Sometimes the little things are what mean the most.
A slice of a layered chocolate cake with cream cheese icing a neighbor made as a welcome to the neighborhood gift that takes the edge off the hunger.
A little brother sharing a Youtube video of a favorite band's concert instructing you to listen to a certain part that pertains to your livelihood.
A new colleague and one of your housemates also popping into your office to wish you luck as you head off to your first day of teaching.
Texts from your sisters-in-law letting you know they're thinking of you.
A housemate checking in to say goodnight as you work yet another long night in unpacking and getting organized with schoolwork and putting the office together.
It is receiving a gift you were meant to receive back in March when you accepted the job from your new colleagues. Apparently it didn't make it to me in the mail in NC and was hand delivered to my office in Ohio instead. I can't wait to wear the fuzzy warm FUS sweatshirt with pride and will enjoy looking at this card in my office each day.
Students who share the same values as you - - - there seems to be an authenticity about them and true spirit for service! I can't wait to get to know them better this semester.
A loving fiance who tells you to not worry when there is not enough money in the account to cover the bills and the long awaited pay day is not for another looooong 28 days because a) what will it solve and b) things will work out in the long run in spite of the rough patches now.
Parents (and friends) who excitedly call, leave voicemails, and text asking how the first couple days of a new job are going.
An advisor who still thankfully advises and shares her wisdom even though I've "flown the coop".
Taken individually these are all small things but when put together, they are huge...especially when battling dark days. Yes, today the sun is brilliantly shining, the fall-that-will-soon-be-here-breeze is blowing through the windows, and I've got my cuddle bug by my side yet there is a sadness and an ache within me. At first I thought it was due to financial stress (I realized last night that my bank has started charging me a monthly fee since there has been no direct deposit since late April when I last got paid) and many wedding expenses are looming over the very near horizon in spite of the balance dipping dangerously to a big fat zero. Then, I thought these restless feelings might be from anxiety over the new job and teaching. Last night, during my third class of the day, after having made a couple mistakes, it took nearly four hours of working on the calendar/syllabus and fielding emails from students before I felt satisfied with the corrections I had made. Or maybe it's because the explorer in me is itching to get out there and see what's around these parts. This is the longest I have lived somewhere without going out and seeing what's around here. Granted it has been less than a month but with traveling, getting situated at work, and trying to unpack/get organized, in addition to the lack of finances, there hasn't been time nor the means to go out and seek adventure. Perhaps it's the fight or flight instinct kicking in but I want nothing more than to go explore and find something new to experience but due to circumstances I can't right now. Then there is always the missing Adam part even thought we "see" each other everyday on Skype. His sense of humor definitely helps though. Just now when I mentioned a new restaurant that was opening in this town, a buffet, he said that I should play this song (Patrick, you will like this) on the way to the restaurant:
I wonder what it is that God wants me to work on...perhaps it's to continue growing in patience...to work on self discipline...to bear my crosses with more grace and humility (aka less complaining)? Perhaps it is all of the above in terms of growing in these virtues...yes, truly a little bit of everything!
However, this morning, while reflecting on all the changes that have occurred in so quick a time when I think back to last fall, I sit back in amazement. A year ago, I was starting out a new school year just like I am now but down in North Carolina. I had spent the summer prepping for the one course I was teaching (like how I prepped for the four I have this year). I'm so grateful for the experiences and opportunities I had while at UNCG to further expand and grow my skills. Without them, I surely would have had a more difficult time this past summer preparing for Ohio! Several housewarming and congratulatory cards I received from friends recently all expressed the same underlying sentiment....at all the happy news going on in my life...graduating, getting a new job, moving to a new state, getting married in 268 days (yay!)...yes, it's enough to make your head spin (multiple times). As one co-friend put it, "your life has been a whirlwind...but we would expect nothing less!" Mom lovingly wrote in a card, "Dad and I are right beside you. Adam is too. But more than anyone, the Lord is holding your hand and even pulling you forward leading you to the places and people of your future". Yes, He is doing this even if I want to stay holed up inside and try to keep things as they are or if I think I can't because of budgets (or lack thereof). He will always provide a way even when you think there is no way. So then why the periods of darkness when by all accounts, life should be all glittery and made of brightness right now? I think I stumbled upon it today when praying and reflecting. First, we wouldn't appreciate the good times if we didn't have the bad times. Ok, cliches aside....St. Augustine, who's feast day is today, more eloquently states,
"Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would not have been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace...Our hearts are restless until they rest in you O Lord".
That quote is full of imagery but what struck me was my sense of wanting to explore the area and feeling a sense of restlessness with not being able to focus long enough to get things unpacked or to finish a project or adequately plan for a lesson. Am I looking to fill up my time with being adventurous when I should rather instead focus on being still and looking inward? Perhaps this is why funds have run out when they did. Perhaps this is why the lows are given to us...so we can look upward and reach higher than we have in the past.
Another reference to St. Augustine I reflected on today comes from Pier Giorgio Frassati, an inspiration behind many young adults groups across the world and also someone I admire. In my eyes, he is a terrific example of how us young folks should live out our vocations as Catholics while being in this world but not of the world:
"Meanwhile, these days I alternate my arid studies with the most beautiful readings of St. Augustine; my soul has never till now experienced so forcefully such infinite pleasure, because through those powerful Confessions one feels a little of the joy that is reserved for whoever dies in the Sign of the Cross. Today I bitterly regret having wasted my time and to have waited till this advanced age to savor such pure joy." -- From a letter to his friend Marco Beltramo,1924
Reading this quote reminds me of all the books Adam and I have been reading. We both have different copies of the book Frassati refers to in his quote above so I'm looking forward to the time when Adam and I will read the books together to compare the differing versions. Right now we're in the middle of reading a Dave Ramsey (The Total Money Makeover) book and a Kimberly Hahn (Life-Giving Love) book so have been learning a lot in the way of money and children that has been helping us when discerning our future plans. How fortunate we are to have these resources and better still, to have found someone who is willing to spend the time exploring and learning new things together. I pray that never changes!
Speaking of which, I think it's about time Dusty Shamrock and I get out there and explore more of this neighborhood during our daily walk. It seriously feels like we've gone back in time living in this little corner of Ohio. The ice cream truck comes around most evenings complete with the jingling music, children are active and actually playing outside rather than being glued to technology and TV, doors and windows are left open long into the night where the lights twinkle through the etched glass, fathers throw baseballs to their sons in the front yard (saw Dr. Scott Hahn doing just that the other night), mothers push their babies in strollers on the sidewalks, people safely walk the streets throughout all hours of the day, neighbors call hello to one another from their porches and cars, and welcoming cakes are distributed to newbies like my housemates and me. These last few days of summer remind me of summers from the past in Dayton, Aliquippa, and Frackville. It's been great experiencing all of this during this transition time and waiting period in my life. I definitely do look forward to experiencing it with Adam less than a year from now!
After a year of cultivating more patience, growing in self-discipline, increasing moderation, working on my relationship with God, and practicing more control, the reward will be to have my husband at my side as we explore all that God has to offer in the bright future! However, the present is equally as glittery and sparkly and I can't wait to see what will happen next...every little bit of everything, no matter how big or small they may be, and the ups and downs as they all weave together to create this wonderful thing we call life!!
"Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world" ~ Archbishop Desmond Tutu
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