Being Filled

Whoa, this is pretty powerful. Yesterday was really rough with regard to not being able to have more kiddos. It was my first day back to work for the new semester and a colleague asked if I was having another baby. I was so shocked at the question I kind of froze. Apparently the way I was standing and the dress I wore made me look like I was pregnant. I stammered my way through saying no, I have fallen off the bandwagon of exercising and eating healthy over break when inside I was screaming oh I wish, I soooo wish we were as the tears threatened to fall.

Being back on campus again reminds me of the huge families that abound not only in our town but at work. That had been one of the reasons I wanted to come work here as I had wanted to be in an environment that supported my dream of a big Catholic family. Now it feels like such a huge burden and reminder of what can't be.

So when I saw this image during this morning's prayer time, it spoke straight to my wounded heart. My uterus was so brutally ripped away and abruptly taken away from me without much notice but only after our beautiful daughter had safely resided in it for nine months and not while she was still in the womb thank God. Yes, the uterus was taken away but not before it was filled with someone who helps to bridge the pain with her smiles and energy. God gave me His daughter for now because really we are all His children. What a gift and honor to be entrusted with the task of parenting this one precious child of God.

The hysterectomy has so utterly wrecked and many days it feels as if it has destroyed me. I have made no secret of that and if I am being truthful, it has affected all areas of my life probably in ways I have yet to explore and keep buried for fear of going deeper in to the painful abyss.  So to say it overturned me is putting it mildly but what I can overturn is my attitude and to try to see ways that I can be filled. I can try to not compare myself to the mothers of multiples I wanted to be. I can try to grow in my empathy of others when they express challenges they face over parenting and multitasking a larger brood instead of thinking wistfully how I wish I were in their shoes. I can try to overturn the feeling of jealousy and seek to embrace the joy I do have. Adam literally did this last night when I got home from work and tearfully recounted the  events if the day.  He had scooped up Charlotte in his arms and snuggled with her as I spoke to him. I am so grateful for the family I do have and need to allow that to fill me up rather than the despair.

So bring on the spiritual mothering through teaching and advising for the new semester. I am excited to meet my new students and a ministry that is near and dear to my heart is evolving. I am thankful I have my work and my family I can throw myself into and to be serving others in these ways. Lord, please help me to feel more filled rather than knocked over... Not my will but yours!