First January 30th without Dad

The number, 40, is a biblical one. 

This is the number that had been used to signify important lengths of time.  We hear of Jesus going off into the desert and fasting for 40 days and 40 nights.  Similarly, 40 days passed from when Jesus was resurrected to the time when he ascended into Heaven.  All of these have been outlined in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Acts in the bible.

Jesus isn't the only who fasted for 40 days.  Moses did it.  So did Elijah.

Then, we learn the Isrealites wandered for 40 YEARS in the desert.

This next event is not listed in the bible but this past February, my twin and I turned 40.  I wasn't particularly excited by that milestone.  40 years is also how long I was able to have my Dad physically be here with me.  Today is his birthday.  All day, I've been reflecting on what this time last year was like.  These early days of 2020 were filled with so much worry over Dad's health, much as the last days of 2019 were.  In early February, at a surprise early birthday party for Mark and me, we all gathered together and saw how truly sick Dad was getting even then.  It seems that things were all rapidly downhill after that second Saturday in February and then the arrival of COVID-19 a month later caused the world to start shutting down alongside Dad's slowing down body.  

However, when I looked up the meaning of the number 40 just now, the Internet is telling me that 40 signifies new life, new growth, transformation, and/or a change from one great task to another great task.  This must be true because the Internet is saying so, right?  ;) 

All joking aside, there have been so many changes over the last 12 months since Dad's last birthday.  Even though he is no longer here with us, our faith tells us he does have new life with our Lord.  I know our family has been forever changed and my hope is that each of his children have grown in our own ways whether that be spiritually or otherwise.  There has definitely been transformation over this last year of "firsts" none of us wanted to experience but must nonetheless.  

I've been doing a lot of thinking about purpose, vocation, & mission these days between the three different book studies I'm involved with, the first year experiences in Christian Higher Education research out of Texas, and conversations that keep popping up with folks.  God seems to be trying to get something through to me with regard to vocation/purpose/mission but I can't quite put my finger on it just yet!  I wonder what new task might be on the horizon?

Today was a task in and of itself.  In the days leading up to this weekend, I felt a sense of dread and apprehension in not wanting to experience today's first.  I had 40 years to celebrate Dad and to wish him a happy birthday.  That is more than others have been able to experience with their own dads.  It doesn't make today's quiet solitude of not being able to hear his voice or enjoy a bite of chocolate peanut butter cake with him any easier.  

   Love this image that was posted on my Dad's facebook by a dear family friend today.  My dad, the pilot, would have approved for sure!  I hope he's enjoying the view where he is now. 

 

So, the days leading up to today were filled with lots of work but also a lot of calm and peace in spite of my trepidation at wondering how today would go.  I woke to a glorious sunshiney morning that was quiet and productive as the rest of the house slept.  I was able to help a local mom with transferring donations to a family who lost everything in a housefire.  I was able to wear a patriotic shirt today just for Dad who sacrificed so much for the country he loved.  I was able to pull my hair up into a messy bun that he often commented looked like how Mom used to look when she and Dad were dating.  Maybe that is why I subconsciously picked the groovy 70s style hippy floral Jamberry pattern that I have on my nails this week.  ;)  I was able to begin a new book study today that is about the Prodigal Son and reflect on how Dad's story of a fractured family and childhood should have been enough to shatter any one yet it didn't break my Dad.  I was able to spend time this week as I participated in another book study called, "In the Father's Love" that works to help the reader recognize she truly is a daughter of God and to rest in the fatherhood that comes with that as I mourn the loss of my physical father.  I was able to watch Charlotte play with her Daddy in a way that always reminds me of my early years with my own dad this morning.  I was able to breathe in the fresh air as I walked to church and remembered all the summer walks Mom, sometimes Charlotte, and I took in the months following Dad's passing.  I was able to sit in shocked silence as Fr. Drake's words poured out during the homily starting with, "We're all children.  I'm still a child.  Yes, I'm a father but I'm still a child.  I still have parents even if they aren't still here with me" as he went on to talk about how our actions can be child-like in the sense that we might not appreciate all God HAS done for us when focusing or fixating on something we don't want to be happening.  Tonight's homily went straight to my heart.  I'm still a daughter.  I still have my father even if I can't see, hear, be, or hug him.  He has put in his time.  He fought the good fight.  He deserves to be where he hopefully is now.  All day, in spite of all that I was able to do, I couldn't help but think of how much he suffered in the last year of his life and especially in the last couple of weeks.  Yet today is a celebration of his birth.  A celebration of the start of a truly spectacular life perhaps for how ordinary (and not so ordinary) it was.  

I was able to barely hold it together during the Communion Song as I heard a favorite hymn.  "Be Not Afraid" has always been a reassuring song for me.  I sing it to Charlotte sometimes when putting her down at night.  Sometimes the song reminds me of Adam.  Sometimes it makes me think of trying to be more trusting and recognizing God's hand in everything that happens even if I can't feel it or see it.  Tonight, it made me think of all those times Dad led us so well as a family and leader of the family.  However, the second verse is what really resonated with me tonight for many reasons:

Blessed are your poor
For the kingdom shall be theirs
Blessed are you that weep and mourn
For one day you shall laugh
And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me
Blessed, blessed are you

What I was unable to do was to stop the tears from falling as I sat alone in the back of the church watching the intact families all around me.  For once, I was thankful for the mask that hid the blotchy red face and tear stains as I saw the tall dads stooping down to pick up their toddlers.  I saw the father who walked around jiggling an about to cry baby in his arms.  I saw the tender look of love between a husband and wife as they glanced at one another.  I watched as an elderly couple slowly shuffled to their pew.  I observed as older siblings leaned over and reminded younger siblings to sit and stand throughout mass.  I remembered the feeling of filling up a pew as a family of six as a child and the feelings of belonging and being tucked away into my family as a kid.  I remembered the years of stifling laughter or sneaking slaps to my brothers when we were supposed to sit quietly in church yet a firm look from Dad would remind us to behave.  

We used to be whole.  Now we're a fraction.  These days, I go to church by myself.  Mom is alone when not with one of us kids.  Nothing is the way it used to be.  

Yet the verse from that song tonight reminds us that blessed are those who weep and mourn.  One day we shall laugh again.  Blessed are we if wicked men insult and hate us all because of our faith.  This is particularly poignant for me as I stand on the threshold of secular research/work crossing over into more of a faith-based work in my research.  Just this month alone saw the recordings of two presentations I gave in which I started to move my faith within my research to front and center.  This semester in particular has led to multiple opportunities to allow me to blend my faith and work all the more so.  It's a bit unnerving after operating out of work over here and faith over there but I feel part of my vocation and perhaps what might be the next big task God is asking of me is to blend the two within my research and writing so I'm going to try to not be afraid.  I also know that Dad would 100% want me to move in this possible other direction so we shall see what comes next...In addition to mentally putting myself in a large field surrounded by trees in the brilliant sunshine today to try feel closer to where Dad is now, I also was able to enjoy his favorite ice cream from a local ice cream shoppe. I chose for tonight to be the night that we, as a family, would break in the bowls I had made for the three of us at a local pottery studio in December.  Peanut Butter Overdose was always the flavor Dad got when he would visit and it fit nicely into my handmade bowl.  ;)  We didn't have the chocolate peanut butter cake today but we did have the chocolate/peanut butter ice cream and sang Happy Birthday instead.

 I think Dad would have approved! 

This is the video that was shared just prior to Dad's funeral by the funeral home.  Liz, my sister-in-law, created a beautiful video with special songs.  I love watching this and seeing Dad as a baby and then of course, seeing him with the grandkids.  What a life!

Changing yet the Same

Seven years have passed since a huge personal milestone was reached down in North Carolina. Mom & Dad were so extra proud that afternoon I defended my dissertation and even went to great lengths to surprise me with having long distance family attend the defense. Totally didn't see that one coming at all!!

I'll never forget that hug Dad gave me at the end of the defense....and how he grinned from ear to ear the rest of the day. The defense was within a week of his birthday, he had just met his future son-in-law (but we didn't know it yet), and we all anticipated the upcoming job interview I had lined up in Ohio the next month.

 

 

Such a whirlwind of emotions - - experienced both then and now. Both experienced on today's feast day of St. Francis de Sales (who happens to have a connection to deafness by the way!). The below quote has a totally different meaning now that one of my biggest fans is no longer physically here to send me the reminder text or call of what happened on today's date. I hope he's still proud. 💓

“The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either he will shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.” -- St. Francis de Sales, pray for us!

#lovelikeSha

Sunday will mark one year since a friend I can only describe as effervescent left us.  I can hardly believe it's been that long.  On the one hand, it feels like this time last year was yesterday yet in other ways it feels as if it was a lifetime ago.

No one will ever replace Sha.  No one could.  She was a once in a lifetime type of friend who was not afraid to sit with you and walk with you during hard times.  I have no doubt she would have reached out in March and April as we accompanied Dad during his final days.  I imagine what she would have said or done at this time eight months ago.  I sometimes wonder what she would say if she knew of the latest professional developments of working out of two grants and working on three separate book/chapter deals at the moment.  I can almost hear her make a fuss over Charlotte Annie and "ooo and ahh" over her dancing as Charlotte would show off her latest dance moves during a video chat.  Heck, she would probably even start dancing on her end of the call to go along with Charlotte's moves.  ;)

 

When I think back to the last time Charlotte actually did video chat with Sha, it was when she chose her to call when she wanted to tell someone she was going potty.  Sha completely rolled with it and was nonplussed when she answered the video chat to find a three year old sitting on the potty.  She cheered and made Charlotte grin from ear to ear encouraging her to keep up the good work.  The last time I had a video chat with Sha was when some of the students from Women's Ministry were sitting around my dining room table discussing the virtue of hope and the value of gracefully bearing suffering.  We all immediately thought of Sha as we had all been in Austria together the previous semester.  On a whim, I picked up the phone and on the spot called Sha.  Propped up in a hospital bed, she smiled into the phone and greeted each student at the table, including a surprise visitor from Texas.  We prayed over Sha via the video chat, some tears fell, and I, in advisor mode, said I would make plans to call Sha again very soon as I realized I needed to wrap up our call to stay on time for our Women's Ministry Book Study.  That call and last encounter took place in late October which wound up being less than two months than 12/20/19. 

It's been one year and 11 days since I received a message from Sha.  The last two messages I sent her from California were not viewed by her but I have some small measure of comfort that the last message she saw from me during her last three days was letting her know she was being prayed for in a place she knew well. 

 

As I recently scrolled through the memories and What's App conversations with Sha as I mourn, I'm still amazed at her selflessness even amidst the suffering as is evident by her willingness to not shut off from the world or to encourage me to open up and talk with her when she could tell I wasn't myself.  Some of Sha's last messages to me involved her stepping out of her own despair and entering into mine.  I mean, who does that?!  I remember feeling so humbled that she cared enough to care about my problems when she had much bigger problems than I.  

 

I strive to be the type of friend Sha was.  She had a way of making you feel like you were the only one in the room even when sitting in a bustling coffeehouse.  She had a way of always teaching through her actions/words/ways of living such as how to politely send a drink back even when the bartender is being rude and intimidating (ahem).  Her honesty, vulnerability, and realness still resonate with me nearly two years after I first heard some of her testimony and stories and had the blessed opportunity to live in a centuries-old monastery at the foothill of the Alps.  Sha once joked that even though I was only there for one semester that I would always be part of the "fam". So, tonight I invoke the intercession of the Holy Family as I think of Sha and her family. 

Please keep Sha's family and loved ones in your prayers.  

You will never be forgotten, Sha, and may we all strive to #lovelikeSha. 

I have been training all my life for this.. ;)

Today I received an email that made Adam and me laugh and laugh and laugh.  It's not often I'm asked to say more things.  Usually, it's the opposite as co-authors or editors have asked me to trim information or to meet shorter page requirements.  In conversations with Adam, he has been known to say I need to get to the point and to stop rambling and going on and on and on...kind of like I'm doing right now.  ;)

So why the belly aching laughter a moment ago?  Well, I received this message from an editor:

I was just preparing my notes for the editorial board and I noticed that you’ve estimated the book to be about 68 pages. Is that correct? We typically require that our books be at least 100 pages (or about 60, 000 words). I know it would be asking a lot, but do you think it would be possible to increase the page count a bit? I am so excited about your work and I think it will make such a fabulous book. It seems as though there is a lot to be said on the topic so I am hopeful there is a possibility of increasing the page count a bit. Please let me know your thoughts. I wouldn’t need to see those pages now. I would just need to be able to tell the board that plans are in the works to increase the length. And of course I would give you additional time to craft the text.

Wait, you're saying you want me to keep talking?  

You want me to share more on something I am so passionate about and on fire for - - to dive deeper into the themes of my research and share more information?

Why, yes, I would be honored!!  It's like I've been training all my life for this moment to be able to speak and share freely from my heart.  This email brought forth so much joy and it was fun to see my husband smile as I read the email aloud to him and say, "You've never had a problem with adding words!"  This latest project has really truly been such a joy for me to dive into and the chance to be able to elaborate on it and possibly wind up with a book in my hands that contains the information in one place is so exciting!  

I also love that I received this inspiring uplifting positive note on the Feast Day of the Immaculate Conception no less!  *See below for a quick video on this feast day we, as Catholics, celebrate each December.  

Mary, who was without sin and is the ultimate role model for women and a mother I strive to emulate (especially as a fellow mother of one physical child), has been a HUGE source of inspiration for me all my life.  

I look at Mary differently now that I'm a mother and will never forget a dear friend telling me in the hospital shortly after Charlotte was born that I'm like Our Lady for she, too, had one child.  I'll never forget that moment (thank you, Marita) amidst the despair and grieving in Charlotte's first few days outside the womb.  

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I saw this reflection from one of the creators of the mass journal I use and really loved pondering on this piece:

Today on the feast of the Immaculate Conception, we see such a stark contrast between Eve in the first reading and Mary in the Gospel. We can clearly see why some call Mary the “New Eve.” In the first reading, God looks for Eve, but due to her disobedience, she now realizes that she is naked. She is ashamed and hides herself from the Lord.

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Every time I hear these scriptures I am reminded of something I heard several years ago. The root of all sin is summed up in one word: fear. Though fear itself is not inherently sinful, we do sin in different ways out of fear of many things: fear of rejection; fear of what people think of us; fear of never being happy or successful; fear that what we have is not enough; fear that God will not provide.

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// Kathryn Doré in today’s reflection

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This study that will be featured in the book (if this proposal is accepted) is all about mothering and doing it in tough circumstances.  Mary knew better than anyone how to do this and showed humanity how to do it with grace, humility, and a total spirit of surrender.  I'm so honored to hopefully be able to share the stories of other mothers and to hopefully highlight hope and perhaps impart some peace amidst these turbulent times through my work and writing.  Engaging in this study required me to put my own fears aside, to look my own insecurities square in the face, and to lean in more fully knowing that I'm doing what God has put on my heart to do as I seek to surrender bit by bit to a different dream/version of a prior dream. 

Prayers for a successful proposal later this week, my friends, and that I may be able to pursue this book idea!  

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, The Lord is with thee. 

Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. 

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of death. 

Glory Be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.  Amen 

Balancing more than One Love

At the end of an exceptionally busy semester, I have been mulling over this : how do we find professional/personal balance? 

Granted...the times and circumstances we live in at the moment are not the norm but the reality is multi-tasking has always been the norm in my world and that of other working mothers I know. 

Maybe I am just thinking so much about this because my students had to read an article about fathers of children with intellectual disabilities and whether or not the fathers practiced mindful parenting. The study in the article is making me think of how Charlotte is being affected by all the constant juggling and balancing. 

Yet, I know that in addition to being her Mom, my vocation is to teach, research, and serve. I read earlier today a comment that someone shared saying women need to stop saying their jobs are their callings and that the jobs are just that....jobs. 

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that concept since I have always loved what I do and derive great joy and satisfaction from working with children, colleagues, and strangers alike. I think I like the Opus Dei view of what work is better. I have always seen my work as my calling. I think I like looking at it from the lens of how God uses the gifts He has given,the way I attempt to use the gift of time, and the drive instilled within me to work  within my vocation in addition to how I put those same things to use in the home as wife and mother instead of trying to be detached and placing the job way over there. So I will continue to try to be mindful both as Wife/Mommy and as Teacher as I pursue two loves...while I also count down the days to break. 😉

All Souls' Day

Have you ever had one of those days where things are getting crossed off the list and you feel like you have the time to get some of the items done?  That was what it was like for me today.  

Perhaps it was due to the extra hour we gained last night or maybe it was because I was able to somewhat sleep in this morning.  Or maybe I was trying to subconsciously keep busy from fully reflecting on what the next day would bring. For whatever reason, I managed to get some laundry done, clean a little, play with Charlotte, respond to student emails, took a walk with Charlotte, did some grading, submitted some proposals, baked a carrot cake with sour cream frosting (SO yummy!), and capped it off with enjoying a nice All Saints Day Dinner with Adam and his parents.  

Then, after Charlotte's bath, I settled in for some last minute prep for the new week ahead...as I was about to wrap up the evening work, I remembered that my Google Drive was nearly out of space so I began going through files and pictures and tried to remove the larger files as I've been doing here and there over the last several days in efforts to retrieve some of the stored space.  I was about ready to stop for the night when I all of a sudden stumbled upon a photo of Dad.  It was one I had taken the day before he passed and it stopped me in my tracks.  His face is etched into my mind and I "see" him constantly through thinking of him in what feels like every moment of the day.  I had been thinking of him a lot last night as I submitted a proposal I'm extra excited for and wished I could see the look on his face or hear what he would say as I would have shared the news with him over this latest venture.  In spite of all that thinking and remembering of him...I was still caught off guard seeing the last image of him I had taken when he was still with us on my screen just now.

How fitting this happened after midnight as we are now in the early morning hours of Monday, November 2nd.  We are entering the seventh month of Dad not physically being here with us.  How is that even possible?  Last night, when we were doing our nighttime prayers, Charlotte prayed, "I want to pray for Pappy.  He's all better now, Mommy, but he needs to stay in Heaven for a little while longer.  I know you cry and sometimes you don't cry but it's alright, Mommy.  I also need to pray for Spirit and for Peppa Pig, Mommy."  💕  When she says/prays things like that, it makes me wonder if she is still expecting him to come back as I sometimes feel when I forget.  There have been so many times, I think, "Oh, I wonder what Dad will say when..." or I go to text him and it's not until I'm reaching for the phone before I remember.  Such a strange mix of emotions and it feels as if so much time has gone by yet none at all.  Yet today is All Souls' Day...a day that I have been thinking of in a different way this year ever since losing Sha in December then Dad in April.  They are both never far from my thoughts so I don't really need a day to especially remember them but there is comfort in thinking of many others praying for so many who have passed in a special way on 11/02 as is customary in our faith*.  

This one's for you, Dad & Sha.  Love you both & miss you.  I hope you guys are enjoying one another's company and basking in the joy.

In honor of All Souls Day, please join me in this prayer.

Eternal Father, I offer Thee the Most Precious Blood of Thy Divine Son, Jesus, in union with the masses said throughout the world today, for all the holy souls in purgatory, for sinners everywhere, for sinners in the universal church, those in my own home and within my family. Amen.

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*Per Wikipedia, All Souls' Day, also known as the Commemoration of All the Faithful Departed and the Day of the Dead, is a day of prayer and remembrance for the souls of those who have died, which is observed by Catholics and other Christian denominations annually on November 2nd.

Treats all around tonight!

 Charlotte is still very much a Daddy's girl but she was on fire tonight with sweetness for me....maybe it's from all the sugar. 🍭🍬🍫 🙃

 "Mommy, when I grow up, can I wear your dresses and be like you?" 

 "My Mommy let me wear her makeup so I could be a mermaid!" 

"Look! I got some candy for you, too. It's your favorite! I will share with you when we get home, okay?" 

At one point when trick or treating tonight, Charlotte exclaimed, "This is the best day ever, Mommy. " "Really?! What made it that way?" I asked thinking she would say because of the candy, or playing, or becoming a mermaid at the last minute...

Her response was shared with me as she leaned in to my arms, locked eyes with mine, and simply said..."You." 🥰😭