Baptismversary!

I posted this two years ago today.  

I had excitedly planned for this special day for four months after the birth of Charlotte.  Adam and I had even gone on a tasting at the restaurant where we had her Baptism Party after the mass in February a couple weeks before she was born.  We went to a couple bakeries to investigate cakes and I even was able to get a custom order of peanut butter rice krispie treats with chocolate icing from a man we had met during an Advent Market the previous Christmas.  So, as you can see, planning for Charlotte's Baptism was a multi-month affair and I was really excited for her family from both sides to be present for her entrance to the Church and wanted to make the day extra special for all involved. 

Charlotte's Baptism Day, as well as today, is the feast day of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Yes, two years ago from today Charlotte Annie was baptized! My mom reminded me this morning that four years ago today was my wedding dress fitting as well. Until today, I hadn't thought of the connection between the donning of a white (well, ivory) dress for that sacrament versus the smaller (somewhat) white dress for Charlotte to wear for her first sacrament on the very same day a couple years later.

There are many things that could be shared about Our Lady of Mount Carmel but my favorite revolves around what is typically called the "brown scapular" which is a religious article and devotional custom within our faith. As a child, I remember not caring for the traditional wearing of the scapular as it was itchy and uncomfortable under my uniform.  For those of you not familiar with the practice, the scapular was a type of work apron made up of a front and and back that is joined together over the shoulders that had traditionally been worn by monks.  The scapular formed some parts of the habit or "uniform" of some religious orders.  One such order was that of the Carmelites who lived in the Mt. Carmel region.  St. Simon Stock, according to history, had received a smaller form of the scapular that could be worn like a necklace as a symbol of membership to the order that among other things focuses on chastity, the rosary, and a desire to grow closer to Jesus through imitating Mary, his Mother.

Years later, as an adult in 2011, Mom and I attended a half day retreat at my church in York, PA that ended in being vested in and receiving scapulars before I headed to a wedding that afternoon.

The last part of the retreat took place in the chapel where unknowingly four years later, I would engage in the First Non-Look with my future husband on our wedding day!  Thus began my rededication to this devotion that continues even to today seven years later.  Toward the end of summer 2011, I began wearing a blessed Our Lady of Mt. Carmel medal to replace the itchy scapular - - guess some things don't change!

Fast forward to 2016 when Charlotte was born and it was time to choose a baptism date. She was born in early March a few weeks shy of Easter. In an effort to accommodate family schedules, we were delighted when the church gave us the date of Saturday, July 16th, as an option. Charlotte was born on the feast day of Sts. Perpetua and Felicity and now would have a connection with Our Lady of Mount Carmel by being baptized on such a special day!

Charlotte was up super early the morning of her Baptism.  This was taken as the sun rose...guess she knew that it was the dawning of a special day!!

I was excited to hang this up above the threshold to the St. Francis room/Charlotte's nursery.  My parents had gifted us with this unique crucifix I had seen on the day Adam proposed out in Colorado for Charlotte's Baptism Day.  They had given it to us some time before July 16th rolled around but I waited until that weekend to hang it where it has resided ever since.  Isn't it so beautiful?  I love how it is a daily reminder that Jesus is reaching out to us and has given us the Holy Spirit to guide us.

Looking back, I have thought back on that beautiful time surrounding the sacrament so often.  That week was so special as it was when Pa (Adam's Dad) met his second granddaughter for the first time as well as Aunt Wendy who is her godmother!  Dan and Sue made the trip in from Virginia Beach and were able to meet her for the first time then.  I will share the fun we had that week in another post so more to come later!  

Charlotte was all smiles when we checked to make sure her bonnet from Aunt Wendy still fit her that morning.  We attended the 5pm mass and the Baptism followed after it.  What was extra special was that we had worked with the organist of our church, Joe, who allowed us to hand select all the songs for that mass. 

Three of the songs were played during our wedding mass so it was wonderful to hear them in the context of Charlotte's Baptism mass the following summer.  My hurting heart was especially comforted when I saw what was listed for July 17th....and this sentiment went well with the song that we had chosen for the closing song of the mass:  "It is Well with My Soul ".  

 The above and below passages were great reminders, during Charlotte's Baptism Mass, to keep persevering amidst the trials that will inevitably come our way.

We also recycled a song from our wedding mass, "Make Me a Channel of Your Peace", as one of my desires for Charlotte is that she feels peace no matter where she is in life and that she lives a life of service to others emulating Jesus' example.  Additionally, "Be Not Afraid" will hopefully inspire her to lean on God always and to not fear the unknown or changes she may encounter as she goes through life.

 I strayed from the traditional all white dress for Charlotte's Baptism as the colorful flowers on this dress comforted me and reminded me of God's promise through the symbol of a rainbow.  The colors also reminded me of the wedding.  Some of my nephews even wore their shirts from the wedding the previous year!  More importantly, as I said, the dress' colors of the rainbow signified to me that God's promises still hold true and that all will be (and is) well. :)I wanted Charlotte's Baptism Day to be full of hope and peace and dressing her in this dress that was a hand me down from her big cousin, Mason, did just that!

I love this photo of Charlotte's godparents - - her Uncle Patrick and Aunt Wendy!!

Poor Braden!  He was upset he wasn't holding Charlotte Annie!

We enjoyed fellowship with one another and a dinner followed by cake at a restaurant downtown after mass.  It was lovely having the banquet room to ourselves with our own bathroom so that we did not have to worry about noise levels or disturbing other patrons of the restaurant!

This was a beautiful gift from my sister-in-law, Liz, that perfectly matched the decor at the party after mass!  I ended up displaying it next to the cake which was the perfect finishing touch! 

  The children enjoyed the various stations I had set up for the children to complete.  The guests also signed a book for Charlotte to enjoy when she gets older.  

We were so thankful for those who were able to come spend time with us as Charlotte was welcomed into the church.  During the blessing, Aunt Maureen (my godmother) led us all in a spontaneous rendition of "This is the Day the God has Made", that reduced me to a puddle of tears.  This song has special meaning for my Mom and me and was actually one of the songs Adam and I had selected for our wedding but were unable to use.  We were able to have it be the responsorial psalm for Charlotte's Baptism mass though!

Looking back at these photos from two years ago, I see I'm missing ones that contain my parents so Mom and Dad, if you're reading this and have any pictures, please do send them my way so I can include them in this post!  xoxo

Here are the favors and decor I worked on in the weeks leading up to the Baptism.  Some people may view these preparations as being extreme but I just wanted it to be a special time for all and to honor our Blessed Mother as well.  Our Lady of Mt. Carmel holds a special place in my heart and it was by divine providence that this special celebration fell on that day!!

 Getting everything ready to take to the restaurant after mass!

 Since this was a celebration of a Baptism, I inserted straws with fish at the ends for the kiddos' favor bags.  They went with the children's book on the sacrament that was available for reading at the restaurant as one of the stations I planned.

 These were yummy caramels that were placed
on the tables as centerpieces...get it...?  Our Lady of Mt. CARMEL.... ; )

 
 The guests were also given holy cards that displayed this beautiful picture of Mary and Jesus and then on the back had a prayer for a special need on them.  Adam and I are currently praying this prayer for the next nine days (kind of as a backwards novena) to discern some education decisions, for a friend's adoption of their little boy Toby, and for another friend who's son was in an accident yesterday.  Won't you consider joining us in prayer over the next nine days by praying the Our Lady of Mt. Carmel prayer?

I also included the address and information on the guests' dinner selections since these prayer cards were given to the guests immediately after the Baptism as we departed the church.

I even tried my hand at origami by trying to make butterflies as part of the decor.  The tissue paper flowers were easier (and more fun for me) to make that you can see in the bag above and on the cake table.  The colors of these handmade decorations reminded me of our wedding too!

 Here is everything all packed up and ready to go!  I snapped this picture as Charlotte and I wrapped up our preparations for her big day!  This was just before I donated my hair too.  I had forgotten how long it had grown until I saw this picture!

We had a beautiful day of sunshine, love, and blessings for Charlotte's Baptism Day.  One of our favorite gifts from that evening was a traditional gift from Aunt Marie.  She makes a Baptism Quilt for all her grandchildren and grandnieces/nephews.  I was so thrilled to open it and see the theme of The Poky Little Puppy...one of my favorite childhood books and hopefully it will soon be Charlotte's favorite too!  Here it is in the St. Francis Room the next day.

I will need to add a picture of the quilt actually spread out and on display so it can be viewed in all its glory.  It's worth the wait I promise!  ; )

After our guests departed the following week, we were left with some of these mementos.

These are the sealed letters from Charlotte's Godparents that are being stored in the frame on the left below from her Baptism Day.  She will open them when she is confirmed.  What a special treat it will be for her to read these letters written from the heart.

You can tell by Charlotte's smiling face she loved having her family with her for Baptism Week! 

 What a blessing it is to be walking through life with this man at my side.  I wouldn't want to be on this (faith) journey with anyone else and am so thankful to have such a strong Catholic leader for our family and household.

The above picture is my favorite from that day even though  Charlotte isn't smiling.  When I look at this picture, I'm reminded of God's steadfast love and that hope endures all things.  There is a stillness about this picture even though there was a flurry of activity happening at the moment.  I framed it and have it in our living room in an effort to hang on to that peace and to keep forefront in my mind that God is still here and all around us.  Be still and know....Psalm 46:10.

Just for fun...a photo shoot with the Baptism bonnet a few weeks later toward end of summer.  I find it amazing that in the top right and bottom left pictures, she looks like me when I was a baby but in the other two pictures she more closely resembles Adam.  I miss when she was this little as I sit here and reflect on where we were two years ago but it's been a joy seeing her personality develop and hearing her thoughts come spilling out through her speech.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading and for reliving this joyous day with me.  It was two years in the making of writing and I'm glad it's finally done...it is hard to go back and relive milestones such as this one knowing it is the only time we will experience baptizing a child we have birthed and standing as witnesses to raising the child up in God.  Just typing this alone brings up tears but there is joy mixed in with the sadness as is so often the case when it comes to documenting these sorts of things for our little one.  

However, looking back at July 16, 2016, this day was definitely a positive bright day amidst many dark days over the last couple years and seeing the songs and readings from that mass are gentle reminders to follow my own advice or ways of thinking when I selected them for Charlotte to consider some day when she is older.  Shepherd me indeed, Oh God, for I can't do this alone.  Allow the pain and sadness to serve as redemptive suffering and use me however you see fit.  All for the glory of God and Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, pray for us!  Pax.

Holding on..

I saw this quote the other day and it got me thinking about the connections we have.

Connections to others...to both strangers and familiar folks. Connections to what we dream or plan for ourselves. Connections to our families whether biological or those we create for ourselves. Connections to our vocations and work we do both inside and outside the home. We all envision our future whether it be in thinking of what we do today, in the next ten minutes, or if we map out the next decade.

Throughout these past couple weeks of summer I have been responding to emails from advisees looking to confirm fall schedules, change to education majors, and/or needing to talk about career goals for after graduating. Each conversation with a student who is trying to map out every single class of his or her college career and where he or she plans to teach after leaving the university reminds me of how I was in planning out each little detail of my life.

Yet, at the drop of a hat, things change. Life is unpredictable but I am so grateful for connections that remain or form as a result. Some connections fade while others grow stronger but God has you. He will never abandon you.  If you are struggling or feeling lonely, reach out as He never tires of extending his hand out to you.

Yes, life is so very different from how I envisioned it. I am married to someone from the opposite side of the country. Half our families are on either coast of the US. My business man of a husband is pursuing a career in education. We have one precious daughter instead of the six or more children we had dreamt of per Adam's old license plate (that is a story for another day). I spend my days teaching college students more so than school aged students.

There are still some days I can't wrap my head around the fact that I am not still nannying my niece/nephews or teaching children in the summers but even though life looks different from how it did in the past, it is so beautiful by the grace of God. I am a walking contradiction sometimes. I am filled with joy each time I see this precious and full of personality child. My heart exploded a little when I saw her smiling back at her Dad against this amazing view when hiking at the beach the other day.

Yes, this sweetie pie has brightened our lives so much but the truth is, I am also drifting and feel tossed and turned about in the ocean at times. There are days when I have all I need in how life has turned out (which is huge progress from shortly after Charlotte's birth) but then during other days I find myself holding on to old dreams or plans. The above quote and trying to truly stay in the moment rather than sinking into the sorrow is helping me to move ever so closer to truly embracing all that comes with the life that is waiting for me, sorrows, pain, and all. No one gets through life without experiencing these things but with the help of connections and God, I am thankful for the graces and opportunities to grow and to seek and hold on to the joy that is all around us... How about you? Are there ways in which you can Just Open Yourself to receive the love of our Father today?

I know I posted a similar picture of my niece and me a few years back...it is amazing how much connections, and God working though others or these opportunities, can help us along the journey. Thanks be to God for my husband, daughter, and other family for lifting me up when I fall. 

Always forward, never back!

Happy Feast Day of St. Junipero Serra! He is known for saying, "Always forward, never back!"

This is a quote I have been actively trying to embrace more these days. Yesterday was a particularly trying day after an unexpected conversation about family size with a stranger. While at lunch, another patron commented on our two year old then asked if we had any more children. I said no. She asked if we might have more? For the first time I said, "we'll see" then turned away from the woman to end the conversation. This was the first time I gave this sort of answer instead of saying a variant of the whole, "we had complications so she is the only child we will ever bear" story. After we left, my husband commented saying wouldn't you rather just tell the truth? I didn't feel I was lying but rather was ending the unwanted conversation by saying an open ended statement. I am just always caught off guard and don't want to be a hot mess when I get a bit teary at having to say we are unable to have more.... You would think I would have better composure after two years of living with this new truth.

I obviously need to have a better prepared way to answer the question that brings up so many emotions...I faced some of this while our ten and nine year old niece and nephew were with us for almost two weeks. Our first day of our annual summer trip together found us at the grocery store. As we were walking in, I experienced something I hadn't since living in North Carolina. When living down south, when taking my niece and nephews out on errands and out and about in the community, I used to get comments all the time about what sweet or beautiful children they were. I would smile and say, "Thank you! They are my niece and nephews and we sure do love them!" while anticipating the day I would hopefully have my own brood in tow someday. My years of nannying, babysitting, and even teaching and coaching always seemed to be preparing me for when it would be my turn.... Or so I thought.

So when I was entering Kroger with my niece, nephew, and daughter on the first day of our stay together, a sense of familiarity struck me when an elderly woman commented on what beautiful children I had. It had been years since I heard what used to be a regular phrase when I helped with my niece/nephews. Only this time, pain was there too instead of the joyful anticipation of what could be. The dear woman, one I see frequently at Adoration, had no idea what I was feeling over her statement and I simply smiled and said thanks. Mason and Clark giggled over the fact that someone thought their aunt was their mom and we moved on to the produce section.

A few days later, while taking all three to a trolley museum in a nearby state, we were patiently waiting for a streetcar to pick us up at our stop. An older gentleman glanced at us and asked, "Are these all your children?" to which I cheerfully said, "Yup! This one is my daughter and these two are my niece and nephew!" without thinking too much about it. I didn't feel pain this time but more matter of fact about it is what it is for lack of a better way of putting it.

Later, when reflecting and praying about these experiences, I felt extra thankful for the opportunity for Adam and me to provide not only Charlotte and my nieces and nephews with these summer memories but in a way, by doing something that my brothers and I may have taken for granted (growing up, we have cherished memories of doing these side little trips with our aunts with one sibling or just ourselves), I am finding healing. With the exception of the summer after Charlotte's birth, I have been involved in some way, shape, or form with my North Carolina niece and nephews. Since summer 2008 I either babysat them every other week, lived with them, or welcomed them into my home. When saying goodbye to them, and my brother and sister-in-law, the other afternoon it dawned on me that God is providing me other ways to nurture and tend to multiple children at once even if they aren't mine. He provided Charlotte with eleven straight days of pseudo-siblings and Adam and I got the chance to coparent other kiddos beside Charlotte Annie. I am grateful for my brother and sister-in-law's trust in us to take some of their children for a couple weeks and the love the cousins have for little Charlotte. Charlotte sure does love them as well as all her other cousins!

This is an exciting week as we are currently driving to another cousin's birthday party and she will be seeing her West Coast family by week's end!

Always forward, never back...thank you, Jesus, for helping me to redream what the future could look like for my little family. Yesterday was tough but I didn't come completely unhinged which is progress on this path to healing.  I am actively seeking on working to appreciate and hold on to the positives for there are so many blessings even if hidden from view.

Red balloon surprises

Reality never really goes away does it. Today, it came in the form of staring at the words "25 weeks pregnant" written in the notes section after my name before they were deleted by the dental hygienist during my appointment this afternoon. So quickly those words were erased as she back spaced in updating her patient notes in what was a routine mundane part of her work day yet it made time stand still for me. If I had blinked, I would have missed seeing those words. As the dental hygienist scrolled down her computer screen, I recalled that doctor appointment from November 2015 and how giddy with excitement I was as I bantered back and forth with the hygienist that day saying I *only* had 15 weeks to go until meeting the little babe nestled inside me.

Next, I was snapped out of that reverie when I saw the big black letters that spelled out, "Hysterectomy 03/07/16", as I sat in that cold hard chair at the dentist's office with the fan blowing cold stale air down on me. You'd think by now just seeing that word or thinking of that date would not bring the hot tears or lump in my throat anymore. You'd think that the nonchalant way of the question of, "So you had a hysterectomy on March 7th, 2016 but have you had any other surgeries since then?" would just slide off me by now. So odd these questions were being asked even though I've been to the dentist multiple times since Charlotte's birth. I am going to chalk it up to the fact that I had a new hygienist today.

You'd think I would instead choose to stand in the light and bask in the joys and chaos of raising a 2.25 year old. That I wouldn't keep hearing the doctor's voice say, "we have to take the uterus" on auto loop over and over and over in my head as my mind drifts back to that night. Oh, what I would give to just permanently erase her voice and the sting of the message from my mind. I wish I could permanently turn the volume down on that phrase that continuously plays in my mind and instead increase the volume of Charlotte's laughter or a waterfall gushing by or the soothing tune of a beloved Bryan Adams or Kim Kalman song.

But to do so would change part of the story. The story that began the same night the other story ended. Sweet Charlotte's story was in the beginning stages and brought to light that night. This is the book I'm choosing to pick up and burying my nose in...this is the story I want to memorize and know every detail of...this is the choose your own adventure I was thrust into and I'm so thankful for the characters who jump off the pages each day as this story unfolds. God's creativity and love know no bounds and being the ultimate author already knows how it all goes.

Let me tell you about the current setting. He brought me to this little town four years ago. He led me to this community that is unlike any other. Yesterday, when heading out to a playdate with my cousins, we found a red balloon tied to our car by Charlotte's door. It even had a loop at the end of the string to fit on a small child's wrist. Now, did this balloon drift to our car and just happen to lodge itself near Charlotte's car seat or did someone put it there? Who knows?! What I do know is that I had one happy little girl who hugged that balloon the whole way to Pittsburgh area and insisted it go on the stroller when she and I took our evening walk. She squeals with glee each time she sees the balloon and I'm thankful for whoever orchestrated that surprise even if it was the wind (??!!).

Each page of our story contains the unknown, even if it's just a silly little toy that brings joy to a sweet innocent 2.25 year old little girl or if it's a routine appointment that rears pain's ugly thoughts but forces a struggling mom to turn to prayer all the more that night, and but it's still being written. These little surprises can help us to remember to let hope float much like the red balloon tries to do when the string is let go. Praise God the story is still being written instead of being a memoir of an unexpected ending thanks to the life saving hysterectomy that yielded both the biggest heartache and the biggest relief that I'm still here to be Mommy to the biggest surprise of all.