Fall in Love

Tomorrow is the day I thought I would get married.  You see four years ago, on a sunny autumn afternoon much like the ones we have been experiencing lately, Adam and I laid eyes on each other's Catholic Match profiles for the first time. It was lunchtime for me down in North Carolina and he was just getting started with his work day out on the West Coast. By the end of the day, multiple messages had been exchanged and a couple of nights later, we found ourselves face to face via Skype as we began the first of many long from the heart conversations.

As our relationship grew and love began to fill in all the spaces, I remember taking note of that fateful October 21st date. At one point, as we discerned marriage and family plans, I flipped through my phone calendar to see when 10/21 would next fall on a Saturday as a potential wedding date. "Oh my, 2017...I don't know if I can wait that long!" I thought to myself before shrugging it off seeing as we weren't even engaged yet.

Fast forward to the summer that followed that beautiful fall of falling in love with Adam and we were much to my complete surprise engaged!! I had always dreamt of a fall wedding but with having plans to move and start a new job that fall, needing to complete our pre-Cana wedding prep, and our living on opposite ends of the country at the time, it didn't seem prudent to marry within a few months of being engaged yet we didn't want to have a 1.5 year engagement.

So we opted for an early summer wedding in late May. It was a beautiful day and a blessed beginning to our new vocation even if it looked completely different from my dreams of how I had envisioned my wedding to be. However, the truth is - - - it isn't about me. Or the weather or the backdrop of changing colors atop the trees. It is about following God's timing and letting go of how you thought it would all go. If we had done it my way, we would not have had the last 2.5 years of being husband and wife and would not be enjoying our rambunctious toddler of a daughter right now.

Yeah, God knew what He was doing when He threw us together four years ago and led us to be married within 1.5 years.

Marriage is hard. It is humbling. It is redemptive and allows you to forgive and be forgiven. Four short years ago, I was full of hope and optimism for what could be. Now, on the other side, amidst pain and brokenness, I find myself feeling so thankful for my husband all over again for his humor, care, and strength as I work to put myself back together again. Marriage requires sacrifice and patience but is altogether beautiful and committing to make the choice to love each and every day.

May 23rd is our wedding anniversary but I still get my fall "anniversary" with my honey because we celebrate our meeting date each October 21st! This year, we will have to delay that celebration by a day though because one of my best friends from right after college is actually getting married in Pennsylvania tomorrow (!!!) and Adam had to  stay behind in Ohio to do schoolwork. How fun for my mom and me though to be at a wedding on 10/21/17 after all!!

Yes, October 21, 2013 will forever hold a special place in my heart. I can't believe all that has happened over the last four years and pray I can get back to the happy, hopeful, optimistic girl Adam fell in love with in 2013.

I close now with a prayer I stumbled upon from Fr. Arrupe, a Jesuit priest, called "Fall in Love" -

Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.

From Finding God in All Things: A Marquette Prayer Book © 2009 Marquette University Press. Used with permission.

Charlotte Ann is 1.5!!

Charlotte Annie turned 18 months old today!!

She is not quite walking independently yet but a few days ago took a few freestanding steps.  I started clapping and cheering as she did this which startled her and ended in her falling down but she got right back up and tried again!  She also has some push toys that help her to work her legs and practice standing and walking. She is really into music and books as well as shape sorters. Traveling-wise, we haven’t officially transferred her out of the carrier but are pretty close to it. She is still scooting and looks like a little hurdler on the ground due to not crawling as of yet. She loves getting into cabinets, closets, and cupboards now (sigh) and turning over the smaller trash cans. When the dishwasher is open, she tries to climb on the door of the dishwasher..! She has also been trying to open toilets too. Just tonight I caught her with her hands in the toilet merrily splashing the water.  It's a good thing that it was bath night! 

She is down to just a bottle in the morning (that she doesn’t always finish) and a nighttime bottle (sometimes requiring a second one). During the day she eats a combination of table food supplemented with the baby food. Recent favorites are grapes, pork, and asparagus (!!!).  We are still working on getting her to drink water and from a sippy cup. She hasn’t shown any interest in juice yet. She usually eats the following: 

breakfast: baby cereal and/or leftovers from the night before if there are any and morning bottle, lunch: fruit, 
afternoon snack: veggies, 
dinner: meat and veggies, 
night time snack: bottle. 

Sometimes we have to “trick” her to eat by giving her Cheerios between bites or mum mum crackers between bites. We’re not really on any sort of schedule with the feeding as we just feed her when she seems hungry. The other day, for instance, she slept in really late because of a late night of teething. So in that case, her breakfast was more like her lunch and then we just go on from there.

Food-wise, she's starting to be more open to eating things that are cold vs. room temperature.  She will eat them once she gets over the temperature if needed. Her bottles don’t have to be totally warm anymore either. I have noticed on play dates and such that she might willingly eat others’ snacks (the other day she happily enjoyed munching on some puffs and almost had a graham cracker from one of the other children) so she may try to “borrow” food from the other kiddos when out and about..hey, sharing is caring!

So far, we’ve not seen any food allergy reactions in her. She says, “yum yum” or “neeyum” for food and milk (we think it’s because we said, “Mmm, it’s yummy, yummy in your tummy! Yum yum yum!” one too many times and now that is what she says for all food). Hehe. She has let us know she is hungry by doing that, whining, or just being fussy in general. If she sees others eating, that sometimes triggers her to want to eat too. She definitely lets us know when she’s done eating by saying no and turning her head away from the food. She is also in the messy eating stage.    

Charlotte LOVES music and books. She sometimes likes being read to (she is growing in this area) but definitely likes flipping through them. She has already gotten her hands on some of the grown up books and torn them (oopsie).   She has become quite the expert at pulling things out of bags, off desks, out of boxes, stuffing things where they don't belong, flipping over the dog water bowl, sneaking bites of dog food, rummaging through the recyclable bins, climbing on chairs and changing beds, and loves to snuggle with a pile of pillows.  At the end of the summer, she started showing an interest in her dolls and likes to twirl them in the air and make them dance.  

In Adam's words, "she mostly faceplants", when she can no longer stay awake! I have tried to put her down in her crib during the day, or the pack and play, but she cries and fusses so will usually just play until she drops. She is somewhat unpredictable with the napping...the other day she squeezed out a half hour nap (again face first on the floor of the office after falling asleep on Adam) but yesterday didn't nap at all. So, really, it's anyone's guess what she will do regarding napping on a daily basis. She loves to be around people and at times will sit and just take things in observing her surroundings before starting to play with others or experiment with the toys.  However, when she's ready to conk out, sometimes she will come over and stand between our knees, put her head down on our lap, and say, "Marmie" or "Mayme"....I thought that was her word for me but then I noticed she says it to Adam too. He thinks she is saying, "Me, Me, it's about Me" when she does that. Who knows?! 

She hasn’t been doing real well with using the spoon (so at this point, I let her “feed” herself with the spoon on bath nights) since she usually ends up “decorating the dining room and herself” with her food. She sometimes eats more if I put the food on the tray of the high chair and she eats with her fingers/hands or if I sit on the floor with her and the pups and feed her that way.

On some days, she eats a lot with a full cup being eaten during a meal then other days, the same cup is spaced out over a couple sittings. She really loves eating the snacky types of food that we try to limit or use to “trick” her to eat the other food too (e.g., cheerios, teether wafers, puffs) but if she sees those items at the same time as the other food, she sometimes gets a one track mind and will only take the snack type of food. Just the other evening, she was more interested in eating my salad and then dipping her lettuce and tomato pieces into her baby food as if it were a type of sauce. As for the sippy cups…she occasionally will drink from them. I’ve tried different kinds of juice, pedialyte, water, and even milk in them but she doesn’t really show an interest. Yet, she loves sharing smoothies with us. The other morning, she drank a spinach, kale, tomato, fruit medley, and almond milk blend out of my glass during breakfast….go figure!!! 

She is able to independently feed herself using the baby food pouches but sometimes, toward the end, she starts “playing” with the pouch and might squirt the food out on the floor!!! She also sometimes grows frustrated when she’s about halfway or ¾ of the way through the pouch and needs another squeeze for the remainder of the food to come out…so she is semi-independent in eating those pouches of food I suppose!  

A recent highlight for Charlotte this past summer was that she saw the Pacific Ocean (for the first time), the Atlantic Ocean, and Lake Erie (for the first time) in the span of three weeks!  That girl has got quite the impressive log of miles in terms of travel!  

Charlotte talks up a storm with her dad and me yet can be quiet and a bit reserved when she is with others.  She loves to wave byebye and says, "Hi-low" for "Hello".  It's the cutest thing!!  She also blows kisses and is very expressive with her feelings.  All of them.  I do love hearing her little voice and watching her facial expressions as she continues to communicate with us and bits and pieces of her personality emerge daily. 
  
She loves playing in the living room with her toys, reading her books in the St. Francis room, and loves to dance to music (especially when Dada is playing his piano downstairs).  Charlotte loves to pretend she is on the phone (she consistently turns the "phone" backwards as she holds it up to her ear though), is starting to get into her stuffed animals/dolls (especially the dolly from Dan & Sue and the ballerina from another family friend).  She is usually gentle with the pups and loves to pat, kiss, lay on, and hug Hershey & Dusty Shamrock.  She recently started saying, "Baby", but I don't know if she has made the connection to that word when she sees a live baby!  Doggies are definitely one of her favorite things as she is always pointing them out (even on TV) and even calls the cat across the street puppy.  She still loves bath time and enjoys going to the playground. 

 
Charlotte usually sleeps well during the night unless she is teething.  She usually goes to bed between 8:30 and 9pm and wakes between 9 and 10am when we don't have to go to school.  The last couple of nights have been pretty rough due to teething with being up with her from 2:30 - 4am.  In spite of these late night adventures, she is pretty even keeled and adaptable.  It's hard to believe it's been half a year since Charlotte turned 1!  What an adventure it's been on this parenting journey with Charlotte Annie.  We're so glad that we are walking this path with her!!

You are always searching and watching what's going on around you sweet girl.  Keep being filled with wonder and awed by the beauty that surrounds you for it is all such a precious gift as you are to those who love you Charlotte Annie!

  

All Wrapped Up....with a bow on top too!

A year's worth of work was realized last night when I logged in to my school email last night. Yesterday was a crazy hectic busy day (in spite of it being Labor Day) that involved teaching three of my classes, working with six or seven students throughout the day, and making a quick trip to Aunt Marie and Uncle Bill's for a cookout after work.

By the time Charlotte was bathed, fed, and put down for the night upon our return to Ohio, I tiredly logged in to my school account before heading to bed myself.  I was pleasantly surprised to receive the news that a project I had worked on over the last academic year had been completed. Here is the link to my latest endeavor!

Many thanks to those who contributed to the chapter and also for the support! The PhD student inside is totally geeking out over being listed in the same resource as one of my research rock stars! ;}  Happy reading!

Reister, M.  (2017). Career development and adult life. In S. Lenihan (Ed.), Preparing to teach, committing to learn: An introduction to educating children who are deaf/hard of hearing (14). EHDI Learning Center. Retrieved from http://www.infanthearing.org/ebook-educating-children-dhh/index.html

Snapshot in Time

One year ago today one of my all time favorite pictures of Charlotte was taken. As a family, we drove to a nearby town celebrating an Arts Festival. I had just buckled Charlotte Annie into her carseat and slipped on my flip flops when I glanced down at our then six month old. She was peacefully waiting for her Dad and Mom to finish running around getting ready as she sat all buckled up in her seat. What drew me in was that she had the sweetest look on her face of expectant anticipation. I grabbed my phone and snapped a photo which is what you see here.

Thus one of my top favorites of the pictures of Charlotte was created in that moment. As I find myself doing so often in her short life, I find that these moments of awe come over me as I learn from her to just stop and enjoy the peace in the moment. She was content as could be one year ago today as I ran around looking for the keys and calling out to Adam to see if he was almost ready to go. Seeing Charlotte looking up at me with this expectant look on her face reminded me then, and still does when I look at the picture now, that she is always watching and how important it is to be a good example for her. Do I want her to grow up thinking normal is being spread too thin and running around trying to get everything done yesterday? Absolutely not! I hope she will have better work and life balance but will also find joy in doing for others what she can. 

Along the same lines, I hope she doesn't run from her problems or try to avoid bearing her crosses. This morning's gospel was a reminder that we need to carry our crosses to be closer to Jesus. When reflecting on today's messages from the readings and gospel, the passage from Jeremiah in the first reading struck me. I, too, have cried out in anger and frustration against God some A LOT since the night of Charlotte's birth. I tried to turn my back on Him due to being so bitterly disappointed in the events that followed her arrival. Yet, like Jeremiah, my soul can't keep from singing His praises. Each time I pick up our sweet girl, as she grows bigger and I feel the weight of it all,  I am reminded of the cross of our huge loss yet still lovingly cradle her in my arms for the precious gift she is. 

I am so grateful for the gift of motherhood and for this child I prayed for yet I mourn the other children I prayed of having. During the darkest hours of embracing this cross, I pray for all the little children Adam and I had hoped to bring into the world. Children in our hearts never meant to be I suppose. Yet, holding Charlotte and carrying her ties me to the present as an anchor in reality. What a miracle she is and how blessed those who cross her path are. I hope she knows how she is so loved by her Dad and me (and so many others!).  Her sweet giggles and smiles take the edge off the pain and dull the razor sharp stabs of bitterness. 

 To borrow from a well known expression, it was the best of times and the worst of times. I wonder if this is similar to what it was like for Mary when the sword pierced her heart or what it means to truly embrace the cross. There is no getting around it so may as well lean into it, offer up the sufferings uniting then to Christ, and try my best to humbly carry this cross with grace. I should try to adopt Charlotte's expectant anticipation in recalling all things work for the good of the Lord. Charlotte is watching remember? 

Furry Shadows

These doggies, as Charlotte excitedly calls them, are usually not too far away from her even as she becomes increasingly more mobile.

I wonder what is going through her mind when she interacts with them from giggling with glee as she chases them to leaning back on each as a makeshift pillow to hugging them throughout the day.

Dusty Shamrock has been there for me and has been through a LOT with me over the last decade but to see him provide comfort to Charlotte Annie these days as well is so sweet. Hershey, who is a ball of energy, is always at the ready for games and jest much to Charlotte's squeals and delight.

I am so glad we have a fellow doggie lover on our hands!

First Day of a New Plan

Yesterday was Adam's first day of classes and today was my first of teaching for this semester.  With this change in her parents' schedule, today was the day Charlotte returned to the babysitter's house and boy did I miss her!  I was thankful for the hustle and bustle that a day full of teaching three classes and advising just under a dozen students off an on throughout the day brings as it kept me from being sad over not being with our little soon to be 18 month old.  The last three months of being home with her full time flew by and I teared up more than a few times during the fleeting moments of quiet today.  I'm so thankful I have my Tuesdays and Thursdays of uninterrupted time with her this semester.  However, I'm also excited for Charlotte Annie to have regular interactions with a home full of lovely children again.  The thought of Charlotte scooting around, playing with the kiddos, and learning from our sweet caretaker gets me through the long days on campus.

This new semester is full of huge changes for Adam.  Originally we had thought this would be his senior year.  Well, after a change in majors last week, his graduation has been pushed back to Spring 2020.  In the long run, we know this will help him to get that much closer to his goal but it's been a bit of a shock to me to try to wrap my brain around the fact that I will be the sole provider for our family for a couple more years rather than a couple semesters.  I love my job and the work I'm blessed to do but there is an extra layer of stress and worry in being the primary provider for such an extended time yet I'm so proud of the way Adam is chasing down his dreams.  Within days of switching his major, he promptly signed up for an intense three hour series of exams required for his new major.  So far, we know he passed two of the three exams and are awaiting the score of the third portion.  What's amazing is that he took this exam without having set foot in any classes within his new major.  What a feat!!  He is also taking 19 credits of courses this semester which pushes him over the full caseload.  Again, I so admire his dedication and the way he is actively pursuing this new path.

His History major from last semester is still serving him well in his new major of Adolescent Young Adult History Education since he was able to apply many of the courses he took in the spring to his new major.  Due to the super full load and all the work that comes with taking seven classes at a time, he will not be able to do much traveling or participate in many social activities this semester which is a bit disappointing for the social side of me.  In a way, it feels like when I was in grad school all over again with limiting what we can and can't do financially, socially, and time-wise but the sacrifices now are sure to pay off in the long run.  It may be tough on some days but God will hopefully bestow the graces to get through as He did during other times of struggle in both of our lives.

Yes, lots of changes lie in wait for us this fall but I look forward to the challenges they bring and the satisfaction that comes with hard work in making dreams a reality.  What are YOU waiting for...what change have you been mulling over in your mind?  After today's first day of school for me and an evening of snuggling Charlotte, I feel reenergized and ready to tackle these changes head on through some new school year resolutions I've made.  Two are to get back to a regular Adoration hour and to try to get into a more regular workout routine with friends.  Here's to hoping we can all stay on track and work toward our small and big goals over the next four months!

Puppy Love

We can't give our daughter human siblings (for now) but by golly she has such a heart for her furry siblings. This picture was captured tonight after Charlotte spent a half hour chasing after and giggling at her puppies tonight.  Watching her interact with the pups and hearing her laughter reminded me of the sounds of my niece and nephews laughing and playing with one another during the summers I lived with them.  I felt myself start to slide down the all too familiar slippery slope of wishing and despairing over Charlotte not having little brothers or sisters.

So instead, I consciously made a choice to focus on the positives.  Right here, in this moment, she is content and has all she needs in her Dad, furry brothers, and me.  And that is enough.  I will deal with when it is not enough another day when or if that moment comes at some point during her childhood.

Back to tonight, earlier while at church, Charlotte pulled from her mass bag a family picture her cousin, Mason, had drawn for her Baptism last summer.  As soon as she saw the image, her eyes lit up and she excitedly exclaimed, "Puppy!  Puppy!", while pointing to and tracing with her tiny fingers Mason's rendition of Dusty Shamrock and Hershey.

I love that Charlotte Annie loves doggies as much as her Mommy and Daddy do.  How funny is Adam's beard in the image though?!

I love that she gets such joy from her furry brothers....even when it means happiness comes from throwing food overboard from the high chair.

I love that the boys tolerate her playful antics and squeals of glee.

I love that they start each night sleeping in the same room with her.







Most of all, I love that the always present stinging pain of secondary infertility is lessened ever so slightly by quiet still moments such as these.