Red balloon surprises

Reality never really goes away does it. Today, it came in the form of staring at the words "25 weeks pregnant" written in the notes section after my name before they were deleted by the dental hygienist during my appointment this afternoon. So quickly those words were erased as she back spaced in updating her patient notes in what was a routine mundane part of her work day yet it made time stand still for me. If I had blinked, I would have missed seeing those words. As the dental hygienist scrolled down her computer screen, I recalled that doctor appointment from November 2015 and how giddy with excitement I was as I bantered back and forth with the hygienist that day saying I *only* had 15 weeks to go until meeting the little babe nestled inside me.

Next, I was snapped out of that reverie when I saw the big black letters that spelled out, "Hysterectomy 03/07/16", as I sat in that cold hard chair at the dentist's office with the fan blowing cold stale air down on me. You'd think by now just seeing that word or thinking of that date would not bring the hot tears or lump in my throat anymore. You'd think that the nonchalant way of the question of, "So you had a hysterectomy on March 7th, 2016 but have you had any other surgeries since then?" would just slide off me by now. So odd these questions were being asked even though I've been to the dentist multiple times since Charlotte's birth. I am going to chalk it up to the fact that I had a new hygienist today.

You'd think I would instead choose to stand in the light and bask in the joys and chaos of raising a 2.25 year old. That I wouldn't keep hearing the doctor's voice say, "we have to take the uterus" on auto loop over and over and over in my head as my mind drifts back to that night. Oh, what I would give to just permanently erase her voice and the sting of the message from my mind. I wish I could permanently turn the volume down on that phrase that continuously plays in my mind and instead increase the volume of Charlotte's laughter or a waterfall gushing by or the soothing tune of a beloved Bryan Adams or Kim Kalman song.

But to do so would change part of the story. The story that began the same night the other story ended. Sweet Charlotte's story was in the beginning stages and brought to light that night. This is the book I'm choosing to pick up and burying my nose in...this is the story I want to memorize and know every detail of...this is the choose your own adventure I was thrust into and I'm so thankful for the characters who jump off the pages each day as this story unfolds. God's creativity and love know no bounds and being the ultimate author already knows how it all goes.

Let me tell you about the current setting. He brought me to this little town four years ago. He led me to this community that is unlike any other. Yesterday, when heading out to a playdate with my cousins, we found a red balloon tied to our car by Charlotte's door. It even had a loop at the end of the string to fit on a small child's wrist. Now, did this balloon drift to our car and just happen to lodge itself near Charlotte's car seat or did someone put it there? Who knows?! What I do know is that I had one happy little girl who hugged that balloon the whole way to Pittsburgh area and insisted it go on the stroller when she and I took our evening walk. She squeals with glee each time she sees the balloon and I'm thankful for whoever orchestrated that surprise even if it was the wind (??!!).

Each page of our story contains the unknown, even if it's just a silly little toy that brings joy to a sweet innocent 2.25 year old little girl or if it's a routine appointment that rears pain's ugly thoughts but forces a struggling mom to turn to prayer all the more that night, and but it's still being written. These little surprises can help us to remember to let hope float much like the red balloon tries to do when the string is let go. Praise God the story is still being written instead of being a memoir of an unexpected ending thanks to the life saving hysterectomy that yielded both the biggest heartache and the biggest relief that I'm still here to be Mommy to the biggest surprise of all.