Day 1 ~ Monday, 05/16/16
After Charlotte's appointment, she and I dropped Adam off at the house and hit the road.
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| Sleeping soundly with her stuffed bear that was her first toy. Sadly it was lost during the road trip!! |
She had fallen asleep on our way back to the house from the pediatrician's office and wound up staying asleep the entire drive to PA!! After all that worry that she would need fed, I would have to stop multiple times, that she would be fussy, and anything else that could have occurred, she slept peacefully from 10:15am until 2:45pm!!
After driving nonstop for four hours, we met up with my former roommate and best friend from my 20s, Ashley, at a family restaurant in Hershey. She was the first friend, other than those in Ohio, to meet Charlotte!!
The server was very friendly, the flatbread we ordered was yummy, and the folks in the restaurant didn't seem to mind Charlotte's fussiness. I can't really fault her for being a bit noisy when she was so peacefully quiet during the long trip across three state lines! It was wonderful getting caught up with Ashley and makes me miss the days of living together and being able to chit chat about anything and everything whenever we wanted but I'm grateful for our visits when we can squeeze them in here and there. We were lucky she happened to be off work on the very same day we were passing through and that she was willing to drive an hour's distance from her home to visit with us!
Once we said goodbye to Ashley we headed north and 45 minutes later walked in the front door of my parents' house. My parents had just finished watching some of their other grandchildren (we probably passed one another on the highway going in opposite directions!) and in came their newest granddaughter less than an hour after my niece and nephews had left the house. These grandchildren and grandbabies sure are keeping my parents busy in their retirement! My parents' neighbors also benefit from the action as they enjoy popping in now and then to see the children like Ann Marie did within five minutes of Charlotte's and my arrival. Her excitement over seeing Charlotte in person for the first time was so sweet.
Something else that was sweet about this first evening back home was having my first Heisler's treat of the summer! Dad and I made the drive out into the countryside in the mountains to have some delicious ice cream. It was too chilly that evening to sit outside under the stars so we sat in his car talking and enjoying our delectable treats as Mom cared for Charlotte back at the house.
Day 2 ~ Tuesday, 05/17/16
Charlotte accompanied my parents to Carlisle to help babysit my two nephews my parents watch two times a week while I stayed behind to do errands and go to a hair appointment. It was a joyful reunion for the cousins as the boys are still completely smitten with Charlotte.
While at the beauty school for my hair appointment, the young beauty school student asked if I was married and did I have kids. When I said yes she asked if we planned to have more. This question never seems to get any easier and still knocks a bit of wind out of me when I hear it. I answered briefly saying that there were some complications that resulted in a hysterectomy so Charlotte was our miracle baby and left it at that. Her casual off handed response as she shrugged and said, "At least you got one" did not help my spirits but I tried to push it out of my mind by thinking of other things. Then, as my hair was being washed and I was leaning back in the chair staring up at the bright lights above me on the ceiling, I had flashbacks to the last time I was laying down like that looking up at bright lights. Even though I was sitting in a beauty school in the mountains of Pennsylvania, in my mind I was instantly back in Ohio when I awoke from the surgery the night Charlotte was born looking up at the bright lights above me trying to figure out where I was and process all that had happened that day. As the fog from the anesthesia lifted, questions zipped through my mind. Did we really have our baby? A little girl??!! Where is she? Where is Adam? Are my parents with him? Why does my stomach hurt SO bad? Why am I thirsty? Did the doctors "fix" everything? {At this point, I hadn't remembered that the surgery was for a hysterectomy.} I couldn't stop replaying that night as my hair was shampooed and washed. I recalled how I instinctively tried to sit up in the bed upon coming to and being pushed back down in the bed by the pain in my stomach from the incision. I remembered being wheeled back to my room where my family waited and the first glimpses I had of my parents, Charlotte, and Adam as they waited for my return. As I slowly recalled the day's events as the fogginess lifted, I was confused and unsure of what had happened and what had been a dream...so much so that I called Adam over to my bedside and asked him if I had dreamt about the conversation with our doctor in the operating room and did I dream that I had a hysterectomy. When he said no, it wasn't a dream and had really happened, it was like hearing the news for the first time all over again. Even now, just thinking about this as I reread this post from mid-May, makes my eyes water up all over again. These were all the thoughts and conversations that were floating around in my mind as I lay there staring up at the lights in the beauty school. The bright lights that can't help but shine down on the stark reality of what is happening in your life no matter how tightly you squeeze your eyes shut to block it all out...so you have no choice but to continue and go through the motions feeling your way through the dark even within the most brightly lit rooms. The darkness is there, even if just a switch away, but so is the beauty and I see that each time I look down at Charlotte's most precious face.
After we returned to the station to have my hair be dried and styled, about 20 minutes later, someone came in to the beauty school with a newborn who looked super small compared to Charlotte's now seemingly big 11 lbs. 4 oz. and 22.5 inch long frame (ah she is now 13 lbs. 11oz and 24.5 inches long...growing too fast for this Mama!). This itty bitty baby cradled in the woman's arms made me realize something. Seeing a sweet newborn so small like that reminded me again that with passing day and each new "first" Charlotte encounters, we get farther and farther away from the beginning days. Before Charlotte's arrival, I had assumed that the pregnancy we were experiencing would be the first of many. Now, being on the other side, and knowing there will never be another first of that kind, that I won't be able to physically give birth to a new little one, to cradle the newborn I birthed in my arms, to watch him or her grow and develop like we are currently doing with our precious Charlotte from the day of birth provides a bittersweet feeling. I love seeing Charlotte grow and thrive and it is so incredibly exciting experiencing all the new things with her but on the other side of the highs are the lows in recognizing that there won't be biological younger brothers or sisters to follow in her footsteps. I am trying so hard to not compare and to try to just simply stay in the present moment but it's really hard and some days I struggle with it more than others. In hindsight, as I finally find time to write (alas, at 1am on Wednesday night), I'm realizing that by being so busy with caring for Charlotte, trying to keep the house in order, and back to school prepwork, I'm not allowing myself to face these feelings or sort through them. While home, something as simple as seeing a funny statement my little brother wrote on my Mom's Mother's Day card makes me smile at the humor but then also feel sad over the fact that Charlotte won't be able to say the same joke....(The card said, "Being a Mom is incredible work and demanding" before saying other things about being a mom. Patrick had scrawled in the margins after the word demanding "because of the other three" implying that he never gave Mom trouble but his siblings did...ha!). However, I must keep in mind that Charlotte will have her own jokes and will find humor and joy in other ways!!
So, yeah, when I came home after my appointment and running some errands that afternoon, and waited for the return of my parents and sweet Charlotte, I couldn't help but let out a good cry. I don't know if it was due to missing Adam who was two states away from me, being in the house by myself missing our sweet girl and my parents, or from lack of sleep (perhaps all of the above eh?!) but boy oh boy did I have a good boohooin' before taking some time to journal. Having allowed the release of the emotions and tears in addition to writing made me feel so much better. And peanut butter cups and chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate/peanut butter combinations. Yes, I am indeed looking forward to a summer of hopefully getting back into a routine as soon as I feel physically able to do so.
Later that evening, Melanie made the hour commute to my hometown to enjoy a Chinese food dinner, some snuggles with Charlotte, and to fill me in on what has been happening in her life. She gave us the most adorable onesie that pays homage to the best state ever (in my humble opinion) that I can't wait to dress Charlotte in when she's a little bit older. I can always count on Mel to give us Pennsylvania inspired gifts and I love them!
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| Watching her first baseball game! |
Day 3 ~ Wednesday, 05/18/16
It was nice having a lazy quiet morning as the day's activities didn't get started until the afternoon when Mom, Charlotte, and I went to my ear doctor/audiologist appointment at 2pm. I loved being able to introduce my daughter to my audiologist whom I've been seeing since I was 7 or 8 years old!! I had to hold back a smile when Kay conducted an informal hearing test on her by snapping her fingers and moving them quickly to see if Charlotte would localize the sound (which she did with flying colors!). She passed her universal newborn hearing screening at birth but we're going to probably have her take a hearing test at the age of one as well. In the evening, my parents and I took Charlotte to a local restaurant where we met up with one of my teachers from high school for dinner. The last time I saw this teacher was at the story book themed baby shower in January my family had hosted for us so it was especially exciting to see Miss Brown again and to watch her interact with Charlotte. Charlotte did such a terrific job of holding herself up, looking around, and maintaining eye contact with others. A couple patrons in the restaurant fussed over her which was cute.
Day 4 ~ Thursday, 05/19/16
Tonight was spent driving about an hour or so to Allentown to visit with Monika and Heather! Monika was my first friend from college when we met in the dorms during the first week at IUP. Heather and I go back to high school when we worked together. These two ironically live about a half hour or so from each other so it was great being able to swing by Monika's house then meet up with Heather at a nearby mall on the way back to my parents' house later that evening.
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| It is so surreal to see such a treasured friend holding your child. I can't wait for Charlotte to hear all the stories about the fun times Mommy and Monika have had over the years!! |
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| Well, we can't say she lacks in expressions! ; ) |
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| I love seeing the smiles on both of these faces!! It warms my heart! |
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| This night was also the last time Charlotte had her adorable stuffed bear from the hospital with her (you can see it in the first picture at the start of this posting). Unfortunately, I lost it at the mall and even after calling the restaurant and mall later in the week to see if it had been turned in to lost and found, the beloved bear didn't appear. Hopefully I can work on making a new one for her before August!! Fingers crossed this happens!! |
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| Pappy and Grammy were happy to have one last night with Charlotte before we hit the road the next morning to go pick up Grandma from the airport who was flying in to meet her for the first time!! |
At the conclusion of our mother/daughter trip, as I drove west, I realized that as Charlotte meets my friends and the smiles are being passed around as she is being held by friend after friend, I'm also experiencing sadness at the thought she is the only baby I will physically bear and be able to introduce to them. I can't stop thinking about the what ifs and should have beens and all the possible little children and souls Adam and I would have met. While each day with Charlotte is new and exciting it is also taking us further and further away from her itty bitty small start as she gets older and bigger. I can hardly believe she is already 2.5 months old. I just want to freeze time if I can't slow it down but I can't help but reflect on the fact that I want time to stop or slow down is not necessarily a good thing to want or desire. When is stopping or not moving forward and learning and continuing to grow and evolve a good thing?! So I shouldn't wish for things to stop or go slower but perhaps instead, should continue to try to focus on being fully present in the moment and making the best of the situation. Charlotte's extraordinarly beautiful presence in our lives is a daily reminder that I need to continue to put one foot in front of the other. And each time I feel the sting and pain of the way things have unfolded I need to let it serve as a reminder to practice abandonment more and more...abandonment of my old dreams....abandonment of expectations...turning over with abandon to acceptance and more gratitude of all that we do have. I've said it elsewhere but this experience is teaching me that perhaps I wasn’t really open to God’s will as I had tried to be through having expectations of what I had hoped for and struggling when the reality shifted oh so tremendously in a different direction from what I had imagined and envisioned for myself. I thought I was open, but when God presented something outside of my vision, it got too uncomfortable and messy. It wasn't what I had focused on for so long and is/was hard to accept. I read these wise words the other day,
When we are comfortable we don’t recognize a need for anything. We think: “I’m fine.” I don't mind (fill in the blank) so we don’t really make the efforts to change or whatever it is God is calling us to do. It’s easy to get stuck in this place. So when God puts a desire on our heart for something more it is actually a gift.
I need to perhaps offer up the seemingly always there on the edge ready to fall tears as a prayer and sacrificial offering for others who are also grieving in addition to continually seek what God's will is for not only me but for our family even if it looks so very different from what I had hoped for and planned. Then there are times, even as I'm crying it out, that I get so so so frustrated. Oh, how I wish we could follow the suggestion of the anesthesiologist who said just before my surgery that we could still conceive through use of modern medicine but the reality is that we can't due to our faith...and I want to feel
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