A dress from three years ago

I just love these two pictures of Charlotte's first Easter photo at 20 days old compared to her fourth Easter today at three years old!! A month after the first Easter photo was taken once I had been cleared for driving again, Mom and I went to a huuuuuuuge consignment sale where we excitedly bought the next four years' worth of Easter dresses for Charlotte Annie. 

Do you see this year's Easter dress (and Charlotte) in the below picture?! :-)

I remember picking out this light purple dress for Charlotte and being soooo excited for her to wear it but feeling as if that time was a long ways off....now in the blink of an eye, she is big enough to wear something that seemed so big next to tiny Charlotte at the time. As I dressed her today, I noticed the small detail of the flower ribbon on the front that also had some light green making her dress a perfect match to the light purple and light green dresses members of our wedding party wore. Her hot pink nails reminded me of our matron of honor's dress and her blue eyes made me recall the bright pops of blue dresses worn by Monika, Mere, and Ash. So, amidst the Easter celebrating today, memories of the happy wedding day filled with bright colorful hues flooded my mind as well.

Charlotte Annie also wore the same headband today as she did during Easter 2016 (that I had to wrap around her head three times for it to stay on her tiny noggin) & continues to fill our hearts with every possible emotion there is to feel....with the dawn comes rejoicing and as the responsorial psalm today reminded us, "This is the Day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!!!" This was to have been our wedding mass responsorial psalm that didn't happen but instead was the responsorial psalm for Charlotte's Baptism mass! ✝️🐣🐇🌷

"Jesus has booboos!"

On Good Friday, we found ourselves in the Steyr region of Austria which is in the upper region of the country.  We had learned that this city served as inspiration for Franz Schubert's music (Trout Quintet) so on a whim, we decided to go visit given Adam's affinity for classical music and us ladies wanting to explore another place in Austria!  The Steyr and Enns Rivers flow through this city and meet near the town square under the Lamberg Castle and St. Michael's Church.

While in this city, we wandered into a beautiful church, Marienkirche, shortly after 3pm on Good Friday.  This church, styled in the Baroque fashion, was overseen by Jesuit priests.  Charlotte saw this depiction of Jesus on the cross and said, "Jesus has booboos!" with concern as she pointed to him.

Seeing this scene through her eyes made me realize all over again the pain Jesus faced on the cross for our sins.  He was the last person who should have suffered for our wrongdoings yet he willingly took the cup given to him and offered up his life for our salvation.  Charlotte's worry and concern for Jesus helped me to switch out of tourist mode and to really slow down and truly think about this during the 3pm hour this past Good Friday.

Then, when we went in the church, I had to blink back tears while praying in one of the side chapels when I saw the image of Mary with the sword piercing her heart.  Our Lady of Sorrows is said to represent the seven sorrows based on the prophecy of Simeon.  As I stared up at the image of Mary holding her son with the sword piercing her, it made me think of how powerful a vocation parenting truly is.  Mary did not ask to be given the pain that was dealt her by saying yes to being a mother yet she bore it with grace.  Reflecting on her fiat and all that unfolded during Jesus' life while in the chapel made me realize that I, too, can strive to bear my sorrows with more humility and grace by continuing to turn to Mary as the ultimate example and model of selfless motherhood. 

I'm thankful for this reminder from Charlotte to not look away from the booboos and to willingly seek to bear them with a quiet strength as Mary did. 

Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us and Jesus is indeed risen!  May the Lord restore all of us and grant healing this Easter!

 

PIC ME (part 2)

There is a wedding reception happening a few feet from me.  Literally, there is a wedding reception with all sorts of celebrating going on outside the windows of our apartment.  Have I mentioned that our wall of windows look out at the church door?  We literally share a wall with the church where we are living this semester.  I grew up two blocks from my church in the mountains of Pennsylvania and currently (in Ohio) live a couple blocks from my family's church - we can even see the church from our living room window.  It's extra beautiful at night time when the lights of the church are on and we can see the cross window from the front altar all aglow in the dark.  I miss our church in Ohio but it has been so lovely living here this semester and experiencing church in this way here.

Back to the wedding that was just celebrated today for a special couple.  Charlotte and I stumbled upon a wedding celebration as we walked home with friends from a playdate at the playground within our community.  Little Leo and Charlotte clapped and danced to the music as Hannah, Sha, and I ooo-ed and awww-ed over the bride's dress and the guests' pretty dresses and traditional Austrian clothing.  I was so glad that the weather was so beautiful for the beaming newlyweds and their guests as the sun was shining and it was comfortable enough outside to not wear a light jacket!

Once home, we could hear the music and guests through our open windows as I prepped dinner and baked peanut butter cookies.  Hearing and seeing the celebratory conversations/picture taking took me back to Adam's and my late spring sunny wedding day.....AND reminded me that I owe you part 2 of the PIC ME post!

So, back to the Dating to Marriage Night talk that I gave on the eve of Valentine's Day with some other moms to the college girls......after hearing two glorious proposal stories and grand gestures of romance and love from the moms who spoke before me, it was my turn.  I explained to the girls that I was going to take a bit of a different approach.  I told the room of college students that even though Adam and I are coming up on four years of marriage and we have a soon to be three year old that I can remember so clearly the days of waiting and praying for my future husband.  I shared that instead of talking about how Adam proposed or specific dating stories, I wanted to share advice I had heard when I was the students' shoes but that I would also tie in bits and pieces of our story and share practical ways of living out that advice because that is something I would have appreciated.  I hope that they liked it and perhaps those of you who are reading this and are waiting for your future spouse!

PIC ME is not what you think it is.  It is not, you as a single person, hopping up and down, arms waving in the air shouting, "Over here, over here, pick me!" to a potential significant other.  Instead, shift the focus to God and aim for Him to pick you.  Yet He already has!  He already knows us better than we know ourselves and still loves us flaws and all.  In a way, He is saying to us, "Pick me!" but we often are looking elsewhere or looking to fill the void in other ways rather than seeking Him.  This leads me to the "P".

Pray for your future spouse.  Right here right now.  Pray for the wellbeing of this person.  Even if you are unable to visualize who that person is.  Right now, in praying for this person, you're praying for the interior of the person rather than being caught up in the exterior or the outward appearance.  Pray this person is able to grow as he or she is meant to grow...pray for graces and fortitude to get through whatever the person is going through right now and for him or her to feel peace.  I remember a time when I had said to my friend, Lisa, "If I get married..." and she said, "Stop that right now!"  I remember pausing, startled, at the force with which she said it.  She said, "Each time you say if...you're denying your future husband.  You're doubting he exists and doubting God's plan.  Start saying, 'When you get married...' and start believing in H/him".  So from that point on, I started saying, "When my future husband" or "When I get married" any time the subject came up in conversation.  If this is a desire the Lord has placed on your heart, I believe He will deliver on it.  Along with praying for your future spouse, I share this three part prayer that also came to me from my friend, Lisa:

Now, when I learned it, it had spouse in there.  However, this is the twist I made on it so that I could hang it in my office at work.  ;)

The way I learned the prayer was:

1.)  Draw me closer to my future spouse.
2.)  Repel from me anyone who is not that person.
3.)  Give me eyes to recognize him.

What imagery this prayer evokes even now years after I first heard of it.  Think of how long and often we might tend to stay in dead-end relationships or keep hanging on for a crush in the hopes the person will have a change of heart when it is obvious the person is just "not that into you".  Yet sometimes it is easier to be with someone for the sake of being with someone because we might not want to face the alternative of being alone.  It is hard to turn down a date or decide to be alone because we are made for community and might prefer socializing with others even if we know that we are not into someone or that the relationship is not headed for marriage.  Yet we're greater than this.  We should not waste others' time and they should not waste ours.  Allow the Lord to draw you closer to your future spouse rather than constantly scanning the crowd and wondering if it is this person or that person.  He will draw you to that person.  He will also repel anyone who is not the person for you.  Repel!  That is such a strong word.  I think of bugs flicking off a windshield when I hear that word.  Imagine God has put a protective bubble around you.  He is repelling anyone not worthy of your time and affection and is instead guiding you along the path.  He is working on your heart and your spouse's heart as you both grow.  The third part of the prayer is to ask God to give you eyes to recognize that person when you are in contact with that person.  Sometimes we build up the person in our minds or have a preconceived set of ideas or notion as to what or the person will look like or how he or she will be.  We become so fixated on what we think we want or need that when God brings the person to us, we have blinders on and don't realize the person is there in our midst.  I remember when praying this prayer, wondering if steady friends who were there and were good people might be the individuals God had made for me but I had to keep the faith and trust in the last part of the prayer that sometimes I would forget to pray...for fear that once my eyes were opened that the person would be completely unexpected....well, he was!  I certainly would not have planned on falling in love with someone three time zones away from me.  I'm sure Adam could say the same...he probably was not seeking out a student who had gone back to school after being in the workforce for eight years!  It just goes to show you that you never know what God has in store for you and I'm so thankful that we both kept our eyes open to recognize one another when our paths eventually crossed in October 2013.

The "I" stands for intention.  Be intentional in your dating habits. Don't waste time.  Be authentic and be real with your desires.  Is this relationship something you see lasting long term?  Is this person someone with whom you can build a future?  Jason & Crystalina Evert do a nice job of describing what this intentionality looks like in their book:

This was one of the first books Adam and I read while we were long distance dating.  We would take turns reading and we both really enjoyed the fact that Jason and Crystalina were saying to not date for the sake of dating and to be more intentional with well, your intentions!  However, this book was not the first one I read with Adam. 

After talking for a couple weeks, I took a leap of faith in the early days and ordered for Adam this book through Amazon to be delivered as a surprise.  However, the surprise was on me.  Just before this book arrived on his doorstep, he asked me if we could take some time each week to not talk.  I thought to myself, oh no, here it comes...the I enjoy talking to you but let's take a break speech....but no, instead it was this request:  "Can we read something other than articles together?  Can we read the Bible?"  What?!! 

Ok, so we were on the same wavelength in wanting to continue talking and to read some more together.  However, his book request totally trumped mine that I had sent him as a surprise and arrived a couple days after that surprise conversation.

However, we both highly recommend all couples read this book!!  It gets right to the point and holds nothing back which was refreshing to read and to see that there was a book that had down in black and white some of what we had been discussing or had not vocalized to one another yet.  Adam and I knew pretty early on that we wanted to be intentional with one another especially after the infamous possibilities vs. impossibilities conversation that changed the direction of our relationship courtship. 

Oh, get this, last year, Fr. Morrow, the author of this book, was at my school.  I was at work and who comes walking down the hall but Fr. Morrow?!  I may or may not have gone all fangirl on him.  ;)

So there you have it...the first two letters of the PIC ME acronym when it comes to advice that I shared during the Dating to Marriage event.  Any guesses as to what "C" stood for in my talk?

Amazing Impact of One

It's been three years since I lost the organ that allowed Charlotte Annie to enter our lives.  My uterus that is supposed to be for creating life literally was trying to take my life the night Charlotte was starting hers.  The only thing left to do after having uncontrollable heavy unexplained bleeding for five hours straight after Charlotte's birth was to remove it. 

In the last couple years since that happened, I've felt physically and figuratively numb over how everything unfolded on that day.  There are parts of my lower stomach that are numb near the incision and there have been days or times of the day that I try to just zone out and ignore the emotional pain.  I'm participating in a book study with the ladies in my community this semester that has been all about vulnerability and not numbing yourself to these feelings.  Reading the pages of Daring Greatly has opened my eyes to ways I didn't realize I may have been numbing or avoiding feelings.  Now the question is...what to do with this knowledge??

I think one of the keys is to behave your way out of it.  Efforts to rise above despair and to lift up your head from the sadness require physical concrete steps and actions.  So, one way I've been able to combat this is to focus on what my body can do rather than what it can no longer do! 

I have the ability to see our blond haired full of sass blue eyed girl.  I can see the crayon marks on the wall.  I see the way she gets shy when around large groups of children her age but how she revels the attention of her "college friends".  I see when she tries to sneak another french fry from Mommy or Daddy's plate!

Once the hearing aids are in, they help me to hear her sweet little voice when she excitedly proclaims, "It's morning!" as the sun peeks in through the curtains.  I can hear her rendition of, "Mommy Finger, Mommy Finger, where are you?" and can respond with, "Here I am!  Here I am!  How do you do?"  Through my voice, I can read her Barnyard Dance! for the third time today.  She can hear me say over and over how much Daddy and I love her and she's a gift from God to us.

I'm thankful for my arms that scooped up this little girl as we climbed "a really big hill" the other day for an impromptu Mommy and Me photo session.  I'm glad I can squeeze her and tickle her and carry her when her little legs are too tired to walk anymore.  I'm thankful for legs that let me push the stroller to the grocery store yesterday as she and I picked up some items to prepare meals for some hurting families this weekend.  I'm thankful for our community and faith to help keep others afloat and lift them up during hard times such as pregnancy loss and surgeries. 

I'm thankful to still be here and to try my best to keep up with that energetic three year old bundle of motion everyday.

I'm thankful for my efforts to try to communicate to God that even though I'm bitter, sad, angry, confused, inconsolable over not being able to bear more children most days, that I'm actively trying my best here to move out of that and into a better place of acceptance, resolve, mindfulness, acceptance, and even joy over this individualized fashioned cross made just for little old me to carry.  No one else can carry it but I and I should work to do this more gracefully rather than lugging it behind me since "I didn't sign up for this".

Yet, really, who does?!  Who signs up for the hard?  Who picks something so full of devastation and pain and willingly wants to take it on....who does that? 

Jesus did.

He didn't deserve any of it yet he did. 

Who are we to turn away from our hardships when he didn't?!

Yes, I'm thankful for my beating heart that allows me to take this all in everyday...the good, the bad, the ugly.

And dare I say it.....I'm also thankful for the darn uterus that I lost for letting me have the chance to grow Charlotte and to become her mom.  No one else's.  Only she gets that right and gosh, do I want her to be proud of that.  So, yes, I did lose a part of myself on that fateful night in early March three years ago and because of that Adam and I can't grow our family to match the dreams we had.  I know this will never go away and will always be a struggle but I have to look at the positive as well as the negative.  That damaged uterus gave me the best thing it ever could have given me. - - a part of me that I get to watch and enjoy everyday so who am I to dwell on could have, would have, should have or to lash out at God so angry things have turned out differently from what was so long desired for and held in my heart? 

It served its purpose.  It brought us Charlotte and created one really amazing little life.  One solitary life.  Jesus lived one life.  Look at the impact his had on all of us.  Who am I to question one versus many?

Here's to daring greatly to live actively from the not so good moments to fully catch and enjoy the happier moments!

He is

He is the last piece of chicken he scooped on to my plate after making homemade yummy chicken alfredo fettucini since he knows how much I like it.

He is the snoring in the night.

He is the smart alec who helps me to not take myself so seriously.

He is Charlotte's favorite person and has been since day one.

He is the video game playing Rams following and news reading computer lover.

He is the man of the house (with the two boy pups).

He is the fruit-based ice cream eater.

He is the man who moved across the country for love and the chance to start his own family for which I'll always be grateful.

He is a hardworking student dedicated to pursuing God's call for him in his new vocation as high school history teacher.

He is a surprise gift giver and best surprise gift I never saw coming six years ago.

He is the reason we celebrate today as it is his birthday!!

Charlotte is thinking....when can we be done with pictures and go to the playground?

Receiving birthday treats on her birthday a couple weeks ago!

Thank you for choosing to love your two girls every day, Adam.  Love you!