With the arrival of autumn, change is on the horizon which matches my mood lately. I am ready for a change. Lately, I have felt as if I were stuck in a rut spiritually and emotionally. When I look back at who I used to be and compare this to who I have become over the last 2.5 years, I mourn the woman I used to be. I want to be filled with optimism and hope for the future rather than sharing the space of gratitude and happiness with the ever present despair and longing that accompanied the other long lasting effects of the unexpected hysterectomy that was performed on Charlotte's birthday. The other day, I realized that Charlotte will never know me as I was prior to her arrival. For as long as she will remember, she will know a mom who had an air of wistful sadness about her mixed in with the unspeakable joy that comes with being her mom. Yes, I can actively strive to focus on the positive and be grateful but the unshakeable sadness will always be a part of me...but will hopefully lessen over time!
Next month, Adam and I will celebrate five years of knowing each other. Over the past five years, I got my PhD, we got married, I moved three times, we moved Adam cross country, got a puppy, bought a house, had our first and last child; all while teaching, researching, and serving in a new community...whew!
When I lost my fertility, I felt like my world had caved in and unsure of my footing on the slippery slope. I have always been someone who has had a plan even from a young age...a plan ensured knowing what I wanted and how to achieve it. My plan could change along the way, but as with the changing seasons, I could adjust to new scenery and eventually still reach my goal. However, with this life change that is so absolute--so final--so just....done...so many other things crumbled and withered away with it. Gone with the wind were our dreams of having a brood of siblings for Charlotte. Crunching underfoot were our desires to experience pregnancy for a second, third, and as many as possible other times. Fading to a dull brown were the other names we had thought of for future children.
Yes, with this sudden and drastic change in plans, it was different for me. Oftentimes, I feel like a shell of myself with new life blooming and blossoming all around me but I was dying inside unable to grow or bloom where I was planted much like what happens in the fall when vegetation dies and colors fade. I struggle with knowing what choices are best when I used to be so sure and confident. Life can be so busy and it all can be so very overwhelming especially when paralyzed or stuck in sorrow and pain. Over the last 2.5 years, I have learned to live with the barren essence that is my reality now. I am finding a new path; one without the large family Adam and I dreamed for ourselves but on a different path that is wide enough for our family of three (and pups) to put one foot in front of the other as we walk amidst the joy and sorrow. You know what though? The sun still shines through the canopy of leaves on this path and lights the way amidst the shadows.
I am learning to be a mommy to Charlotte Annie as we go but each day fall into the trap of wondering, "What if?", regarding other children who did not come to be...especially when others who were pregnant at the same time or after me announce pregnancies or give birth to siblings for their kiddos. I wonder about the little souls Adam and I could have met had we been able to birth other children. My mom mentioned once her own sadness about the grandchildren she didn't get to meet through us. Since she knew I had always wanted tons of children, she too had looked forward to the day we would have a house full of little ones. I hadn't considered what the pain I wish I didn't know might feel like for others in our families until she said that. Life can be so cruel and heartbreaking sometimes. Yet, we have been given new chances to embrace that which we might not otherwise choose for ourselves by the grace of God. 30 months have come and gone of trying to get unstuck and out of this rut. I am sick of this view and ready to get on with it. Mind over matter right?
I am still in the woods somewhere...these days, the path is being navigated by a busy and curious Charlotte Annie as I try to grow into being a more happy mom, wife, teacher, daughter, sister, advisor, and friend. Society, thanks to social media and pinterest, can make it difficult to show our true selves and easy to hide behind a facade but through writing and prayer, I am learning how to share about our loss when I, not unlike many others I would bet, would rather shy away from grief and tragedy. Thankfully, by the grace of God and with support of loved ones, I have learned to get up and keep going every day. Many days managing this secondary infertility has been so very overwhelming and incredibly lonely. I have had to live moment by moment instead of hour by hour or day by day for much of the last 2.5 years but I am still here. That has to mean something. There must be a purpose to all of this...for our family...my work...maybe for the community somehow?
The dark hours and days still come and I am learning to manage my anger and other emotions with all this as best I can. I know there are far bigger problems out there and I am so beyond grateful for the gift of our honeymoon baby and the life I do have. There is always some sort of growth or life to be found..even if just a tiny wildflower amidst some weeds along the path in the dark woods. My goal to help get out of this rut, is to keep trying to grow and finding something to be grateful for even if it’s simply that I kept us all alive today because that IS an accomplishment and something to treasure. The endless chores around the house, grading, trying to catch up on research, meeting the needs of the task forces, committees, and community help to keep my mind occupied. And just maybe... Maybe... to forgive myself as there was nothing I could have done differently during pregnancy or delivery to give Charlotte a different kind of life she will grow up having family-wise. I sure didn't see this one coming and I pray she will understand someday.
I share all this to not wallow...to not throw a pity party...to instead say; if you are struggling, I have been there. If you are hurting, I feel you. I am with you. Take time to go through the emotions. Find your support system or way of venting. Then get up and keep going. If you can’t, it’s okay to not be okay. I have been not okay for a while but each day keep trying... which hopefully makes a difference. Give yourself permission to say “no,” (another area in which I struggle!) let go, feel, forgive, and be happy again. Please don’t give up because God will provide!! Big hugs and love to all of those who have supported me through this journey, especially my husband. 💕
Autumn is a beautiful reminder to let go...watch those glorious fall colors emerge on the trees this season and with each falling leaf let a fear or a worry be released as God tends to us, His garden. I am going to continue to pour all of my heart and soul into our beautiful little blooming Charlotte. As much as I want to protect and encase her like a single rose under a glass, or as much as I wish she could be one precious flower in a garden of many fragrant flowers grown by Adam and me, I have to let her grow and bloom in her own right. Wow! If this is how I feel over our daughter, I can only imagine how God must feel about us - His sons and daughters. Let us all think of how we can grow and evolve in the upcoming season....bring on the fall and change in spite of plans!
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