Charlotte Ann has taught me so much in the seven months (+ 9 months) she has been with us. Her natural sense of wonder and curiosity in everything around her helps me to stay in the present and to focus on the positives. She finds joy in the simplest things and seeing her smile and hearing her laugh brings joy to my heart. Her very presence has made such a tremendous impact on Adam's and my life and has been a constant source of happiness/excitement even as I yearn for what we can't have. As thrilled and grateful I am for her, a huge part of me is still in mourning over all that was lost on the night of her birthday and I don't know how to deal with it. However, I will keep trying as best as I can. As we heard during the homily tonight: Be persistent. It brings peace and everything works as a result. Be persistent in scripture reading. Be persistent in prayer. Be persistent in love of God. We also heard read to us from 2 Timothy 3:14 - 4:2:
Proclaim the word; be persistent whether it is convenient or inconvenient; convince, reprimand, encourage through all patience and teaching.
How fitting to hear these words during a mass that was dedicated to our intentions!! I think this is a great piece of scripture to base our family philosophy on.....keep believing in the truth even when it gets messy. Be patient and all things will work for the good of the Lord even if the dark outweighs the light at the moment. These words made me think of struggles I've been experiencing in not wanting to pray...in subconsciously filling up all my time so that when I do pray, I fall asleep in the midst of it and in being angry with God....in perhaps clinging on to the sadness and despair over the newly experienced infertility amidst the new life that seems to surround us. I often wonder why God would lead us to this particular town to start our family amidst so many large families. All around us are thriving young families and at times, I feel as if I'm rotting away or dying on the inside as if I were a stagnant wilting weed against blossoming flourishing blooms in a garden. I didn't realize the extent of my despair until Adam questioned aloud whether or not he made the wrong decision in saying yes to the hysterectomy a couple weeks ago. Never in a million years would I blame Adam for the outcome but rather instead was angry with God. Hearing Adam, who is usually a cheerful jovial support, express doubt or worry helped snapped me back to reality. I know that it was a life or death situation due to all the blood loss and continued bleeding at that point and no other alternative could be considered. I recognize the gravity of the situation and that this was the only "choice" we had. My head gets it but the heart is still working on it....
The days come and go. Some items get crossed off the to-do list and others get tacked on to the bottom of it. Through it all though little Charlotte adds brilliant rays and bursts of sunshine to each day and fills the coldness with her giggly warmth and sometimes drooly smiles. However, the other night after a long day at work and upon learning a colleague is expecting and due one day before Adam's and my wedding anniversary next year, I cried the whole way home. Granted it is only a seven minute drive but it was enough time to let the tears fall and wonder yet again why things have to be the way they are. By the time I got home and saw our sweet angel sound asleep in her crib, I had managed to push the feelings aside and turn my attention back to chores/tasks for the next workday. As long as I keep busy, I find that I am able to get by....but then at times, am too busy to pray let alone try to process all that has happened. So, tonight, at the mass that was offered up for our family (what a thoughtful and sweet "Welcome to the World Charlotte" gift from a family friend) I heard God's message loud and clear through the homily in singularly reminding me of the importance of praying without ceasing. This point was also made during last Thursday night's Women of Grace study I'm participating in at my church. Sometimes, one has to behave the way into believing and keep persisting until it comes without much effort again. Another Godicidence that occurred during this mass was the opening song of the mass was the same as the song I sang during chorus try-outs back in 6th grade: Glory and Praise to Our God by Dan Schutte. Yes, what a good reminder to give glory and praise to our God who alone gives light to our days (like our precious sweet Charlotte) and many are the blessings He bears to those who trust in His ways. I'm trying....oh goodness am I trying. This happened last weekend in NC when one of our pre-wedding mass songs "Though the Mountains May Fall" also by Dan Schutte played as the opening song at the mass we attended at my old church. I also appreciated that the responsorial psalm for last week's mass was the same as our wedding mass. Fr. Vince's homily on woundedness cut straight to my heart last week and continued to impact me tonight as I reflected on tonight's homily as well.
So, here we are midway through October, the month that, in 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. October always was one of my favorite months but it has now taken on a different meaning. So many of my family/friends have miscarried and experienced this incredible pain or wound firsthand. Thinking of and praying for all my family/friends and those I don't know who are parents of angels here with us and those in Heaven in a special way during this month devoted to infertility awareness while also thinking of others who are experiencing secondary infertility as Adam and I are. Big hugs to you all. <3
