Growing Pains

I write this posting from a house in western PA that contains many of my earliest childhood memories.  

Last night, I slept in what I fondly think of as the “kids’ room”.  Growing up, cribs used to line the one wall of this front bedroom that all of us kids slept in…and the one my Mom and her sisters shared.  Many Christmas Eve nights were spent in that bedroom and thinking back, I laugh to think of the times I just KNEW I heard the reindeer and Santa on the roof.  In college, when needing breaks from IUP and weekends away, I slept in this room as a familiar reminder of days gone by…last night I tried to sleep in the kids’ room but only got about two or three hours for I was eagerly anticipating going to a new campus this morning!  When I woke up, rather than joyously running down the steps to take a look at the presents under the Christmas tree, I skipped down the steps and out to my car to start the new adventure in Ohio.

What an overwhelming morning it was and I certainly have a very tough fall semester ahead of me.  I will be teaching four classes back to back on Mondays among many other things.  I’ve never been one to shrink away from challenges but the thought of all that I’m about to encounter this Fall (that I know of and don’t even realize just yet) is daunting to say the least.  However, I know if God will bring me to it, He will bring me through it.  I am very excited to teach again…but am anxious to know what it is I’m to teach and start making sense of the three overflowing boxes of textbooks, materials, old coursework, papers, program reports, and whatever else that I hauled into my car this afternoon.  The sooner I can get the syllabi created, the sooner I can start to meet the needs of my students who have already enrolled in my courses.

By the time I pulled in on McMinn Street after work today, I was done for…I left the boxes in my car, briefly chatted with my Mom’s cousin, did a few wedding-related tasks and made some phone calls, then retreated to a different bedroom upstairs.  A different kind of memory envelopes this room for this was my parents’ room when we would stay here as children.  Perhaps that is why I stayed in it when my brothers and I would make week-long trips to see my grandmother during our summers off from school. 

On one particular trip, I remember making it through a whole week of fun with my Pittsburgh cousins, aunt, uncle, Aunt Jane and Uncle Johnny next door, and of course my grandmother while staying at my Grandma’s house with my brother in 3^rd or 4^th grade that included seeing my Aunt and Uncle’s new house, eating pot pies on dinner trays in the living room as we watched Wheel of Fortune at 7pm each night, and going to Jimmy’s Corner Store for lottery tickets down the street.  Yet on the night before we were to return home to northeastern PA, I lay on this same bed I’m sitting on right now and cried into my pillow due to missing my parents so much.  I remember especially missing my Mom’s hug and wishing she were there that night to tuck me in when my grandma’s small frame filled the doorway partially blocking the light that spilled in from the square hallway at the top of the steps.  

Grandma had come in to say goodnight and was startled to find me crying.  She asked what was wrong.  I recall feeling guilty in saying that I missed my Mom when I was going to see her the next day which meant Brian and I would be leaving my grandmother alone in her house.  Did my grandmother remind me of this last fact?  Did she said to not be silly because I would be sleeping all the way across the state in my own canopied bed the next night?  Did she try to remind me of the fun I had in making my book about Daisy and her invisible island on her front porch over the last several days?  Nope.  She simply took me in her arms, wiped away my tears, and said she understood.  She certainly did for she had lost her mother at a young age and grew up without a mother.  She said how wonderful of a mother I had (her daughter) and that of course I would miss her and that it was okay to do so.  She cheered me up and I promptly fell asleep.  Today, after spending the morning prepping for my new job this fall, I came back to Aliquippa and wished my Mom and Grandmother were there to dry my tears.  Mom was still there via texts and she reminded me any new job is overwhelming in the beginning and to have no fear.  

I’m glad I have the hindsight to realize this is just a stepping stone and this time next year all of this will be a fuzzy memory.  Last May, at this point, I was stressing over collecting my dissertation data and you know what..it got done anyhow!  Many nights of worry and wondering if I was good enough were spent in this little house when I stayed here in Fall 2002 during my semester of student teaching in Uniontown, Butler, Slippery Rock, and Grove City areas.  I got through my doubts then and went on to have a pretty successful teaching career until 2010.   In NC, I wondered if I would make it and finish my program and did.  

Now, I stand on the brink of another new horizon and wonder if I have what it takes.  As is usually the case, I know I will feel much better once I have a plan (in this case, the four syllabi figured out as a starting point).   

I also get to see the house I will call "home' tomorrow and meet my lovely housemates/landlord so am excited about that!  An added bonus is we will go to mass together at noon....which is definitely something I'm in need of at the moment.  Onward and upward!!