The Long Goodbye

Today has been spent tending to Charlotte as she was sent home early yesterday from school after getting sick during recess.

None of us have made it out of our jammies as time this morning and into the afternoon was spent changing out the trash can, disinfecting, washing hands, snuggling, and resting as she tries to kick this tummy bug.

I'm glad we could take this time to just hunker down and stay in tending to her needs.

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Taking care of Charlotte today reminded me of when time stood still four short years ago in going through much of the same motions with my Mom and brothers as we tended to Dad during his final days with us.

Four years ago on this exact date was my Dad's last conversation with us. In my twin's words:

I had many conversations with dad between December 16, 2019 and April 17, 2020. The last acknowledgeable one being April 13th. We said what needed to be said....I'm glad I was able to thank him and tell him I loved him....and hear it back for the last time. He said the same. Before starting the first of his morphine, he said I hope the kids (grandkids) remember me.

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Also, on this exact date, nine years ago, I received an envelope in the mail from a winery about 45 minutes from here.

I remember being surprised to receive this piece of mail as I was still new to the area and had not yet ventured to any wineries. It turned out that it was a gift certificate sent to me in anticipation of Adam's and my wedding the next month. Meredith, a best friend from middle school who now lives in Chicago, had sent the gift certificate to me as a new transplant to Ohio and knowing full well how much I enjoyed wineries and paint and sips!

As luck would have it, my former student researcher and I had plans to go to the winery tomorrow to engage in a paint & sip activity. After retrieving the gift certificate I remembered having received, I couldn't help but glance at the date on the envelope. Lo and behold, it was mailed on this exact date. Incredible! As long as Charlotte is feeling better, I plan to still go and hopefully raise a glass in memory of Dad while also being thankful for our health!

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This time nine years ago, time seemed to stand still and take so long as I counted down to the day I would marry Adam in one month and ten days.

Then, on this date, four years ago - time seemed to fly by while simultaneously freezing during the long goodbye as we knew Dad was entering his last days.

Today, at moments, when Charlotte was struggling and in pain, it felt like neverending sickness.

None of us are meant to be here forever...we are all just passing by on our way to our final home of Heaven. With every day that passes, time is getting shorter for each of us as we live our own long goodbyes.

Make every moment count.

Create.

Laugh.

Cry.

Live!

Memories and Serving

Last week, I was blessed to receive the Service Award at work. I'm so grateful for the vocation of teaching and the ability to spiritually mother through the work I do. It is so inspiring to me to see the educator-witnesses I am able to teach and work with, - in the words of my dear colleagues and mentors, Rebecca L Rook & Amy Roberts – serve in these various outreaches, to model professional dedication (Congregation for Catholic Education 1982, no. 17; 2022, no. 14), personal integrity, ethical behavior, and generous service among other Gospel values to inspire their own students to imitate them.

I engage in my service from the perspective of Servant Leader as I strive to imitate Christ and others who have gone before me. This leads me to the reminder of never underestimating the impact of ONE individual on many.

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Looking back at all of these photos, each one was taken on campus except for one. At first glance, they each represent gatherings around holidays, celebrations, and conference presentations. What lies beneath the surface though, are the relationships and bonds that have been formed and the huge spots in my heart they hold.

First, there is no one else I would rather hang out with in the JC Williams Center student union building than Adam. He took a chance on me 11 years ago for when we met, I had just applied for a position at Franciscan in the hopes I would get called for an interview. I believe I had used the following words to describe it: "a Catholic school somewhere in Ohio but it's really close to Pittsburgh so it might as well be in my home state." I'm so thankful for Adam who calls me on each and every day.

The next image is from this past fall's Trick or Treat in Assisi Heights. Our little butterfly fairy princess loved seeing some of her college friends/Girls GIFT student teachers standing in front of their homes passing out candy. Just look at the joy on these faces. I love how the pre-service teachers throw their all into their extracurriculars and volunteer service to the community and how they dote on our girl in particular. The admiration is mutual as Charlotte just loves her "college friends", too.

The lovely color-coordinated photo of Becca and me with student researcher & leader extraordinaire, Brigid, was from our conference presentation we did from the basement of Egan last November. Brigid is about to graduate, something I'm in denial over, but I'm so excited to see what is next for her. I would not have been able to do half of what I've done in the last several years if it weren't for the support of these colleagues and sisters in Christ. They each inspire me in how they live their lives, overcome challenges, and share the joy of Christ in all they do.

The next photo, and most recent, is of Mom and Charlotte with me in Finnegan Fieldhouse. I had received an award last Wednesday in part for the work I engage in each year in trying to keep the memory of Sha alive for new students at FUS. Sha is a phenomenal example of just how much impact one person can have on others. Looking out into the audience and seeing Mom and Charlotte sitting with Mom Sue, Dad Tom, & Adam, it was a bit surreal to be looking over at their table and not see Dad sitting with them. I don't think I'll ever get used to his not being there but I want to imagine he was with Sha enjoying from the best vantage point ever.

Finally, the last photo and only one not taken on campus, captures something so very much held and cherished deep inside my heart: Spiritual Motherhood. These women are student teachers and are about to leave campus...but they won't leave Charlotte's or my hearts anytime soon. They asked to come to Charlotte's 8th birthday party last month on a Sunday afternoon. They had a lot of homework and prep to do to get ready for a new school week of student teaching. Yet they chose to still come to the party and offered to facilitate the party activities and then cleaned afterwards....! What servant leaders they are and how precious they are to me as spiritual daughters! Their future students are going to be so blessed by them as teachers and spiritual mamas one day!

I'm so so so grateful for the relationships and bonds that have been built inside and outside the classroom over the years and to be able to serve in the ways I could these last ten years.

These are the words I've been sitting with in prayer. They were in the original version of my speech I gave last week. I had joked with the audience that I had a three page speech to share but what they didn't know was my original speech was SEVEN pages long....lol! Below are the pieces that didn't make the cut but I've been meditating on them in prayer ever since:

Yes, He has shown His light in the darkness by the individuals He places in my path, through the pinpricks of light and joy that poke through amidst disappointments, and through giving stamina to persevere. He has given me the eyes to exercise prudence, temperance, and yes, even the courage to take the first intentional and thoughtful step in discerning how to serve amidst ever-changing landscapes or expectations.

 

I can see now, how these service experiences from the past have been stepping stones to get to where I am now and where God may be leading my family and me in the future. Again, borrowing from the wisdom of Fr. Jonathan, in reflecting on St. Francis during St. Francis’ time in prayer with God, “As St. Francis rebuilt the Church, God rebuilt him….vocationally speaking, through ongoing conversion, which reminds us we’re never really done, are we?!”

 

I agree with Fr. Jonathan! So this begs the question: 

 

How is God rebuilding you - - whether it be through the scholarship you choose to engage in, how you teach, or the service you pour yourself into….? Through these efforts, and letting God rebuild and transform you, how are you creating a nurturing environment for not only our students, but yourselves, that encourages academic success, spiritual growth, and personal discovery to allow all to truly flourish?

 

In closing, so as to not fall into the trap of comparing, let us heed Fr. Jonathan’s words, “Pray as you can, not as you can’t”…the same could be said for service.

Serve as you can, not as you can’t.

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Please join me in prayers of gratitude for the vocation of teaching, the opportunity to serve, and for those who support the work I do. For me, I have found that I serve best through - -

• carving out the time to pray and discern God’s will…and to be open to the graces He will provide to do the work He has created for me to do..it is through receiving that I can give….that tapestry of my dignity and vocation as woman has been gifted to me by virtue of being born a woman and Daughter of God,

• living an authentic yet vulnerable life with thanks to the husband God gave to me who loves me through it all and my daughter who reminds me to always look up and to see the light,

• building community with one another through the phenomenal colleagues I’m grateful to call friends and to learn from as mentors,

• engaging in collaborating…with ideas….dreams….and then stepping out into the deep through action plans that yield to fruitfulness thanks to those who have been willing to unite and come together to share individual gifts/talents/skillsets working toward a common good, and

• working alongside my brothers and sisters in Christ, with sleeves rolled up and everyone being “all in” all for the glory of God.

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"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near."  Hebrews 10: 24 -25

Remaining in Hope: A reflection on John 19:38 - 20:18

The below is something I wrote for Springs in the Desert's Lenten Series that wrapped up this week as we celebrate Easter. Given today being Divine Mercy Sunday, I thought it was appropriate to share the below reflection for today. 

The others left the tomb but Mary Magdalene stayed. She wept and was filled with sorrow, yet she remained. Then she turned around, and Jesus was there, but she did not recognize Him. Thinking He was the gardener, she inquired as to where the body was. She remained hopeful even in the worst of times. When Mary Magdalene’s eyes were opened and she realized Jesus was standing before her, she obeyed when He instructed her to let go of Him.

She had to detach herself. She had to let fall away all that she knew to be able to accept and embrace this new reality. What a role model she is in obedience and then in sharing the news with the others as commanded!

How can we be more like Mary Magdalene? Perhaps we need to ask God to help us to as He does…to seek wisdom. While many may not willingly desire or lean into suffering in their lives, look at how Mary Magdalene suffered before finding herself restored in Jesus and in joy! Perhaps this is why she was so relentless in her waiting by the tomb. She displayed an utter trust in God for she knew He had not forsaken her.

Neither has He forsaken us in our own lives. We are called to obey even when we do not understand why and perhaps especially more so when it comes to suffering. God has promised He will redeem our sorrow and that no one will be able to take our joy from us. Additionally, we must recall that it is not necessarily the suffering itself, but rather, how we suffered, that really counts.

Yes, Mary Magdalene was deeply distressed and in sorrow at the tomb but she suffered with grace and humility. She allowed herself to be detached and to let Jesus go (again). Isn’t that how living with infertility goes? Each month, after another cycle occurs, letting go may occur bit by bit. Each day, when the call from the adoption agency doesn’t occur, letting go may occur. Yet, we can consciously choose to face these sufferings with grace and humility.

May we run to the heart of Our Father and truly know that Jesus is right alongside us, weeping with us just as He stood so near to Mary Magdalene before she recognized Him. Absolutely nothing is wasted. What if our hands are too full holding on to something, or someone, so tightly that God is unable to give us what He desires to give us? Could it be that suffering’s role is to try to empty our hands? What is God teaching us? He is constantly making all things new!

Tilling a garden takes a lot of hard work. It may involve plowing, moving a lot of dirt, and planting seeds which take some time to grow. However, bit by bit, what seemed barren and lifeless can begin to teem with life…even if it looks different from what we pictured.

In St. John’s account of the Resurrection Mary Magdalene, in her grief, does not recognize Jesus - until He speaks her name. Imagine yourself at “the tomb” of your grief, anxiety, anger, and all the emotions on your path of infertility or loss. Picture Jesus meeting you there, showing you His wounds and inviting you to place yours in them. Listen as Jesus calls you by name. Rest in this Garden with Him. Can you think of a time when you wanted to flee a situation and not face it? What about that situation made you want to flee? What made you stay?  What are ways you can be more like Mary Magdalene? How can you cultivate or plant the seeds of hope in your own gardens when all seems lost?  Describe a situation in which you had to be obedient similar to how Mary Magdalene was obedient in letting Jesus go when she at long last realized He was standing at her side by the tomb. Have you faced a situation in which you had to practice obedience in spite of preferring a different outcome? In retrospect, what helped you to behave in this way? What are some concrete ways to know Jesus has not left our side? Make a list of ways He reveals His presence to you during both the times of suffering and times of joy. Compare and contrast what you have observed.