Changes

Six years ago today, something changed.

There must be something about Easter Monday that does that.



Unbeknownst to me, on Easter Monday 2014, Adam set up a Skype call to talk with my parents. I had just left their home to return to North Carolina after celebrating Easter with my parents.

During that Skype call, Adam sought my parents' blessing as he planned to propose in early May. This would mark a change in my parents' eyes in realizing that Adam's and my courtship was leading to marriage. It would also be an outward commitment on Adam's part in pursuing the vocation of marriage.

I never saw it coming and was so touched to learn he had chosen to have that special conversation with my parents so soon after Easter.

I didn't remind anyone of that special anniversary today. When I woke up, I knew today was the day Adam was leaving to go back to Ohio while Charlotte and I stayed back...however, a rough morning during which difficult decisions had to be made led to the realization that Charlotte would need to return with Adam. I am barely getting my job done amidst all that is happening at the moment and I feared if I am here with my parents without my brothers, that something might happen in which I would need to rush my parents somewhere. As hard as it was to let Charlotte return without me, I know it was the right thing to do for right now given that these days are so unpredictable. In Ohio, she will have routine and attention while my family and I can do what needs to be done in Pennsylvania.

So, my heart had no time to prepare as things quickly evolved from thinking I would have to say bye to Adam to bidding goodbye to both of them for an unknown amount of time.

We brought Charlotte into the bedroom to say goodbye to Pappy and Grammy. As I let Dad know of the change in plans and that Charlotte would be leaving, he looked at her with such tenderness. Then he said, "My, how things have changed." I am unsure of what he was referring to...that he was used to doing the leaving after coming to visit us? Or was it because he is bedridden and unable to wave goodbye from the porch as he and Mom always did? Or was he thinking what I was thinking...? That this might be the last time he will see her (& Adam)?

I wanted nothing more than for the two of them to stay. It feels like I am losing Dad and now the two of them. However, as I mentioned to my mother-in-law earlier, I know this is just the grief talking and it was not practical for them to remain. The world keeps turning even when everything feels like it has come to a standstill. Hearing what Dad said about things changing in that moment of saying farewell reminded me of today's significance in Adam's and my relationship. Six years ago, Adam reached out to set up a face to face virtual conversation to share his intentions. Who could imagine that on that same day six years later, he would say goodbye to his father-in-law with a daughter of his own in his arms?

Tonight was pretty rough as Dad wrestled with delirium. At one point, I asked if I could pray for him. He was resistant but eventually resigned himself to a quick prayer. A few minutes later, in his agitated state, he requested prayer. I have been praying for acceptance and and comfort for Dad as he faces the upcoming days especially as his health continues to decline. At one point this morning, he said to me, "There is no future left in my life" and "What is left?"

I am now adding on to my prayers in asking for the wisdom to know what to say to bring comfort. I don't know how to respond and when I say you are going to be reunited with your family and God, he just looks away...because I don't think he is ready just yet. The other day, I asked him if he was excited about seeing loved ones. He nodded yes but also told Mom and me that he wouldn't with us anymore to which we said, "You will! It will just be in a different way!" 🙏

So yeah, Adam and Charlotte left and I miss them both so much. In being truly present to Dad (and Mom) after their departure, I was unable to do schoolwork . Things are potentially moving pretty quickly with my Dad and he might need to go in to a hospice facility or may continue to stay at home....things are changing so quickly and sometimes from minute to minute in so many ways.

There are so many unknowns but one thing is for sure - - change will always happen. Easter and the Resurrection are proof of that. Dad will be changed by all this, this will not all be in vain, affecting our family along the way, and who knows how many countless others through his suffering.

So today, without planning it, marks the memory of a beginning and also an ending. My, how things have changed.