Amazing Impact of One

It's been three years since I lost the organ that allowed Charlotte Annie to enter our lives.  My uterus that is supposed to be for creating life literally was trying to take my life the night Charlotte was starting hers.  The only thing left to do after having uncontrollable heavy unexplained bleeding for five hours straight after Charlotte's birth was to remove it. 

In the last couple years since that happened, I've felt physically and figuratively numb over how everything unfolded on that day.  There are parts of my lower stomach that are numb near the incision and there have been days or times of the day that I try to just zone out and ignore the emotional pain.  I'm participating in a book study with the ladies in my community this semester that has been all about vulnerability and not numbing yourself to these feelings.  Reading the pages of Daring Greatly has opened my eyes to ways I didn't realize I may have been numbing or avoiding feelings.  Now the question is...what to do with this knowledge??

I think one of the keys is to behave your way out of it.  Efforts to rise above despair and to lift up your head from the sadness require physical concrete steps and actions.  So, one way I've been able to combat this is to focus on what my body can do rather than what it can no longer do! 

I have the ability to see our blond haired full of sass blue eyed girl.  I can see the crayon marks on the wall.  I see the way she gets shy when around large groups of children her age but how she revels the attention of her "college friends".  I see when she tries to sneak another french fry from Mommy or Daddy's plate!

Once the hearing aids are in, they help me to hear her sweet little voice when she excitedly proclaims, "It's morning!" as the sun peeks in through the curtains.  I can hear her rendition of, "Mommy Finger, Mommy Finger, where are you?" and can respond with, "Here I am!  Here I am!  How do you do?"  Through my voice, I can read her Barnyard Dance! for the third time today.  She can hear me say over and over how much Daddy and I love her and she's a gift from God to us.

I'm thankful for my arms that scooped up this little girl as we climbed "a really big hill" the other day for an impromptu Mommy and Me photo session.  I'm glad I can squeeze her and tickle her and carry her when her little legs are too tired to walk anymore.  I'm thankful for legs that let me push the stroller to the grocery store yesterday as she and I picked up some items to prepare meals for some hurting families this weekend.  I'm thankful for our community and faith to help keep others afloat and lift them up during hard times such as pregnancy loss and surgeries. 

I'm thankful to still be here and to try my best to keep up with that energetic three year old bundle of motion everyday.

I'm thankful for my efforts to try to communicate to God that even though I'm bitter, sad, angry, confused, inconsolable over not being able to bear more children most days, that I'm actively trying my best here to move out of that and into a better place of acceptance, resolve, mindfulness, acceptance, and even joy over this individualized fashioned cross made just for little old me to carry.  No one else can carry it but I and I should work to do this more gracefully rather than lugging it behind me since "I didn't sign up for this".

Yet, really, who does?!  Who signs up for the hard?  Who picks something so full of devastation and pain and willingly wants to take it on....who does that? 

Jesus did.

He didn't deserve any of it yet he did. 

Who are we to turn away from our hardships when he didn't?!

Yes, I'm thankful for my beating heart that allows me to take this all in everyday...the good, the bad, the ugly.

And dare I say it.....I'm also thankful for the darn uterus that I lost for letting me have the chance to grow Charlotte and to become her mom.  No one else's.  Only she gets that right and gosh, do I want her to be proud of that.  So, yes, I did lose a part of myself on that fateful night in early March three years ago and because of that Adam and I can't grow our family to match the dreams we had.  I know this will never go away and will always be a struggle but I have to look at the positive as well as the negative.  That damaged uterus gave me the best thing it ever could have given me. - - a part of me that I get to watch and enjoy everyday so who am I to dwell on could have, would have, should have or to lash out at God so angry things have turned out differently from what was so long desired for and held in my heart? 

It served its purpose.  It brought us Charlotte and created one really amazing little life.  One solitary life.  Jesus lived one life.  Look at the impact his had on all of us.  Who am I to question one versus many?

Here's to daring greatly to live actively from the not so good moments to fully catch and enjoy the happier moments!