I'm glad today was such a busy day of looking at a prospective house a dear friend is thinking of buying, playing with Charlotte, schoolwork, meetings, and trying to get things crossed off the to-do list. It kept me off social media for the better part of today.
Then I logged in just before bedtime and was reminded today is "National Sibling Day". A post I had made six years ago of my three brothers, two sisters-in-law, and me surfaced as a memory in my newsfeed. Seeing these pictures and thinking of my siblings (by blood and marriage) made me smile.
Then the sadness and longing for things to be different started rolling in....yet again. What will Charlotte feel on these kinds of days as she gets older? Will she yearn for a sister as I did for so many years being the only girl in my family? Will she look around and see her friends in their houses filled to the brim with noise and toys and kiddos and wonder why her house is quieter and smaller? Will she compare her life to the lives of others and wish she had a little bit of what they have? Or will she look outward then reflect on all that she has under this roof? Her triangle family of three and her pups...will we complete her world and bring her joy? I sure hope so! Will she look around and see and feel the love that surrounds her? Will she know how much she is adored by her mom, dad, and others in her life? Will she be grateful that she can have our undivided attention and not have to share it with other children? Will she have a humble and servant heart and be kind to others in spite of not having the built in opportunities to practice sharing and other virtues with siblings? Will she be resourceful and creative and imaginative as one of my adult friends who is an only says she was as a small child? Will she not want for siblings and be super close to us, her parents, as another adult friend who is an only child told me was the case for her shortly after Charlotte was born?
I often go back to the conversations Lisa and Becky had with me when I was first mourning the loss of the big family dreams I had had for Adam and me and for who I thought was going to be the "leader of the pack". Throughout our pregnancy we believed it would be the first of many. Even though we don't talk as frequently these days because, well, life. is. so. beyond. crazy. busy. atthemoment. I still think of these two friends' kind words as they brought me comfort in thinking maybe it won't be such a bad world for our little girl to grow up as the center of ours. I read recently that a mom said she finds she acts as the role of mom and sister to her one and only daughter and her husband acts as both a father and a brother to her. I find this an interesting concept and wonder if Charlotte's relationship with us will take on some of those characteristics as well. Obviously parenting will be first but I hope that she will also form bonds with us in other ways as she grows.
As I was about to sign off social media tonight, I saw this beautifully written post (see below) in one of the support groups I belong to online. It was a beautiful reminder to not project as I fearfully wonder if I'm doing and to stay in the present and let Charlotte Annie have her own experience!! Adam, her pups, and I are her whole world right now and hopefully it will be enough....along with tons of family time with our siblings and their children, play dates, and a whole lot of God.
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| Her shirt seems to capture the sentiments behind this posting perfectly tonight. Yet again, she is looking upward...this little girl has a knack for helping me to look up and to stay in the light! Praise God for her. |
This is the post I referenced in the last paragraph: This might be a long post, but I hope it's helpful- I sometimes read the posts here of all the sad parents that are unable to give their kid a sibling and the greatest advice I think I can give any parent is to not feel sorry for their child for any reason - kids sense it and end up growing up feeling sorry for themselves as if they have missed out. If you raise your child reminding them this was not the upbringing what you had hoped or imagined, they will feel like they are missing out.
Focus on the positive and keep your personal lamenting to yourself - at least while they are still children.
I'll give you an example - my life:
I grew up in a small apartment of immigrant parents - like ALL of my friends. By the time I was in high school I saw all of my friend's families move into houses. We didn't. We stayed in our apartment (my parents and me and my brother). I would tell my mom how much fun it must be to have a big house and a yard, and she would agree cheerfully but always added how cozy our apartment is.. How much we loved our neighbors ... How convenient it is to have a super...
I would ask if she thought if we would ever move and she'd say Maybe. But the conversations would always go into the positives - casually. She was happy with our family. She loved our cozy apartment. She wasn't unhappy, so we weren't.
It wasn't until I was an adult that my mother expressed how difficult it was to watch our friends move to big houses with yards- that's what my parents always wanted for us, but could never give us. I told my mother, that I would have never guessed that she harbored any sadness about the life they gave us.
I told my mother that I never needed it. A big house with a yard... That happy parents who taught me to look at the bright side and find beauty in life has served me much more.
I'll give you an example - my life:
I grew up in a small apartment of immigrant parents - like ALL of my friends. By the time I was in high school I saw all of my friend's families move into houses. We didn't. We stayed in our apartment (my parents and me and my brother). I would tell my mom how much fun it must be to have a big house and a yard, and she would agree cheerfully but always added how cozy our apartment is.. How much we loved our neighbors ... How convenient it is to have a super...
I would ask if she thought if we would ever move and she'd say Maybe. But the conversations would always go into the positives - casually. She was happy with our family. She loved our cozy apartment. She wasn't unhappy, so we weren't.
It wasn't until I was an adult that my mother expressed how difficult it was to watch our friends move to big houses with yards- that's what my parents always wanted for us, but could never give us. I told my mother, that I would have never guessed that she harbored any sadness about the life they gave us.
I told my mother that I never needed it. A big house with a yard... That happy parents who taught me to look at the bright side and find beauty in life has served me much more.
Please don't think I'm making any assumptions about anyone here. I just always admired my mother for this when I grew up and realized that she shielded me from her personal sadness when I was a kid.
The adult onlies that I've met, I've noticed that the sad ones who wished for a sibling are the ones whose parents apologized to them for not giving them a sibling. I say, there is no need for that - while they are kids focus on the loveliness of your family. Focus on the positive. One day when they are adult, they will appreciate the sadness you felt for them.
Xoxo
The adult onlies that I've met, I've noticed that the sad ones who wished for a sibling are the ones whose parents apologized to them for not giving them a sibling. I say, there is no need for that - while they are kids focus on the loveliness of your family. Focus on the positive. One day when they are adult, they will appreciate the sadness you felt for them.
Xoxo
Soooo...anyone have any tips on how I can shield Charlotte from this at times all consuming sadness? Please keep the prayers a comin' and be assured of mine for you. Pax!
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