Moments

During one of Charlotte's feedings the other day, she and I watched a quick video of Kelly Clarkson singing a medley of some of her biggest hits that aired during the American Idol finale.  Okay, Charlotte was more concerned with eating while I did the listening and watching.  I don't know what was more impressive:  that Kelly was able to sing through all those portions of the songs without missing a beat or that she did it in heels while being so very pregnant.  She is due any day now with her second child (a boy).  I don't even wear heels when not pregnant let alone you couldn't have paid me enough to wear the one pair I own this past January and February as we approached Charlotte's birthday in early March.

Anyhow, Kelly brought it home at the end with reprising her original big hit from her early American Idol days 15 seasons ago by singing the chorus of "A Moment Like This".  Hearing the familiar words as I cradled Charlotte in my arms really moved me as it reminded me of how important all these little moments are and of how much I yearned for this when I was single.  This is especially important for me to remember when I'm just wanting to sleep for another minute in the middle of the night as Charlotte's cries awaken me (or Adam who then wakes me) or when another day of tending to her needs 24/7 goes by without a thought being spent on research or yet another chore is left unfinished.  When I think of all that has happened in the last few years (and SO much has happened...!), there are so many defining moments that jump out at me and even ones that appear to be average but they still hold special meaning.  I know, for me, I will never forget that moment when the last push happened, out came the baby, and looking up at Adam to find out whether it was a boy or a girl).  Also, last night, for example, another fun moment was when Adam called me out from where I was washing the bottles at the kitchen sink to the living room where he and Charlotte were playing with the mirror that hangs on our living room wall.  I thought for a fleeting moment that I should run and get my phone so I can try to capture this moment in a picture.  Charlotte was beaming a huge smile up at her Dad in the mirror and I thought to myself, "What a cute moment that would have been to get a picture of" but instead opted to hop into the background and try to capture Charlotte's attention in the mirror as her Dad was doing. I don't have the picture to document it but it was fun being in the moment itself.  I am trying to embrace this mentality of being in the moments, and moments like these, rather than rushing through them, missing them altogether, or always being behind the camera as they happen.  However, I also will want to remember to try to get pictures of Charlotte and me together too.

Speaking of being together, the other day I wrote that I didn't feel God's presence in a moment of frustration and profound despair.  Maybe it's because I'm now on day 3 of not having cried (the tears sprang to my eyes on multiple occassions however they didn't fall) or maybe it's because today is National Only Child Day (that follows on the heels of National Siblings Day that made me sad once again for Charlotte's lack of siblings)

or maybe it's due to the brilliant sunshine that is pouring in through our windows today but I'm feeling less alone today.  I also realize that God is showing Himself in the people He puts on our paths, through the thoughtful meals local moms and friends are delivering to the house as they provide for our dinners, in the cards and texts from friends who are "checking in" to see how we're (I'm) doing, through the friends who stop by on the way home from work or squeeze in a quick visit when in town, to the quiet moments spent with one another, as a family, of just "being" with each other.  It seems on the days when I especially feel as if I can't move forward and am stuck in the grieving cycle, unsure of what tomorrow will bring, I am able to trust that He is still with me.  I read something similar to this in the daily reflections I'm reading from Easter until Pentecost.  These lines really spoke to my heart:

God is still with us even in the messiest parts of our lives.  The real question is, "How do we find him?"  The readings from Acts 3:1-10 offer two hopeful suggestions:  share your burdens and look for him in the people around you. There is something about opening ourselves to other people that makes us more open to the Lord's presence and his comfort.  It's okay to feel helpless and crumpled up...just don't forget to look up every now and then to see if God is sending someone to you to help.  You never know who the Lord will use!  The Church is called the body of Christ for a reason-you are surrounded by brothers and sisters eager to help.  In fact, that's where you're most likely to find God's presence and comfort-in the people around you. 

Yes, we truly can't do it alone and need to reach out for help.  There is nothing wrong with leaning on others in your time of need.  Sometimes, it's a matter of behaving or believing yourself into something else or "faking it 'til you make it" but I do strongly believe that God will provide whether it's through allowing you extra time to heal, putting others into your lives to help you overcome challenges, or a variety of other ways.

Yesterday, Charlotte turned five weeks old and it was a huge eye opener for me that had I only had six weeks of maternity leave that this would mark my final week of being off from work to be home with her.  This would have been the case had we not had the double surgeries the night of Charlotte's birthday.  Considering I'm still not allowed to drive at the moment and still so sore in the incision areas, I'm so so so thankful that I have more time as both physically and mentally I'm not ready to get back into the grind and hustle and bustle of my school schedule (particularly Marathon Mondays) and had a bit of a small panic attack the other night when my mind strayed and thought of those days in the future during a late night feeding.  I know I shouldn't worry and be anxious, I miss teaching and my colleagues/students tremendously, and without a doubt I know God will provide and that our family will want for nothing but the thought of having to leave Charlotte, even for only three days out of the week, makes my heart physically hurt right now.  Childcare-wise, I know she will be in excellent hands with someone who will love her and treat her as her own and that I will have all Tuesdays and Thursdays and of course the weekends with her in addition to the neverending homework/research that will be lurking in the background, but the stingy and greedy part of me wants to keep little Charlotte all to Adam and me.  I don't want to miss milestones or daily new occurrences that will happen in my absence.  I want Adam and me to be able to continue being the ones who meet her needs and to be able to, as her mother, to shower all my love and affection on her nonstop.

However, we're not in a position where childcare won't be needed so I am so thankful that I have the type of work schedule that allows me to only work outside the home three days of the week rather than all five of the work days and I work for a school that really does value the vocation of family.  Thinking about this vocation of family and the priority it has over my previous roles, next semester, I hope to do a better job at respecting boundaries in that I will keep my schoolwork at school and not bring it all home with me each night and every weekend when I do return to work.  I have a feeling this will be one of my biggest challenges but we shall see how that goes as it's no secret that I have struggled with working around the clock in the past.  I pray that I will be abe to do a better job of appreciating and living in the moments for they will be fleeting.  The days are long but the years are short and I don't want to be standing here one day looking back and wishing I had spent less time working and more time being in the moment with Charlotte.  Motherhood comes first and foremost and hopefully by setting up my work schedule around the vocation of motherhood, I can find that balance in a graceful manner.  Even though I have worked so many jobs, from childhood until the present, and worn many different hats (e.g., camp counselor, department store associate, Subway sandwich artist, babysitter, day care staff, newspaper carrier, teacher) and most recently put a lot of time and work into my current role as professor through earning my doctorate a few years ago, I feel as if everything has led to this role as mother at this moment in time.  The others were jobs while being Charlotte's mom and to an extent, Adam's wife, is my true calling or vocation.  Granted, there were things I learned from the other experiences that overlap with this newest title or responsibility of me but I think that this one will be the most important in terms of truly fulfilling my life as a woman.  I can only speak for myself so please hear me loud and clear that I'm not saying all women must become mothers in order to fulfil their callings or roles as women but that for us, and my family, I feel that this is the best way I can do that.  I was made to do this biologically speaking and one of my purposes is to serve through family.  Charlotte and my marriage to Adam are the legacy I will leave behind in addition to the other students, of all ages, I have taught elsewhere both in the past and present. 

For now, I am very appreciative of the fact that I can focus all my time and attention on trying to find some sort of a routine, tending to Charlotte's needs as best as we can, and working with Adam to find our new "normal" with my not having to focus on my work/research so much at the moment.  It also helps tremendously that I have the summer to continue to find and work on that balance.  Hopefully through this extended time, it will make us that much more ready for the fall when I do return to work 100%.  For now, I'm going to relish in the moments like this....like feeling Charlotte's little puffs of air on my neck when I cradle her in an upright position that she loves so much and hearing her coos and sighs as she drifts off to dreamland after cuddling and snuggling in my arms and watching her as she stares up at her tree and animals on her bedroom wall.  Yes, these are the moments that I can't believe are happening to us three!  Thank you God for these moments!