“Your proposal is on it’s way but it hasn’t
arrived yet…”
When I heard those words at my committee meeting on Wednesday afternoon, my heart
sank. I knew that what would follow this
sentence would not bring me good news in spite of having worked so hard on the
first three chapters of my dissertation over the last year.
As the members of my committee dispersed and
I cleared the conference room of my materials, old feelings of rejection
surfaced as April 24th felt a lot like a day in early May 2010 on
which I received word that I had been denied the Fellowship I had applied for
five months prior….it wasn’t until I read the words that I had not been
selected, in a cold impersonal email, that I realized how much I had been wanting the opportunity and
change at that time.
As I sat and listened to committee
member after committee member dismantle something that was so near and dear to
my heart and that I had invested so much of myself into, feelings of "I didn’t
measure up" or "I wasn’t good enough" rose up in me.
Fortunately the tears that threatened to fall didn’t come until I was
back in the GA Lab as I worked on getting started on the revisions.
Not only did I feel as though I had let
myself, my advisor, and family down but I also felt disappointed for all those
who had been eagerly awaiting to hear my news and whether or not I were going to be in PA
for data collection for my dissertation study in a few short days.
So many folks had sent encouraging messages/voicemails/well wishes
before the meeting from PA to VA to NC and beyond….one even shared that Fr.
Vince, my priest, had offered up a prayer during that morning’s mass at the
local Catholic high school!
What a lesson in humility (and patience) in being
the first doctoral student in my advisor’s career of serving as a committee member
to not pass the proposal defense. Having never failed a class (albeit I
received horrible grades in Math in high school but I never failed a class mind
you) before, as of late, in these meetings with my committee, I feel as if I’m
on shaky ground. It’s unsettling being
told your hard and long nights efforts are not considered “good enough” but I am grateful for these
opportunities to grow, not only as a scholar/researcher but also as a
person.
Would I rather be in the gray
safe zone of comfort or do I want to be pushed to the limit and then some into
uncharted territory? Sure, it hurts and
will be frustrating at times but the end goal will be so worth it. As one of my best friends has often said, “If it were
easy, everyone would be doing it” so yes, there will be more hard days on the
horizon but hopefully as I take the feedback and constructive criticism from
Wed. with me into the next couple months as I work to redo my proposal, I will not give in to the anxiety and worry (too much) in trying to
still graduate in 4 years and move on to the next step in my journey, wherever
that may lead me.
God does work in
mysterious ways and I feel that this mountain that has been placed before me
will be used for good in the future somehow.
I may not know the purpose right now but I am willing to trust and
believe that it will be served a purpose.
After my meeting, I stayed at the office and worked on a chart outlining revisions to submit to my committee until
10:45pm, putting in a 13 hour work day after having gotten about 5 hours of
sleep the night before…..to say I was exhausted by the time I got home at 11:30pm is an understatement.
In reflecting on the events of the sad day last week, the title of my proposed dissertation came from an
interaction I had with an instructor during my undergraduate career who
abruptly interrupted me in mid conversation to ask if I was “deaf or hard of
hearing? Which do you go by?”….which ended up being a life-changing moment for me. Ironically, this professor had defended her dissertation twice, while at IUP, and failed, thereby not graduating and
not receiving her doctorate. It wasn’t until
she moved from PA to NJ and attended a university there that on her third
try, she was successful at defending and moving on to the next phase of her
academic career. I sure hope that this
past week’s failure at passing my proposal defense is not an indication of
things to come that mirror what happened with that instructor…!
The next day, as I traveled from NC to Richmond, VA, then onward to York, PA, I tried to keep in mind
that each day is a fresh day and a chance to try again. On Thursday, I spent
12 hours driving from the South to the North (stay away from all highways ending with 9 and 5
people…unless you want to sit in a parking lot on a highway all day : /). As I listened to Kim
Kalman sing “This is the Day the Lord has made, and I will be glad and rejoice
in it!”, I tried to think positive thoughts and remain hopeful that after
continued hard work and perseverance, that my proposal will eventually be
deemed satisfactory in the eyes of my committee.
As if that weren’t enough, just as I was
enjoying the chorus of the song, "This is the Day", my phone buzzed with an incoming call….from
Kim, the singer, herself! My Mom says God shows up in
others to serve as a reminder that we’re not alone and this was certainly
evident in the texts, calls, and messages I received from others throughout
Wednesday and Thursday. From a caring
secretary who let me fall apart for a few minutes in the kitchen at work to supportive
mentors/colleagues weighing in on alternative approaches to best friends
willing to listen to bits and pieces of the story even if it doesn’t 100% make
sense to them in spite of having to be up 4 hours from then to get ourselves to
the airport, God certainly is evident. I
know, in the big picture of this journey we call life, that this proposal
rejection will be a blip on the radar but right now, it is hard to see past the
here and now and beyond to May 9, 2014.
So, it’s with renewed vigor that I tackle
this challenge and seek to make my work that much stronger as I can already see
it will be through the changes suggested by my committee and the long hours I
spent working on my chart of proposed revisions the other night.
On the way home from the office on Wed. night, I made an impromptu visit to see my brother at his store (he works nights). As I headed home from his work, I impulsively turned down a side street and took a different way home. Upon doing so, I saw a church sign that said, "When you reach your wit’s end, you’ll find
God lives there"....a message I certainly needed to see that night!!