When It's All Said & Done...what will He think?

 "I've been good. I should get these things....My faith, I felt like, was crumbling." - - powerful words spoken by Amber in this video clip. 

Hearing Amber speak these words spoke straight to my soul. 

If I'm being honest, I've been guilty of this, too, especially after Charlotte was born when lamenting our small family size. 

Why, Lord? We did all the things we were supposed to do. We were faithful to one another. We waited until marriage. We were open to life. Why this cross of infertility? If we have to experience it, why so early into our vocation of marriage and not allow us the thrill/joy/wonder of pondering if we had created new life with You? 

Why this path of life for our sweet Charlotte that differs so drastically from what her parents experienced and were planning to give her? 

I've been good and have repented of past sins. 

If I pray hard enough....

Like Amber and Dave, I have felt a turning in my heart and a shift in acceptance levels over the last couple of years especially....more and more I'm opening my eyes to the fact that our family size IS His plan. He knows what He's about and what He's doing. 💕

Then, Amber and Dave go on to share more of their hardships in this video and Amber shares, "Lord, I know nothing. I've made you a puppet....My faith seems like a sham. I need you to rebuild my faith. Reveal Yourself to me. Surrender and discover God." Her words in this video, and in her beautiful writings that were published the last couple of years are bringing such comfort even today as the words take on different meaning given how this part of the story within the VanVickles' journey has been revealed.

Amen!! This sister in Christ is so inspiring even as she now rests in the embrace of our Lord.

I just finished praying the Surrender Novena (for the second time this year) last night. This theme of letting go and letting God has been so prevalent in these early days of 2023, but honestly, have been a struggle for much of my adulthood. 

Today, my twin and I turn 43 giving me the chance to look back at these last two decades of adulthood. So many twists and turns have led to this point and so many lessons learned! This is my sixth birthday since Charlotte's arrival and I'm still so grateful to still be here after hearing firsthand accounts from my Mom, Dad, and Adam about the scary turn of events that took place just seven days after turning 36 when Charlotte was born. 

Over the last week, we've been mourning the loss of this beautiful woman featured in the video: Amber. The husband, Dave, recently lost his mother, after a brief illness, and now his wife as he faces a future of raising their five children without their mom.

Additionally, our community also lost Sr. Theresa of the T.O.R. Sisters. During her funeral mass homily yesterday, Fr. Matt sang a beautiful song a capella called, "When It's All Said & Done." The lyrics are beautiful any time you listen to them but listening to them as a family mourns a special mother and a community lovingly lays one of their Sisters to rest, and as I listen today on my birthday during this first week of Lent, I can't help but wonder what God will say when it's all been said and done. 

Will He be satisfied with the way I carried my (our) cross? 

Will He look on with fatherly pride at how I, his beloved daughter, tried with all my might...even when I stumbled and fell or grew short on humility in accepting it? 

Dave & Amber, within the video, both go on to say:  "Claim your cross. Not my will but Your will."

As this amazing couple reminds us both then in the video and now during these extremely hard days as they prepare for the funeral, let us all joyfully and humbly carry our crosses, not just during these days of Lent but all our lives - no matter how short or long they wind up being.

As Amber explained when referring to challenges her children with special needs face, "Lord, if you have a plan as they are...then give us the strength to surrender and follow Your plan." 

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
May they rest in peace.