Eight years ago today Adam and I met.
In between busy moments today, I relived first laying eyes on Adam's profile on Catholic Match and sending him a message.
When the dogs first got me up at 6am, one of my first thoughts was how tired I was as I recovered from a whirlwind trip my little brother and I had taken eight years ago. We had met up in Nashville, TN and walked every corner, nook, and cranny of that city. Today, some colleagues from school are in Nashville presenting and repping at a pretty cool summit!
As the sun began peeking over the horizon and the nerves started setting in for the day's presentations I would be giving today at a state conference, I busied myself with getting Charlotte up and out the door to take her to school. I reflected back on the small children in my life eight years ago. It's still surreal to think of how life was then in being the live-in aunt trying to pitch in and help out with my young niece and nephew(s) and how similar some of the morning routines are now with one of my own.
It was around lunchtime eight years ago when I messaged Adam. Today, at 12:30pm, I began co-presenting at a virtual conference with my dissertation advisor in North Carolina, a colleague in Columbus, and a colleague right here in my new hometown. Both lunchtime occurrences then and now evoked butterflies.
Eight years ago, I was prepping for a three minute speech to give on my research.
Today, I'm racing the clock to meet a deadline that is ten days out regarding a book that will contain some of my latest research!
10/21/13 = start of something new but didn't know it at the time (!).
10/21/21 = each day opportunities to manage something or deal with something are presented anew.
Tonight, after a long afternoon of extracurriculars, grading, and trying to get caught up on the to-do list, Charlotte brought up the fact that one of her closest friends is going to be a big brother. She laid her head on my shoulder as she tucked in next to me in the oversized chair and said, "Mama, you can't give me a baby sister or brother because I don't deserve it." This was a first for me in hearing her say something like this and gave me the chance to deal with the ever present grief in yet a new way. "Charlotte!" I exclaimed, "You know Daddy and I would give you a baby brother or sister if we could! It's not that you don't deserve it. It's just that Mommy only got one chance to do that and wound up with YOU!!" At that she smiled and went back to what she was doing perfectly content tucked into the warmth of my body and using my shoulder for a pillow as my heart felt pierced yet again. Lately, I've been reflecting on Our Lady of Sorrows and the intense pain and grief she experienced as she watched her Son suffer. Hours earlier today, I said during my second presentation of the day that one of the goals of the book, and the study it highlights, is to help others to come away from viewing the findings with a renewed sense of passion and vigor while practicing and cultivating gratitude. Yet, tonight, my heart felt like it was splintering off in yet another piece as I pondered the heaviness of Charlotte's sentiment that she is not deserving of a sibling. I remember, as a young girl, wondering why I couldn't have a sister and why did I not deserve one and *only* had brothers (no offense, boys). In my childish ways, I thought maybe I had done something that caused me to not be able to have sisters and to hear my daughter say something similar breaks my heart.
Eight years ago, I would not have ever envisioned myself sitting with these thoughts. I was a bit further south in this big ol' country yearning to get back home to Pennsylvania. I'm still a Pennsylvania girl and still feel a bit of restlessness but over the years, have come to wonder if this yearning won't be fulfilled until my time here is done.
Eight years ago, Adam was the boy on the West Coast who made me laugh and not take myself too seriously. Tonight, he showed his roots when he asked if we should go down to the basement during a tornado watch considering he knows what to do "during earthquakes but not tornadoes!"
Back in 2013, I didn't know I was about to fall in love with that guy who knows what to do during an earthquake. Now, in 2021, I know he is willing to be in the mess or aftermath of a disaster with me.
I wrote the below comment on a friend's wall earlier tonight when she sought tips for organization/navigating the ins and outs of school with kiddos.
I'm currently doing a bible study called, Keeping in Balance, and this line really struck me in light of this thread: "When we come at life full of enthusiasm, dreams, plans, and goals, it can be hard to say no to the good in order to say yes to the best....It's so much better if we can take each day as it comes, considering whatever is at hand to be God's will for that moment. You can receive your day from Him piece by piece." ---- When I read that, I wrote, "Boom! Life, at the moment, is making me do this" meaning the planner in me needs to stop being frustrated with myself/this state of life in which I feel perpetually behind/not good enough...I need to trust that it's okay to let go and shift priorities. God will give it to me (and to you) piece by piece. He's got this. So you missed a parent/teacher conference or let something slide....it's okay. Tomorrow's a new day. 
However, as I read these words again as I reflect on all that has occurred over the last eight years:
newness,
joy,
heartbreak,
reunions,
goodbyes,
graduations,
moves,
loss of loved ones,
trying to navigate disappointments/challenges,
familiarity/comfort,
starting over (sometimes every single day),
steadfastness,
frustration,
love,
acceptance.
Piece by piece, it will be given. I'm grateful for the pieces of my heart, Adam & Charlotte, that were added over the last eight years and am leaning into the knowledge that although I don't deserve them, I have them. Thank you, God!
