"Let's rock & roll!"

We are unsure if Dad hears us but we're still talking to him as if he can.  We've been playing music for him. The other night my sister-in-law, Liz, played some music from her phone at Mom's and my request.  Mom listed some of Dad's favorite church songs.  When they started playing from Liz's phone, he said, "Noo, no, noooo!" but settled down when we played the Beatles.  Guess they boy band won over church this time.  ;)

Other songs we've been playing throughout the last day have been sung by family friend and Adam's and my wedding singer, Kim Kalman.  Hearing her sing some of the songs we used in our wedding and especially the song Dad and I walked down the aisle to had me reflecting back on our wedding day as I sit here next to Dad.

I always loved the way it felt to be wrapped up in Dad's arms.  I'm wearing his jacket now to try to imagine this feeling from the above picture again but, of course, it's not the same.

As I scrolled through these pictures from our wedding, I'm looking at this one with a whole new set of eyes.  Dad patiently waited down the hall at church while I went into the chapel to have a First Non-Look with Adam prior to the wedding mass.  Once I left the chapel, I returned to my Dad's side where we joined the rest of the family waiting in the narthex of the church to make the grand entrance into church before mass started.  Below is what I had written in our wedding blog posting about that moment.

I love that so many special moments were shared with both Dad and Adam (and many other loved ones on that magical May day).

As my friends, each family, and my cousins seated themselves, the butterflies increased..especially when I almost forgot to place the veil over my face but Heather quickly helped me with that.  I was so glad Dad was there for his calming presence kept me calm.  Before long, it was time to go join Adam!!  The doors opened and in we walked to the church.  It was so surreal seeing all the cherished smiling faces in the family and friends who had made the trip to join us.  My favorite view was Adam standing next to Fr. Jack though.  Yes, this was the best walk I ever took on the arm of the first man I loved guiding me to the man I love and get to spend the rest of my life doing just that!  How wonderful and I’m SO appreciative of this opportunity.  Praise God for guiding us to each other and knowing what He was doing all along…His plans for us are SO much better than anything we can even try to come up with on our own. 

Right as the doors opened at the back of the church, Dad said, "You ready to get this show on the road?"  I nodded, smiling, as he said, "Ok, let's rock and roll!"  Someone captured that very moment on film.

So in the spirit of rocking and rolling, we played some other songs for Dad these last couple days.  There was great comfort in listening to them so I'm sharing them in case they bring others comfort.  One of my favorites right now is the below rendition of One Voice by Wailin' Jennys.

One Voice
This version was sung by a friend and her two teen daughters.  Isn't it utterly beautiful?  When I first played it for Dad, while he was in the hospital, he teared up listening to it.


Surely
Be with Me, Lord
Footprints in the Sand (this is one of Dad's favorites)
Let There Be Peace on Earth
Only in God
Great Are You, Lord
Mighty to Save
Let the Door Swing Wide
You Raise Me Up
Color My World by Chicago - this is the song that Mom and Dad danced to on the night they met!
Wild Blue Yonder (US Air Force anthem)  
Taps
I Surrender

At some point today, Mom showed me a reflection from her daily reflections.  It was especially pertinent:  Do not rush past a struggle in search of some false or temporary comfort.  Rather, within the struggle, seek to discover the source of true comfort.  For it is here you will find courage for the present and hope for the future, and your pain will become meaningful.

The world cried with us on the day Dad mentally seemed to slip away from us...it rained, the winds blew, the trees bowed down from the weight of it all.  As my older and younger brother returned to the homestead in the following days, the sun peeked out from the clouds.  As Dad fell into a more peaceful rest away from the agitation, the moaning, the struggling to breathe and trying to pull his shirt down and away from his rapidly filling up with fluid chest, he no longer called out the family names of those who have passed and the sun shone more and more brilliantly in the blue sky.  This morning Msgr. Zemanick came to give Dad the Annointing of the Sick one more time and a light dusting of snow covered the houses and tops of the cars in spite of it being the middle of April and spring time.  Off and on throughout the day snowflakes blew in the wind.  Dad's legs began turning yellow and his hands and feet felt like ice no matter how many blankets or sheets we lay upon him.  His body is beginning to shut down....yet he's still here with us.

We had a moment of lightheartedness when Msgr. made a reference to family friend, Fr. Jack, as we discussed whether or not he would be allowed to concelebrate the funeral mass for Dad.  Msgr. called Fr. Jack an "educational priest" when he learned he was at Boston College.  I laughed inside as I thought of my colleagues and co-workers by that term of "educational priests" since that's not how I view them myself.  To me, they are friars or priests and that's it...maybe I've been in Catholic higher ed too long to not see them as "educational priests"...lol!

Today we found a small notepad and planner Dad had kept by his recliner.  In the planner, he had started writing down, "Good day", on days that he felt his health was under control alongside his appointments that were scheduled.  He also had a small yellow legal pad that listed the budget and estimated totals so Mom would not have to guess from month to month how much to put aside for bills.  As we looked over these materials, she sat on the edge of the bed, looking at us kids and said, "He was always thinking of me."  What a love story.

During dinner, I asked my Mom what her favorite memory of Dad is.  She shared stories of the early days when they first met and were getting to know one another.  Then, she said that recently, she and Dad had just enjoyed the small quiet moments of going out to the living room and relaxing after dinner.  She said it was so cozy and that they would just talk and talk about all that was going on in our lives and the lives of their grandchildren.  "Now, this house just feels so empty" she said.  💔

Yes, so many things are going to change without Dad's physical presence in our lives.  My twin said that only one time in the last 26 years did Dad miss a day of hunting with him.  The other time was in 2006 when Mark was in the State Police Academy.  Granted, the last few times Dad hunted with Mark, he stayed behind in the car and talked with Mark via walkie talkie or cell phone but the point is he was there.

So even though his body is still here and he can't really communicate with us in the way we are accustomed to, Dad is teaching us up until the end...to have patience and to be with each other in these hard moments.  I will never forget the lessons he instilled in us and taught us.  His body is strong in holding on and being with us in spite of not eating or drinking anything for the last three days (well, more than that as he was only taking in sips of two ounces or less in the previous days).  He seems peaceful at the moment with less agitation but is noticeably getting weaker and weaker.  His kidneys are shutting down, he is dehydrated, and this afternoon's nurse struggled to hear his heart beat as she took his blood pressure.  Yet Dad is teaching us to wait patiently and to sit in the pain, facing it head on, as we prepare for what is coming next in this journey for our family.

Something interesting that happened earlier today was that Brian had left the room while Patrick and I were talking on the large king-sized bed.  We heard Dad let out a longer and louder sigh than he had made in a while. 

Glancing up and looking over at Dad's hospital bed, and the empty wheelchair positioned by Dad's bed, both Patrick and I saw the wheelchair shift backward and forward by two inches. 

No one was near the wheelchair, Dad did not move it, and there was no draft or wind in the bedroom at all. 

Over the last 24 hours, we have been keeping round the clock vigil at Dad's bedside.  It isn't a planned out thing but rather is just an unspoken routine my brothers and I have fallen into over these last hours.  No one wants Dad in the room alone.  However, that moving wheelchair lets us know there is so much more to the eye than we can see here.

I know you're not supposed to turn to Google for researching things but I couldn't resist, tonight.  How does one go on for days in such a weakened state and without any nourishment?  Dad is engaging in the Lazarus reflex it seems...which is fitting given our recent Gospel reflections.

Come, Holy Spirit, and fill this place (and Dad) with your peace and presence.

Wear the dress

My parents missed Charlotte's fourth birthday. Dad hadn't felt well enough to travel but I was able to get home with Charlotte during the second part of Spring Break. At the end of our visit, just before we left to return to Ohio, Mom and Dad surprised Charlotte and me with a beautiful Easter dress for Charlotte Annie to wear. Mom shared with me that Dad had selected it between two styles of dresses when they were shopping a few weeks ago. He had noticed it on the rack and said that they must purchase it for her.

We thanked them and I remember mentally thinking to myself to remember to pack it for when we would return home for Easter. The thought never crossed my mind to have Charlotte put the dress on right then and there because we were about to journey back to Ohio and I was mentally checking over if the food bag was ready, did I need to get gas, and were the bags ready to be put in the car?

It was really hard to say goodbye and leave that day. Dad vowed that next time I would see him, he would walk to the living room from the bedroom and he would be sitting up in the chair! Mom sent me this text the next day. 💙

The next time I saw Dad was 14 days later via video chat on his third day of the nine day hospital stay. I had rushed home that Monday morning after Dad was taken by ambulance to the hospital that Sunday.

In my haste to get home as soon as possible, I didn't pack any Easter outfits because 1) no masses are being held and 2) we were still a couple weeks out from Easter. It wasn't until this past Sunday that I remembered the beautiful spring dress Dad had chosen for Charlotte. So I asked Adam to mail the dress upon his return to Ohio when we were planning on Charlotte staying back with me. I wanted Dad to see her in his dress. That plan quickly changed but Adam still held up his end of the deal the morning after they returned to our home.

Her expressions! The sparkly button! The lace collar! The flowers and spring colors that perfectly go with her peaches and cream complexion! What a great choice made by Dad. 

Unfortunately, a few hours after Dad said goodbye to Adam and Charlotte, as they had to return to Ohio, Dad slipped away from us and has not been responding much to us. Physically, he is still here but he is not opening his eyes or communicating with us...these pictures of Charlotte donning the Easter dress from Grammy and Pappy were less than 24 hours too late. 

So wear the dress. 

Even if it makes no sense. 

Say the words. 

Even if they aren't perfect. 

Love with reckless abandon because you never know when it will be the last time to express it. 

Wear the dress. 

Changes

Six years ago today, something changed.

There must be something about Easter Monday that does that.



Unbeknownst to me, on Easter Monday 2014, Adam set up a Skype call to talk with my parents. I had just left their home to return to North Carolina after celebrating Easter with my parents.

During that Skype call, Adam sought my parents' blessing as he planned to propose in early May. This would mark a change in my parents' eyes in realizing that Adam's and my courtship was leading to marriage. It would also be an outward commitment on Adam's part in pursuing the vocation of marriage.

I never saw it coming and was so touched to learn he had chosen to have that special conversation with my parents so soon after Easter.

I didn't remind anyone of that special anniversary today. When I woke up, I knew today was the day Adam was leaving to go back to Ohio while Charlotte and I stayed back...however, a rough morning during which difficult decisions had to be made led to the realization that Charlotte would need to return with Adam. I am barely getting my job done amidst all that is happening at the moment and I feared if I am here with my parents without my brothers, that something might happen in which I would need to rush my parents somewhere. As hard as it was to let Charlotte return without me, I know it was the right thing to do for right now given that these days are so unpredictable. In Ohio, she will have routine and attention while my family and I can do what needs to be done in Pennsylvania.

So, my heart had no time to prepare as things quickly evolved from thinking I would have to say bye to Adam to bidding goodbye to both of them for an unknown amount of time.

We brought Charlotte into the bedroom to say goodbye to Pappy and Grammy. As I let Dad know of the change in plans and that Charlotte would be leaving, he looked at her with such tenderness. Then he said, "My, how things have changed." I am unsure of what he was referring to...that he was used to doing the leaving after coming to visit us? Or was it because he is bedridden and unable to wave goodbye from the porch as he and Mom always did? Or was he thinking what I was thinking...? That this might be the last time he will see her (& Adam)?

I wanted nothing more than for the two of them to stay. It feels like I am losing Dad and now the two of them. However, as I mentioned to my mother-in-law earlier, I know this is just the grief talking and it was not practical for them to remain. The world keeps turning even when everything feels like it has come to a standstill. Hearing what Dad said about things changing in that moment of saying farewell reminded me of today's significance in Adam's and my relationship. Six years ago, Adam reached out to set up a face to face virtual conversation to share his intentions. Who could imagine that on that same day six years later, he would say goodbye to his father-in-law with a daughter of his own in his arms?

Tonight was pretty rough as Dad wrestled with delirium. At one point, I asked if I could pray for him. He was resistant but eventually resigned himself to a quick prayer. A few minutes later, in his agitated state, he requested prayer. I have been praying for acceptance and and comfort for Dad as he faces the upcoming days especially as his health continues to decline. At one point this morning, he said to me, "There is no future left in my life" and "What is left?"

I am now adding on to my prayers in asking for the wisdom to know what to say to bring comfort. I don't know how to respond and when I say you are going to be reunited with your family and God, he just looks away...because I don't think he is ready just yet. The other day, I asked him if he was excited about seeing loved ones. He nodded yes but also told Mom and me that he wouldn't with us anymore to which we said, "You will! It will just be in a different way!" 🙏

So yeah, Adam and Charlotte left and I miss them both so much. In being truly present to Dad (and Mom) after their departure, I was unable to do schoolwork . Things are potentially moving pretty quickly with my Dad and he might need to go in to a hospice facility or may continue to stay at home....things are changing so quickly and sometimes from minute to minute in so many ways.

There are so many unknowns but one thing is for sure - - change will always happen. Easter and the Resurrection are proof of that. Dad will be changed by all this, this will not all be in vain, affecting our family along the way, and who knows how many countless others through his suffering.

So today, without planning it, marks the memory of a beginning and also an ending. My, how things have changed.

A Different Sort of Easter - - but we can still celebrate!

This morning, when I awoke, I realized that we would not be able to take our annual family photo on the altar of a church for Easter.

Easter 2015 - Holy Family Church, Steubenville, Ohio and one month before our wedding!

One short year later, in 2016, we returned to that same church for Easter Mass when Charlotte Annie was just 20 days old!  <3

 Easter 2017 found us back in Holy Family with our newly turned 1 year old who turned our lives upside down....in a good way!

We were unsuccessful in getting a picture for Easter 2018 when we went to mass at Holy Family but here is one from after the craziness of that mass of two year old Charlotte.

She looks like an Easter egg!  =)

We were unable to go to our beloved church for Easter 2019 as we were living outside the country at the time.  Here is last year's Easter photo from the glorious Kartause Maria Thron from April 2019.

Today is Easter Sunday 2020.  I don't have any pretty outfits or dresses to put on Charlotte at the moment.  When we hastily packed to make this emergency trip home to my parents, I didn't think to pack anything for her to wear for Easter Sunday.  I suppose when churches reopen and we attend that long awaited first mass after a while of not being able to worship as a community in person, we'll have to wear extra special Easter outfits to take a photo after mass!

Instead of ending this post with an annual photo, I am sharing these two student-created spiritual reflection videos they created for last week and this week in my classes.  Like I said, this is the first year my family and I are unable to get a picture in a church for Easter. Yet I'm feeling extra fortunate to work somewhere that I can learn from and grow with my students in this way when we're unable to go to Mass in person.

Enjoy these spiritual reflections that were created by some of the amazing student leaders I have the honor of working with...may we all take a moment today to remember the reason for the season and reflect on all that has been given to us. <3

Spectacular Intentionality

"I didn't do anything spectacular."

"That's the way it is. That is how school is sometimes. You have to take a step back before you can go forward at times."

These are words Dad uttered tonight during our midnight feeding. He has been hanging in the balance between 100% coherence and slight confusion these days so I never know when I am talking to him if he will be talking to me as the Dad I've always known or someone else, especially during the nights.

As I fed him some bites of toast (he was NOT a happy camper about that) and ice chips, out of annoyance he blurted out that he had done nothing spectacular. I am not sure where he was going with that statement in trying to get me to only give him the ice rather than the bites of toast. I beg to differ on his statement and said as much to him.  After reminding him of all he has done to serve and honor our country, that he raised us kids, worked hard and finished his degree, I said, "Also, what happened at this time 45 years ago that was spectacular?!" He said, "I asked your mom to marry me. " Cue the awwwws. I was actually thinking that his answer would reflect that he had entered the church since Good Friday fell on the 45th anniversary of his converting to Catholicism. I think I like his answer more due to the romanticism of it. I mean what person would not want someone to highlight being asked to join in the sacrament (and sacrifice) of marriage as being a spectacular moment in memory? I know I wouldn't mind!

Over the 26 minutes it took Dad to eat seven small pieces of skinny toast and take in two ounces of chipped ice, I kept pressing in an attempt to have a lucid conversation when I said, "Dad, I applied for a job I really wanted at work and didn't get it." I didn't know how he would respond since he shifts so quickly between streams of consciousness and awareness these days and nights.

He opened his eyes, turned his head toward mine, and said,"I heard". This surprised me as he sometimes will forget something that was said a few minutes prior. The rejection I was referring to had happened the morning of March 6th so I was caught off guard when he seemed to know what I was referring to as I shared with him some of the details of what had happened last month. He went on to say, "As you can see, we don't always get what we want. That's the way it is. That is how school is sometimes. You have to take a step back before you can go forward at times."

What an interesting phrase he chose in that moment. I will admit that my first thought when told I was not selected was to leave...to just pick up and start new elsewhere. In a way, that desire to flee from the vulnerability and feelings of not being good enough reminded me of a parent autobiography my students read for one of my classes. The parent in this particular book (Roadmap to Holland) I have in mind shares her feelings with regard to learning unexpected news about one of her newborn sons. She decribes in vivid imagery her raw feelings and in a fight or flight response, she entertains the thought of leaving the messy life behind and beginning again somewhere else. It's so interesting that the first thing we usually want to do when we are hurt is to isolate or run from the situation permanently...Yet that is not what Dad (and Brene Brown🤣) said to do. He didn't say to run. He said to circle around or be willing to go backwards and reassess before moving forward...and isn't that how it goes?! How often do things happen that seem to be opposite of where we had intended to go? Yet, the detours often lead to where you had hoped to go albeit a more scenic route!

So much has happened since that 9:04am walk of sadness mixed with disappointment over something that had really excited me during the previous three months of preparation when I walked back to my office. I had barely kept the tears in before they fell freely in the small stillness behind the closed door of my office. I was thankful that it was the last day before the start of Spring Break which meant virtually no one was around and I had been relieved to not run into many people. While it is true my eyes were filled with the same hot tears for a moment tonight as I revisited that morning in my mind and talked to Dad about it, his advice of being willing to go backwards before going forward helped me view several other opportunities that have presented themselves in the last couple weeks in a new way! In fact, one of them happened at 2:15pm on that same unsettling Friday before Spring Break.... It's true what they say in that when one door closes, another opens! 

I am so thankful for the chance to share my gifts and passion in other avenues and outlets and through talking with Dad I was able to recognize to go forward I need to shift some things around and focus my energy and efforts where they are wanted and can be put to use. I am grateful for the timing of the virus that has caused so many things to fall away and dare I say distractions to be removed in thinking of new goals and steps to take. I am thankful for the slower pace to allow for processing of information and more time to pray about these endeavors as I seek to remain open to God's will.

It seems the word that emerged over and over last spring of intentionality is making a reappearance this spring especially in the act of slowing down a bit! I have been thinking of the importance of being intentional a lot these days what with the online teaching we are all in the midst of, social distancing, and daily decisions we are all making due to the virus. Adding another layer to this line of thought, of course, is not knowing how much time we have left with Dad. Every second counts. What are you going to do with yours? As Dad reminded me tonight, even if it feels like wasted time, the seconds still matter if you ultimately are able to forge ahead and are able to move forward somehow in accomplishing what has been set before us. It may look radically different than what we had planned for or hoped but that's where trust comes into play! To let go and be willing to go backwards before forward, to me, is pretty spectacular even if it seems to be just another ordinary moment on the surface or even if it seems unremarkable.  Jesus, at first, seemed an ordinary poor boy being raised by common folk. Yet, as we celebrate this Easter, look at how truly remarkable he was. Thinking of the Stations of the Cross, there were moments he stumbled and seemed to take steps backwards, yet ultimately, his actions propelled forward... Even look at the steps backwards of what happened on Good Friday but then the moving forward occurred through the Resurrection!

Thanks for the reminder, Dad. I wonder what tomorrow night's pearls of wisdom will be. 😉

Footprints

I write this from my father's bedside on the night of Holy Thursday. Literally, I am laying on an air mattress on the floor by Dad. This particular day of the Triduum has always reminded me of my father as I wrote a few years ago. This Lent, however, has taken on a whole new meaning when thinking of and seeing my father in the last several days.

One of my favorite Easter memories as a little girl was one year when we were preparing for midnight mass during the Vigil, somehow it was discovered that my dress shoes no longer fit. This was the last thing Mom needed as she ran about cleaning and prepping the house for company who were on the way for a weekend visit. Dad and I snuck over to the mall where he bought me new shoes from Payless Shoe Source where a classmate's mom took care of us. I remember Dad saying he didn't mind the impromptu shopping trip since it was nice to get out of the house amidst the hustle and bustle and noise that comes with a house bursting at the seams with us little kids and excited anticipation of Easter basket hunting the next morning. I remember each year when I would wear my dress shoes and new Easter dress, Dad would always fuss and say how pretty I looked. There is something special about the way a Dad looks at his little girl all dolled up for a special occasion. This is also one of my favorite memories from my wedding day...I had done a First Look with my Dad rather than my soon to be hubby. The way Dad looked at me on that day reminded me of all the years of wearing a new dress for Easter or Christmas. 

Adam, Charlotte, and I have been at my parents' home for the last week and a half helping my mom and supporting Dad after his nine day isolated stay in the hospital (not virus related). 

Waking up one Easter morning in a room at Andrews Air Force Base, I was the last to rise from my sleeping bag on the hotel floor. Next, I heard, "There she is! Good morning, sleepy head!" and saw my Dad grinning at me as my brothers ate their candy and Mom motioned for me to search for my Easter basket that was hidden somewhere in the room. Dad was the first to notice me and that moment has already stood out as an example of the many ways he has always seen me and I am not talking about the time he saw right through my excuse of having the flu after a night of too much fun in college when he surprised me at my work and I was "sick". 

It has been 24 hours since Dad returned home and many things are in the works, such as, installing a ramp, obtaining oxygen, and making Dad as comfortable as possible in the hospital bed that is now set up in Mom's and his room. I told one of my students that folks were coming and going, evaluations were being done, and services were being developed much like the early childhood process we had been unpacking in our class but for end of life care now. 

I can't even begin to count the number of times Dad has helped my brothers and me. He has been known to drive 250 miles one way to drop me off at college then drive back on the same day to get up and go to work early the next day. In a blizzard. Uphill both ways. Yep, that's my dad. 

As much as it saddened and frustrated us all to not be able to see Dad in his hospital room, the fact of the matter is he was there for nine days without us. During that time, that was long enough to pray a novena, I couldn't help but think he is experiencing his own Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus went to the Garden, taking his friends with him, who could not keep their own eyes open ("Could you not keep watch for one hour?") during that time.  While there, Jesus implored of God to take away this cup but ultimately, accepted God's will. Dad being forced to be alone those nine days outside the nurses and doctors who treated him made me ponder the days leading up to Jesus' death all the more.  No one wanted Dad to be in the hospital amidst this pandemic.  While he was away from us, I wondered if this was God's way of getting Dad to himself, to purify him, and prepare him for what's to come next, much like how Jesus retreated to the Garden.

Since Dad was isolated from us the last several days, I wasn't prepared for the marks on his hands and arms from the constant bloodwork that was done during his stay.  He has a huge purple bruise on his upper arm and his wrists were raw and red from the needles and hospital bracelets he wore.  His feet are swollen since his body is keeping in too much fluid.  Tonight, when two of my brothers and I worked together to shift Dad in his bed, at one point, he had his arms spread out holding on to the railings on both sides of the bed in an effort to hoist himself up in the bed - - I was struck by how much he resembled Jesus on the cross in that moment.

Dad is embracing his own cross and fighting so many things right now:  worsening chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), a 90% blocked aorta, an aortic valve that needs replaced, decreased renal function (kidney disease), liver issues, and recently diagnosed Myelodysplastic Syndromes (MDS) which is preleukemia and the inability to form sufficient functioning red and white blood cells and platelets.  He struggles to breathe every second of the day and night even with the aid of oxygen.  As the doctor said today, it's hard to know where one health issue ends and one begins due to all the overlapping issues.  The congestive heart failure requires 
 limiting his fluid intake and tonight, once again, I couldn't help but make the comparison between Dad and Jesus when he begged for water, even just a drop, due to his thirst.  

"Can I have a sip? Just one!" I would plead as a little girl when wanting to have some of Dad's perpetual cup of soda in the cup holder on a trip. "Just a small sip, Sis" he would say using his nickname for me. Everyone knew my sips could turn into half the cup disappearing. Thanks for all the sips, Dad. 

Tonight, he called me by another nickname after I came to his bedside from the other room during a coughing fit. When he saw me there, he motioned for me to come closer and grabbed my hand. "Oh, Meggie Annie. I just wanted to see somebody" he mumbled. This sentiment reminded me of something I told him while video chatting in the hospital. He is not truly alone but ultimately, we each individually do face death alone as it is something we each do face and experience....but how unique it all is. Our entry and departure from the world - - we each have our own purpose and vocation to fulfill. I reflected on that as I prayed over Dad tonight. Only he could walk the path he did which brings me back to the washing of the feet. His feet covered so much ground around the world through serving in Vietnam and elsewhere. His feet carried him through a less than ideal home life. They ran from base to base in countless baseball games and ran after small children as an active father who provided for his family as best he could. They danced their way into Mom's heart at a bar dance club. They drove him to college classes he finished after a long day of work and as a father. They waited patiently on the other side of the birth room where I delivered Charlotte and he heard through the door that he had a new granddaughter to love. Those feet brought him to my ear doctor and audiologist appointments and drove me to my CCD classes as we listened to Ace of Base on T102. They are the feet that filled the shoes mine never could. They are what carried me in the hard times and remind me of his favorite : Footsteps in the Sand. All these things tied into my prayers over Dad tonight as yet again, we lifted his feet up on the pillows to try to keep them elevated. His strength is slipping away and he can no longer stand on his own but he is every bit the larger than life hero he was to me as a little girl. 

You looked at me tonight saying you wanted to see someone--not wanting to be alone. 

There you go again, seeing me. Thank you, Dad. I will never forget seeing you in your own Calvary. 

If you all could keep Dad, Mom, and our family in your prayers, we would be so grateful. He has always encouraged us to look at the bright side and told Mom that was the only  has way to survive when they were dating. One way that has been evident was when my older brother worked with a nurse at the hospital to allow for video chats so we were able to "see" Dad in spite  as of not being allowedto visit... Praise God! The other morning, I spent time in prayer as I looked at the items on Dad's dresser. Little did I know that it would soon be converted into a mini art gallery thanks to the grandchildren.

Charlotte is watching Pappy through the Amazon Echo on the dresser! 

Settling in as roommates for the night. :) I guess it is the least I can do for all the nights I kept Dad up with my crying as a premie. 

 This baseball playing, motorcycle riding, devoted dad and hubby, collector of his only daughter's creations circa 1997, Air Force veteran who loved flying and jumping out of planes, is so deserving of all the prayers he can get! 💕 

Charlotte Annie is four!

To the one who reminds me daily to keep looking up and to stay- -
To the one who gives me my "why" each day - -
To the one who holds my heart and shares a birthday week with me - -
To the one I want to be proud of me and love me in spite of what I can't be - -

How has it been four years since I first held and laid eyes on you?
Thank you for being the greatest (birthday) gift and my favorite view.

Happy 4th birthday to our one and only: Charlotte Annie! <3

Many thanks to Buckeyes & Babies for capturing her spirit through these birthday photos!

It's been 20 days since Charlotte Annie turned four and since we were at one of her favorite places for her party.  Like many others, we are currently spending our days indoors as we practice social distancing and engage in self-contained quarantine measures due to the coronavirus.  We have been logging in a lot of play time and extra hours together as a family unit with working from home, learning from home, and just being in our home.

Charlotte loves the movie, Frozen II, right now and especially playing with her baby Elsa and grown up Elsa these days.

Charlotte continues to be a little girl who is full of energy and seemingly never tires.  Just yesterday, alone, she was awake from 9am until 12:37am without any naps.  We had tried to wear her out through a nice long walk in our hilly neighborhood and through doing some gymnastics exercises from home as we watched online.  I hope, when she grows up, that she is able to use her energy and zeal for life for good!

Continuing our tradition of using this annual "I am ___" banner in the birthday pictures!  <3

As a newly turned four year old, Charlotte continues to display sass, charm, knows what she wants, and is unafraid to express her wishes to others.  She's very vocal and expressive but at times can become very shy and need prompting when interacting with others.  Back in June, when she had her belated 3 year old check up (due to our living in Austria when she turned three), she was 36 inches tall and weighed 28 lbs.  She absolutely loves playing with babies and likes to say she's a "babysitter" or "big sister" when she helps Mommy with watching some of the children who have come to our home over the last year.  The other day, she overheard me telling Adam about my wanting to help out a colleague with childcare during this crazy time of the coronavirus.  He joked, "Charlotte can be a babysitter!"  Charlotte came running out to the kitchen where we were talking and said, "Mommy!  Mommy!  I want to be a big sister!  I want us to have a baby."  🙏

Charlotte's favorite activities these days are to play hide and seek, to help with preparing meals, going on walks, to continue picking up and collecting rocks, painting and coloring, and playing with PlayDoh.  She loves singing (especially Let It Go), Paw Patrol, playing with her toys (her dollhouse is her favorite right now), and snuggling with her puppies when not chasing them throughout the house.

Charlotte continues to enjoy watching videos of babies...so much so that she requests that she watch, "babies on Daddy's green phone" as she did last year.  Playing with her dolls and building houses and castles using her Legos are other favorite ways to spend her time.  She began going to school this past August.  She attends a local Montessori classroom for three through six year olds three days a week.  It's been a joy seeing her grow as she shares what she is learning at school and sings new songs she has learned from her teacher and classmates.  Lately, she has been keeping track of when she can do things by saying, "Maybe we can do that in the mornin'!  Oh, thank you, Mama!" 

Other things our little miracle baby enjoys are to build a tower using her blocks, lining up her colorful dominos in lines all over the floor or coffee table, and receiving piggy back rides.  She also enjoys spending time with her cousins and friends.  In fact, some of them were able to help celebrate her turning four on her actual birthday at her Frozen-themed birthday party.  Looking FOURward to seeing what the next year will bring!  ;)

Holding a butterfly Mommy bought with her friend, Sha, when in Venice last year.  Each time we see this lacy butterfly, we say a special prayer for our intricate one-of-a-kind friend.  I was so thankful that my photographer friend was willing to incorporate this butterfly into the photo shoot.

 

Some of the many faces of our girl.  ;)

Keep on kickin', squealing, & filling up every square inch of your Daddy's and Mommy's hearts, baby girl!

Other things she enjoys doing are to pretend to put makeup on with everything - - in this case a paintbrush.

Can't forget about doing our nails, either!

Then we line up our makeup utensils.  ;)

Take rests.

Avoid pictures/papparazzi!

Be silly with Mama!