I’m so appreciative of the friends and family who have been helping us through the last two months. Their kind words, empathy, and support have been so helpful in working through the emotions. It’s a tricky thing, this grief business, where I’m seemingly fine one minute and then a mess the next. Earlier this week, Adam made a comment that I seem to be doing better in that I’m not spontaneously crying like I used to do right after we came home from the hospital so I suppose that’s progress…Another recent revelation that was interesting to me is that three different friends shared with me how on the morning and day Charlotte was born they could sense something was wrong (even though nothing was mentioned on social media and no messages had been sent out to those outside the immediate family just yet). All three come from different backgrounds and belief systems yet these friends shared with me how they held me in prayer and sent positive thoughts my way. I’m so appreciative of the prayers and the well wishes as they are a huge part of my healing process as I work my way through complete acceptance of it all and towards healing (both emotional and physical).
A friend also recently shared with me her thoughts that by our knowing Charlotte is the only child we will biologically have will help us to savor the present all the more rather than being a couple who assumed there would be more had circumstances been different. This line of thought reminded me of when Adam said, about a month ago, something along the lines of, “Well, now we know” in reminding me of our plans that we would accept the number of children God would bless us with when folks would ask how many children we wanted. I suppose there is some comfort in knowing that absolute…even if it is drastically different from what was anticipated. I also realized something else recently…being the only girl in my family with three brothers I used to long for a sister. I don't know if this is something everyone goes through..in wishing for someone else of the same gender but that was my experience as a child. All through elementary and even in early middle school, I can recall tearfully asking my Mom to have just one more baby and that even if it was another boy, that I wouldn’t mind because this one would be my little buddy even though deep down I really hoped for a little sister. Thinking back on this strong desire for a sister, now that I have a daughter, it feels as if that desire was fulfilled in a different way (thank you God for knowing our deepest desires and what is best for us!). I don’t know if I would have felt the same way had I been an only child (in wishing for siblings) and wonder what I will say to Charlotte if and when that day comes when she begs us for a sibling as I used to do to my Mom.
However, hearing from different friends, including our doula, about their experiences as only children, I came to the realization that I have been so busy comparing what I perceive being an only child will be like as to what I actually did experience as one child of several which is not fair as I didn’t have that experience and I shouldn’t project my expectations of that onto what Charlotte will experience. I am tremendously grateful to the friends who have shared with me their experiences of being only children as I work to come to terms with Charlotte’s destiny as an only child. They have been helping me to see beyond my own experience and realizing there are other perspectives/experiences that are wonderful too just in different ways! Charlotte will have unique and special opportunities to bond with her friends and cousins and perhaps even the children in the neighborhood. They say friends are the family you choose for yourself and she will have the chance to do that over the years I’m sure! Hearing from those who grew up as only children is helping me to think outside of my limited view and realizing that different is okay. Who knows, maybe my being the only girl in my family is similar to Charlotte's exerience as an only child and we will have that in common? Our daughter is teaching me in ways I hadn’t conceived and this is just one more example and probably just one of many that I will learn over the course of her lifetime. Through her lived experience, I will learn a new perspective! I have so many hopes and dreams (a thousand plus!!) for our daughter but I hadn't really considered how she might change me as a person and she's already doing it! The hand lotion I had at the hospital, in my overnight bag, was a scent from Bath and Body Works called "A Thousand Wishes". For me, this sweet scent will forever be associated with these beginning days as we became a family of three and also represents, in a way, the thousand+ wishes I will have for Charlotte and I suspect...the many different wonderful experiences/opportunities/ways we can grow that our little family will experience.
Earlier this week, as I wrote the
check for yet another hospital bill, I felt the now familiar feeling of
resentment begin to rise up as viewing the itemized bill for the
unplanned/unwanted surgeries felt in a way like adding salt to the wound. Add to that earlier this week I discovered Adam had referred to our unborn kiddo as Charles (the boy name we had planned to use) in a hypothetical account that made me realize another layer of pain on Adam's end that he won't be a father to a son. He is, however, beyond head over heels in love with our daughter and is so tender with her that any disappointment he may have felt seems to have vanished via the love he has for our little peanut. Still, the feelings of resentment and despair tend to rise when I mull over the permanency and finality of it all. The surgery bills are tangible reminders of all that was lost or unfairly taken away, however, as my Mom pointed out, it beats the
alternative. Had the surgeries not occurred,
I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this and wouldn’t have shared in the joys
and challenges of the last two months with my husband. I still don’t know what the purpose of all
this unexpected turn of events is….Does God have something else in mind for us and if so, what
is it? I’m so curious. Adoption?
Missionary work? Is it so Adam can
go to school full time? Or even part
time if he continues his current job? Perhaps
it’s so I can continue to work so I can mother others through teaching while
also serving as a mother to our precious Charlotte? Maybe it’s so we can pay off the house
sooner?? Early in this experience,
within Charlotte’s birth week while we were still in the hospital, I wondered
if I could perhaps volunteer at the hospital to talk to other couples who find
themselves in the same unexpected situation.
Could that be one of the reasons why we went through what we did? It’s all so surreal (still even after two
months of trying to process it) that it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around
it sometimes and I can tell I need to continue praying about it. I trust God will reveal His plan to us when
it’s time.
Speaking of time, this morning was a
productive one for Charlotte and me. She
contentedly watched from her boppy with her stuffed animals surrounding her as
I switched out the closet I share with her in the St. Francis room from winter
clothes to summer clothes. I usually
have this task done by now but was a tad busy over the last two months. ; ) As
I went through the clothing, sorting into piles and purging a few items, I
paused when I got to the maternity clothing.
Earlier this week, I had already returned some items and found new homes
for others. The few remaining pieces of
maternity wear were some of my favorites I had worn this past year when
pregnant. One of my favorites was this
one that you can see in the image below from the day Adam and I departed
California over the holidays. I decided
to keep it even if just to wear to bed as pajamas. It was difficult parting with the maternity
wear as I when I had purchased them, I had expected to wear them during
multiple pregnancies. However, I’m
grateful I had the chance to wear them even if only once!!
 |
| It's so awesome to look back at pictures and sonograms from the pregnancy and realize that our little Charlotte was the one in there. Oh, how we love her!! |
Thinking about the womb being
Charlotte’s first home, I am glad I was able to provide for her in spite of the
fateful fibroids that should have interfered and impacted with her development
so much so to the point that she should not have made it nor have been
conceived in the first place. Praise God
the story turned out differently and that against crazy odds she developed and
grew within me lasting until her due date when she made her grand entrance. I think often of those first five hours after
she was born as the “golden hours” rather than just the first hour that is
traditionally called that term. Thinking
of these initial moments with Charlotte help when sad and/or negative feelings
arise over my resulting infertility. Even
though I was in pain and there was tremendous blood loss during those first
five hours that time spent nursing Charlotte and just gazing at her face was
one of the most special times in my life to date and is something I will always
cherish. Some women aren’t so lucky to
have that with their children and I truly am thankful for that time. I’m also so incredibly thankful we had that time
together as a family. It almost helps to
make up for the hours I missed out on that evening as I was taken away for
surgery. I missed Adam’s feeding her for
the first time, her first bath, seeing the bonding that occurred with my
parents and her, and hate to think about the fact that she was separated from
me for so long. The next several days
were difficult as I was unable to go to her or pick her up from the bassinette when
she needed held or fed and had to rely on someone else being there to hand her
to me. However, knowing she was in
terrific care via the nurses, my parents, and of course her Dad helps to take
the sting out of the unexpected events on the first night of her life and in
the following days.
As the semester ends and finals
begin to wrap up, I once again reflect on how grateful I am to have the time
with Charlotte via my maternity leave.
It has been so wonderful being able to spend all this time with her
without having to write lesson plans, grade projects and papers, and worry too
much about deadlines at work. I really
hope I can strike some sort of balance over the summer between being there for
Charlotte and research that I can carry over into the fall when teaching reenters
the picture. I’m glad I have the summer
to try to figure that out and can take my time in figuring out with Adam what
will work best for our family.
The past two months have sped by and
while it hasn’t been easy, it also hasn’t been overly difficult I don’t
think. Having said that, I guess the
best way to describe this process and point in time would be emotional. One second I think I have it together as a
new mom and the next I'm about to pull out my hair in frustration when I can't
pacify or calm Charlotte. Add to that
the fact that time is already flying by so quickly (with this week being finals
week at work) which makes me miss our baby girl already for when I return to
work in August. This seems crazy I know
for I shouldn’t be worried about something a few months away and should relish
the present. I think that’s part of why
I’m trying so hard to get some of these thoughts down in writing. There are so
many things I've wanted to try write down to try to preserve some of
these thoughts/feelings from this special time but there doesn’t seem to be
enough time in the day with all the immediate things that need done or my
attention. Then, when I do sit down at
the computer I'm utterly exhausted and another day winds up going by without
writing. A few friends pointed out how Charlotte
might treasure these reflections when she is older which is something I hadn't
considered before but I love the idea! By
writing these things down I will be able to share them with Charlotte as well.
Thinking of sharing these early memories with her is terrific motivation to try
to find some kind of balance so that I can get back to writing more regularly...but
for now sleep wins. ;)
Fortunately there are more bright days than dark days and as a dear friend reminded me, Charlotte (and Adam and I) have been given the graces to be a member of our little family, which means she's equipped exactly to deal with the joys and challenges we will face together in family life. That is so beautiful and I hadn’t even considered this until it was pointed out to me. I just adore this concept of God pouring out the graces and replenishing those blessings as needed as we all move forward down this path!!
Finally, as I close out this
reflection and it is now Mother’s Day seeing as it is now 2am, here is something
fun I just discovered. Adam had already
noticed that St. Patrick’s Day falls between my birthday in late February and
his birthday in early April (which makes Charlotte’s March birthday fun because
it’s between our birthdays too) but tonight I realized that our wedding
anniversary falls almost in the middle between Mother’s Day and Father’s
Day. How beautiful is that...to think that through our vocation as husband and wife that we are now parents and the three dates associated with these roles are so closely linked as our three birthdays are? Gotta love God's timing!!
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