Let's Bloom throughout My Favorite Month

It's the beginning of my favorite month and the feast day of St. Therese of Lisieux who is the patron saint of some of the ministries I am involved with...it's not how big or grand a gesture with which I do things that is important or matters but the love with which I do them is one of the ideas she is known for - - "Do all things with love"... Even letting go of things and surrendering.

St. Therese, Little Flower, pray for us! 

Bloom where you are planted! 

Neighborly Love

We forgot to take out the trash last night. I just ran it out this morning. Come to find out, the truck must have already done our side of the street. So, unbeknownst to me, my neighbor grabbed our can and put it in his driveway to be collected with his trash. Then, right after the truck came, he quickly ran our can back across the street to our driveway. I would never have known if I hadn't happened to look out the window as he was doing it.

Today also happens to be the feast day of St. Maximilian Kolbe who made the ultimate sacrifice in laying down his life for a fellow prisoner at Auschwitz. He is quoted as saying, "A single act of love makes the soul return to life".

Thank you to my amazing neighbor for not being indifferent & for your small sacrifice of neighborly love. 💕

All in the Timing

 

We picked strawberries today at a berry farm. As we walked in the warm California sunshine, stopping every so often to check out the strawberries, and choosing to pick one from the vine or to keep on walking in the hopes of looking for one that was just a bit more ripe, I couldn't help but compare this act of growing and maturing on the part of the sweet treat to our experiences as humans.

How often do we yearn for that moment of readiness? Wouldn't we all rather want to be the bright shiny vibrant strawberry rather than the small yellow or green budding one?

How often do we rush the process?

Or grow impatient in the waiting and eventual ripening?

Seeing the strawberries today were a small reminder to trust in the timing of it all. 

If we rush in picking the strawberries before they are ready to be picked, we would be robbed of the sweetness they have to offer in their maturity.

The same could be said for our lives. If we skip to the end result, we might not recognize the beauty that comes with the stretching, with the pressing, and with the transforming as we change and evolve to (hopefully) better versions of ourselves.

I once heard a pastor say, "God is never late, but generally He is not early either." There is so much truth in that deceptively simple sentence. The time span for strawberries to bloom and then be ready to be picked ranges from four to six weeks. That is a relatively short span of time but for that strawberry in the moment, it may feel an eternity in evolving from flower to the fruit we are familiar with in dessert form...or in the form of the yummy strawberry margarita my sister-in-law made for me tonight. 😊 I wonder if that is what it will seem like at the end of our lives when we look back with a new understanding...all those days of pain and suffering or waiting for the next thing may seem so short in the grand scheme of things once we see the big picture.

Earlier today, Charlotte and I were talking about purpose in lives and vocations when she wondered if she might have a job or "pick a boy" when she grows up...We don't know what the future holds but we know who holds it. God uses the times we find ourselves in waiting. Nothing is wasted and growth and change are always occurring...even if we can't see or feel it. I don't know what Charlotte's life will wind up looking like but I do trust in the process of waiting and being pruned. However, we can't reap the harvest without the growing from a small seed, bursting through the cover/dirt, and blooming where we are planted!

One of the songs from mass today, as we celebrated the Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity, was about the vine and bearing fruit. How appropriate for today's fun family outing of going strawberry picking! May we all be more like the strawberries and allow ourselves to change and ripen to be used to our full extent possible...if we are just patient enough.

You're in the lead

Eight years ago on this very afternoon, Adam and I got a head start from my mom and dad, with small flags tucked somewhere in the car. They were for the vets and active duty guests for the reception scheduled for the next day since our wedding fell on Memorial Day weekend that year. 

The weather that afternoon as we drove south from Frackville to York was very much like today's weather has been on my drive from Ohio to my hometown. 

Only this time Dad has a head start to our Heavenly Home.

Tomorrow will mark eight years since you walked me down the aisle and gave me away but you kept my heart and always will. 

#onedaycloser

Seventh Anniversary Gifts - Copper & Wool

This is one of my favorite pictures from 2022 of Adam and me, taken last summer in Lewes, Delaware, about a month after our 7th anniversary. Where we walked on that beautiful June day, were the pretty old town blocks where I worked and took walks, after school, as a single new teacher just starting out in my big girl world. That had been 20 years prior to when this photo was taken. Looking at this photo now, while it's true we are a little more gray than when we first met ten years ago, the love is as bright as ever. We have had some sad times over the years, but we've also had the happy times and we're still smiling through it all. Thank you, Lord, for this gift of matrimony and my spouse!

So, in reflecting on what to get Adam for our 7th anniversary (last year), here is what I learned regarding the seventh anniversary gift rationale as viewed at this website:

There was no traditional gift for seven years of marriage in the United States until 1937. In that year, the American National Retail Jeweler Association published a list of traditional anniversary gifts by year through the 20th wedding anniversary and then for each fifth year thereafter.

For the seventh anniversary, gifts composed of copper or wool are traditional, though this can vary by country. Both are recognized in the U.S. But wool is favored in the United Kingdom, France, Spain, and Italy. And copper is the choice in Russia and Germany.

Copper has long had a traditional meaning of prosperity, good luck, and good fortune. Couples who celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary can indeed celebrate their good fortune in finding one another. Wool represents the comfort, durability, security, and warmth that couples married this long give one another.

Furthermore, as the modern seventh wedding anniversary gift, a desk set or organizer is supposed to represent the respect you have for each other’s work and the work your relationship takes.

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I don't think I noticed the desk set or organizer bit last year when researching what to get Adam for last year's 7th anniversary! That would have made shopping a lot easier. Here is the irony though. At work, last summer, I switched out the large clunky professional desk for a small, yellow, hand-me-down desk from one of my former student leaders who had graduated and no longer needed her desk! So, even though it was not related to Adam's and my anniversary, I did organize my desk (at work) with a new desk set/organizer during our seventh year of marriage. how fun is that?! 

You're not here to read about office improvements though! Back to what did Adam and I gift one another for our 7th anniversary last summer?

He chose to go with this t-shirt, knowing how much I enjoy purple, citing the fact that cotton and wool are soft.

He also gave this shiny smooth copper-colored compact that I keep in my school bag. Throughout this past schoolyear, it was a nice reminder each time I would catch a glimpse of it at the bottom of the school bag under my planners and books.

I gave Adam a penny---penny for your thoughts?! ;-) I also gave him a small needle felting kit crafting set that would enable us to make three small wool animal toys that I thought we both could enjoy partaking in with Charlotte. Charlotte loves playing with her little figurines, lining them up, playing school or daycare with them, and taking them on adventures. What better family gift, of wool, to give, right?

Would you believe a whole year has gone by and we haven't done this yet? I have never done needle felting and I must admit, I'm feeling quite intimidated by this kit! However, after getting back into crosstitching this past Lent, I'm feeling more brave about trying to teach myself this new skill in the upcoming summer! Better late than never, right?!

Another fun fact about year # 7, is that I can now say that I'm the woman Adam has been with the longest out of his other previous relationships. In two separate relationships, apparently he had dated the women for seven years in each. Whew, we made it to year # 8! =) Speaking of which, I'm especially excited to give Adam his gifts this summer. One is practical but the other is pretty unique if I say so myself. Stay tuned! 

Fully both

I was promoted to full professor today.  ✔ 🎓🍎

For those outside of higher education, there are typically three levels or professorship. A first year or beginning professor is often categorized as assistant professor. This does not mean this sort of professor is a teaching assistant or has not completed his or her training/schooling as many erroneously believe. It's just the title or category of being at the start of your career as a professor aka a beginning professor or a junior faculty member.

The next level or rank is to achieve the associate professor rank. This occurs after a predetermined number of years working at the assistant professor level, evaluations, and contributions of service, scholarship, and teaching within the discipline.  These same requirements are often applied to move on up to the next level or rank of full professor.

Honestly, I had no desire to go up for full professor when I first began this part of my teaching career. I've had my doctorate (PhD) since 2014 and this is the conclusion of my ninth year working at the institution where I am currently employed. Over time, though, the desire to see if I could achieve full professorship was planted. I think after so many doors closing in recent years and encountering "no" so often, I was fueled in my desire to see if I could make it to full professorship.  ❓

In writing this piece, I looked up what does full professorship mean and saw this blurb online:

Full professor is the highest rank that a professor can achieve (other than in a named position) and is seldom achieved before a person reaches his or her mid-40s. The rank of full professor carries additional administrative responsibilities associated with membership on committees that are restricted to full professors.

Reading the above description, it seems that I beat one goal...of earning this accomplishment before I reach my mid-40s. 🙌 😂 Reading the description, I don't think I can stand to take on any additional responsibilities at the moment though. This last year has been one of slowly letting go of commitments and responsibilities I've held over the last several years that have been near and dear to my heart. It's been a bit of a pruning year as I dig in and focus on departmental and accreditation duties that are calling my name. Our Lord never runs out of opportunities to allow us to practice humble obedience. This is a lifelong lesson for me...to discern what is of His will and to accept it. Give me the grace, Lord!  🙏

So, today was momentous in so many ways. 🎆

It represents overcoming hurdles. It represents hard work, blood, sweat, and tears. Oh, so many tears....It represents throwing myself into work when all was falling apart around me. 

It represents persevering even when others did not believe in me. It represents getting up day after day even on the darkest of mornings and when the only small success that day was putting one foot in front of the other.  

It also represents a support system of my husband and daughter unfailingly believing in me. 💕

It represents my mom and dad, my first and biggest fans, and my brothers being proud of their sister the teacher. It represents my spiritual mothers and advisors who have taught me so well - I will never get used to hearing my name said alongside Dr. Klein and Dr. Compton even after being called doctor the last nine years.  💗

Looking back on the last 20+ years of teaching, soooo many students come to mind. 

I think of 3rd grader Daniel who couldn't wait for me to come to his classroom to co-teach with his classroom teacher. 

I think of Brianna, struggling her way through elementary school amidst a tumultous home life, who just wanted someone to listen to her and to really see her and know her. 

I think of Gregory, a 4th grader who had one of the happiest dispositions I've encountered, who needed assistance with spelling and needed strategies to be successful in his classes. 

I remember Andrew getting in trouble as a new teen driver when he threw his trash out of the driver's side window and our talking about the consequences of our actions on the second floor of the Vo-Tech library. 

I also remember Faith running to see me with happy tears streaming down her face, as a high school senior, when she passed her cosmetology exam we had studied so hard for and I remember Brandon sharing all about his game-winning hit at the previous night's high school baseball game. 

I think of the homebound students I worked with and the tutoring sessions I provided after school for those who had been cast aside and seemingly forgotten. I was the link connecting them from their in-home situations to school life.

Later, I recall the gasps of concern when I literally stood up to come crashing down on the floor in front of a class of 42 college students, and a supervisor who was observing my teaching in the class, at UNCG when the high heel of my shoe got caught in the ribbon decoration of the other shoe.  That was the day I stopped wearing cute high heels when teaching.

Moments of advising pre-service teachers and helping them to discern if they want to be teachers rise to the top of the memories as I reflect on my time in higher education. Hard conversations and lightbulb moments are some of my favorites as I remember these college students recognizing what their true vocations/callings were. 

Student leaders, student researchers, and interactions with students inside and outside the classroom, bubble up to the surface as I reflect on all the "kids" I've had the chance to teach, mentor, and accompany on their own journeys. Some had disabilities - those seen and unseen. Some were young and others were older. Some went on to become teachers. Others dropped out of school. All have made a mark on the teacher, and person, I am today. 

Back in 2019, when I was promoted from assistant to associate professor, I wasn't in the country. So I watched the graduation ceremony from the Kartause in Austria. I remember sitting at the long table in the front room of the apartment where we were staying and pulling up the graduation ceremony on the livestream link. It took but a few moments to hear them say my name and that they were presenting to me in absentia due to currently teaching in the study abroad program. When all was said and done, it was a rather unceremonious moment on the other side of the world for me. I remember, closing the laptop, getting up from the table, and turning my attention back to grading for my summer online class that had already started. It was a surreal feeling knowing the fieldhouse was packed full of people on campus celebrating these moments with the soon to be graduates. So, fast forward to today, and it was nice to physically be there for this promotion this time and to experience it "live" and in person. I'm so thankful for the family and friends who were able to attend and join me in celebrating as well!

Professionally speaking, since that other promotion in 2019 to now, many losses occurred but so did many successes. You can't revel in the glory of Jesus unless you also unite in His suffering. As I look back at all that has occurred since May 2019, in addition to teaching, the below is what I've accomplished out of the research aspect of my job:

* wrote a book

* wrote a textbook with colleagues

* wrote three book chapters

* published nine articles

* was invited to write nine publications

* created a website with a colleague

* gave 79 presentations (!!!)

* secured $213,644 worth of grants alongside colleagues

I can't even begin to put a number to or try to quantify the service opportunities or collaborations with other colleagues. Admittedly, that is where my heart is when it's not with my family. It is probably what I'm more known for in this community. I see the work that is done out of this arena of service as a tangible way of being the hands and feet of Christ and living out the vocation of spiritual motherhood. I always have...even long before I entered higher education where a premium is placed on the service aspect to working. My early days of volunteering in my Mom's 2nd grade classroom or coaching cheerleading  point to this desire to give to others the way others have given to me.

However, what is not counted in the above quantifiable information, is also all the nos that come with the yeses. The qualitative aspects of sleepless nights, early mornings, and the stretching to do all the things and trying to be all the things for multple individuals is not reflected in the above numbers. Sacrificing time spent with family and friends, feeling excluded from social gatherings, and skipping out on small moments of respite/recreation are hard to quantify. 

Not counted in the above list, are the hours spent away from my family or equally the guilt felt when carving out time for family that eventually leads to falling behind with work. 

What a swinging pendulum...We can't have Easter Sunday without having Good Friday....how to be fully both....in this case:  wife/mother and professor? That is the million dollar question. How to turn off the racing thoughts when trying to be present to loved ones? How to share your gifts and skillset in the way God wants you to use them with others? How to feel as if you're meeting the needs and demands of both roles?

What I do know is the work accomplishments would mean absolutely nothing without Adam and Charlotte. 

Yet Adam and Charlotte would not be receiving the best of me if I denied the teacher part of me. 

The work I do inside the home, as well as outside the home, contribute to all aspects of who I am.

You can have joy amidst sorrow. 

Pain will seep in and settle among the happy times, too. 

To be fully alive is to experience both emotions. Henry David Thoreau and Oscar Wilde, among many others, have penned their thoughts on this juxtaposition of experiencing both extremes in daily encounters. We all have crosses to bear. They have been personally fashioned for each one of us and our unique situations...they are not plucked out of thin air and tossed on to our backs at random. This past weekend's gospel reading reminds us that God is in us and we're in Him. 

Gospel, John 14:1-12

1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. You trust in God, trust also in me.

2 In my Father's house there are many places to live in; otherwise I would have told you. I am going now to prepare a place for you,

3 and after I have gone and prepared you a place, I shall return to take you to myself, so that you may be with me where I am.

4 You know the way to the place where I am going.

5 Thomas said, 'Lord, we do not know where you are going, so how can we know the way?'

6 Jesus said: I am the Way; I am Truth and Life. No one can come to the Father except through me.

7 If you know me, you will know my Father too. From this moment you know him and have seen him.

8 Philip said, 'Lord, show us the Father and then we shall be satisfied.' Jesus said to him,

9 'Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and you still do not know me? 'Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father, so how can you say, "Show us the Father"?

10 Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? What I say to you I do not speak of my own accord: it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his works.

11 You must believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe it on the evidence of these works.

12 In all truth I tell you, whoever believes in me will perform the same works as I do myself, and will perform even greater works, because I am going to the Father.

Yes, we have hardships, but we also have joys. 

We absolutely can't lose sight of this. 

We struggle but we also have times of ease at times. God is with us through it all. How can we lean into these truths? How can we face the hard along with experiencing the good? How can we open our hands and say, "Give it all to me, Lord, all for the glory of You!" and truly mean it? 

How do we continue doing the works set before us? 

In reflecting on this particular professional milestone, and goal that was five years in the making, the below has helped me. Daily, we can strive to do the following within our own circumstances:

- Grow in humility. We can ask forgiveness of one another instead of standing in pride or operating out of fear. Trust the Lord will provide.

- Be kind to others and pray for others...always. This is easier said than done at times. We are all human and tend to go into self-preservation mode. There will be times you will feel discarded, not chosen, left out, or be in situations in which you were obviously not thought of - but be kind anyway. Give others the benefit of the doubt and get out of our own worldview. In other words, try to not take things personally and control only what you can - your way of dealing with disappointment or these feelings.

- Decrease so that He may increase. Seek always to be a conduit of God's love and grace to pour out of you and spill over on to others. Shift the focus from your needs to meet the needs of others. In the story of Rainbow Fish, he desires at first to keep all his beautiful sparkly scales. He gains true happiness, however, when he gives them away to his friends. Share what you have with others. Rather than store up treasures for yourself, share! 

- Carve out time for prayer and spending time with God's Word....no matter how overpacked the schedule is or other commitments clamorning for your attention. Give God your time and He will multiply it! Draw inspiration from scripture.

- Finally, be willing to share your struggles. This one is huge...for me anyway. Rather than closing yourself off, be open with others. Be vulnerable and honest. It is okay to hurt, to fail, and to admit trials...but then get up and keep going...one step at a time. One way I have tried to do this, recently, is to be open to the struggles of living with secondary infertility. Over the last three months, I've taken huge leaps of faith in putting our story out there and being a bit more vocal about the pain and blessings of walking this journey. The hope is that it can help at least one person who may be walking a similar path in his or her own life.

Last week, I completed a weekly women's group book study in which we read St. John Paul II's Letter to Women. In it, he closes the letter by reminding the reader the ordinary everyday tasks and acts we engage in during our encounters with others matter. We have each been given graces and gifts to be workers in the vineyard. God calls us to work our way through our areas of weakness, to rely on Him, and to be truly ourselves in the way He designed us. This has had me pondering lately how my struggles fit in to the grand scheme of things and how I am being called to use and move through them. 

So, as I wrap up this reflection on being fully both, at this point in my life, and documenting this move to full professor, I admit there were moments when I doubted this day would come. Getting to this point, professionally speaking has not been without challenges. I'm thankful for all who lifted me up on the days I couldn't stand and for those who joined me for the adventures and said yes to my wild propositions/ideas/collaborations over the years thus far. 

I'm so thankful for this vocation of teaching and for the supports (inside the home and outside the home) that helped me to get to this point. Thank you, God, for this gift and vocation. Our Lady of Fatima, pray for us on this feast day of yours and during which, this promotion happened. 

Also, what an amazing detail God has woven into this story! I attended first grade at Our Lady of Fatima Grade School in Hopewell Twp, Pennsylvania. A few weekends ago, I was able to take my current first grader there! 😍

Another beautiful detail is that literally on back to back days, my family gets to celebrate two huge parts of what makes me who I am. Today, on Saturday, the focus is on the professional with this promotion then 24 hours later on Sunday, it is Mother's Day in honoring Charlotte and how she calls me my favorite title. Nine years (and four days) ago, I changed my title by walking across the stage in the Greensboro Coliseum by getting hooded by a spirtual mother and mentor. Less than a decade later, I was able to move up a rank and do this literally in front of Adam & Charlotte who had snagged a seat in the front with my mom, brother, and his four kids who had driven through the night to witness this special event.

Thank you, Lord, for these opportunities. I can't wait to see what the next 20 years hold....both personally & professionally! 

“Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.” ~ William Butler Yeats

"For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." ~ Matthew 18:20

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"The entire educational process must be carried out with love which is perceptible in every disciplinary measure and which does not instill any fear...and the most effective educational method is not the word of instruction but the living example without which all words remain useless." - - - St. Edith Stein

New (to me) Favorite Prayer

My Companion

 One of our wedding mass songs was a song called Companions on the Journey that a friend of ours from North Carolina beautifully sang at the conclusion of the mass. 

I have written about this song, and the meaning it holds, before but this week, during Infertility Awareness Week, the lyrics take on a whole new meaning. God knew what He was doing when He brought us together. Even though I am the one unable to bear any more children, Adam has never made me to feel less than, broken, or less of a woman. 

Rather, I bring those feelings upon myself and, through prayer and healing, try to rid myself of these thoughts not based on the truth...as a beloved Daughter of God, my identity lies in who I am and not what I can (or can't) do. 

Back to my Companion though...I have wondered from time to time over these last seven years...had the characters in this story been different, would the former significant others have responded in the same way as Adam? I don't think they would have. Again, God knows best and knew Adam was the best companion of all for His beloved daughter. At no point in the last seven years has Adam ever expressed wishing he had married someone else or wishing I could give him more other than one conversation I can recall during which he expressed sadness over the children we didn't get to have. I thank God everyday for pairing us up and for Adam's ability to love me through it all....the highs and the lows...the peaks and the valleys....the joys and the sorrows. 

Infertility is a shared experience in the couple regardless of which individual is the primary cause or reason as to why it exists. I am so grateful Adam has been there every step of the way and for the patience and wisdom he pours forth during the good times and the bad. 

In honor of the sometimes silent suffering that might occur within the husband's side, I wanted to share, below, Adam's recollection of what unfolded on the night of Charlotte's birthday. Midway through this past week, I shared my Mom's story of her granddaughter's arrival. Today, on the last day of this week set aside to shine light on the darkness infertility can cast in one's life, I wanted to highlight my faithful companion's story. 

Thank you, Lord, for hand selecting the best man for this earthly task of accompanying me on this journey. 💕

When the nurses first seemed to realize that there was too much bleeding and this wasn't normal, they wheeled you into the other room to try to see what was causing it. I think they explained to me that they were looking for any part of the placenta that may still be in the uterus even though they thought they got it all out. I could hear you screaming in pain from the room where I was waiting. I had messaged your parents what was going on because they had left to go shopping.

Then they came back and said that they needed to do exploratory surgery because they hadn't been able to find out what was wrong. So at this point, I tried not to let any negative thoughts come in and just tried to be confident that they would find the problem and be able to fix it and everything would be ok. Your parents came back in time and we all walked with you as you were being wheeled down to the surgery floor. (A few years later, I was able to find out what it was like to be wheeled down there myself, when I had my CT Scan.) We got to meet the surgery team before going in, which was nice.

Then we waited in the waiting room on that floor while they did the surgery. I called my parents to tell them what was happening. I was talking to my brother, Mark, when the doctor came out of surgery and signaled me to come out into the hall to talk to her. At first it was just me and her. The doctor asked me if we planned on having any more kids. I said we were going to have as many as God wanted to give us. She kind of broke down and said, "Oh my God" and sat down on the low windowsill. Your parents were poking their heads out of the waiting room so I waved them to come over and join us.

Then the doctor told us that they had found a fibroid during the exploratory surgery and that they had to remove it in order to stop the bleeding...And in order to remove it, they would have to remove your entire uterus. So she asked me wanted I wanted to do. I said that there didn't really seem to be a choice to be made: either they removed the uterus and you would live but not be able to have any more children, or they wouldn't remove it and you would bleed to death and still not be able to have any more children. Your parents both agreed. I asked if you knew and the doctor said no. She wanted me to be there when she told you to help you make the decision, because ultimately you had the final decision.

They had to wait for the drugs to wear off from the surgery for you to wake up and I would have to scrub in and wear the medical scrubs, etc. So they took me back and I scrubbed in and put on the scrubs. Then we went into the surgery room and I think you were just waking up, but you seemed very groggy. The doctor explained it to you and I think you have even a better recollection of exactly what was said than I do. I just remember it like a blur. But you agreed to the further surgery and had to sign the paper work. I can't remember if I was there for this or if I just remember you telling me and reconstructed a memory out of it, but the entire surgery team said the Our Father together with us. Then I had to leave and go back to the waiting room again.

I don't remember feeling anything during all this except just worrying that you would be ok, but always trying not to think about it too much and just being sure that it would be ok. Your parents and I were talking in the waiting room but I don't remember about what. They also were on the phone with your siblings on and off to update them. Then finally the doctor came out again and said the surgery was successful and you were being taken to the recovery room and we could see when you woke up. I remember she asked me if I wanted to see the fibroid but I said no. She said something like it was huge. I don't really remember any other details of the conversation.

For me at that time, I just wanted you to be ok. And since then, Charlotte has been such a blessing that I haven't suffered from thinking too much about not being able to have more kids. I don't think about the kids we didn't have except on rare occasion, I just am so thankful for having Charlotte. You and her really are a blessing for me and I don't feel like I need what I don't have. Which isn't to say I didn't want more, or wouldn't want more. I just don't feel like my life is incomplete or lacking anything with what I do have.

Yesterday was the feast day of St. Gianna who was a powerhouse of a MotherScholar. St. Gianna, pray for us! 

Uniting Our Crosses

 This week is set aside to raise awareness about something I wish I could go one day without being aware of at times. Over these last seven years, I have learned that this cross of secondary infertility doesn't truly ever go away...sometimes the weight of it is crushing and I can barely catch my breath. Sometimes it is surprisingly lighter in some days. Most of the time, it is a steady and consistent weight that I shoulder in a nearly resigned fashion trying to carry it with grace. 

Then, there are moments like today, when a little piece splinters off and pricks in a new way. At lunchtime, Charlotte said, "Mommy, you know, God can work miracles and maybe surprise you with a baby in your tummy. Mommy, you have brothers and Daddy has a brother and a sister. If I could pick a baby, I would pick a sister!" How do I foster belief in miracles and with God, all things are possible, when her most often cited prayer for a baby sibling is impossible? 

Yes, every single day, this is an awareness so this week is not one that needs highlighted in my color-coded planner. 😉 When she is a little older, Charlotte will know what the term, secondary infertility, means and we will hopefully prevent the same outcome for her. For now, though, we are officially half way through Infertility Awareness Week now that Wednesday is nearly finished. 

The latest statistics show 1 in 8 couples will struggle to conceive. That is a pretty high number and one difficult to envision given my daily surroundings and community and the seeming perception of being the only ones in our circle. I have wondered if things might feel differently if we lived in a larger city where triangle families are more the norm?

A dear friend is prepping to undergo a hysterectomy soon. Her upcoming surgery, and the time to mentally and physically prepare, has me recalling the way the events unfolded on the night of Charlotte's birthday. Would it have been better to know ahead of time? Would it make things easier now seven years on the other side of it? Here is my mom's perspective of what happened on 03/07/16 written one year after the fact. 

These words from my Mom as she reflected on the life changing events show a different side of infertility...of how life-saving events that result in lasting infertility can also be seen as a blessing. 

I don't know the full purpose as to why things happened the way they did but what I do know is there is no escaping this cross regardless of how it arrived. Jesus did not deserve His cross yet He bore it and accepted it. Who am I to lament and grumble and complain? God has given this specific cross to me and for a purpose. He has also prepared me for this and I can see over these last seven years, the stepping stones that have been provided to help me on my way. 

I hope to inspire Charlotte, and others, to also pick up and carry their own crosses every opportunity they get...no matter what the cause may be. Tonight, when you go to bed, maybe consider that 1 in 8 couple and cover them in prayer. At least for Adam and me, we know the answer and can experience the absolute in that. My heart can't fathom the pain of trying month after month to not have your prayers be answered. If this is you reading these words, know I am offering up my pain to be united on the cross with yours. He knows what He's about...even if we don't. 

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness."

–Lamentations 3:22-23

Charlotte Annie is seven!

On this day seven years ago, Charlotte was born! As Fr. Nathan asked me this morning, where did the time go?! While we honor and celebrate our biological daughter on this seventh day of March, I also got to spend time with some of my spiritual daughters this week so far. Yesterday, this took the form of a two-hour office hour visit with coordinators of the household I advise and this morning, I was able to delight in a yummy scone and coffee with a treasured student leader who has been such a blessing for the peer mentoring, professional development workshops, and now grant/research work. I'm so grateful for this gift of mothering - in all its various forms and hope I never take it for granted. 

After everyone went to bed last night, I strung up the Happy Birthday sign as a surprise for our newly turned seven year old this morning when she went to the dining room table for her breakfast. Adam reported back to me that she was "very happy and excited" when he brought her out to the dining room. 

She picked a mermaid theme for this upcoming weekend's birthday party so we'll be Swimming into Seven - Mermaid Style come Saturday!

Like mermaids, Charlotte loves the water and will be taking swimming lessons this summer as part of her summer camp activities. She still enjoys bubble baths and has recently discovered a love for bath bombs and fizzy water (to drink). ;)

She has transitioned well to more traditional and structured schooling with beginning 1st grade in the local Catholic elementary school. She reports that recess and lunchtime are her favorite parts of the day and she enjoys her art class as well as gym. 

Lately, she has been using the word, delicate, and likes to describe herself with that word. Yes, she is a dainty delicate girl but can also hold her ground and be stubborn when trying to get Mommy and Daddy to play "her way". She continues to love her friend time and would have playdates every day if she could. 

One of her favorite things to do is to play music while playing and to sing along as she invents stories about her dolls and toys. She also loves to doodle and draw with Mommy and Daddy in a shared family journal. She and Hershey, her puppy, have grown much closer in the last year with having lost Dusty three days after she turned six last year. 

She is equally content engaging in surprise days with Mama or staying in and relaxing in jammies all day.

She can be shy or she can be the life of the party. We never know what we're going to get with our girl! 

She has been enjoying musicals, going to shows, and might, one day, be on stage, too! She said the other night that she missed being a cheerleader and was excited to think about cheer camp in this upcoming summer again.

Charlotte is still a girly-girl in that she loves to paint her nails, then peel the polish off within hours, always asks to put on Mommy's lipstick, enjoys rotating through putting on sticker press on earrings, and likes to pick out outfits and wear her fancy dress up shoes in the house. 

Thinking of some of her favorites, she still enjoys spending time with her college friends, Girls GIFT (Growing in Faith/Fellowship/Friendship Together) teachers and peers, puppies, babies, her friends, and her favorite song is Alicia Keys' This Girl is on Fire at the moment. She is still very much a family-loving gal soaking up every minute with her cousins she can and enjoys seeing Grammy, Grandma, Pa, Dan, & Sue any chance she gets. 

She is still very much a planner (hmm, where does she get that?!) and continues to love counting down to the next thing, says she wants to be a mommy, a vet, and/or a teacher when she is a grown up...Nutella is still a beloved snack especially on a spoon.

She made the connection the other day that this past year, while I was 42 - she was six and with having turned 43 one week ago, she is now seven. How amazing that our ages line up in this way!? Also, in regards to these Godicidences, I received an invitation to speak on a Catholic infertility podcast and to write for them on today of all days. God is in all the details. From sharing in a birthday week with the most precious gift of all to breaking open my heart bit by bit, over time, to share our story with a wider audience He is there. He was there as Charlotte was created, was with her keeping her safe in an environment that was not, and seeing her through to her safe arrival. Thank you, Lord, for this golden gift on her golden birthday!

Happy 7th Birthday, Charlotte Annie, on the 7th of March!  You swam into our hearts seven short years ago and haven't left that spot! Continue to make a splash and impact in ways only you can!

Sts. Felicity & Perpetua, pray for us!