Today was a particularly trying day. It's no secret I want to return to York, PA once my time in NC is through....and when I found out there was a job opening at York College of Pennsylvania in December last year, I though that might be my chance to return to my home away from home of York.
After numerous emails and a lengthy phone conversation, the long awaited evening meeting scheduled for tonight arrived. From the moment I parked on campus (after two folks "took" my parking spots), to walking into the education building, I felt at home. I glimpsed familiar faces (former principals I had worked with in my old life) and felt at ease with the chair of the search committee.
So, I was crushed to hear after the tour of campus and conversations tonight, that the search committee wonders if I'm a good fit for them due to my "narrow" focus on deaf education while they are a more comprehensive special education program. It didn't seem to matter that my background and experiences, while rooted in deaf education, also encompass a variety of special education issues/topics.
I realized as I was fighting the tears upon coming home tonight that I had never truly allowed myself to break down and "cry it out" after the committee meeting less than 2 weeks ago. It's hard to believe that it hasn't even been 2 weeks as so much has happened since then. For crying out loud, I have been in 8 different states since then...ha! Tonight's rejection seemed to unleash a dam in me and I am glad that my former roommate and the dogs (and Taco Bell and wine) were here to comfort me.
Some folks say I should focus solely on the upcoming dissertation study and the day by day tasks at hand (e.g., securing committee approval, scheduling of interviews, going on retreat this weekend, visiting with friends and former colleagues, preparing for a summer of babysitting), but the truth is...I hadn't not considered not working in York when my time in NC is through...it was almost as if being able to come back "home" was the golden prize that I kept my eye on the last few years as I continued through my current journey. Each time I encountered a hiccup or setback, in the back of my mind, I was okay with it as long as I could work toward returning to PA, preferably York.
Along this line of thought, I draw a comparison to what Scott Hamilton (consecutive U.S. champion male ice skater (1984), consecutive World Champion (1981–1984) and gold medalist in the 1984 Olympics) said of his first battle with cancer and on completing his last round of chemo, "Anyone can do something for the last time, as long as he or she realizes it's the last time of doing it". As long as I knew that I had a prospective job waiting for me in York (with some folks I already enjoy working with, on a beautiful campus, in a town I love), then I could handle life's curveballs. Tonight's expressed doubt in my abilities and more importantly, me, was a crushing blow and made me realize that I might have to once again move somewhere new, this time without the support of family, and start over in May 2014 should York not be an option.
Yes, I have moved before and gone where I knew not a single soul.
I've been there and done that.
I think what's more devastating to me right now, in this moment, is being denied the opportunity to make a difference here where I want to be. I already have connections within the school districts here. I have relationships with my former students and their caregivers/parents. I have my social networks in Harrisburg, Lancaster, York, and beyond....I love the history, culture, and beauty of the landscape that makes up York County. My parents are only 1.5 hours north of here. My brother is 2 hours away in Delaware and my twin and his wife are within 2 hours. In short, it's HOME and where I settled down and started my career across the 7 years I worked here.
However, through texts and comments left on my Facebook page, I'm learning that where I wind up in 12 months is not up to me. I must go to wherever it is I'm meant to go and I need to always remember this. If that place is on the other side of the country, then so be it. Yes, the prospect of job hunting, interviewing, competing with other folks who are in the same boat (some of whom I call friends), and possibly not being able to find a job is daunting/overwhelming/scary/tiring, but there is a purpose to it all and as several folks reminded me tonight, there IS a plan. So, I'll try to lean not on my own understanding (even though I really really really really want to be in York this time next year and feel that I am indeed a good fit with this college...) and to trust. Please know of my sincere gratitude and thanks to those of you who have taken the time to shower me with support. I hope you all know that your words make a world of difference in mine. As my Mom just told me, "Things are not easy right now but they're going to get better. Focus on the work you have to do and the rest will follow." Yes, I have a tremendous loving network of mentors from North Carolina to Pennsylvania to even California and beyond, currently have a roof over my head thanks to my generous best friend/brother (which is more than others can say they have), and perhaps most important of all, I have folks who are willing to offer support throughout this roller coaster we call life. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I also thank my two cousins for sending me these inspirational sayings. Yes, I know in the grand scheme of things, my daily problems/battles are nothing compared to greater issues others face (e.g., cancer, homelessness, bigger problems than my small ones) but having your support/love helps me tremendously...Hugs!!
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