I mentioned the other day to family that now that New Year's has passed, it is time for me to think about planning Charlotte's birthday in early March. However, this time of year also coincides with the start of the semester, unpacking course and student expectations, getting ministries back up and running, and finding the grading and class prep routine and getting it going. This leads to long days back on campus... The last two days were 12 hour ones of arriving to campus when it was still dark and then going home under the cover of night, too.
I would rather be planning Charlotte's birthday than answering emails, or thinking about accreditation, or any of the other never ending to-do items on the list that never gets finished each day.
Yet, if I am being honest, a part of me is also sad about planning as the years go far too quickly and are bittersweet. How did we get to almost seven already? The baby days and toddler stage are long over for us. We are now living with elementary-aged issues and circumstances like setting up playdates, working through big feelings, constantly attempting to entertain or satisfy requests to play allllll the time 🥴 while also trying to foster independence in our sometimes shy sweetie, and afternoons of homework.
The first, second, and third birthdays are further and further behind memories. Knowing the baby milestones are forever finished still cause the waves of grief to come crashing over me during the most unexpected of times. Even, nearly seven years later, it sometimes feels like a sucker punch to the gut like when I first heard, "We have to take the uterus" on Charlotte's birthday. Lately, I have been rehashing that ugly scene in my head wondering what would the answer have been if I had said, "Why? Why can't you just operate and remove the fibroids? Why not try that approach? Why take the extreme resort?" I wish I would have thought to have asked that.
No amount of replaying the story that is ours to tell will change the setting or plot.
Even though, to an extent, Adam and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt how this part of our story goes, we don't know all the other parts. Isn't that how it goes with suffering? We know parts and bits of the rising and falling action and climaxes in our respective stories but we don't truly know the full end result. We won't until we conclude our chapter of life. I wonder if this constant repiercing of the sword in the heart over the daily reminders is slowly and bit by bit leading to something else? The little milestones that bring joy at the same time as sorrow happen so frequently...at least that is how it feels to me. It is enough to make one want to retreat and hide or attempt to escape.
Everyone suffers.
Everyone has crosses.
No one gets through life without hardship and as there is a time for all things to begin or start, there is a time for all things to conclude. In this area of our story, Adam and I are meant, for whatever reason, to all too briefly experience what most others in our lives seem to be able to experience in a far longer way.
It has been said comparison is the thief of joy. For those of us with one not by choice, almost seven years into this journey, it seems the sorrow and envy are there at every stage or milestone. I guess one learns to live with it and maybe we have cultivated ways to help us climb out of the despair since we have had more opportunities to flex that muscle just as I am sure those with larger families than ours have had the opportunity to grow in other ways.
In trying to find the blessing in being cast into this unsought after by me role. I guess it has allowed me to be hyper aware and to try to treasure every moment. This means doing so even on the long days of trying to be the best parent and playmate, of trying to live in the present and not wishing for what could have been, of putting forth every effort even when overwhelmed or overstimulated and wanting to just zone out, and of trying to not be in a state of constant comparison. It seems this is really important because this is the only chance we will get to do this and life goes way too quickly...which is why I am unapologetic about the birthday parties. 😂 I mean, we don't throw lavish super expensive over the top parties but a lot of thought and effort goes into the theme each year. I hope the meaningful memories that result from the gatherings will stay with Charlotte and those who attend for a long time!
Here's to leaning in, being aware, making space, and embracing all the moments I can. This way, when our family moves to the next stage or milestone, I hope to be there for Charlotte Annie, totally and fully there and ready to enjoy that, too. ❤️
Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us.
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