Inspiring words...even from one year ago!

In prepping for a new week at work, I watched this announcement video I had created last fall for my online course.  I'm recycling this video and using it again since it is still relevant one year later.

However, what I said from the 1 minute 15 second mark to the end took on a whole new meaning given what I reflected on last night as I build from the previous post here.

I'm feeling extra thankful for the hidden mistakes or perceived "mess ups" and for the chance to allow God to work through the mess and unexpected tonight.  In the words of one of my favorite saints:  Padre Pio, "Pray, Hope, & Don't Worry" (today is his feast day)!!

Fall Blooms

My favorite season starts in a couple hours. For as long as I can remember, fall was always my favorite season. The cool air, the Friday night football games, the leaves exploding with vibrant hues of reds, oranges, and golds, and scents of apples, pumpkins, and spice flavored everything fill me up with joy. It is only fitting Adam and I met during one of my favorite months and that we shared our news that we were expecting at 20 weeks along two short years later in October 2015.

With the arrival of autumn, change is on the horizon which matches my mood lately. I am ready for a change. Lately, I have felt as if I were stuck in a rut spiritually and emotionally. When I look back at who I used to be and compare this to who I have become over the last 2.5 years, I mourn the woman I used to be. I want to be filled with optimism and hope for the future rather than sharing the space of gratitude and happiness with the ever present despair and longing that accompanied the other long lasting effects of the unexpected hysterectomy that was performed on Charlotte's birthday. The other day, I realized that Charlotte will never know me as I was prior to her arrival. For as long as she will remember, she will know a mom who had an air of wistful sadness about her mixed in with the unspeakable joy that comes with being her mom.  Yes, I can actively strive to focus on the positive and be grateful but the unshakeable sadness will always be a part of me...but will hopefully lessen over time!

Next month, Adam and I will celebrate five years of knowing each other.  Over the past five years, I got my PhD, we got married, I moved three times, we moved Adam cross country, got a puppy, bought a house, had our first and last child; all while teaching, researching, and serving in a new community...whew!

When I lost my fertility, I felt like my world had caved in and unsure of my footing on the slippery slope. I have always been someone who has had a plan even from a young age...a plan ensured knowing what I wanted and how to achieve it. My plan could change along the way, but as with the changing seasons, I could adjust to new scenery and eventually still reach my goal. However, with this life change that is so absolute--so final--so just....done...so many other things crumbled and withered away with it. Gone with the wind were our dreams of having a brood of siblings for Charlotte. Crunching underfoot were our desires to experience pregnancy for a second, third, and as many as possible other times. Fading to a dull brown were the other names we had thought of for future children.

Yes, with this sudden and drastic change in plans, it was different for me.  Oftentimes, I feel like a shell of myself with new life blooming and blossoming all around me but I was dying inside unable to grow or bloom where I was planted much like what happens in the fall when vegetation dies and colors fade. I struggle with knowing what choices are best when I used to be so sure and confident. Life can be so busy and it all can be so very overwhelming especially when paralyzed or stuck in sorrow and pain. Over the last 2.5 years, I have learned to live with the barren essence that is my reality now.  I am finding a new path; one without the large family Adam and I dreamed for ourselves but on a different path that is wide enough for our family of three (and pups) to put one foot in front of the other as we walk amidst the joy and sorrow. You know what though? The sun still shines through the canopy of leaves on this path and lights the way amidst the shadows.

I am learning to be a mommy to Charlotte Annie as we go but each day fall into the trap of wondering, "What if?", regarding other children who did not come to be...especially when others who were pregnant at the same time or after me announce pregnancies or give birth to siblings for their kiddos. I wonder about the little souls Adam and I could have met had we been able to birth other children. My mom mentioned once her own sadness about the grandchildren she didn't get to meet through us. Since she knew I had always wanted tons of children, she too had looked forward to the day we would have a house full of little ones. I hadn't considered what the pain I wish I didn't know might feel like for others in our families until she said that. Life can be so cruel and heartbreaking sometimes. Yet, we have been given new chances to embrace that which we might not otherwise choose for ourselves by the grace of God. 30 months have come and gone of trying to get unstuck and out of this rut. I am sick of this view and ready to get on with it. Mind over matter right?

I am still in the woods somewhere...these days, the path is being navigated by a busy and curious Charlotte Annie as I try to grow into being a more happy mom, wife, teacher, daughter, sister, advisor, and friend. Society, thanks to social media and pinterest, can make it difficult to show our true selves and easy to hide behind a facade but through writing and prayer, I am learning how to share about our loss when I, not unlike many others I would bet, would rather shy away from grief and tragedy. Thankfully, by the grace of God and with support of loved ones, I have learned to get up and keep going every day. Many days managing this secondary infertility has been so very overwhelming and incredibly lonely. I have had to live moment by moment instead of hour by hour or day by day for much of the last 2.5 years but I am still here.  That has to mean something. There must be a purpose to all of this...for our family...my work...maybe for the community somehow?

The dark hours and days still come and I am learning to manage my anger and other emotions with all this as best I can. I know there are far bigger problems out there and I am so beyond grateful for the gift of our honeymoon baby and the life I do have. There is always some sort of growth or life to be found..even if just a tiny wildflower amidst some weeds along the path in the dark woods. My goal to help get out of this rut, is to keep trying to grow and finding something to be grateful for even if it’s simply that I kept us all alive today because that IS an accomplishment and something to treasure. The endless chores around the house, grading, trying to catch up on research, meeting the needs of the task forces, committees, and community help to keep my mind occupied. And just maybe... Maybe... to forgive myself as there was nothing I could have done differently during pregnancy or delivery to give Charlotte a different kind of life she will grow up having family-wise. I sure didn't see this one coming and I pray she will understand someday.

I share all this to not wallow...to not throw a pity party...to instead say; if you are struggling, I have been there. If you are hurting, I feel you. I am with you. Take time to go through the emotions. Find your support system or way of venting. Then get up and keep going. If you can’t, it’s okay to not be okay. I have been not okay for a while but each day keep trying... which hopefully makes a difference. Give yourself permission to say “no,” (another area in which I struggle!) let go, feel, forgive, and be happy again. Please don’t give up because God will provide!! Big hugs and love to all of those who have supported me through this journey, especially my husband. 💕

Autumn is a beautiful reminder to let go...watch those glorious fall colors emerge on the trees this season and with each falling leaf let a fear or a worry be released as God tends to us, His garden. I am going to continue to pour all of my heart and soul into our beautiful little blooming Charlotte. As much as I want to protect and encase her like a single rose under a glass, or as much as I wish she could be one precious flower in a garden of many fragrant flowers grown by Adam and me, I have to let her grow and bloom in her own right. Wow! If this is how I feel over our daughter, I can only imagine how God must feel about us - His sons and daughters. Let us all think of how we can grow and evolve in the upcoming season....bring on the fall and change in spite of plans!

Charlotte Ann is 2.5!!

Charlotte Annie turned 2.5 years old today!!

She literally rolled her eyes when I asked her for a picture to celebrate her being 2.5 years old today!  

She makes quite the entrance like she did when she greeted me on campus the other night.  On Wednesdays this semester, Adam has a class that starts at 4:30pm while my last class ends at 4:15pm.  Since we don't have childcare for that small gap in time, he brings her to campus where he transfers her to me as my class wraps up for the evening.  This past week, she literally hopped into the classroom proclaiming, "Charlotte jumping!  Charlotte jumping!  Charlotte jumping!" much to the smiles and amusement of the college students getting released from my class.  She loves to perform and sing but, at times, does grow shy if others beside her Mom and Dad are watching her.  She also likes to tell us about every move she makes such as, "Whoa!!" or "Charlotte falling!" if she feels as if she's going to lose her balance.

Her favorite things right now are Daddy's cell phone so she can look at pictures from this past summer, a TV show about a girl and her horse called, "Spirit", and playing with her friends.  She regularly asks for her cousins, the children from the babysitter's home, and her friend, Robbie.  

She still loves taking car rides and goes nearly everywhere with me.  Recently, we have been enjoying excursions to Pittsburgh together as we deliver donated milk to Baby Toby who was adopted by some friends.  She often calls her baby dolls, "Baby Toby" and proclaims that she needs to go get his milk and bring it to him.  Even with being able to spin, jump, walk, and run, she continues to enjoy crawling into small spaces and hiding in the kitchen pantry from time to time.  Another favorite hobby of hers is to empty out all the K-cups from the drawer under our Keurig and dump them in the coffee trash can, on the floor, or line them up in a line on the dining room table.  She definitely likes making lines and rows whether it be with magnets on the fridge in our kitchen, the magnets on my filing cabinet at work, or her toy animals lining up along the coffee table or on the couch in the living room.

She also very much enjoys climbing up onto the bathroom sink and turning on the water so she can splash in it.  She is quite the monkey as I caught her sitting on the end table by the front door last night dangling her legs and playing with her dolls from her high perch.

We still do milk cups just before bedtime and sometimes in the morning depending on her mood.  In the last month, we converted the crib to a toddler bed so we often wake to find her lying on the floor next to our bed with her beloved pillow and blanket.  It could be due to her newfound freedom and/or due to her sleeping in the same room with us during all our traveling this past summer!

We have entered the picky food days.  Her favorites are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grapes, bananas sometimes (usually only at the grocery store!), crackers, and string cheese.  She definitely takes after Adam and me due to her sweet tooth!   

What baffles me is that she shows no interest in what I offer her food-wise at home but yet if we're out on a play date, she willingly eats others’ snacks made up of the same food I offered (the other day she happily enjoyed munching on some goldfish and grapes from a friend we had met at the zoo).   I guess she just enjoys others' food more than her own!?

Lately, Charlotte has not been as into books as in the past which is a struggle for me.  She would rather technology over the toys or books at times.  Something she gets great pleasure from, though, is drawing and coloring!  She often asks for her crayons or pencils so she can be creative.  She also loves her Play-doh and will spend a long time shaping and molding the Play-doh.  She also makes it her personal mission to pull out lipstick, white-out, markers, and other hard to get out of the carpet or off walls materials.  She loves getting her hands on these things and then writing or drawing on anything she can with these forbidden items.  She currently is sporting white-out on her forehead, marker on her legs, and a light lipstick stain on her arm even after a bubble bath tonight.  For some reason, she also prefers things to be on the floor and constantly pulls things down or knocks them over to have them land topsy turvy on the floor.  She loves to be tucked in at night and especially likes having the blanket come down over her hands.  Her dolls and babies are some favorite toys and she likes hugging and cuddling them.    

A highlight for Charlotte this past summer was that on our last trip of the summer that took us to Washington, DC, she experienced her first subway ride, her first Taxi ride, her first river boat ride, and her first Uber ride.....all in one day!    

Charlotte is definitely a chatty Cathy and loves to talk.  She especially loves telling people about her shoes and her body parts before launching into a request for happy faces, sad faces, surprised faces!  She continues to be very expressive with her dad and me yet can be quiet and a bit reserved when she is with others depending on her mood.  More often than not she is outgoing though...especially with the college students she sees pretty regularly.  She loves to beckon people to come over to her by saying, "Come", with a tiny cupped hand motioning someone to follow her where she can one by one unload all her toys and say what the name is for each object.  She also blows kisses and is very expressive with her feelings.  All of them.  These days it feels like we are on an emotional roller coaster with the world ending one second and then being happy as the tears are drying on her face....accompanied with her statements of, "Charlotte sad", "I happy!", to "Charlotte crying".   
  
She loves playing in the living room with her toys, watching TV in the St. Francis room, and loves to sing with any toy that becomes a microphone on the spot...even a hanger served this purpose last night when she sang in her crib before bedtime.  She is no longer as gentle with the pups and giggles with delight as she chases them around the living room, dining room, and kitchen.  She likes to try to let them outside even if they aren't leashed which has led to some antics of running after Hershey in the yard before he escapes too far.  Even though she is more active with the pups, she still has her quiet moments, particularly with Dusty Shamrock.  They are so patient with her as she pulls and tugs on their collars to bring them to where she wants them.

She loves to cover Dusty up with a blanket and then peeks in on him to make sure he is still there.

Peanut Butter Lover and Wearer of the brown stuff!

A friend gave us this hand me down dollhouse that we gave to Charlotte today on her half birthday.  She has been enjoying it thus far!

 

One of my favorite things about this stage is the spontaneous utterance of "I love you, Mommy!" that she says every now and then.  She also likes to say, "Love you, Bye!  Have fun!" as we leave places whether it be Lowe's, a restaurant, or even a drive-thru!  She is such a bright spot in our lives and fills us up with laughter and joy which is so needed!

This was from earlier this week when we drove home from the zoo after a fun-filled day with a new friend.  However, when I snapped this picture, she was saying, "Robbie, Robbie!" over and over since I had told her that he had been asking for her.  It's so sweet to see the friendships blossom and grow between Charlotte and her pals.

I hope you always have your fill of sunshine and happiness and grace and strength for the hard days.  We love you oodles and noodles Charlotte Annie!