This is a quote I have been actively trying to embrace more these days. Yesterday was a particularly trying day after an unexpected conversation about family size with a stranger. While at lunch, another patron commented on our two year old then asked if we had any more children. I said no. She asked if we might have more? For the first time I said, "we'll see" then turned away from the woman to end the conversation. This was the first time I gave this sort of answer instead of saying a variant of the whole, "we had complications so she is the only child we will ever bear" story. After we left, my husband commented saying wouldn't you rather just tell the truth? I didn't feel I was lying but rather was ending the unwanted conversation by saying an open ended statement. I am just always caught off guard and don't want to be a hot mess when I get a bit teary at having to say we are unable to have more.... You would think I would have better composure after two years of living with this new truth.
I obviously need to have a better prepared way to answer the question that brings up so many emotions...I faced some of this while our ten and nine year old niece and nephew were with us for almost two weeks. Our first day of our annual summer trip together found us at the grocery store. As we were walking in, I experienced something I hadn't since living in North Carolina. When living down south, when taking my niece and nephews out on errands and out and about in the community, I used to get comments all the time about what sweet or beautiful children they were. I would smile and say, "Thank you! They are my niece and nephews and we sure do love them!" while anticipating the day I would hopefully have my own brood in tow someday. My years of nannying, babysitting, and even teaching and coaching always seemed to be preparing me for when it would be my turn.... Or so I thought.
So when I was entering Kroger with my niece, nephew, and daughter on the first day of our stay together, a sense of familiarity struck me when an elderly woman commented on what beautiful children I had. It had been years since I heard what used to be a regular phrase when I helped with my niece/nephews. Only this time, pain was there too instead of the joyful anticipation of what could be. The dear woman, one I see frequently at Adoration, had no idea what I was feeling over her statement and I simply smiled and said thanks. Mason and Clark giggled over the fact that someone thought their aunt was their mom and we moved on to the produce section.
A few days later, while taking all three to a trolley museum in a nearby state, we were patiently waiting for a streetcar to pick us up at our stop. An older gentleman glanced at us and asked, "Are these all your children?" to which I cheerfully said, "Yup! This one is my daughter and these two are my niece and nephew!" without thinking too much about it. I didn't feel pain this time but more matter of fact about it is what it is for lack of a better way of putting it.
Later, when reflecting and praying about these experiences, I felt extra thankful for the opportunity for Adam and me to provide not only Charlotte and my nieces and nephews with these summer memories but in a way, by doing something that my brothers and I may have taken for granted (growing up, we have cherished memories of doing these side little trips with our aunts with one sibling or just ourselves), I am finding healing. With the exception of the summer after Charlotte's birth, I have been involved in some way, shape, or form with my North Carolina niece and nephews. Since summer 2008 I either babysat them every other week, lived with them, or welcomed them into my home. When saying goodbye to them, and my brother and sister-in-law, the other afternoon it dawned on me that God is providing me other ways to nurture and tend to multiple children at once even if they aren't mine. He provided Charlotte with eleven straight days of pseudo-siblings and Adam and I got the chance to coparent other kiddos beside Charlotte Annie. I am grateful for my brother and sister-in-law's trust in us to take some of their children for a couple weeks and the love the cousins have for little Charlotte. Charlotte sure does love them as well as all her other cousins!
This is an exciting week as we are currently driving to another cousin's birthday party and she will be seeing her West Coast family by week's end!
Always forward, never back...thank you, Jesus, for helping me to redream what the future could look like for my little family. Yesterday was tough but I didn't come completely unhinged which is progress on this path to healing. I am actively seeking on working to appreciate and hold on to the positives for there are so many blessings even if hidden from view.
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