Who I am

In January, I had my portfolio defense (similar to comps in other PhD programs) and successfully defended my artifacts.  That didn’t come without a price to pay though.  In spite of my pride in what I had done and hard work, it wasn’t enough for some of my committee members.  I was told that I wasn’t scholarly enough among other criticisms.  I felt like if I can’t be good at this then what is the point?! 

How true that is in life.  No matter what you do, you won’t be able to please everyone.  Does that mean you should throw in the towel and not give it your best shot?  Absolutely not!  Does that mean that you should resign yourself to just being average?  No, keep plugging away at your weaknesses and trying to improve.  Does that mean you should defer to others around you who shine brighter than you?  I don’t think so.  I think that you should get back up and keep persevering. 

I came away from my portfolio meeting feeling as if I can’t measure up and as if my future plans are limited due to my abilities.  However, I have high expectations of myself, always have, and probably always will.  When someone tells me I can’t do something or that it’s not good enough, I work that much harder to try to prove them (and me) wrong.  At the same time, I don’t want to lose sight of who I am, what I stand for, and what my purpose is God-willing.  Would it be better to be a Meg who is working so hard to be someone I’m not to meet the expectations of others and satisfy their perceptions?  Or would it be better to be an authentic version of myself, flaws and all?  No one is perfect.  This I know.  We all have something, an Achilles heel or some sort of weakness in which we could stand to strengthen.  What’s on my heart today is how do we get through those times where it just seems like no matter what, we can’t measure up to others’ expectations?  What or who is your support system?  I was reminded yesterday that without support, we have nothing.  Not to be melodramatic but think about it!  Think of when you’ve just had a horrible day…how do you handle it?  Do you call a parent or close sibling and vent?  Do you go home and cry to your spouse or best friend?  Do you take long solitary walks with your pup or cuddle with your cat until you feel better?  Do you pray and seek meaning in all this?  Imagine then that you didn’t have that support.  How would one deal with these feelings?

So in thinking about future plans, I very much enjoy traveling (except when I get lost..thank you 95, 495, 695, 66, and oh 95 again yesterday) and really really really like presenting at conferences.  I love sharing what I have learned in my research with others, bouncing ideas off of other people, collaborating with my colleagues and co-presenting with them, learning from others, and seeing reactions to what we’ve done in our presentations.  One of my favorite experiences with presenting occurred at last year’s Graduate Student Creativity and Expo.  This is a forum that was started at my school last year in which 80+ students competed in six different categories by presenting their research.  My colleague, Sheresa, and I presented and won in our category.  That is not why I enjoyed it so much..really, it’s not.  What I loved about the experience was the fact that it was hands-on, interactive, dynamic, and purely done by the students.  Rather than being set up like an academic conference in which we create posters and stand next to them as folks ask about the research, we get to think outside the box and be CREATIVE in presenting our ideas.  If you happen to be at or near UNCG on Tuesday, April 2^nd, come find us and learn about “When Your Car is Your Classroom” and hear how itinerant teachers of students who are deaf/hard of hearing collaborate with others.  I loved having conversations with folks who were curious to learn about what it was we were doing at the time and seeing these folks soak up the knowledge was very gratifying.  It’s so rewarding and refreshing talking to people who are actually interested in what it is I’m doing.  It almost helps to make up for conversations held elsewhere when a glazed look comes across the listeners’ faces as I explain my research to them.  ;)  So, I’m excited to compete at the student expo again with two other colleagues in early April.  There are 120+ students participating this year so it will be even bigger and better this year! 

So, back to the fall out from my portfolio meeting, I was a little bit crushed when conversations that were held reflected the lack of faith in me as a future researcher when I thought of the possibility of not doing research anymore or presenting at conferences.  No more networking opportunities, no more growing in my learnings by attending sessions of other researchers, no more trying to better the field by contributing in my own small way through projects, no being taken seriously or being thought of as “good enough” to be a researcher, and no more seeing cities I wouldn’t normally see.  Those were the thoughts that were running through my mind in the days following my portfolio meeting.  IT resurrected the feelings of not feeling accepted or good enough when I was rejected as a Fellow when I applied back in January 2010.  However, I can’t be bitter or resentful of that decision.  If it weren’t for my applying for the Fellowship, I wouldn’t have been offered an Assistantship and I wouldn’t have applied to UNCG in the first place.  Looking back at my time spent in NC, I wouldn’t have met some of the incredible people in my life today as a result. 

Yes, I moved on from my “old” purpose of being a teacher of students with hearing loss in Pennsylvania, but I’m always going to have remnants of that old purpose infused throughout future endeavors.  My “new” purpose is to try to make a difference in the up and coming new wave of teachers wherever I may go next.  Yes, I would absolutely LOVE to move back to York (and teach at York College of PA dare I say?!) but realistically, I need to go where I can find a job. 

If I hadn’t been rejected as a Fellow, would I have still gone to NC?  Who knows?!  I’ll never forget in the days leading up to my leaving York, one of my friends, Ralph, took me aside.  He probably doesn’t remember this but while our friends were conversing and having a fun time, he went out of his way and asked how I was really feeling about everything.  Before I could respond, he said, “I bet you’re excited about the move but a bit apprehensive of the change.  You want to look ahead but you’re also scared about it.  It can be intimidating and nerve wracking to make such a big change as the one you are about to make.”  You see, Ralph had just moved to York and knew a little something about what I was going through….it took all I could to not let the tears fall in that moment of compassion he displayed toward me and I think of that conversation each time I look at the beautiful Brenda Wintermyer painting of York County he and Bryan gave me as a going-away gift.  I don't have that picture on my computer but here is a fun picture with Ralph from a Halloween party during my last Fall in PA.

Yes, my being in NC has caused me to miss out on both family and friend events at home but the distance and my absence have (hopefully) helped to strengthen old friendships, I grew in my faith, and a direct result of being in NC has caused me to discover the music of Kim Kalman.  Her voice and beautiful message have provided many moments of reassurance since meeting her in Feb. 2011.  I’ve had to become even more resourceful than when I lived in PA considering I am making less than half of what I made as a teacher as a poor graduate student and I go without pay in May, June, July, and August.  I’ve done this by becoming a Living Social/Groupon junkie and by babysitting as often as I can.  I also would not be able to be in NC if weren’t for the generosity of my brother and his family.  

Now that I am more than halfway through my program and the light at the end of the tunnel is getting larger and larger for Dusty and me, I’m realizing that I’m about to come upon another crossroads in my life.  For someone who doesn’t do well with change, the last 3 years have been nothing but that!  I’ve made new friends, had some laughs (and tears), and have hurt a lot but also loved deeply.  No, Dusty and I are not going to walk off into the sunset without a care in the world come May 2014 but I do want to keep improving and striving to be the best version of myself I can be.  In spite of what others want or say for me, I want to continue to be a student-focused teacher, build and foster relationships with my students and colleagues rather than being a distant and aloof professor, and don’t necessarily agree that I should try to be someone I’m not by holding back or setting boundaries because that would be being true to myself.

Obviously, since my meeting was held in January and it’s now March, I’ve been pondering these thoughts for a while now.  I really need to work on the fact that if I hear 5 positive things but one negative thing about myself or performance, I latch on to the negative and give it more importance than the positives.  I’m so glad that we are all works in progress and can continually learn and try to grow from our weaknesses.  Thank goodness for redemption and 2^nd chances!!  When I think back to those initial days right after my portfolio defense in January, and the crushing blow I felt in terms of being told I wouldn’t be a good fit at a research school, I feel the love from my support system all over again.  Here are some conversations that were held in the days following my meeting:

Me:  I was told I wouldn’t do well at a big research school.  Perhaps York College would be a perfect fit for me.  I was told my lack of research knowledge is nothing to be embarrassed of…talk about feeling like I can’t measure up  2 days in a row…makes me wonder if all the work I’ve done up til now has been looked at as “subpar”.

Sister-in-law:  You wouldn’t be there if you were subpar.  Your talents are probably where your passion is.  Is that research or something else?  I hope you have a better day!  Have some extra frozen yogurt later!!!

Best friend:  Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.  Nobody is perfect and that is what makes the world go-round.  Focus on your strengths and what makes you you.  You are wonderful!  God created you just the way he wanted.  :)

Other best friend:  Don’t feel bad!  I’m sure your research knowledge is way better than 90% of people!  Besides it’s not like you wanted a big research school anyway!

Other best friend:  But you prob rock in applied knowledge-my counseling students in evals said I wasn’t a “real” psychologist because I only knew research.

How blessed am I to have these girls in my life who ground me and remind me of what is really important.  Have I ever said that I wanted to be a big time researcher?  Have I ever envisioned that I would be one?  Or have I always wanted to work with student teachers and college students who are starting their path toward becoming tomorrow’s teachers?  Whom did I say I hope to be like one day?  Thankfully, these conversations reminded me of my purpose.  Does this mean that I’m going to forget everything I’ve learned in the last 3 years?  No!  Does it mean I will never do research once I leave the grounds of UNCG?  I sure hope not!  Now that I’m about to set out and do my pilot study, MY research is about to begin and boy is that exciting!!

Ah, back to the question of who am I?  That is what this posting boils down to now that I think about it…..from who I was to who am I now to who will I be?  Those were the thoughts I’ve been ruminating over since January and I had been itching to get these thoughts down on paper for several weeks.  It wasn’t until the past few days when the phrase, “Who am I?” kept coming up for me over and over…from my time at the Association of College Educators for Deaf/Hard of Hearing (ACE-DHH) conference that was spent with Fellows and other graduate students (like myself), to preparing for my pilot study that deals with identity to the mass gospel last week.  We heard the statement, “I AM” and learned about who it is God says He is and we say He is in the homily.  Then, on Tuesday, I attended a teaching philosophy workshop on campus in which the leading exercise consisted of writing a list of “Who I am” traits.  The next day, while attending another workshop for the upcoming expo, the presenter specifically asked us as researchers, who are you?  What is your passion?  One of the other students brought up one of my favorite topics, The Golden Circle, by Simon Sinek.  This made me laugh on the inside because I was criticized for citing this very concept at my portfolio defense since it wasn’t scholarly enough.  If you have 18.5 minutes, watch this!! 

Then, that night when I got home, I opened up my mail to find this. 

See what the first line says?  Discover more about who you are and what you were created to be...!!

Yes, it certainly feels like I’m currently in limbo right now.  I’m on the verge of starting my pilot study, which will put me that much closer to the dissertation study and beyond to graduation.  I’m a student but I’m a teacher.  I’m a graduate assistant but also a researcher.  I’m a sister, daughter, and aunt.  I’m a friend and colleague.  I’m Dusty’s person.  When I left school yesterday, after another colleague asked herself, “Who am I?” when discussing the transition from teacher to doc student to wife to everything else we need to be, I pondered these thoughts once again.  Then, Kim Kalman’s song “Who am I” and “Daughter of God” came on the radio.  Yes, no matter whether I’m a researcher or a babysitter or unemployed….I’m a daughter of God and that is enough.  Later on, during my trip, before I got lost mind you, I heard Fr. Michael Schmitz say these words on one of the Lighthouse Media Cds I was listening to (by the way, he will be at the Ignited by Truth conference in Raleigh in April!!):

We are not defined by attractions!  We are accepted with respect and compassion.  We are made for greatness.  That is our dignity because we were made in the image of God.  Yes, we all struggle with something but we should unite the suffering!  Through self mastery, prayer, & sacramental grace we can overcome the weakness(es).  We may feel our sins are too big and are ashamed but they’re NOT too big for Jesus.  You are bigger than weaknesses.

The last line really struck home for me.  I AM bigger than my weaknesses.  So, I may not be as strong in research as some of my colleagues.  I may need to spend more time on my writing than others.  It may take me longer to process information at the PhD level than my peers.  This is such a shift from my previous schooling experiences when I used to be at the top of my classes and the go-to person for information.  But that’s okay.  I am bigger than my weaknesses at this level and am not defined by them.  I will simply have to look for a job that values me for what I am strong in…I will have to search for a good match in what fits my beliefs and purpose regardless of others’ perceptions or expectations for me.  So, yes, when I look at where I’ve been, how far I’ve come, and where I’m going, I’m proud of my hard work but also realize that I have a long road of me, as do we all.  Let's just hope I can hang on to this resolve and come out unscathed at my dissertation proposal meeting in April...eek!