Some people may find that surprising since I am usually up for trying out new things and going new places and meeting new faces. Yes, I love adventure. There is something exhilarating about traveling a new road and seeing where it takes you. Yet I am a creature of comfort and love the ordinary grind; the routine of schedules and keeping myself organized are welcome in my world and those who have seen my (color-coded) planner can attest to that. Reading back over these words makes me sound like quite a paradox.....on the one hand, part of me is screaming, "Change is exciting!" yet the other part is tightly holding on and saying, "Leave things as they are!"
So, back to the change part. Yes, change makes me uncomfortable. I'm not talking about the minor changes that happen daily such as rescheduling meetings or switching gears in job tasks. Those I can deal with but I suppose you could say that the changes that I dislike the most relate to relationships. I wish we could freeze time at times...wouldn't it be great to just stop the clock and forever enjoy one another's company? Think of the times you've been the happiest in your life. Do they involve things, places, or people? Those moments in your memory that you hold the most dear...what do they hold for you? Yes, I wish I could bottle those times up and just keep living life as I did then.
Change. It just keeps on coming and keeps on changing up things.
Yet look at all we would miss out on if we didn't change. Think of all the new experiences and the new people you wouldn't meet if you only stayed with what you knew. What if you had made a rash assumption based on an erroneous first impression? You might miss out on your best friend for life if you didn't have a change of heart. Don't get me wrong as there is definitely something to be said about tried and true friendships that have stood the test of time and the history that comes with those relationships. Yet there is also something equally beautiful about new friendships that grow and blossom as a result of change. I'm also learning that sometimes you have to rely on only yourself and be your own best friend...and to lean into God and be okay with being alone because He is the source of everything.
I sometimes wonder what would life be like had I not left Pennsylvania. I would still be teaching in York and living with my little puppy in the fabulous townhouse I lived in with my best friend. We would probably go to El Rodeo for dinner at least once a month and I would meet my parents in Harrisburg for mass and dinner on Saturdays every now and then. I would still be tutoring and doing homebound instruction after my teaching job ended and of course babysitting. I would buy take-home meals from the high school Family and Consumer Sciences class where I taught on Tuesday nights and I would be going to Body Pump and Zumba at Gold's Gym on Wedneday nights. I would make the drive to NC one weekend a month with my parents and I would be working with my babies in West York...well, now they are in middle and high school so not babies anymore....darn, even my former students are changing! ;) Yes, the daily grind and predictability of life is something I do well with yet change makes things unpredictable. Change takes you to another state and another life. As much as you try to fight it and create a new "normal", it's still a change. You grow apart from friends (physically and emotionally) and make new ones as your old friends do.
Change..it's going to happen whether you like it or not...and thank goodness it does because imagine if we didn't change. If we made the same mistakes over and over and over.....and never changed. Thank goodness for the grace and forgiveness that comes with reconciliation, change, and second chances. It may mean pushing beyond the comfortable boundaries and the "same old same old". You may fall flat on your face as I have many times (literally and figuratively speaking).
Yet isn't the reward far greater than the risk? What a beautiful chance we are given to change!! Letting go of control and surrendering to change and God's will is something I continue to need to work on....If you would have told me 3 short years ago of what's in store (so far) for 2013 for me, I would have been incredulous at the thought of all that is to happen. Just this week alone, I began the Spring 2013 semester by making progress on a revised manuscript that might still get published, created the draft of a conference presentation in Pinehurst in a few weeks, worked on drafts of conference presentations for San Antonio and Santa Fe, booked my hotel for my first time visiting Santa Fe, NM next month, submitted a proposal to where I used to work in PA to see if I could obtain permission to do my dissertation study there, and prepped for the Kim Kalman concert coming up on Saturday night for the Young Adults Group at church.
Yes, I miss my old life but gosh, how exciting and awesome are these new events that have resulted from a series of changes..some that were in motion long before January 15th, 2010, when I first learned of the opportunity to possibly come down to NC and go back to school. The people I have met and have the privilege of calling friends and colleagues over the past 2.5 years have changed my life in ways I could not have imagined, for good and not so good, but I'm a stronger person because of it. Just think, the caterpillar would never transform into a beautiful butterfly if it were not for change. Look at what the caterpillar would miss out on if it never became a butterfly and soared to the skies!
I don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there yet but I'm excited to see what's in store....I just hope that I can roll with the changes and learn to embrace them with joy more over time. What I'm learning in my journey is that once I get through the change and look back, I see that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. As Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” So, here's to J.O.Y.ing...just opening yourself!
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