Straight Down the Middle

My niece and I have been able to stop by my Dad's gravesite the last two days.  Both times, I was struck by the expression, "Straight Down the Middle" on a nearby gravestone.  As I was pondering what this expression might mean, I realized that this was the exact type of thing, under ordinary circumstances, that I would have been able to ask my Dad what it meant.  He was the holder of all sorts of knowledge and nine times out of ten, had the answer to my questions - - no matter how random they might be.


So, with a weary yet curious heart, I looked up what that expression meant once I got back to my car.  Mason and I learned this:

"Straight down the middle" means perfectly on target, without deviation - even if there's nothing "down" involved. "The defense tried to block her, but she took the ball straight down the middle."

Reading this description had me smiling as it made me think of all the times Dad just got down to business.  He saw right through the BS if I was talking around an issue or behaving poorly.  He called me out when I needed to face the music or if I was giving myself too hard of a time.  He got to the point and didn't mince words.  In a sense, Adam is like this, too - - especially if I'm taking too long to tell a story.  "Too many words - just get to the point" was a sentiment expressed by my dad and currently by my hubby at times.

Speaking of getting to the point, last night's dream was a beautiful representation of getting to the point of bringing comfort.  It was a busy sort of dream with a lot of action and changing scenes and activity from start to end.  The beginning of the dream was glorious with seeing my Dad sitting in the front seat of his red tracker (this is going way back) with his left arm hanging out the window.  He pulled up to where I was with a beaming smile on his face and his eyes all aglow with happiness.  He slowed to a stop, leaned over slightly, looked me in the eye, and mouthed, "I love you very much".  It felt like he had already departed for wherever he was heading, but looped back around to drive over to where I was standing on the sidewalk, just to share that message.  The evening sunshine was pouring down on everything sharing its heat and brilliant light as the scene changed to a carnival atmosphere - almost like a First Friday event downtown.  Next thing I know, I'm in a group with a family friend, Sue, and some other folks.  We headed to Prime for ice cream that was part of this line up of a carnival like atmosphere when all of a sudden, I was ecstatic to see someone.  I never got a clear image of who this person was but it was a woman dressed in bright colorful colors with amazing accessories.  I ran over to the person, delighted to see her and be in her presence, then threw my arms around her for a hug.  The group I was with eventually caught up with us and joined us in a happy reunion with the mystery person.  A few minutes later, as we were all enjoying ice cream (I had a peanut butter cup sundae - - again the stuff dreams are made up of...ha!), I felt the urge to turn around....and boy was I thankful I did that as I reflected on the dream later because my beloved friend, Sha, was there!  She was leaning against a wall, totally relaxed, with her arms casually crossed over her chest.  She had a look of contentment on her face and peace just radiated from her.  I motioned for her to join me next to the mysterious woman I was so thrilled to reunite with but she shook her head and motioned she was find where she was.  

The joy I had been feeling from seeing Dad in such a familiar way in the driver's seat of his car followed by the overwhelming sense of gratitude and happiness at seeing whoever the mystery person was all became enveloped by peace and comfort when I caught sight of Sha.  Both Dad and Sha were just a few feet away from me in my dream but I did not reach out to ether to try to hang on to them yet I felt SO connected with them.  They both were just so happy and peaceful so I'm going to try to rest in that and emulate the joy and contentment that was felt so profoundly as I slept.  Yes, this kind of dream that was experienced last night was a straight down the middle kind of dream...getting to the point, allowing brief glimpses of two people so dear to my heart, and driving home the reminder to lean into the joy rather than the sorrow, to consciously turn to the light rather than the dark.

Reminders

Today, and the last couple of days really, have been full of reminders of something I cannot forget. Growing up, the month of June meant summer was here, windows were open all day long, the thud of the basketball could be heard bouncing off the Bell Telephone parking lot, and plenty of celebrations were had with my older brother's birthday usually falling somewhere near Father's Day then closing out the month with Mom and Dad's anniversary.

It is now the fifth day of June and three weeks before that special day I always associate with love. I plan to be home with Mom on June 26th and actually Charlotte, she, and I will be at mass that day since a childhood friend had a mass said for him on that day!

So, these last few days in the month of Father's Day and my parents' anniversary, the tears come during the most random of times. Seeing a shirt in an ad that said, "I'm not sleeping - - I'm just resting my eyes," reminded me of all the times Dad claimed, from his reclined position in the living room armchair, that he was doing just that. Tonight, as I re-enrolled our daughter in her school for next year, I was taken aback by the thought that I had to take Dad off my list of emergency contacts. He is listed as my #1 contact if my hubby couldn't be reached for so many things. Working on a women's book study schedule led me to a video post I had made seven days before his passing. As I watched back what I had shared I just wanted to jump into that video and be able to talk to my Dad again.

As bad as things are for my brothers and me right now, I can't even imagine the pain Mom is facing. I don't know about her, but everything is still so raw and fresh as others have moved on and go about their lives but yet, it feels as if time has simultaneously sped up and frozen at once for me. However, seeing this quote tonight reminded me that pain and grief are not wasted. This quote is a good reminder that crosses don't go away but they give us the chance to stretch ourselves and grow in humility and hopefully grace as we try our best to carry the crosses fashioned for each of us. A lot more heartbreak has been added to the current cross I am already familiar with but with God's help, I've got this.... Right?

The everlasting God has, in his wisdom, foreseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart. This cross he now sends you, He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His loving mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with His loving arms, and weighed with His own hands, to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. – Saint Francis de Sales