PIC ME (part 2)

There is a wedding reception happening a few feet from me.  Literally, there is a wedding reception with all sorts of celebrating going on outside the windows of our apartment.  Have I mentioned that our wall of windows look out at the church door?  We literally share a wall with the church where we are living this semester.  I grew up two blocks from my church in the mountains of Pennsylvania and currently (in Ohio) live a couple blocks from my family's church - we can even see the church from our living room window.  It's extra beautiful at night time when the lights of the church are on and we can see the cross window from the front altar all aglow in the dark.  I miss our church in Ohio but it has been so lovely living here this semester and experiencing church in this way here.

Back to the wedding that was just celebrated today for a special couple.  Charlotte and I stumbled upon a wedding celebration as we walked home with friends from a playdate at the playground within our community.  Little Leo and Charlotte clapped and danced to the music as Hannah, Sha, and I ooo-ed and awww-ed over the bride's dress and the guests' pretty dresses and traditional Austrian clothing.  I was so glad that the weather was so beautiful for the beaming newlyweds and their guests as the sun was shining and it was comfortable enough outside to not wear a light jacket!

Once home, we could hear the music and guests through our open windows as I prepped dinner and baked peanut butter cookies.  Hearing and seeing the celebratory conversations/picture taking took me back to Adam's and my late spring sunny wedding day.....AND reminded me that I owe you part 2 of the PIC ME post!

So, back to the Dating to Marriage Night talk that I gave on the eve of Valentine's Day with some other moms to the college girls......after hearing two glorious proposal stories and grand gestures of romance and love from the moms who spoke before me, it was my turn.  I explained to the girls that I was going to take a bit of a different approach.  I told the room of college students that even though Adam and I are coming up on four years of marriage and we have a soon to be three year old that I can remember so clearly the days of waiting and praying for my future husband.  I shared that instead of talking about how Adam proposed or specific dating stories, I wanted to share advice I had heard when I was the students' shoes but that I would also tie in bits and pieces of our story and share practical ways of living out that advice because that is something I would have appreciated.  I hope that they liked it and perhaps those of you who are reading this and are waiting for your future spouse!

PIC ME is not what you think it is.  It is not, you as a single person, hopping up and down, arms waving in the air shouting, "Over here, over here, pick me!" to a potential significant other.  Instead, shift the focus to God and aim for Him to pick you.  Yet He already has!  He already knows us better than we know ourselves and still loves us flaws and all.  In a way, He is saying to us, "Pick me!" but we often are looking elsewhere or looking to fill the void in other ways rather than seeking Him.  This leads me to the "P".

Pray for your future spouse.  Right here right now.  Pray for the wellbeing of this person.  Even if you are unable to visualize who that person is.  Right now, in praying for this person, you're praying for the interior of the person rather than being caught up in the exterior or the outward appearance.  Pray this person is able to grow as he or she is meant to grow...pray for graces and fortitude to get through whatever the person is going through right now and for him or her to feel peace.  I remember a time when I had said to my friend, Lisa, "If I get married..." and she said, "Stop that right now!"  I remember pausing, startled, at the force with which she said it.  She said, "Each time you say if...you're denying your future husband.  You're doubting he exists and doubting God's plan.  Start saying, 'When you get married...' and start believing in H/him".  So from that point on, I started saying, "When my future husband" or "When I get married" any time the subject came up in conversation.  If this is a desire the Lord has placed on your heart, I believe He will deliver on it.  Along with praying for your future spouse, I share this three part prayer that also came to me from my friend, Lisa:

Now, when I learned it, it had spouse in there.  However, this is the twist I made on it so that I could hang it in my office at work.  ;)

The way I learned the prayer was:

1.)  Draw me closer to my future spouse.
2.)  Repel from me anyone who is not that person.
3.)  Give me eyes to recognize him.

What imagery this prayer evokes even now years after I first heard of it.  Think of how long and often we might tend to stay in dead-end relationships or keep hanging on for a crush in the hopes the person will have a change of heart when it is obvious the person is just "not that into you".  Yet sometimes it is easier to be with someone for the sake of being with someone because we might not want to face the alternative of being alone.  It is hard to turn down a date or decide to be alone because we are made for community and might prefer socializing with others even if we know that we are not into someone or that the relationship is not headed for marriage.  Yet we're greater than this.  We should not waste others' time and they should not waste ours.  Allow the Lord to draw you closer to your future spouse rather than constantly scanning the crowd and wondering if it is this person or that person.  He will draw you to that person.  He will also repel anyone who is not the person for you.  Repel!  That is such a strong word.  I think of bugs flicking off a windshield when I hear that word.  Imagine God has put a protective bubble around you.  He is repelling anyone not worthy of your time and affection and is instead guiding you along the path.  He is working on your heart and your spouse's heart as you both grow.  The third part of the prayer is to ask God to give you eyes to recognize that person when you are in contact with that person.  Sometimes we build up the person in our minds or have a preconceived set of ideas or notion as to what or the person will look like or how he or she will be.  We become so fixated on what we think we want or need that when God brings the person to us, we have blinders on and don't realize the person is there in our midst.  I remember when praying this prayer, wondering if steady friends who were there and were good people might be the individuals God had made for me but I had to keep the faith and trust in the last part of the prayer that sometimes I would forget to pray...for fear that once my eyes were opened that the person would be completely unexpected....well, he was!  I certainly would not have planned on falling in love with someone three time zones away from me.  I'm sure Adam could say the same...he probably was not seeking out a student who had gone back to school after being in the workforce for eight years!  It just goes to show you that you never know what God has in store for you and I'm so thankful that we both kept our eyes open to recognize one another when our paths eventually crossed in October 2013.

The "I" stands for intention.  Be intentional in your dating habits. Don't waste time.  Be authentic and be real with your desires.  Is this relationship something you see lasting long term?  Is this person someone with whom you can build a future?  Jason & Crystalina Evert do a nice job of describing what this intentionality looks like in their book:

This was one of the first books Adam and I read while we were long distance dating.  We would take turns reading and we both really enjoyed the fact that Jason and Crystalina were saying to not date for the sake of dating and to be more intentional with well, your intentions!  However, this book was not the first one I read with Adam. 

After talking for a couple weeks, I took a leap of faith in the early days and ordered for Adam this book through Amazon to be delivered as a surprise.  However, the surprise was on me.  Just before this book arrived on his doorstep, he asked me if we could take some time each week to not talk.  I thought to myself, oh no, here it comes...the I enjoy talking to you but let's take a break speech....but no, instead it was this request:  "Can we read something other than articles together?  Can we read the Bible?"  What?!! 

Ok, so we were on the same wavelength in wanting to continue talking and to read some more together.  However, his book request totally trumped mine that I had sent him as a surprise and arrived a couple days after that surprise conversation.

However, we both highly recommend all couples read this book!!  It gets right to the point and holds nothing back which was refreshing to read and to see that there was a book that had down in black and white some of what we had been discussing or had not vocalized to one another yet.  Adam and I knew pretty early on that we wanted to be intentional with one another especially after the infamous possibilities vs. impossibilities conversation that changed the direction of our relationship courtship. 

Oh, get this, last year, Fr. Morrow, the author of this book, was at my school.  I was at work and who comes walking down the hall but Fr. Morrow?!  I may or may not have gone all fangirl on him.  ;)

So there you have it...the first two letters of the PIC ME acronym when it comes to advice that I shared during the Dating to Marriage event.  Any guesses as to what "C" stood for in my talk?