Five year old Charlotte approached me when getting ready for mass tonight and said, "You smell good, Mama!" Thinking she was going to comment on my perfume (from Austria that smells soooooo good!), I said, "Oh, yeah? What does it smell like?" She responded saying, "You smell like love and joy." Cue melting of the heart! I said, "Wow! Where have you heard that??" She looked up at me and simply said, "I didn't. It's because of how you care for and take care of me" then she wrapped her little arms around my legs. Goodness gracious, y'all, I about melted on the spot.
Later, at mass, I struggled to get through the second half of mass. The homily had ended with a reminder of Father's Day coming up tomorrow which caused the warm tears to roll down my cheeks. It's so hard to believe this will be the second one without Dad here.
However, my NC anthem was the communion song towards the end of mass. As I listened to the familiar lyrics from Be Not Afraid, I felt comfort from God and from Dad as I thought of how he/He always protected me.
My earthly father was
the fixer of busted bike chains,
of clogged up hearing aid tubes,
tangled necklaces,
and broken hearts.
He was the tickle you awake alarm clock in high school and the can't say no to a last minute trip out to Heisler's for ice cream go to guy.
He was the can't get anything past you type of person because he most likely had done the silly thing your teenage self was trying to get away with (and had probably done worse).
He was my first GPS and no matter how lost I was he was able to get me turned around and pointed in the right direction again.
He was the proud to be an American person yet the last one to stand up and be recognized out of humility.
God has ensured my every need, even ones I wasn't aware of, was tended to in His garden all throughout my life. He has pruned the branches where I needed to be cut to grow again. He asks of me to have the faith of a mustard seed and will make me strong as I can do all things through Him....even the hard things like missing Dad's advice every single day, wishing I could get the answers to my questions I have for him, and simply, most of all, missing his laugh and that smile he would give me with the knowing look in his eyes. I can face the loneliness and the ache of missing my earthly Dad because I can turn to God and know He understands.
Take the grief and sorrow. Turn it to joy and love, Lord.
Last week, during a bible study gathering, I found myself questioning aloud why did Jesus have to take on human form? Why did he have to be exposed to temptation and to experience life as we do? Wasn't he all knowing because God is omniscient and could have been spared all that? Why did he need to gain a better understanding when he already knew? Part of the reason was so he could better relate to and understand our sufferings and situations. Someone said something to the effect of Jesus becoming man so he could know exactly what we have gone through...I surprised myself with blurting out, "But does he?? He is not a woman. He has not had a uterus ripped out of him." How dare I say that?! I have not hung from a cross. I have not had people turn on me, revile me, and crucify me. I have not paid the price for many when I was blameless.
However, I have been mulling over these thoughts this last week as I continue to read the letter to the Hebrews and I have come to realize that Jesus did not come here to understand, but rather, he came so we, as humans, could understand more about suffering. Jesus' suffering and mine are different but pain is pain. It doesn't hurt any less. It can still be offered up and given to God for Him to bless and transform it.
Over the last week, I have had the image of taking the daily suffering of secondary infertility and packaging it up in the hole where my womb should be. I have been imagining the invisible missing womb-shaped suffering being placed at God's feet so He can transform and mold it into something or into some way He can act through it.
The other constant suffering of drowning in the grief of losing Dad takes the form of a heart when I think about the shape and of my Dad's unmistakable hand grip. I can remember, as a small child, holding on to his thumb with my whole hand and feeling so secure. I imagine bundling up all the grief and stuffing it in the heart shape...then whatever can't fit in there is balled up and pressed into the hand I am clinging to... I imagine placing these at God's feet but am unsure how they will be transformed.
Maybe it is not for me to know right now but I again say, take the grief and sorrow, Lord. Turn it to joy and love and help me to be more like my favorite five year old in being satisfied with the here and now. Help me to proclaim with confidence, It is well!
Speaking of which, I am loving my new It is Well bracelet! That expression holds so much meaning for me & the cuff bracelet is so classic and elegant. Love the font, too. I purchased this bracelet as a replacement to a beautiful necklace I wore for five years after it broke. You can read more about that sweet gift here.
So, as I think back on the words from Be Not Afraid tonight, I am grateful for the men who are leaders and for the fathers who show tender mercy and care for their children. I have gratitude for the dads who physically and spiritually support others and provide for people in their care. May they all strive to follow St. Joseph's example and may we all lean into our heavenly Father. Thank you, God, for all the time I did have with my Dad and for the immense honor of walking alongside him his last several days this side of Heaven.
If today you hear His voice, harden not your hearts. Choose love & joy! They will get us through hard times and deserve to be focused on as much, if not more so, than sorrow and grief. May God transform our longings into true gratitude, love, and joy that we can then spread and share with others!
But you shall not die of thirst
You shall wander far in safety
Though you do not know the way
You shall speak your words to foreign men
And they will understand
You shall see the face of God and live
I go before you always
Come, follow me and I will give you rest
You shall not drown
If you walk amid the burning flames
You shall not be harmed
If you stand before the power of hell
And death is at your side
Know that I am with you through it all
I go before you always
Come, follow me and I will give you rest
For the kingdom shall be theirs
Blest are you that weep and mourn
For one day you shall laugh
And if wicked men insult and hate you
All because of me
Blessed, blessed are you
I go before you always
Come, follow me and I will give you rest
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