicing....the phrase , "thank you", to God and all those family and friends who have supported us over the last several days, doesn't seem enough but we hope everyone knows how much all three of us appreciate each of them. :}

 

Getting ready to go home on our fourth day in the hospital!  I'm glad Adam was able to take one week's parternity leave off from work so he could be with Charlotte and me nearly the whole time.

 

 

Looks like someone was as excited as we were to go home!!  ; )

Waiting for Daddy to bring the car to the door.

 

Once released from the hospital by the nurse seeing us off in our car (following procedures), we parked and returned to the hospital so we could visit the chapel and say a quick prayer of thanksgiving before leaving as a family of three.  I kept something Marita, one of my former housemates, reminded me of during her visit to us in the hospital.  She reminded me that Mary had been a mother of one and the Holy Family was made up of three as well.  This reminder is something I will keep in mind and focus on when I start to engage in self pity over not being able to birth more children.

Charlotte's two furry brothers have really taken a liking to baby Charlotte, especially Hershey, the younger pup!  In fact, he is acting like a completely different dog and shows a lot of curiosity in Charlotte by sniffing her, her blanket, the car seat, the boppy, and anything else Charlotte-related.  He comes running any time he hears so much as a peep from her.  We are still working on the housetraining with this little rascal as he had an accident in the kitchen last night...so we're back to Day 1 of housetraining...lol!  Maybe he will be housetrained by the time Charlotte begins to work on potty training in a couple years...?!

 

Mark helping to cut off the hospital bracelets our first night home!

 

I think Charlotte approves of the Pack and Play.  ; )

 

My sister-in-law's mother is a teacher.  Her class of 6th graders made this sweet card for us.  I'm so touched by the sheer number of folks who have been keeping us covered in prayer and sending us their well wishes.  Charlotte has impacted a lot of folks in her short life already!! 

 

These beautiful tulips changed from bright pink to purple over the next couple days.  I can't wait to plant these with the yellow tulips from the Ohio Baby Shower!  "Charlotte's Flowers" will be quite the colorful collection when I learn how to plant these in a planter this summer.

Charlotte was lucky to go on a couple walks around the neighborhood thanks to her grandparents and Uncle Pat!

Charlotte's first outing after coming home from the hoospital (Thursday evening) was to go to Stations of the Cross at our church the next day on Friday night.

Surprise Bavarian Creme cake!  I loved the flower decorations as they reminded me of Charlotte's Flowers I hope to plant this summer.

Charlotte getting in some rest time in the swing she is borrowing from her cousins, Thomas and Benjamin.

Love my brothers, and the comic relief they provided, and was so glad they were able to share in the homecoming experience! 

Overall, the transition from hospital to home was a smooth one thanks to the help of Adam and my family!  It has been difficult trying to slow down but with all that has happened the last several days, my body needs to rest in order to heal.  I think that I may have overdone it and pushed myself too soon with trying to do too much too soon and plan to take this coming weekend to slooooow down and follow doctor's orders better.

 

Love this sweet Willow Tree gift from my parents that represents our family of three and the beauty in that.

 

Charlotte's first field trip to my school!

 

Doesn't my little brother look like a model here?!  ; )

She has completly stolen and captivated my heart! 

 

All fresh and clean after her first bath!

 Some other moments from the last week as Charlotte got acquainted with her new home...

Charlotte Ann seems to like the music from the baby playlist.  We sometimes start out the day by listening to songs that have special meaning for Adam and me.  In this photo, she is listening to "Til I Turn to You" by Kim Kalman.  Kim's music continues to be a source of inspiration as I work toward complete acceptance/forgiveness. 

 

 

Small reminders face me daily that are able to set me off on a crying spell at a moment or even a second’s notice.  On Sunday, it was when I read about a speaker who will be at a rally here in town.  The speaker is a Creighton Model specialist (natural family planning and then some expert).  Initially, I was excited thinking oh, Adam and I had wanted to learn more about this when thinking of planning out our family before my heart sank in realizing that we will no longer have to think about those types of things.  When my brothers were here, it happened when I realized that we were only able to ask one brother to be godfather of our child rather than asking one this time, another brother for the second child, another brother for the third child and so forth.  Realizing this fact that only one brother would be directly involved in the sacrament of Baptism hit me like a ton of bricks.

The other day the daily reminder came when we introduced Charlotte to our neighbors and learned that one of the couple is a twin and also has twin brothers in his family (meaning his parents had two sets of twins!!).  Adam and I shared how I’m a twin and Adam has twin uncles on his side so who knows, we may wind up having twins or our children having twins depending on whether or not it skips a generation as the old wives tale goes….before I realized wait, this conversation is irrelevant because we will never find out if maybe I might have twins some day....it took all I could to not burst into tears while standing there in the neighbors' living room as I came to this realization.  Then I got to thinking that night how Adam’s family name will not be carried on through any of our children due to our having a girl.  The waves of grief come unexpectedly and expectedly and sometimes with such a force that I feel as if I’ve been knocked off my feet.  Even something as minor as unpacking and putting away the girl socks I had purchased on consignment last fall and not knowing what to do with the boy socks.  I had had two grocery bags full of pairs of socks from each gender tucked under the guest bed in the St. Francis room.  I had figured that once we knew the gender, we would select the appropriate bag and unpack the socks while the other bag would get packed and put away in the basement for the when the child of the opposite gender would be born.  The same goes for a snow suit we received as a gift from the baby shower.  The snow suit is for a 3 – 6 month old but that would mean that we would put the snow suit on Charlotte in June through August….yes, we get snow around these parts but not during the summer!  Thank God for a mild winter and what will hopefully be an early spring as the birds have returned and the grass is looking lush and green as it grows in our yard.  Anyhow, the other day, I realized as I thought over the clothes we had for 3 – 6 month olds, my breath caught a little when I thought about the fact that there won’t be another baby who might happen to be 3 – 6 months old during the winter months who could wear the bear suit…unless we adopt?  In church this past weekend, I barely held it together when the congregation was asked to pray for babies who have been lost to abortion and for all the unborn as a result…I know that technically, we were talking about babies who wouldn’t be born due to abortion but still hearing the phrase about the unborn babies made me think of the potential sons or daughters Adam and I might have had.  I imagine that these moments will come and go and hopefully won’t act as a trigger for the tears to fall freely as they do now and/or for me to become angry/bitter at what has happened.  For right now though I recognize that this is all so new and still a shock and it’s to be expected that I would be emotional (in addition to the other usual ways that a woman who just delivered a baby might feel).  Adam could probably use extra prayer as as he lives up close and personal with all these emotions and a mama who seems to keep falling apart before his eyes (each day there is something different that comes up as we adjust to this new "normal"...the other day, Adam found me in the bathroom crying over the scars and wounds.  My body looks and feels so different now.  The scar from the incision on my abdomen looks like a sarcastic smile grinning back at me reminding and mocking me of the fact that I am now infertile.  I know this is just my mind playing tricks on me and I need to actively work to stay within positive thoughts.  I would also do it all over in a second if it meant bringing Charlotte to us but it will take some getting used to I'm sure.  I also need to keep in mind that Adam also is processing through his own feelings in this whole experience.  I have been thanking God for the presence of Adam, his strength, and also the strength of my parents as Charlotte's birthday ended so differently from anything I had imagined.  Although as a friend reminded me there are blessings amidst tragedies and if we hadn't gotten pregnant with Charlotte when we did, who knows, the fibroids may have grown unnoticed and who knows what could have happened as a result?!  

What I do know is that the love and support of so many have been so encouraging as we go through this process.  Hearing from others who have had traumatic birth experiences as well and who have been texting or checking in on me helps me to realize that we're not alone in these unexpected events. 

The end of the second reading at mass on Saturday night struck me to my core in light of this past week's events:

Just one thing: forgetting what lies behind but straining foward to what lies ahead, I continue my pursuit toward the goal, the prize of God's upward calling, in Christ Jesus. ~ Phil 3:8-14

These were encouraging words as Adam and I strive to move forward in discerning God's will for our little family.

I’m so so so thankful for the support of my parents here at the house too.  My mom has been a tremendous help from helping me to physically take a shower in the hospital instead of the nurses who helped the first couple times (talk about really opening yourself up to vulnerability and accepting help through being humble), trying to provide hand over hand assistance with the breastfeeding as well as the moral support during the first couple nights at home, listening to me vent and cry over the circumstances that occurred beyond our control, constantly doing laundry as we strive to keep up with the ever growing loads, helping out around the kitchen with the dishes, and taking care of the pups.  Dad has been a cheerful baby holder, baby put to sleeper, and also helps with keeping an eye on the pups.  I don’t think the transition from hospital to home would have been as smooth as it was if it hadn’t been for my parents and even two of my brothers’ involvement!!  My twin, Mark, had timed his arrival to Ohio so that he would be at the house waiting for us when we crossed that threshold carrying his newest niece!  How special that was!!  He had also gone grocery shopping and had dinner ready for us that evening.  He brought what seemed to be an entire kitchen’s worth of groceries and snacks that we hungrily eyed as we got settled in to our home on Thursday evening.  Having taken off work for two days so that he could be here with us meant so much.  From holding Charlotte so I could pump to listening to me as I cried on his shoulder and reminding me to focus on “all the parts not just one part” of the labor/delivery/pregnancy he helped me to see the positive rather than just the negative of the whole situation.  My little brother, Patrick, took a half day off work so that he could make the drive in from Delaware after working earlier that day to meet his newest niece/little goddaughter.  As always, his sense of humor was much welcomed and his steady presence helped me to realize it's going to be okay...especially through our conversation after mass ended and we walked to the cars in the parking lot.  Between my two brothers’ humor in taking silly photos with our cherub and their desire to hold and snuggle her, I was able to focus on trying to heal in the beginning days of being home in spite of my limited mobility (I'm unable to drive, need to stay off stairs, can't do laundry, my feet/legs are constantly swelling so need to keep them elevated as much as possible, and many other restrictions but as long as I can hold and be around Charlotte, I feel myself getting stronger and stronger for her each day).  On Sunday, before Patrick left, we took Charlotte to school for the first time so Patrick could be there for another “first” for Charlotte.  :)

Below are some pictures from my brothers' shenanigans.  My twin posted the following three photos and this on Facebook:  Not to rush little Charlotte, but considering it's her first full day in the house, I took it upon myself to show her how to do a few things..

..how to do laundry...

...how to do the dishes...

...and most importantly always put the toilet seat back up when you are done...!

Then Patrick had some fun with Charlotte at my work during her first trip to campus. 

He also texted me later after he left for Delaware a sweet message saying this:  How do you like being on the other side of the adored baby?  You've loved and been proud of and bragged about and protected so many of our other ones.  Can you feel it still?  Can you feel us all sending those same feelings and pride to YOUR OWN?  Does it feel much different?  Whew!  That text nearly brought me to my knees...that is if I could kneel..ha!  I told him that I still can't believe little Charlotte is here with us and I'm trying my hardest to keep the focus on her and all the positives that we have instead of thinking of the others who won't be coming to join her.  That is where all the love and support of family, friends, and even those we don't know who are praying for us come into play.  Their prayers and my family's faith in me are what have been keeping me going. 

I'm so thankful we have little Charlotte as a result of all this.  Some have even suggested the idea that Charlotte saved my life as they found out the severity and the extent of the fibroids that were present in the uterus.  These tumors had apparently grown to the sizes of softballs within me in the time since we were released from the specialist doctors in early January particularly the one fibroid they couldn’t see as a result of baby growing so much.  It turns out there was an additional fibroid that was undetected by ultrasound too.  I suppose this experience also serves as a reminder that although technology and medicine are great, it is still just that…technology and limited knowledge that doctors, at best, can use to come up with a plan of care/action.  The one doctor described the upper fibroid as a Christmas ball dangling from the top of the uterus.  Both of the doctors who performed the second surgery expressed incredulous disbelief over the fact that the baby was completely unharmed by the presence of these fibroids in such a small space.  In fact, one of the fibroids appeared to be decaying as a result of Charlotte’s presence…showing she is already a little fighter and even more of a miracle than we had realized.  The medical staff remarked how incredible it was to carry a baby to full term to the full 40 weeks as I did in spite of the presence of these tumors above and within the uterus because in cases like mine, many women are unable to get pregnant in the first place while others, on the slim chance, that they do conceive, they are usually not likely able to carry the baby to term.  Also, at any given point in time, pregnant or not, the fibroids could have ruptured inside me which would have led to my bleeding to death.  So, perhaps Charlotte was sent to us to not only save my life but to give us hope as we build our family of three.  

We also learned on Tuesday and Wednesday from both doctors that had we delivered elsewhere, the outcome would have been the same, meaning I would have likely received a hysterectomy in any event baby or no baby.  The difference in going to a facility that might have been better able to detect the fibroids’ growth toward the end of the pregnancy is that the medical staff would have most likely not allowed a vaginal delivery (that I had so badly wanted for the unborn baby) and would have told me ahead of time that potentially we could lose the baby and/or my life and that I would then have to undergo major surgery shortly after baby’s arrival to have the hysterectomy be performed.  Can you imagine the anxiety and worry I would have encountered had I known going into the labor experience that the baby would need to be born and then I would have to leave for surgery??!  Not that I “enjoyed” the labor experience we did have but I would have been so worried and anxious at what was to come next I probably would have been more tense and not as “in the moment” in preparing for the little one’s arrival.  I also would have missed out on the skin-to-skin bonding time that we experienced in the hour directly after Charlotte’s birth….or worse yet, if the fibroids had been detected before pregnancy and the hysterectomy performed before we even had the chance to get pregnant.   

All in all, while I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone….I’m so beyond grateful and thankful we have our beautiful little girl with us!  In hindsight, I have to marvel at God’s timing of everything…getting engaged/married sooner than I expected it to happen, becoming pregnant during the honeymoon (or shortly after it) when I assumed we would need to try to conceive for at least several months, having a rather uneventful pregnancy (other than the fibroid issue of course) that culminated in the baby being born on the first day of spring break/her due date (!!!), and now having the privilege of experiencing a maternity leave (even though of course I so wish that it had not been filled with said complications) that will carry us out to the start of summer when I will be off work anyhow.  This time will allow me additional time to bond with and be with our child 100% of the time rather than learning to manage to devote time to family and work simultaneously during this new beginning for us.  I have some time to figure out how I will do that come next August when I return from maternity leave for the Fall 2016 semester.  

I know I've talked about this song elsewhere but I heard it in the car yesterday and realized that it has taken on a different meaning for me (especially the second verse!).

Only in God’s beautiful timing could Charlotte enter our world and even though I’m sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, mad, and all sorts of other feelings over the turn of events regarding my new identity as as being an infertile woman (especially in a town where large Catholic families abound-something I always dreamed of having someday-and are the norm) I am also overjoyed, thankful, thrilled, appreciative of, ecstatic, and over the moon in love with our daughter.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster!!  I sense that something big (other than our precious daughter’s life) is going to come from this experience.  I don't know what it is and know there will be dark days ahead but for right now at this very moment, I'm choosing to lean into the light and to embrace it all including the sufferings...this is my forty days in the desert.  This is my Lent.  This is the suffering I will shoulder and bear the rest of my life.  I have a feeling it will take me a long time to get over this change and to possibly not go a day without crying for a while but God wouldn't have brought me to this if He didn't think I could handle it.  Someday, this will all make sense and for now, I'm going to focus on how this can be used in working for the good of the Lord.  In talking with someone at work today, he shared how his wife and he struggled with infertility for seven years before deciding to adopt.  They now have three children.  He said that looking back at his life, he wouldn't change a thing and that he loves how "God put his family together".  What a powerful statement!  Maybe I will find myself saying that one day too.  Please do continue to keep us in your prayers as I am still in need of physical as well as emotional healing.

 

I don’t know what it is yet or why this happened but I have to believe there is a purpose to it.  I didn’t write this and share the story for your sympathy or for pity.  However, I wanted to share it to help explain to those of you who might know the full story why I may have sudden mood swings or why even though I’m so thoroughly overjoyed with Charlotte, there is also sadness over the loss of my womanhood/fertility and I ask that you have patience as I work to get used to this new “normal” and come to accept it.