Letting myself be led

Yesterday morning I had my six week check up since Charlotte’s birthday.  All restrictions were removed at the conclusion of the appointment (yippeeeee!!!!) even though according to my doctor it will be six months before the pain is totally gone/I'm back to 100%.  Due to the restrictions being lifted, I was able to drive for the first time since driving home from work on Friday, March 4^th when an hour later, Aunt Marie and I took Charlotte to her pediatrician appointment.  We celebrated the newfound freedom after the doctor appointment by grabbing brunch at a locatl restaurant.  Afterwards, as we left, we saw two lovely ladies from work in the parking lot.  It was great being able to introduce Charlotte to their smiling faces.

Back at the house I did a daily workout that I had been doing in the nine weeks leading up to when Charlotte was born.  Like driving, Friday, March 4^th was the last time I did this workout so it was nice to get back into it yesterday!!  I also started carrying laundry baskets up and down the stairs and was even able to carry Charlotte in her carrier.   By the time I fell into bed last night, my still numb lower stomach and incision were feeling the strain from the day's extra activity but I actually went to sleep excited about the prospect of driving to the post office to mail birth announcements the next day.  My oh my, how times have changed.

Today continued with more “firsts” since before Charlotte’s arrival.  I enjoyed a bath (minus the bubble bath since I was worried the soap might burn the incision which I know it won’t but mentally, I’m not ready yet).  Taking this bath was very much enjoyed as I’m so not a shower person.  I also drove my car alone for the first time when I drove to the post office this afternoon as Charlotte napped.  On the way home, I made an impromptu stop at Office Max to pick up a purple folder and file for organizing Charlotte’s papers/records.  Yep, she is purple in my color-coded planner.  ; )  I bumped into two folks from work, including my day time sub, in the parking lot so my return home was about an hour later than expected.  Fortunately, Charlotte was just waking from her nap when I walked in the door and I was able to relieve Adam by feeding her. 

As we finished up the bottle, it was time to go meet Katy for our first walk in the neighborhood!!  This was my first time pushing the stroller and taking Charlotte for a walk as the sun set, we breathed in the springtime breeze, and the birds chirped overhead.  It was a glorious evening for a stroll and was great to catch up with Katy after having spent some time chatting with Ann last night when she swung by the house to drop off some Pampered Chef from a recent party she had hosted.  We’re certainly blessed with sweet friends in this little town that's for sure! 

As I stared back into Charlotte’s dark blue eyes on the walk back to the house this evening, I walked in awe looking at this beautiful little creation of God.  What a gift it is to be entrusted with this little one.  Just as the tiniest of buds and leaves are appearing on the trees around us and the smallest shoots of branches are sprouting from the ground underfoot, new life is blossoming and blooming all around us including within our six week old and one day daughter.  It’s a tremendous honor to be the caretaker of this little person and I hope that I can do God proud in raising her with Adam.  This is a new beginning, a new season and start, and much like the Gavin DeGraw lyrics that played on the wedding CD that played over the car speakers when I turned that key in the ignition for the first time in a long time this afternoon, “this is the start of something new…don’t you agree??”  I think back to the initial days after the surgeries that were so dark…to the shock, disbelief, and sadness of it all.  I remember the automatic answer in my mind when yet another nurse would come in to draw blood and say, “Is this your first?” after seeing Charlotte lying in her bassinet next to my hospital bed that would resound in my ears but remain unspoken.  “Yes, and last….”  Now, I think, “Yes and thank God for her!!”  

Last week, a well-meaning friend asked me why I am so sad when she stopped by to meet Charlotte and visit.  It gave me pause.  Yes, hormones are all out of whack.  Yes, the events of the last six weeks were unexpected but there have also been some exceptionally beautiful moments thrown in there too.  It’s amazing how quickly each day seems to go with “just” tending to Charlotte’s needs 24/7.  In a way, I’m glad because this crazy pace (and lack of sleep) has kept me distracted and from focusing too long on the sadness.  Also, by staying home in the safe cozy bubble we have created for ourselves, and in cutting off contact with others, it’s easier to not face the feelings or maybe bury them deep inside me.  It took this friend asking why I’m sad (and to force me to put it into words) to remind me of how difficult it will be once I do return to work or see others who, well meaning as they are, ask how I am that I might be reduced to a shriveling mess if I don’t work to manage my feelings better.  Keeping the feelings all bottled up inside won’t be helpful-not to me and certainly not to the person who asked.  I realized that part of keeping busy was a way I was subconsciously avoiding dealing with how I was feeling which has been something I've needed to work on in the past as well.

The grief comes in waves sometimes and hits me seemingly out of nowhere but then again it’s hard to rationalize with grief.  Social media, at times, doesn’t help…especially when I see pictures of others with multiple children as seeing these images makes me grieve for what I feel as if I have lost.  However, a friend did share with me last week a quote when she dropped off a delicious meal she had made for us, “Comparison is the thief of joy”.  I need to work on not comparing myself to others and to focus on what I can contribute in my own way now given the circumstances that we are currently in and facing.  We discussed how hard it is to not look outward and engage in the “grass is greener” mentality especially if we set high expectations for ourselves and perceive ourselves as not meeting standards, even if those standards are self-imposed.  I am trying to keep this in mind especially when I also get so angry when I think of those in less than ideal circumstances and how easily they can have multiple children yet that option was taken away from us when the uterus was taken away so abruptly…then I think of how poorly this line of thinking reflects on Charlotte as if she isn’t enough but she is.  No, I take that back as she is more than enough.  I don’t want her to grow up with extra pressure from us because all our hopes and dreams are pinned on her shoulders yet I don’t want her to think that we had to settle for her since she is the only one we’re going to ever have biologically…what an up and down roller coaster it all is but I can honestly say, six weeks out, that I’m seeing the light more and more.  Charlotte will have special relationships with her cousins and friends not to mention with us as her parents.  Maybe our family will grow in other ways.  Not all is lost.  In the last several days, I have not cried more than I have cried.  This is an improvement compared to when I couldn’t get through a day without crying at least once.  On Sunday, when I read the daily reflections I’m completing throughout the Easter season, these words leapt off the page and personally resonated with me:

God will wipe away every tear. ~ Revelation 7:17

Tears are a natural part of being human.  (This made me think of how proud I was to not have cried that day…and how maybe I shouldn’t be working so hard to get through a day without crying.  If I’m sad and mourning the loss of something, I shouldn’t work to ignore it or push it out of my mind but should allow myself ot feel what I'm feeling in an attempt to process it.  However, I don’t want to get stuck in the grieving cycle and just stay in that spot.  Looking at the last 43 days though I can see the small gains and steps I’ve taken in processing the information and moving forward with the help of a loving (albeit funny) husband who helps me to find my smile when I’ve lost it, supportive family and friends who are checking in/sending positive words of encouragement, the warm body of a cuddly puppy snuggling next to me as I feed the baby, through the touch of my daughter’s tiny hand clinging to my finger reminding me she needs me, all of me not just a me going through the motions, and even the prayers of acquaintances/strangers, as well as God’s hand in it all.) 

There is simply no way around it:  at one point or another, each of us will shed tears of sadness.  They could be the result of a sickness, the death of a loved one, a failed relationship, a dashed hope, or a host of other causes-but they will come.  While many people spend their whole lives trying to suppress the pain and avoid the tears, our best strategy would be to find a way to survive these times of distress, not run from them (Revelation 7:14).  For us believers, survival means trying not to let these times of pain separate us from the Lord or each other.  (Reading this passage made me think of the friends and moms who have been delivering meals to us.  As the days are now a blur of tending to Charlotte, at times I can lose track of what day it is or even the time.  On the darkest of days, I tend to want to just keep to myself shutting myself off from people and the outside world…holding on to the anger, resentment, and sorrow due to not “getting what I had assumed I would get” but isn’t that how it is?  We have an idea as to what something will look like but it is never guaranteed that the plan will unfold the way we envision it.  I can’t imagine this profound despair ever dissipating but I know it will lessen over time as that is usually the nature of how these things go.  Having come from a large family and having lived with my older brother’s large family and being around my niece and nephews, through the years and years of babysitting growing up and elsewhere, through teaching so many years, and now living here in this little town that is big on large families/homeschooling I just can’t help but feel like I’m entrenched in what I had always assumed I would have some day/was preparing for and will now always be reminded that Adam and I won’t be able to create our own large family when I had assumed that that was what was coming next for us.  So much so, especially in light of the fact that when Adam and I first started dating he hadn’t really considered the size of his future family but then after prayer and reflection he actually wound up wanting a larger family than even I had dreamt of yet now I can’t give that to him which is one of the biggest disappointments of all this for me.  He has said that he has all he needs in Charlotte and me and how he’s so thankful I’m still here after the scare we had before the life-saving surgery so I know it’s all me bringing this on myself but it feels like I am failing at the one thing I was supposed to be able to do (have kids).  Experiencing these feelings makes me empathize with those who struggle with infertility all the more.  So I don’t know what the lesson in all this is.  Perhaps it is to be more accepting of other plans.  Maybe it is to let go of control.  Or is it to grow in solidarity with those who can’t conceive?  Shower all my time/efforts on one child instead of a bunch…which then leads me to think God didn’t think I would be a good mother so that is why we are limited to just one, etc. etc.  Maybe it's all of the above or some thing else I haven't even considered.  The mind can be pretty cruel in thinking up all these “what if” scenarios but I have learned that drowning myself in the pity isn’t good!  It is during these times that I should reach out all the more and on the days meals are being delivered, I look forward to the conversation, advice, and kind words of these women and men (some Dads have delivered the meals) that help to shine some of the light into the darkness.  So many individuals have been so kind to not only share of their time and food but of their thoughts and prayers as they drop off the meals.  A couple surprises have been included in addition from beautiful flowers to a sheet of Jamberry wraps to an adorable set of shoes for little Charlotte.  The love shown our little family, and to our sweet girl, has touched me deeply and I can’t wait to “pay it forward” by making my own meal to take to a family in the near future.)

Jesus knows that we all have scarred memories…Jesus promises to wipe away every tear we have ever shed.  In the beauty and perfection of heaven, there will never be another reason to weep.  Try to imagine what your mind would be like if you were finally set free of every sad, resentful, critical, or angry thought.  Are you suffering right now?  Does the pain feel like a weight around your neck or a dark cloud over your head?  If so, remember that a day is coming when every problem will be resolved, every memory will be healed, and every tear will be wiped away.  Jesus, teach me how to survive in faith.  Fill me with hope and confidence that you will come and set me free.  (This passage from this past Sunday gives me hope and helps me to realize just how much God loves me for me.  The love I feel for Charlotte simply because she exists helps me to see that that is how God feels about me as His daughter.  I ache when I see her cry.  She now has tears when she cries and I do everything in my power to try to keep her from crying when she gets so upset.  Think of how the Lord must feel when He sees us in pain and struggling.  The way He must want to comfort us and wipe away every tear compared to how we do with our children is so reassuring to me.  Instead of working to not cry each day and perhaps suppressing the feelings, I’m going to instead work to set myself free of every sad, resentful, critical, or angry thought…..this is a lofty goal I know.  It will probably take a lot of self-talk to change the automatic internal dialogue that plays in my mind but with practice, I hope to be able to focus more on the positive than on the negative.  By focusing on the love of the Lord and all the supports He has placed into my life to help get through the challenges, I am leaning into the light and hope so that I can be set free from the shackles of the sadness.  I snapped the photo below when we were at a state park the other day.  Instead of looking at the dull stem that hasn't blossomed, I'm instead going to focus on the one bloom that has sprouted and is growing.  My little flower, Charlotte, is the greatest blessing out of all this and I will do all I can to aid her in her growth so she can further blossom like this little flower in the image!)

Heather, our matron of honor, has been a source of reason and hope during these difficult days.  I’m so grateful for that moral support and the fact she is willing to stand in the gap for me.  She also said something recently that really helped to shift my line of thinking.  She said that we are now painting a new picture (compared to what we thought we were painting before) and it will still be beautiful...maybe even better than the original.  What an absolutely terrific quote and concept!!!  Ever since hearing that, I've been actively working to embrace the new masterpiece, or the process of creating that work of art, more and let go of the previously imagined picture.  Part of what’s helping me to do that is to follow Charlotte’s lead.  She is always looking up whether we’re holding her, she’s laying down, or sitting up…she tends to have an upward gaze and is reminding me to keep the focus above me on the light as she does when she stares at the ceiling or to wherever the light is shining. I snapped this photo during a late night feeding as I held her.  She kept squirming in my arms and was restless before I realized she was trying to look up regardless of the fact that it was 2:30am and completly dark in the room.  She wanted to position herself so that she could see the twinkling lights of the tree I had left on in the living room as a night light.

As I strive to follow Charlotte's lead and put myself in the warmth of the light, I also like to think about the lyrics to our communion song from our wedding, “Shepherd Me Oh God”, by Marty Haugen.  Last spring, when planning out the music for our wedding, I got a little push back from the church music director when I requested this song be a part of our wedding due to this song typically being used for funerals.  However, I wanted to include this particular song as Adam and I began our lives together and wanted it to be included as a reminder that our marriage and relationship is not about my wants or Adam’s wants.  As of the completion of the sacrament, it was now about putting the other person first and about looking at what God’s will is for our marriage and putting it ahead of our individual wants and desires.  This self sacrifice or denial for the good of the other all in the name of God is what it is all about and goodness gracious what a reminder I needed as I recently prayed over this psalm and the words from the song….since Charlotte's birthday, I have been focusing on what it is I wanted; what I thought our family would look like; what I desired and what I feared.  In listening to this song (that I placed on the baby playlist in anticipation of the labor) with Charlotte the other morning, it dawned on me that I need to really need to rely on God shepherding me much like what we heard at mass during last weekend’s Gospel and readings.  Just like I have had to be dependent on so many over the last six weeks and as I begin to seek more independence now that I've been discharged from my doctor's care (at one point this past weekend, I said I felt so trapped by not being able to drive where I would like to drive when I want to drive), I need to remember to not be totally self sufficient and to continue to lean on and rely on others, especially on God, by putting my trust in Him and in others through recognizing that I don't need to do it all alone.  What a lesson in humility to accept help from others and to realize where our shortcomings are so we can work on growing in our weaknesses.  I’m thankful for the opportunities to grow that’s for sure!  God knows the areas in which I struggle but loves me anyway.  I hope to continue to grow in surrendering as I can see the past six weeks have been teaching me as I also start to gain back some of my independence/go back to how things were but in a different way.  Let us all truly move beyond our own wants, fears, and desires and more fully embrace what it is that God has in mind for us and grow in the grace to accept whatever that may entail.

Refrain
Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.

1. God is my shepherd, so nothing I shall want,
I rest in the meadows of faithfulness and love,
I walk by the quiet waters of peace.

2. Gently you raise me and heal my weary soul,
you lead me by pathways of righteousness and truth,
my spirit shall sing the music of your Name.

3. Though I should wander the valley of death,
I fear no evil, for you are at my side,
your rod and your staff, my comfort and my hope.

4. You have set me a banquet of love in the face of hatred,
crowning me with love beyond my pow'r to hold.

5. Surely your kindness and mercy follow me all the days of my life;
I will dwell in the house of my God forevermore.

Moments

During one of Charlotte's feedings the other day, she and I watched a quick video of Kelly Clarkson singing a medley of some of her biggest hits that aired during the American Idol finale.  Okay, Charlotte was more concerned with eating while I did the listening and watching.  I don't know what was more impressive:  that Kelly was able to sing through all those portions of the songs without missing a beat or that she did it in heels while being so very pregnant.  She is due any day now with her second child (a boy).  I don't even wear heels when not pregnant let alone you couldn't have paid me enough to wear the one pair I own this past January and February as we approached Charlotte's birthday in early March.

Anyhow, Kelly brought it home at the end with reprising her original big hit from her early American Idol days 15 seasons ago by singing the chorus of "A Moment Like This".  Hearing the familiar words as I cradled Charlotte in my arms really moved me as it reminded me of how important all these little moments are and of how much I yearned for this when I was single.  This is especially important for me to remember when I'm just wanting to sleep for another minute in the middle of the night as Charlotte's cries awaken me (or Adam who then wakes me) or when another day of tending to her needs 24/7 goes by without a thought being spent on research or yet another chore is left unfinished.  When I think of all that has happened in the last few years (and SO much has happened...!), there are so many defining moments that jump out at me and even ones that appear to be average but they still hold special meaning.  I know, for me, I will never forget that moment when the last push happened, out came the baby, and looking up at Adam to find out whether it was a boy or a girl).  Also, last night, for example, another fun moment was when Adam called me out from where I was washing the bottles at the kitchen sink to the living room where he and Charlotte were playing with the mirror that hangs on our living room wall.  I thought for a fleeting moment that I should run and get my phone so I can try to capture this moment in a picture.  Charlotte was beaming a huge smile up at her Dad in the mirror and I thought to myself, "What a cute moment that would have been to get a picture of" but instead opted to hop into the background and try to capture Charlotte's attention in the mirror as her Dad was doing. I don't have the picture to document it but it was fun being in the moment itself.  I am trying to embrace this mentality of being in the moments, and moments like these, rather than rushing through them, missing them altogether, or always being behind the camera as they happen.  However, I also will want to remember to try to get pictures of Charlotte and me together too.

Speaking of being together, the other day I wrote that I didn't feel God's presence in a moment of frustration and profound despair.  Maybe it's because I'm now on day 3 of not having cried (the tears sprang to my eyes on multiple occassions however they didn't fall) or maybe it's because today is National Only Child Day (that follows on the heels of National Siblings Day that made me sad once again for Charlotte's lack of siblings)

or maybe it's due to the brilliant sunshine that is pouring in through our windows today but I'm feeling less alone today.  I also realize that God is showing Himself in the people He puts on our paths, through the thoughtful meals local moms and friends are delivering to the house as they provide for our dinners, in the cards and texts from friends who are "checking in" to see how we're (I'm) doing, through the friends who stop by on the way home from work or squeeze in a quick visit when in town, to the quiet moments spent with one another, as a family, of just "being" with each other.  It seems on the days when I especially feel as if I can't move forward and am stuck in the grieving cycle, unsure of what tomorrow will bring, I am able to trust that He is still with me.  I read something similar to this in the daily reflections I'm reading from Easter until Pentecost.  These lines really spoke to my heart:

God is still with us even in the messiest parts of our lives.  The real question is, "How do we find him?"  The readings from Acts 3:1-10 offer two hopeful suggestions:  share your burdens and look for him in the people around you. There is something about opening ourselves to other people that makes us more open to the Lord's presence and his comfort.  It's okay to feel helpless and crumpled up...just don't forget to look up every now and then to see if God is sending someone to you to help.  You never know who the Lord will use!  The Church is called the body of Christ for a reason-you are surrounded by brothers and sisters eager to help.  In fact, that's where you're most likely to find God's presence and comfort-in the people around you. 

Yes, we truly can't do it alone and need to reach out for help.  There is nothing wrong with leaning on others in your time of need.  Sometimes, it's a matter of behaving or believing yourself into something else or "faking it 'til you make it" but I do strongly believe that God will provide whether it's through allowing you extra time to heal, putting others into your lives to help you overcome challenges, or a variety of other ways.

Yesterday, Charlotte turned five weeks old and it was a huge eye opener for me that had I only had six weeks of maternity leave that this would mark my final week of being off from work to be home with her.  This would have been the case had we not had the double surgeries the night of Charlotte's birthday.  Considering I'm still not allowed to drive at the moment and still so sore in the incision areas, I'm so so so thankful that I have more time as both physically and mentally I'm not ready to get back into the grind and hustle and bustle of my school schedule (particularly Marathon Mondays) and had a bit of a small panic attack the other night when my mind strayed and thought of those days in the future during a late night feeding.  I know I shouldn't worry and be anxious, I miss teaching and my colleagues/students tremendously, and without a doubt I know God will provide and that our family will want for nothing but the thought of having to leave Charlotte, even for only three days out of the week, makes my heart physically hurt right now.  Childcare-wise, I know she will be in excellent hands with someone who will love her and treat her as her own and that I will have all Tuesdays and Thursdays and of course the weekends with her in addition to the neverending homework/research that will be lurking in the background, but the stingy and greedy part of me wants to keep little Charlotte all to Adam and me.  I don't want to miss milestones or daily new occurrences that will happen in my absence.  I want Adam and me to be able to continue being the ones who meet her needs and to be able to, as her mother, to shower all my love and affection on her nonstop.

However, we're not in a position where childcare won't be needed so I am so thankful that I have the type of work schedule that allows me to only work outside the home three days of the week rather than all five of the work days and I work for a school that really does value the vocation of family.  Thinking about this vocation of family and the priority it has over my previous roles, next semester, I hope to do a better job at respecting boundaries in that I will keep my schoolwork at school and not bring it all home with me each night and every weekend when I do return to work.  I have a feeling this will be one of my biggest challenges but we shall see how that goes as it's no secret that I have struggled with working around the clock in the past.  I pray that I will be abe to do a better job of appreciating and living in the moments for they will be fleeting.  The days are long but the years are short and I don't want to be standing here one day looking back and wishing I had spent less time working and more time being in the moment with Charlotte.  Motherhood comes first and foremost and hopefully by setting up my work schedule around the vocation of motherhood, I can find that balance in a graceful manner.  Even though I have worked so many jobs, from childhood until the present, and worn many different hats (e.g., camp counselor, department store associate, Subway sandwich artist, babysitter, day care staff, newspaper carrier, teacher) and most recently put a lot of time and work into my current role as professor through earning my doctorate a few years ago, I feel as if everything has led to this role as mother at this moment in time.  The others were jobs while being Charlotte's mom and to an extent, Adam's wife, is my true calling or vocation.  Granted, there were things I learned from the other experiences that overlap with this newest title or responsibility of me but I think that this one will be the most important in terms of truly fulfilling my life as a woman.  I can only speak for myself so please hear me loud and clear that I'm not saying all women must become mothers in order to fulfil their callings or roles as women but that for us, and my family, I feel that this is the best way I can do that.  I was made to do this biologically speaking and one of my purposes is to serve through family.  Charlotte and my marriage to Adam are the legacy I will leave behind in addition to the other students, of all ages, I have taught elsewhere both in the past and present. 

For now, I am very appreciative of the fact that I can focus all my time and attention on trying to find some sort of a routine, tending to Charlotte's needs as best as we can, and working with Adam to find our new "normal" with my not having to focus on my work/research so much at the moment.  It also helps tremendously that I have the summer to continue to find and work on that balance.  Hopefully through this extended time, it will make us that much more ready for the fall when I do return to work 100%.  For now, I'm going to relish in the moments like this....like feeling Charlotte's little puffs of air on my neck when I cradle her in an upright position that she loves so much and hearing her coos and sighs as she drifts off to dreamland after cuddling and snuggling in my arms and watching her as she stares up at her tree and animals on her bedroom wall.  Yes, these are the moments that I can't believe are happening to us three!  Thank you God for these moments!

Charlotte Ann is 1 month old!

How has one month gone by so quickly....?!  In some ways, it feels like I blinked and a month went by, and in other ways, it feels as if a lot of time has occurred since we came home from the hospital.  I guess this is that time-warp sensation some moms warned me about in that on the one hand, this month went by slowly but it also feels as if it went way too fast for us to already have a 1 month old.

This was taken the morning of the last day in the hospital (we didn't know it yet though!).

It is hard to believe after all that waiting that our newborn is finally here with us!  Is Charlotte still considered a newborn now that she’s 1 month old? I suppose she is...she is still wearing some of the newborn clothing but also fits in 0-3 clothing depending on the brand.  She had newborn photos taken when she was ten days old at our home.  It just happened to fall on St. Patrick's Day which was even better.  I can't wait to see the other photos (we should be getting the CD some time next week) but here are some of the "sneak peeks" from the photographer.  Checkout Snapshots by Shannon in Weirton, WV on Facebook if you need a photographer in the WV/OH/PA area.  

My thoughts have been all over the place over this past month as we embarked on this journey called parenthood.  I can't really write from Adam's perspective as father but I'll share what I've learned as mother.  First off, we read an article the other week that mentioned "the days are long but the years are short".  If this first month is any indication of that I can see why that expression has come to be.  There were some days that were just soooo long and I felt like all I did was nurse, pump, try to soothe Charlotte's cries, and then go back to feeding again.  Now that we're using formula, I feel as if I have more time to meet Charlotte's needs in the moment and to not to have to make her wait (as she did when I was pumping) and I relish that time when feeding her (okay, maybe I relish it more so during the waking hours than in the middle of the night most times but I know that I will come to miss those times too years from now).

This past month, I learned (with a quickness) to do things with one hand, or with my non-dominant hand due to carrying Charlotte a lot.  I'm unable to carry the car seat, push a stroller, drive, carry the laundry up and down the stairs, nor wear Charlotte in a carrier yet due to the surgeries so I've been doing a lot of holding/carrying her leaving me one-handed a lot.  Fortunately, with having family visit often over this past month, having the extra sets of hands/arms was helpful as others held Charlotte and I was free to do the dishes, put away laundry, get something to eat myself, or anything else that might need done.

Laundry is always needing to be done...but that doesn't mean I am keeping up with it.  We currently have a full grown up hamper of dirty clothes that need laundered and two of the three tri-fold kiddo hamper is needing washed.  Ah...maybe this weekend I will attempt to get the clothes done.  Again, due to the limited steps and lack of being able to carry the laundry baskets up and down the stairs, I'm not able to keep up with the laundry as much as I would like.  When my Mom was here to help, that was a HUGE help (among many other things she was able to help us with) in that she was doing laundry pretty much around the clock.  Something else that is always needing done is to wash the bottles/nipples.  My hands have been getting dry from all the handwashing but if it means our little girl is getting the nutrition she needs then so be it!

Having a baby is a lot more fun than people tell you in my humble opinion. So many of my evenings consist of Adam and me now sitting on the couch/bed/wherever just looking at little Charlotte and talking about her and/or the pups.  It's hard to remember a time when she wasn't here!?

As someone who generally avoids doctors and medicine like the plague, I actually look forward to going to the pediatrician now. Charlotte has gained some weight in the last week or so and I'm curious to hear what the doctor will say.  Her next pediatrician visit (when she will get a shot...boohoo!) is coming up in less than two weeks where I look forward to their checking on her weight and to getting an update on her progress. 

I hear Charlotte crying even when it is silent.  I can't tell you the number of times I've said to Adam, "Did you hear her?" or "Is she crying??" when it's quiet.  It's funny how quickly, as a parent, you tune in to hear or not hear your crying child. 

In general, Charlotte has been a pretty laid back baby.  She is currently getting up to eat about two or three times a night.  The only time she tends to be fussy is when we use certain bottles or don't get to the food fast enough if she happened to sleep through a feeding.  She takes long naps and is generally pretty easy going when awake.  She has truly been a delight over the last four weeks!

 
She has a knack for peeing or pooping her brand new clean diaper right after I change her.  So much so that Adam prefers to feed her then change her especially giving her tendency to poop while eating.  Ha!  This little girl has more clothes than her Dad and I have combined.  Okay, that might be a stretch but yes, this little girl has quite the wardrobe thanks to the generous gifts and all those who have shown us love through their packages they've mailed us!

She loves looking at the ceiling or anything that is above her (e.g., mobile on the swing, her animals that hang above her on her activity mat, up at Daddy or me as we hold her, read to her (she loves when Daddy reads!), and sing to her (Open, Shut Them), the lights on the ceiling).  At first, she wasn't sure what to think about bath time but she seems to like it more and more these days.  Maybe some day she will love bubble baths as much as her Mama...ah, I can't wait to be able to take a bubble bath again!!  She has been to my work twice.  The second time we were there, one of my colleagues brought her class to the office for an impromptu visit.  Her class of about 15-18 students contained some of my former and current students.  It was so wonderful seeing their smiling faces as they oohhed and awwed over little Charlotte.  She has also enjoyed going to Moms and Tots group at our church with me once a week.  I've taken her twice and I look forward to seeing her interact with the other children as she gets older. 

Her coming home outfit!

Morning time snuggles with Mommy

Charlotte enjoys music as much as her parents!

Posing with some of her flowers!

I could stare at this little face for hours...

Fun collage Uncle Patrick made of her first outing to Mommy's work.

Getting ready to go home from the hospital!!!

First night of her life (while Mommy was in surgery)

Uncle Mark cuddling his niece!

Easter Vigil Mass 2016

On the way home from the doctor's appointment and feeling pretty good!

Not so sure about this "photo shoot" with Grandma and Mom...

Be still my heart!

This month has been full of lots of snuggles and cuddles.

 

Tummy time has been an area of improvement in recent weeks too.  Charlotte does a terrific job of lifting her head and holding it up to see what is around her!

Aunt Alisha and Uncle Brian came to visit for Easter (with their four kids).

Charlotte is reaching out and grabbing on to our fingers more, especially during feeding times, and boy does she have a grip!!

Her eyes are getting lighter but are still blue!

Hanging with Daddy on Easter Sunday during her first road trip outing (45 minute drive to Aunt Marie and Uncle Bill's house).

Mommy is always setting Charlotte up for photo shoots it seems.....   ; )

 

Charlotte Ann is growing more and more alert with each day in maintaining eye gaze and taking in her surroundings.

Completly relaxed in spite of the frozen fingers in mid-air!

She loves her furry brothers!

Snuggle Buddies

She sometimes sleeps with her eyes open like in this picture.

Thanks again to each of you for all of your sweet support over Charlotte.  It means a lot to me, and I’m still shocked that we have a baby. I prayed so hard for her and I know many of you did as well. I know I say this a lot, but thank you for the love you've shown us and will continue to show us!

I'm biased...but yes, she's beautiful in every way!  xoxo