Back and forth

We rock back and forth
as we've done so many other nights
Her fine hair standing up on her head swaying in the slight breeze
Utterly relaxed and content she teeters on the edge of dreamland and sleep.

From her snuggly cozy position in my arms
she is slowly drinking the last of her milk.
Tiny fingers reach up and twist themselves around my necklace gingerly embracing the heart charm
and her little legs bounce in excitement.

She doesn't know it yet but she is my heart.
She is the most precious gift.
From her bright eyes oh so blue to the little dimple that makes an appearance during a certain smile or the face she makes when she crinkles her nose and the cooing and babbling she makes
to her skin soft as silk
she has been such a blessing to her Daddy and me.

We rock back and forth and she giggles with glee
as I lean in and kiss her on both cheeks.
The only other sound is the occasional creaking of the rocking chair
and her slowing down rhythmic breathing as her eyelids begin to grow heavy.
I hope she will always know how much she was wanted
how much she is loved
and how much joy she has brought since her arrival.

We rock back and forth but my mind, too, goes back and forth
from sheer joy to unimaginable despair
thinking of all that has happened in the last year.
Lost in my thoughts with the sleeping babe
she stirs, sighs, then drifts off again
before the solitary tear rolls off my cheek and lands on her hair.
Uninterrupted by this small drop, she is at peace
reminding and teaching me to try at least.

We rock back and forth these days
my little family.
Up and down, side to side
each day is the chance to try to embrace the cross all the more and grow in grace.

From day one, she has always looked up as if to search for an answer from Heaven
even in the middle of the night during those constant feedings in the early days.
I already miss the chances to rock baby girl thinking of how the day will come when she will want this rocking and cuddling no more.
There I go again with the mind thinking of possible options of what might happen and going back and forth...

However, I will just lean in and breathe that baby smell
as we rock back and forth
and thank God for this heavenly time of the present
as my heart swells from being so full of love for our little angel.