Snapshot in Time

One year ago today one of my all time favorite pictures of Charlotte was taken. As a family, we drove to a nearby town celebrating an Arts Festival. I had just buckled Charlotte Annie into her carseat and slipped on my flip flops when I glanced down at our then six month old. She was peacefully waiting for her Dad and Mom to finish running around getting ready as she sat all buckled up in her seat. What drew me in was that she had the sweetest look on her face of expectant anticipation. I grabbed my phone and snapped a photo which is what you see here.

Thus one of my top favorites of the pictures of Charlotte was created in that moment. As I find myself doing so often in her short life, I find that these moments of awe come over me as I learn from her to just stop and enjoy the peace in the moment. She was content as could be one year ago today as I ran around looking for the keys and calling out to Adam to see if he was almost ready to go. Seeing Charlotte looking up at me with this expectant look on her face reminded me then, and still does when I look at the picture now, that she is always watching and how important it is to be a good example for her. Do I want her to grow up thinking normal is being spread too thin and running around trying to get everything done yesterday? Absolutely not! I hope she will have better work and life balance but will also find joy in doing for others what she can. 

Along the same lines, I hope she doesn't run from her problems or try to avoid bearing her crosses. This morning's gospel was a reminder that we need to carry our crosses to be closer to Jesus. When reflecting on today's messages from the readings and gospel, the passage from Jeremiah in the first reading struck me. I, too, have cried out in anger and frustration against God some A LOT since the night of Charlotte's birth. I tried to turn my back on Him due to being so bitterly disappointed in the events that followed her arrival. Yet, like Jeremiah, my soul can't keep from singing His praises. Each time I pick up our sweet girl, as she grows bigger and I feel the weight of it all,  I am reminded of the cross of our huge loss yet still lovingly cradle her in my arms for the precious gift she is. 

I am so grateful for the gift of motherhood and for this child I prayed for yet I mourn the other children I prayed of having. During the darkest hours of embracing this cross, I pray for all the little children Adam and I had hoped to bring into the world. Children in our hearts never meant to be I suppose. Yet, holding Charlotte and carrying her ties me to the present as an anchor in reality. What a miracle she is and how blessed those who cross her path are. I hope she knows how she is so loved by her Dad and me (and so many others!).  Her sweet giggles and smiles take the edge off the pain and dull the razor sharp stabs of bitterness. 

 To borrow from a well known expression, it was the best of times and the worst of times. I wonder if this is similar to what it was like for Mary when the sword pierced her heart or what it means to truly embrace the cross. There is no getting around it so may as well lean into it, offer up the sufferings uniting then to Christ, and try my best to humbly carry this cross with grace. I should try to adopt Charlotte's expectant anticipation in recalling all things work for the good of the Lord. Charlotte is watching remember?