Loving Enough to Leave

My parents have raised us four children to leave.  I don't mean that in a bad way.  I think it's pretty safe to say that I can speak for my three brothers when I say we had it pretty good growing up with my parents.  What I mean is...that part of parenting us has meant for my Mom and Dad that they have  had to get pretty good at saying goodbye.  I'm thinking specifically about when one of us left home for the first time.  In the mid 90s, my big brother, Brian, went away to college and was the first to leave our family of six.  I remember how strange it seemed to make the familiar long drive across the state on the turnpike from Pittsburgh to northeastern PA, about a five hour drive from University of Pittsburgh to our home in northeastern Pennsylvania as a family of five rather than six.  How odd it must have felt for my parents to be sitting at the front of the van with only three kids in tow rather than the usual four.  I never stopped to consider it until now but it must have felt like a hole in their hearts that took the form of my tall lanky determined to move south someday Nascar loving brother.  We had a ball moving him in to his dorm in one of the towers at Pitt earlier that day but then reality set in as night fell and with each mile that separated us on the highway as we drove home and my brother began his life at college away from the only family life we had ever known.

Then, my twin and I followed in Brian's footsteps two short years later when we both left at the same time for two different colleges.  My parents had to love us enough to let us leave and do two at the same time!  This made for three children being away at school at the same time.  Not only did that take a toll financially but it must have emotionally as well.  Patrick, my little brother, was not too far behind us joining the ranks of college student in the early 2000s.  Yes, at one point, my parents had four grown children in college all at the same time with the closest one being 1.5 hours from home.  I can't fathom Charlotte Annie being away from Adam and me and the thought of the silence and stillness from her absence that we will someday experience makes my heart want to break.  I can't imagine how that would feel times that by four as my parents must have experienced!  I have a whole new appreciation for the loving my parents gave us and the heartache that accompanies parenting four at once as I look at our upbringing with a new set of eyes today.

A couple years after college, my parents had to love us all enough to leave my twin on the other side of the state as they visited him in western Pennsylvania where he was enrolled in the state police trooper academy at the time.  Mark's time in the police academy was tough and it was probably hard on my parents to think of his facing these trials so far from home.  At the same time, we would make trips down south to visit Brian in his new home state of North Carolina and see Patrick in his new home in Delaware which was about three or so hours from home.  I became the child who lived the closest to my parents with living in central PA.  However, we were and are all happy with where we are so that probably eases some of the sadness my parents might feel over having their children spread out so far.

Mom and Dad have been such terrific examples of raising confident strong children who are not afraid to chase their dreams and work hard for them yet know they can come home when needed.  They loved us enough to let us branch out and try new things even if it meant stumbling and falling.  They provide us with the encouragement and wisdom to get through rough patches and while I'm sure they would probably rather we all live a stone's throw from home, they are hopefully proud of how we have turned out so far and where we are in each of our respective lives.

I also think of Adam's parents and family and am so grateful to them for loving Adam enough to let him leave (for now).  He picked up and moved three time zones away to start our lives together as a new family.  Only by the grace of God, and support of our families, are we able to have the courage to face each new day as we chase our dreams and seek to serve through our God-given abilities.

In a few days, my parents are going to have to face probably one of the most difficult goodbyes yet.  They, along with my big brother, are going to drive to Delaware to pick up my little brother.  Then they will make their way down to Georgia where they will drop Patrick off at the top of a mountain. They will have to hug him, smile through the tears, and wave goodbye as he sets out on the biggest adventure of his life.  They will need to let him walk off into the unknown literally and figuratively.  They will return to their vehicle, probably with a mix of excitement and nerves, with that one empty spot in it, much like when we returned home the first time we had to live as a family of five rather than our customary six when we left Brian in Pittsburgh back in August 1996.  Patrick will be out on the trail until August or September - - six long months from now.  My parents will make the trek north by car as they drive from Georgia to Ohio just in time for little Charlotte Annie's 2nd birthday party.  I'm glad that they will have something joyous and celebratory to look forward to as they try not to focus on the temporary physical absence of my little brother in their hearts.  I hope some day I'm able to love enough to let Charlotte leave and make her own mark on this world following my parents' and my in-laws' example. 

I also can't help but think of how much the Lord loves us when I think of my parents and the kind of parent I hope to be to Charlotte.  We are each the Lord's children yet some of us don't make time for Him in our lives.  How it must pain him to be separated from so many of his beloved children yet He is always at the ready for when we seek Him.  What a mighty and loving Father to accept us flaws and all!

These boots were made for walkin'....

Here is an update on my little brother's upcoming hike!  His work newsletter wrote up this interview they conducted with him.  The start of his time on the Appalachian Trail is so near now!!  Prayers are appreciated!

Missing you already!!  

INFO FROM DONATION WEBSITE: https://www.youcaring .com/injuredunitedstatesvetera ns-866624

First, thank you for finding my page. As you might know, beginning in March of 2018, I plan to attempt to hike the Appalachian Trail (AT)- five to six months, 14 states, 2,189 miles, from Georgia to Maine. While that task seems incredibly daunting, it does not begin to compare to the journey faced by thousands of severely wounded veterans upon returning home.

In January of 2017, when I began planning for next March (now 20 days away), I decided to connect this hike with an effort to raise a substantial donation for an organization I've been following for about five years whose mission is to help the veterans I just mentioned. This non-profit organization provides all-terrain wheelchairs to veterans who have sustained major nerve damage, amputations, and paralyzation, in an effort to restore their independence to pursue activities they enjoyed prior to their injury (hiking, hunting, fishing, even golf and automobile repair). They also provide medical, emotional, and physical treatments/therapies to these veterans and their caregivers.

I'm happy to report that in the past six months, I've secured $2,586 (now, $6,014) in donations, but I hope, with your help, we can do even more.

I have set a goal for this page that seems appropriately out of reach. The goal is equal to that of $1 per mile of the AT. This is NOT a request to fund or sponsor my trip in any way, as 100% of the money raised will be added to the previous donation total. If you are in a position to help, in any amount, I hope you'll consider doing so. I also invite anyone interested to follow along on this journey with me. I'll have more information in the future about how to do that, but for now, please accept my gratitude for your consideration in helping me with this project!

INTERVIEW QUESTIONS FOR MONTHLY WORK NEWSLETTER

 1) Tell me about your upcoming journey - where are you going, how long will it take...

The Appalachian Trail (AT) is a footpath that starts on Springer Mountain in Georgia - about 75 miles north of Atlanta - and ends atop Mount Katahdin in Maine.  The first section was designated in 1923, and it was completed in 1937.  The trail is 2,190 miles long and generally takes about 6-7 months to complete.

I will leave Delaware on March 5 and begin the drive to Georgia.  On March 7 or 8, I will start from the top of Springer Mountain, two hours north of Atlanta ,Georgia and start hiking north toward Maine.  There are shelters along the way, and they are generally spaced 10-20 miles apart.  The shelters are typically built like a three-walled log cabin that includes a roof - and often, any small animals you would expect to see running through the woods.  Everything that I will need, I will have to carry in my pack.  That means my tent, sleeping bag, clothes, a battery source, electronics, water and water filtration, food and a small propane stove on which to cook it.  Everything.  Depending on weather and the time of year, shelters may fill up before I arrive for the night.  In general, there is room for 10-15 people to sleep in the shelters, but there are spots around the shelters to pitch a tent.  My tent is a two person tent, which really means it's a one person + room-to-store-your-gear tent.

There will be times when the trail crosses paths with small towns.  In those cases, I will head into town for some good cooking, a laundromat, and possibly a room at a hotel, motel, or hiker hostel.  Those towns will also be important when I need to recharge my batteries (figuratively and otherwise), dry everything out, warm up, and just relax for a day.  For clothing, I will have the clothes I'm hiking in and one or two changes in my pack.  After a few days, all the hikers will stink the same, so I don't expect it to be an issue.  I will have a set of clothes that will remain dry at all times, and they will be my camp/sleep clothes.  If it means hiking in cold wet clothes for a while, so be it, because it's too important to be dry at night when it will probably be cooler, and I won't be out moving.  

The shoes I'll start with are called trail runners.  They're like sneakers on steroids.  They have good traction to hopefully keep me upright along with my trekking poles, and they're made of a thinner material that dries quickly and lets my feet breathe.  Shoes on the trail are expected to last about 500 miles.  That means over the course of a thru hike, hikers will need to buy 3-4 pairs of shoes.  For the rough weather, I'll have a lightweight rain jacket and a down jacket that pack into their own pockets to save room.  I'll have a thermal base layer, beanie, and gloves.  As the weather changes, the clothing I need will change.  When that time comes, I will exchange what I no longer need with what I will need by mail from wherever I happen to be at that point.    

Weight and how much space things take up are major factors when planning a long hike.  It's crazy how you really have to think about every single ounce when accumulating the right gear for a hike like this.  My pack is currently just under 20 pounds which I'm really happy about.  The first time I thought I was done preparing, it was just over 25 pounds.  The fact that I found ways to shave off 5 pounds should make a huge difference in the long run.  I wish it was that easy to drop other pounds in real life.    

Without really knowing how much I'll be able to do, my tentative goal is to cover about 15 miles per day - or about the distance covered in one nursing shift.  For real though, the daily distance will fluctuate based on elevation changes, weather, and the terrain.  But, if I am able to keep the average around 15 miles per day, a full hike would take around 5 months - less than the expected 6 or 7 months most budget for.    

2) What inspired this trip?

I grew up in Pennsylvania, and the trail crossed a road not too far from home, about 30 miles away.  When I would be in the car and see hikers near the road, knowing what they were attempting, I used to think they were insane.  Years later, I began wondering what it would be like to try it myself.  I started planning out logistics at the end of 2016.  I decided to make the leap and see if I could actually be part of the 1 out of 5 people who actually complete the AT.  

One thing that really struck me was how easy it actually was to decide to try.  The task itself will obviously be much, much more difficult and complicated, but the decision to try was simple.  It was eye-opening to me because I thought about people who are not able to "just decide" to do things anymore- specifically, veterans who came home with severe injuries like amputations, paralysis, and nerve damage.  It was that realization that remains a major inspiration for this trip.  I knew of an organization that does some amazing work to help restore independence to those veterans in an attempt to allow them to "just decide" to try things again.  When I began to really plan for this trip, I connected my efforts to raising awareness and funds to help those veterans.  I expect to draw some real inspiration from this group while I'm away, especially on difficult days.  If someone came home from war unable to perform normal daily functions on their own but still finds ways to persevere, what excuse could I possibly have for not getting up and hiking north for one more day?    

3) How can people keep up with your progress?

I will be carrying my cellphone, an mp3 player (which has fm radio for local news and weather), a GoPro, a headlamp, and a battery charger.  The charger will get charged in towns and then be used to charge everything else I'm carrying while I'm hiking for a few days at a time.  Solar chargers are said to not be the best option because at a certain point, the trees have their leaves back and form a canopy, giving the trail its nickname of the Green Tunnel.  

I plan to take as many pictures and videos as possible.  I know not everyone gets the chance to hike the AT, so I'd like to share what I see with anyone who is interested.  It will also give me the chance to look back on everything afterwards and relive it again- this time from the comfort of home.  I'll be posting to social media when I have a signal, mostly under the Instagram account of @patontheat

Anyone who wants to is welcome to join and follow along.  There is a link in the profile of that account that will allow those interested to read more about the hike and the project I've been working on that aims to help injured veterans and their caregivers.  

4) What's your plan for when you're done?

When I finish, I will take a much needed nap and a long shower.  I also hope to head to North Carolina to present the donations that were gathered for the non-profit organization in Charlotte.  After that, I will begin the adjustment back to normal life which will include returning to my position as one of the Medication Reconciliation pharmacists at Kent General.  Pharmacy leadership and Bayhealth has been phenomenal in working with me as I planned out this journey.  Everyone has been super supportive.  Co-workers have been sharing stories they've heard, tips they've come across, magazine articles, even bringing in a bear safety information poster in order to keep me from "becoming a statistic".  I'll miss the pharmacy crew, but it's nice to know that I'll be welcomed back, hopefully with some cool stories.  

Different vs. Unique : It's all how you see it

As I worked on revising some old powerpoints from a communication and language development class I taught seven years ago at my previous institution, I inserted videos I had taken of Charlotte when she was 11 weeks old and 7 months old to illustrate some of the early language acquisition concepts. I miss when Charlotte Annie was so itty bitty small and the days of wearing her on me a newborn in the carrier. Then I stumbled upon this video when looking up Collin Raye's "Not That Different" song that I wanted to include on a slide about how children with hearing loss have more in common with their hearing peers than not.

Seeing this mom sign this song as she wore her baby made me even more nostalgic for those first few months after Charlotte's birth and I could feel myself sliding down that slippery path to the darkness and shock of everything before snapping back to reality and turning toward the schoolwork at hand. There are days I hate what infertility has made me become - at times I feel like I'm hollowed out and walking around in the shell of who I used to be.

However, I am thankful for the chance to be changed and made into a different person in spite of unexpected challenges and each day that comes brings that. It's hard to not be defined by infertility but I'm working on changing that (self) perception of me to embrace other aspects of who I am.

The other day when speaking with a student, I mentioned we should view children by their strengths and their uniqueness rather than focusing on the deficits or disabilities. Why then, am I not doing that when I view myself?? I want to be transformed and focus on other parts of me. God willing I will get past the always present void and try to fill it with good that can come out of it. All things work for the good of the Lord and this moving song in such a beautiful format in the above video is helping me to reframe my perspective. Enjoy!