Footprints

I write this from my father's bedside on the night of Holy Thursday. Literally, I am laying on an air mattress on the floor by Dad. This particular day of the Triduum has always reminded me of my father as I wrote a few years ago. This Lent, however, has taken on a whole new meaning when thinking of and seeing my father in the last several days.

One of my favorite Easter memories as a little girl was one year when we were preparing for midnight mass during the Vigil, somehow it was discovered that my dress shoes no longer fit. This was the last thing Mom needed as she ran about cleaning and prepping the house for company who were on the way for a weekend visit. Dad and I snuck over to the mall where he bought me new shoes from Payless Shoe Source where a classmate's mom took care of us. I remember Dad saying he didn't mind the impromptu shopping trip since it was nice to get out of the house amidst the hustle and bustle and noise that comes with a house bursting at the seams with us little kids and excited anticipation of Easter basket hunting the next morning. I remember each year when I would wear my dress shoes and new Easter dress, Dad would always fuss and say how pretty I looked. There is something special about the way a Dad looks at his little girl all dolled up for a special occasion. This is also one of my favorite memories from my wedding day...I had done a First Look with my Dad rather than my soon to be hubby. The way Dad looked at me on that day reminded me of all the years of wearing a new dress for Easter or Christmas. 

Adam, Charlotte, and I have been at my parents' home for the last week and a half helping my mom and supporting Dad after his nine day isolated stay in the hospital (not virus related). 

Waking up one Easter morning in a room at Andrews Air Force Base, I was the last to rise from my sleeping bag on the hotel floor. Next, I heard, "There she is! Good morning, sleepy head!" and saw my Dad grinning at me as my brothers ate their candy and Mom motioned for me to search for my Easter basket that was hidden somewhere in the room. Dad was the first to notice me and that moment has already stood out as an example of the many ways he has always seen me and I am not talking about the time he saw right through my excuse of having the flu after a night of too much fun in college when he surprised me at my work and I was "sick". 

It has been 24 hours since Dad returned home and many things are in the works, such as, installing a ramp, obtaining oxygen, and making Dad as comfortable as possible in the hospital bed that is now set up in Mom's and his room. I told one of my students that folks were coming and going, evaluations were being done, and services were being developed much like the early childhood process we had been unpacking in our class but for end of life care now. 

I can't even begin to count the number of times Dad has helped my brothers and me. He has been known to drive 250 miles one way to drop me off at college then drive back on the same day to get up and go to work early the next day. In a blizzard. Uphill both ways. Yep, that's my dad. 

As much as it saddened and frustrated us all to not be able to see Dad in his hospital room, the fact of the matter is he was there for nine days without us. During that time, that was long enough to pray a novena, I couldn't help but think he is experiencing his own Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus went to the Garden, taking his friends with him, who could not keep their own eyes open ("Could you not keep watch for one hour?") during that time.  While there, Jesus implored of God to take away this cup but ultimately, accepted God's will. Dad being forced to be alone those nine days outside the nurses and doctors who treated him made me ponder the days leading up to Jesus' death all the more.  No one wanted Dad to be in the hospital amidst this pandemic.  While he was away from us, I wondered if this was God's way of getting Dad to himself, to purify him, and prepare him for what's to come next, much like how Jesus retreated to the Garden.

Since Dad was isolated from us the last several days, I wasn't prepared for the marks on his hands and arms from the constant bloodwork that was done during his stay.  He has a huge purple bruise on his upper arm and his wrists were raw and red from the needles and hospital bracelets he wore.  His feet are swollen since his body is keeping in too much fluid.  Tonight, when two of my brothers and I worked together to shift Dad in his bed, at one point, he had his arms spread out holding on to the railings on both sides of the bed in an effort to hoist himself up in the bed - - I was struck by how much he resembled Jesus on the cross in that moment.

Dad is embracing his own cross and fighting so many things right now:  worsening chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), a 90% blocked aorta, an aortic valve that needs replaced, decreased renal function (kidney disease), liver issues, and recently diagnosed Myelodysplastic Syndromes (MDS) which is preleukemia and the inability to form sufficient functioning red and white blood cells and platelets.  He struggles to breathe every second of the day and night even with the aid of oxygen.  As the doctor said today, it's hard to know where one health issue ends and one begins due to all the overlapping issues.  The congestive heart failure requires 
 limiting his fluid intake and tonight, once again, I couldn't help but make the comparison between Dad and Jesus when he begged for water, even just a drop, due to his thirst.  

"Can I have a sip? Just one!" I would plead as a little girl when wanting to have some of Dad's perpetual cup of soda in the cup holder on a trip. "Just a small sip, Sis" he would say using his nickname for me. Everyone knew my sips could turn into half the cup disappearing. Thanks for all the sips, Dad. 

Tonight, he called me by another nickname after I came to his bedside from the other room during a coughing fit. When he saw me there, he motioned for me to come closer and grabbed my hand. "Oh, Meggie Annie. I just wanted to see somebody" he mumbled. This sentiment reminded me of something I told him while video chatting in the hospital. He is not truly alone but ultimately, we each individually do face death alone as it is something we each do face and experience....but how unique it all is. Our entry and departure from the world - - we each have our own purpose and vocation to fulfill. I reflected on that as I prayed over Dad tonight. Only he could walk the path he did which brings me back to the washing of the feet. His feet covered so much ground around the world through serving in Vietnam and elsewhere. His feet carried him through a less than ideal home life. They ran from base to base in countless baseball games and ran after small children as an active father who provided for his family as best he could. They danced their way into Mom's heart at a bar dance club. They drove him to college classes he finished after a long day of work and as a father. They waited patiently on the other side of the birth room where I delivered Charlotte and he heard through the door that he had a new granddaughter to love. Those feet brought him to my ear doctor and audiologist appointments and drove me to my CCD classes as we listened to Ace of Base on T102. They are the feet that filled the shoes mine never could. They are what carried me in the hard times and remind me of his favorite : Footsteps in the Sand. All these things tied into my prayers over Dad tonight as yet again, we lifted his feet up on the pillows to try to keep them elevated. His strength is slipping away and he can no longer stand on his own but he is every bit the larger than life hero he was to me as a little girl. 

You looked at me tonight saying you wanted to see someone--not wanting to be alone. 

There you go again, seeing me. Thank you, Dad. I will never forget seeing you in your own Calvary. 

If you all could keep Dad, Mom, and our family in your prayers, we would be so grateful. He has always encouraged us to look at the bright side and told Mom that was the only  has way to survive when they were dating. One way that has been evident was when my older brother worked with a nurse at the hospital to allow for video chats so we were able to "see" Dad in spite  as of not being allowedto visit... Praise God! The other morning, I spent time in prayer as I looked at the items on Dad's dresser. Little did I know that it would soon be converted into a mini art gallery thanks to the grandchildren.

Charlotte is watching Pappy through the Amazon Echo on the dresser! 

Settling in as roommates for the night. :) I guess it is the least I can do for all the nights I kept Dad up with my crying as a premie. 

 This baseball playing, motorcycle riding, devoted dad and hubby, collector of his only daughter's creations circa 1997, Air Force veteran who loved flying and jumping out of planes, is so deserving of all the prayers he can get! 💕 

Charlotte Annie is four!

To the one who reminds me daily to keep looking up and to stay- -
To the one who gives me my "why" each day - -
To the one who holds my heart and shares a birthday week with me - -
To the one I want to be proud of me and love me in spite of what I can't be - -

How has it been four years since I first held and laid eyes on you?
Thank you for being the greatest (birthday) gift and my favorite view.

Happy 4th birthday to our one and only: Charlotte Annie! <3

Many thanks to Buckeyes & Babies for capturing her spirit through these birthday photos!

It's been 20 days since Charlotte Annie turned four and since we were at one of her favorite places for her party.  Like many others, we are currently spending our days indoors as we practice social distancing and engage in self-contained quarantine measures due to the coronavirus.  We have been logging in a lot of play time and extra hours together as a family unit with working from home, learning from home, and just being in our home.

Charlotte loves the movie, Frozen II, right now and especially playing with her baby Elsa and grown up Elsa these days.

Charlotte continues to be a little girl who is full of energy and seemingly never tires.  Just yesterday, alone, she was awake from 9am until 12:37am without any naps.  We had tried to wear her out through a nice long walk in our hilly neighborhood and through doing some gymnastics exercises from home as we watched online.  I hope, when she grows up, that she is able to use her energy and zeal for life for good!

Continuing our tradition of using this annual "I am ___" banner in the birthday pictures!  <3

As a newly turned four year old, Charlotte continues to display sass, charm, knows what she wants, and is unafraid to express her wishes to others.  She's very vocal and expressive but at times can become very shy and need prompting when interacting with others.  Back in June, when she had her belated 3 year old check up (due to our living in Austria when she turned three), she was 36 inches tall and weighed 28 lbs.  She absolutely loves playing with babies and likes to say she's a "babysitter" or "big sister" when she helps Mommy with watching some of the children who have come to our home over the last year.  The other day, she overheard me telling Adam about my wanting to help out a colleague with childcare during this crazy time of the coronavirus.  He joked, "Charlotte can be a babysitter!"  Charlotte came running out to the kitchen where we were talking and said, "Mommy!  Mommy!  I want to be a big sister!  I want us to have a baby."  🙏

Charlotte's favorite activities these days are to play hide and seek, to help with preparing meals, going on walks, to continue picking up and collecting rocks, painting and coloring, and playing with PlayDoh.  She loves singing (especially Let It Go), Paw Patrol, playing with her toys (her dollhouse is her favorite right now), and snuggling with her puppies when not chasing them throughout the house.

Charlotte continues to enjoy watching videos of babies...so much so that she requests that she watch, "babies on Daddy's green phone" as she did last year.  Playing with her dolls and building houses and castles using her Legos are other favorite ways to spend her time.  She began going to school this past August.  She attends a local Montessori classroom for three through six year olds three days a week.  It's been a joy seeing her grow as she shares what she is learning at school and sings new songs she has learned from her teacher and classmates.  Lately, she has been keeping track of when she can do things by saying, "Maybe we can do that in the mornin'!  Oh, thank you, Mama!" 

Other things our little miracle baby enjoys are to build a tower using her blocks, lining up her colorful dominos in lines all over the floor or coffee table, and receiving piggy back rides.  She also enjoys spending time with her cousins and friends.  In fact, some of them were able to help celebrate her turning four on her actual birthday at her Frozen-themed birthday party.  Looking FOURward to seeing what the next year will bring!  ;)

Holding a butterfly Mommy bought with her friend, Sha, when in Venice last year.  Each time we see this lacy butterfly, we say a special prayer for our intricate one-of-a-kind friend.  I was so thankful that my photographer friend was willing to incorporate this butterfly into the photo shoot.

 

Some of the many faces of our girl.  ;)

Keep on kickin', squealing, & filling up every square inch of your Daddy's and Mommy's hearts, baby girl!

Other things she enjoys doing are to pretend to put makeup on with everything - - in this case a paintbrush.

Can't forget about doing our nails, either!

Then we line up our makeup utensils.  ;)

Take rests.

Avoid pictures/papparazzi!

Be silly with Mama!  

Momming and Working

This picture of us working this morning makes all the long hours worth it...to see the looks on the audience members' faces, to hear their stories, and to help make connections...all for the good of students is so gratifying.

This pick me up of a post that was shared on the conference's email update of day one of the conference helped to ease my mama's heart. Having driven to Columbus with my colleague after work yesterday, we woke up bright and early today to get ourselves registered and in the room for our presentation. However, prior to all that  I had received messages from my parents and husband saying that Charlotte was upset with a hurting ear. We decided to keep her home and try to get her in for an appointment with the pediatrician.

What timing! This was the first time she complained about her ear hurting and it was when I was 2 hours and 47 minutes away from her. However, my parents were there which was a huge help as I knew she was in good hands with them. In spite of presenting with my colleague for 75 minutes and having 115-120 people attend, my focus became that of trying to get back home ASAP so I could scoop Charlotte up in a huge hug.

An unexpected bonus was that we came out of our session to the news that our manuscript on the content of today's talk *might* be accepted pending revisions. Yippie! Praise God for these small moments of affirmation along the way - - especially when the mom guilt starts creeping in or doubts about trying to serve through the vocation of mamahood and teaching seem to be at odds with each other at times.   Seeing the above picture someone had taken while we were working that wound up being the only picture from a conference session that was posted on the conference's recap of the first day helps me to see that joy can come from multiple sources...through family and through work.  I also was able to get home and see Charlotte just a few hours after her appointment with her pediatrician!  She did wind up having an ear infection in her right ear but seems to be doing better after having started with the medicine. 

See below link for other snapshots from today's first day of the conference https://mailchi.mp/ocali.org/ocalicon_2019_bsp_issue12?e=10dd836da8 .  Pretty cool stuff!  ;)

How do I follow my friends' lives going where I can't follow...?

This past week, I learned of four separate friends' pregnancies. One is even having twins! That means five beautiful babies are growing and being formed in their mothers' wombs at this very moment.  Hearing of all these blessings and seeing the excitement and joy on their mothers' faces reminds me of the first days of pregnancy with Charlotte which brings me joy as I share in the exciting news...then the sadness swirls all around again as my broken heart and the reality of my broken-ness reappear.

How do I follow my friends' lives going where I can't follow...literally and figuratively? While others are excitedly counting down to due dates that will soon become birthdays and the child or children are transforming into becoming big siblings, in my mind's eye, I look at us and see us on a separate path---our family's path.

Charlotte is oblivious to it all, telling us the color of the sky with glee and that she wants to hide in the clouds like the airplane we watched from the car did this morning. Adam is cheerful and content with little Charlotte perched on his shoulders as he engages in the silly talk with our daughter.

Yet, when I look at myself in this image, I am trudging along slowly shuffling my feet. I want to walk with a bounce in my step like I used to but feel as if I am in a fog and so very heavy and weighed down with it all. Last week, I was reminded of the importance of standing in the gap or facing this hardship head on and not numbing or dulling the pain. In theory this all sounds so cathartic and healing--but it is overwhelming to have so many opportunities to have to face these feelings of being broken and feeling "not enough" in this aspect of my life as of late. I can already feel myself wanting to succomb to the default of isolating or staying away from these situations/triggers but then I would never be able to leave the house so something has to give.

I saw a billboard tonight that said, "Fight your fears faithfully" that made me so angry. The billboard was advertising the hospital where Charlotte was born and, if I am being honest, where I blame the story turning out the way it has. I had faith in the hospital. I trusted the doctor. I believed God would provide. 3.5 years later, I am trying to increase my faith in embracing the path I am on even though I so badly want to follow the path I had always envisioned and see so many others on my preferred path each day yet it's forbidden to me. I see a locked gate barring my entry and it's so incredibly lonely on this path but I have to trust that God has me on this one instead. Otherwise, what is the point? So what do I do? I either try to move so fast, with my head buried in all the work that needs done so that I can't slow down and see what I am missing or I can barely put one foot in front of the other as I try to catch up to Adam and Charlotte and keep from being dead weight holding them back...

I could use prayers tonight, please.  I have also been drawing strength from the Holy Family this past semester. I have been pondering how Joseph and Mary faithfully lived out their vocation of family even though it was created and formed in such a different way than they envisioned! Did they, too, have plans of bringing many children into the world? Did they have any sets of multiples on either side and hope that one day they might have twins, triplets, or more one day??

What I do know is Joseph and Mary demonstrated and modeled a selfless love that had Jesus at the center. Please pray that I can turn my eyes back to the path meant for me/my family and to look at it with acceptance rather than anger, to view the broken parts of me with compassion rather than feelings of comparison, and to grow in unabashed joy and decrease in jealousy allowing for more room for God to fill the void and cracks.

Ironic play

Five minutes are left of today. All day, I had been thinking of all those affected by infertility and loss.

Charlotte must have picked up on this at some level as she ran around while playing tonight saying, "Look, Mommy, I have a baby in my tummy! I liked being in your tummy. It was cozy."

Seriously, what is going on inside that little brain of hers?!

I've nothing wise or witty or profound to say other than how mothering this greatest surprise miracle continues to be filled with both immense joy and tremendous sadness at the same time. The cross, though, is mine to carry and was uniquely fashioned for only me to carry it. I pray for greater acceptance and peace and for all those struggling with the cross of infertility to feel a tiny bit of peace and grace tonight.

What's in a name?

C=Charisma:  Whether in a silly mood, serious, or even angry, you have a way of captivating others' attention with your big personality

H=Healthy:  I am so thankful for your robust spirit!

A=Always asserting your independence ... "I can do it myself!" is commonplace around these parts.

R=Realllllllllllly loves horses! Long live Spirit!

L=Love you more than you will ever know!

O=Only one who will call me Mommy and I pray that will be enough for you.

T=Three.....and a half!

T=Totally your Daddy's mini me!

E=Energetic...you would play hide and seek all night if you could!

Many thanks to Buckeyes and Babies Photography for these lovely photos! 

You told me today you are no longer my baby girl but that you are now "a big girl" and looking at these photos after having had the chance to snuggle and hold a three day old baby girl tonight has me acknowledging how big you are.  Never forget, you have every little bit of my heart, precious one, no matter how old you are...but time, please slow down a bit!