Finding a Way

The other night before I set out to go see my mom and little brother, Dad was in my dream.  We were at a family gathering and attempting to take a big group picture.  As is usual, it was a bit of mayhem and chaos trying to coordinate and figure out who would go where and was everyone looking at the camera.  I was hanging back a little bit watching the scene unfold and was amazed to see Dad light on his feet and joking around...I turned to my Mom who was by my side and said, "Wait a second, Dad's here?!" to her.  She was as shocked as I was and we both kept shaking our heads in disbelief.  Then, Dad ran a circle around the group, jumped up in the air and kicked his feet, then snuck back in for the picture.  He was full of mischief with a huge grin on his face and a twinkle in his eye.  I sputtered out, "But wait, he's standing without any help, he just jumped up, look how fast he's moving!" while Mom stood there with her mouth hanging open...then in walked some family members and friends who had not been able to come to the funeral.  No one was wearing masks and six feet definitely did not separate individuals.  I walked around asking, "Where is your mask?  Aren't you afraid you're going to get sick?  What are you doing here?!" to which folks responded saying, "The virus is gone and your Dad got better!  We still came anyway because we wanted to celebrate."  The party wasn't for a celebration of a life after a funeral as it was a celebration of a life and celebrating that Dad was healed!

As that realization sunk in during my dream, I cautiously allowed myself to go back to the picture group and slipped inside for the picture.  Dad threw an arm around me and beamed a smile at me.  Immediately, the dream shifted and my brothers, Mom, and I were all around the bed by Dad.  He was still energetic and talking with us but was sitting up in his bed.  Immediately, some of the joy from the picture scene of the dream turned to anxiety as I recognized the scene but was confused as to why he was so energetic in that bed compared to how he was the last time I saw him on that piece of furniture.  I forced myself to stay in the present moment and pushed the worry and anxious thoughts aside.  As this part of the dream came into focus, I realized that he was saying bye to each of us with special messages for each brother.  He grabbed each face and looked us in the eye as he said whatever it was that was being said.

With each goodbye, the emotion built up as if we were all ascending a mountain together as a family.  Dad was at the bottom lifting each of us and Mom was perched atop our hands.  As we got closer to the top, Dad slipped further and further behind not holding as much weight as my brothers bore the weight more...eventually, as we made it to the top, Mom and I were at the front of the pack with my three brothers standing tall and strong around us in a protective arc.  This was so interesting in the dream as this scene played out side by side next to the bed scene.  I was acutely aware of both scenes side by side during the dream but forced myself to stay more in the scene with my Dad for my turn to hear from him.  He placed his hands on my shoulders and pulled me in for a big bear hug.  He was sad but I could detect a glimpse of joy in him.  It was as if he knew what was next and where he was going.  It felt like he was going on a trip but he wanted to say one more goodbye before getting on the road.  I wondered what he might say when it was my turn and pulled back from the hug so I could see his lips as he spoke.  He simply said, "I love you, Schmeggly Annie", then I woke up...left reeling and feeling as if I had just had a hug from him.

I couldn't sleep the rest of the night as I thought about how different this scene in the dream was from what had actually happened on April 17th. 

I tried so hard to get him to say, "I love you" one more time in the last hours.  So much so that my brothers and Mom laughed when the last couple of times I said, "Dad, we love you", that he said, "Oh, stoooop!" during one of his restless agitated episodes.  We knew he didn't mean it but it was funny in the moment the way he said it like a toddler who wants to have a tantrum when the parent is trying to calm the child down (don't ask me how I know about that sort of thing).  ;) 

As I mulled over what could the last words have been for each of my brothers in the dream vs. what seemed to be so much shorter when he spoke to me, I realized that my dream was playing out what I had hoped would be closure for Dad or dare I say for us as we work to process through everything that happened two weeks ago.

This is when the rainbow was still pretty far away but we got pretty close to it after a while!

Later, as I drove to Delaware, I pulled off on some random road in Maryland when Charlotte needed to use the restroom.  A small red (Dad's favorite color) cardinal was sitting on the side of the road watching the cars at the foot of a rainbow Charlotte and I had been following for quite some time.  Dad and I had spent a good bit of time looking at the cardinals outside his bedside window in the weeks leading up to April 17th and I had just explained to Charlotte in the car that rainbows are a symbol or promise from God that everything is going to be okay.



Everything is going to be okay.