Outside In

We watched “Inside Out” last night.  I had previously seen this movie with a friend in the month before Charlotte was born and remember being moved to tears as I wondered what sort of memories our unborn child would have.  I remember, when watching the movie the first time, focusing on the fact that the main character, Riley, was an only child and wondering if that was lonely for her.  However, the movie reminded me of the importance of all our emotions (the happy, the sad, the lonely, the angry, the excitement, the fear, all of the feels!!) and how they all intertwine to create our lived experiences.  One could even say you appreciate one feeling in part because of the opposite feeling and for me, lately, I've been feeling as if I have to behave my way from the outside in meaning I need to actively work to change what I'm feeling on the inside to behave my way back into the light and joy.  Going back to "Inside Out" I was so moved by the movie that I promptly put it on the baby registry even though it would be years before our child would watch and understand it.  I was so grateful when my mother-in-law bought the DVD for Charlotte this past summer!  This time around though, when watching the film with Adam last night, rather than thinking of how lonely Riley was, I couldn’t help but focus on how close Riley and her parents were throughout the movie, even when she was experiencing difficult emotions.  It made me have hope for our relationship as a close-knit family and one that I hope will always stick together through thick and thin and also for Charlotte’s ability to someday make close friends who could hopefully fill in the sibling role of sorts when she is older.  I have a feeling this movie will be one I will watch over and over again and I’m so glad Marita introduced us to it last year!  

These feelings of hope carried over to mass this morning when Deacon Stephen talked about Jesus being there in the cracks.  I was reminded that He is there in the mess.  He is there in our relationships.  He is there during the hard times.  He is there when life is sunny and bright.  He is there during the in between times and perhaps, most of all, He is there when you feel most alone.  He is there when the tears fall slipping into the cracks.  With the holiday season upon us, I’ve been struggling to hang on to the joy in spite of consciously trying to seek the positive in each day.  Lately, I have been swallowed up in the memories and keep thinking of what it was like to be pregnant at last year’s work Christmas party….the anxiety I faced over flying at 30 weeks of pregnancy…the excitement of my Mom coming to the first baby doctor appointment with me on New Year’s Eve and hearing the heartbeat of the baby for the first time.  I still have that video saved on my phone and listen to Charlotte’s heart beating from within me from time to time.   

I see the maternity coat hanging on the coat rack each time I don one of my other winter coats and scarf.  I am still wearing some of my maternity clothes since my regular clothes still don’t quite fit.  Each time I see a currently pregnant woman, I am filled with simultaneous joy and sadness; joy for the friend who is growing a new life within her and overwhelming sadness over not being able to again carry another precious little life.  Then I actively work to remind myself that we did get to do that once which is more than what others are able to do and I try to redirect my sorrow into gratitude and also an attitude of prayer for those who struggle to conceive with no answers to their questions.

A teeny tiny three month old baby boy was in front of us in church this morning and while I held sweet Charlotte in my arms, who seemed huge at 9.5 months old next to the itty bitty little babe in front of us, I felt torn between gratitude for having our little baby inches away from me and deep sorrow/resentment over where we are now.  Then the guilt settled in over feeling as if I shouldn’t feel sad since we do have little Charlotte..it’s a vicious cycle that I’m usually able to keep at bay by drowning myself in work and social commitments but as the semester winds down and the holidays inch closer, I find that it’s not as easy to fill my mind up with the to-do lists and grading and other schoolwork.  I am finding that I do need to pray more and face these feelings which is hard.  Super duper hard.  Last night’s Advent reflection prayer said that God puts you in a place for a reason and I have to be careful to not let my sorrow/resentment turn into anger in spite of yet again, being reminded of the stark reality that we reside in a predominantly Catholic town of huge families, I work at a place where the joke is that the average family size is one of nine kiddos, and I’m in a profession that deals with children.  Work, community, and church are constant reminders of what I had always wanted for my future family and me.  Like in the movie we watched last night, so many of my previous memories and lived experiences have shaped me into who I am today and what I had hoped for as well.  It almost feels as if I need to find a way to channel my hoped for ideas that are not physically possible any more into a different outlet.  Perhaps this will manifest itself in my work as I take on teaching a fifth class next semester and work to put the finishing touches on a chapter for a textbook I am writing and work on my third year review for evaluations and well, I need to stop because thinking of all that needs done work-wise is causing stress levels to rise!  Or maybe this energy of having wanted to be a mom to a huge family of my own will redirect itself and be channeled through helping to coordinate Ministry to Moms or maybe something else that I don’t know about yet.   

I’m just thankful that Jesus is still there in spite of myself as this morning's mass reminded me.  He is squeezing in through the cracks through the busy-ness I throw myself into, through the moments of despair, through the prayers being said by those who are keeping us in their thoughts, and through the darkness I find myself swallowed up in all too often since March 7th.  For as much as I have been thinking back to “last year at this time, we were about to embark on our babymoon” or “last year at this time, I remember having to pee a billion times in a day” or seeing everyone on the West Coast for the first time as a pregnant mama-to-be I also have been thinking forward and thinking of how next year will also be so different from this year and knowing me, I will be sad over all the changes and how big Charlotte is compared to now.  Sigh.  I guess that is part of parenting, to always be carried with the flow and helping to raise your child/children moving forward with each one while also thinking back to memories in the not so distant past.  Actually, this could be applied to life in general!  These are sweet moments but also tinged with some tartness due to wanting to stay in the moment forever and not wanting to leave what you know behind I guess.  I suppose, in a way, that is what I’m doing….I am clinging to what I thought would have been, could have been, should have been in my mind and am scared to face what actually is since this state in life wasn't my plan.  Wow….let me sit with that for a moment.  This is also making me think about a video I viewed yesterday about Catholicism, homeschooling, and being a mom.   

Viewing this video reminded me of the fundamental belief Adam and I subscribed to, from the beginning days of our courtship, of always being open to life as a Catholic and is perhaps one of my biggest struggles right now in that we were/are so open to life but my body literally is not able to be open….so what is fundamentally at my core in terms of viewing marriage and the relationship between a husband and a wife is that I can’t provide that as the wife which further takes me back to what I shared in an earlier posting of feeling so dead and barren inside….but then I physically turn myself toward the light to remind myself that there are other ways of providing life such as through my job, in the community, and through interactions with others.  The very areas that remind me of what I can't physically do are actually areas I need to embrace and work to provide life in other ways through my actions, the way I treat others, and the example I can try to live out in my own way.  This is what I’ve been praying about and mulling over these last couple weeks during Advent and I hope to work that much harder to focus on the positive and actively embrace the cross in this role of being physical mama to one and spiritual mama to many.  The spiritual motherhood had been my main form of mothering through endless babysitting/nannying/teaching/being an aunt opportunities over the years that up until last year I thought were simply to get me ready for the physical mothering once we got pregnant.  Now, I’m viewing these previous experiences in a different light in thinking that the reason there were so many years of the spiritual mothering was to prepare me to continue down that path simultaneously as we raise Charlotte and I must actively embrace this role God has in mind for me instead of lamenting over what was lost.  What a blessing to be entrusted the care of this sweet precious daughter while also being in a position to help others through my vocation and state in life. 

Yes, Advent is a season of joyful hope and waiting similar to how Adam and I felt last year at this time as we enjoyed a babymoon and shared in our West Coast family’s excitement over the new baby to come….this year will be joyful and full of hope in a different way in that Charlotte will get to meet the rest of her family in person in a few short days.  We depart for California in less than 48 hours!!  While I will miss the family here on the East Coast this holiday, what a wonderful and joyful trip this will be for Charlotte to meet more of her family!  What a gift to have this time together with everyone!!

Praising God for this sweet little girl who brings me peace.  I pray that I can be the mother she needs and that we can model our family after the Holy Family.  <3