At 6:14am this morning on Friday, 04/17/20, Dad did become a memory.
He will forever be etched into my heart and mind and if today is any indication, I will constantly have him on my heart and mind. I'm going to do my best to help keep the memories Charlotte Annie made with him (and Mom) over the last four years to stay alive in her young mind as she grows older. I am not sure what I'll say to her when she asks for Pappy.
This posting is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write....but in feeling so broken and vulnerable right now, I'm also feeling how loved and cared for my family and I are even in the absence of our cornerstone and our rock. In rewatching some of Fr. Jack's homily from one week ago on Good Friday that I watched with Dad, I drew comfort from being reminded of how Dad watched even in his weakened state and with his erratic breathing. In the video, I could feel the love between Mom and Dad as she fed him. Fr. Jack's words are powerful (as always) and given that Fr. Jack is unable to come down and do the funeral mass due to COVID-19 restrictions, I'm extra thankful I recorded the video snippet from seven days ago...his message then seems even more perfect given what we experienced today. 💓
Thank you to each of you for the outpouring of love and support during this hard time for us all.
So, last night, I stayed up until close to 3am then finally went to bed to be awoken by Patrick a few short hours later around 5:45am. I had been in the midde of a dream and didn't quite know what was happening until he looked me in the eye and said, "Dad closed his mouth and is slowing down with his breathing". I followed him to the bedroom and sat to the right of Dad. Patrick was right. Longer and longer pauses were occurring between breaths.
Mom asked us to say the Our Father, Glory Be, and Hail Mary with her. We did. I pulled up the daily readings and gospel.
April 17 2020
Friday in the Octave of Easter
Lectionary: 265
Reading 1ACTS 4:1-12
After the crippled man had been cured,
while Peter and John were still speaking to the people,
the priests, the captain of the temple guard,
and the Sadducees confronted them,
disturbed that they were teaching the people
and proclaiming in Jesus the resurrection of the dead.
They laid hands on Peter and John
and put them in custody until the next day,
since it was already evening.
But many of those who heard the word came to believe
and the number of men grew to about five thousand.
while Peter and John were still speaking to the people,
the priests, the captain of the temple guard,
and the Sadducees confronted them,
disturbed that they were teaching the people
and proclaiming in Jesus the resurrection of the dead.
They laid hands on Peter and John
and put them in custody until the next day,
since it was already evening.
But many of those who heard the word came to believe
and the number of men grew to about five thousand.
On the next day, their leaders, elders, and scribes
were assembled in Jerusalem, with Annas the high priest,
Caiaphas, John, Alexander,
and all who were of the high-priestly class.
They brought them into their presence and questioned them,
“By what power or by what name have you done this?”
Then Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, answered them,
“Leaders of the people and elders:
If we are being examined today
about a good deed done to a cripple,
namely, by what means he was saved,
then all of you and all the people of Israel should know
that it was in the name of Jesus Christ the Nazorean
whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead;
in his name this man stands before you healed.
He is the stone rejected by you, the builders,
which has become the cornerstone.
There is no salvation through anyone else,
nor is there any other name under heaven
given to the human race by which we are to be saved.”
were assembled in Jerusalem, with Annas the high priest,
Caiaphas, John, Alexander,
and all who were of the high-priestly class.
They brought them into their presence and questioned them,
“By what power or by what name have you done this?”
Then Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, answered them,
“Leaders of the people and elders:
If we are being examined today
about a good deed done to a cripple,
namely, by what means he was saved,
then all of you and all the people of Israel should know
that it was in the name of Jesus Christ the Nazorean
whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead;
in his name this man stands before you healed.
He is the stone rejected by you, the builders,
which has become the cornerstone.
There is no salvation through anyone else,
nor is there any other name under heaven
given to the human race by which we are to be saved.”
Responsorial Psalm118:1-2 AND 4, 22-24, 25-27A
R. (22) The stone rejected by the builders has become the cornerstone.
or:
R. Alleluia.
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good,
for his mercy endures forever.
Let the house of Israel say,
“His mercy endures forever.”
Let those who fear the LORD say,
“His mercy endures forever.”
R. The stone rejected by the builders has become the cornerstone.
or:
R. Alleluia.
The stone which the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone.
By the LORD has this been done;
it is wonderful in our eyes.
This is the day the LORD has made;
let us be glad and rejoice in it.
R. The stone rejected by the builders has become the cornerstone.
or:
R. Alleluia.
O LORD, grant salvation!
O LORD, grant prosperity!
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD;
we bless you from the house of the LORD.
The LORD is God, and he has given us light.
R. The stone rejected by the builders has become the cornerstone.
or:
R. Alleluia.
or:
R. Alleluia.
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good,
for his mercy endures forever.
Let the house of Israel say,
“His mercy endures forever.”
Let those who fear the LORD say,
“His mercy endures forever.”
R. The stone rejected by the builders has become the cornerstone.
or:
R. Alleluia.
The stone which the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone.
By the LORD has this been done;
it is wonderful in our eyes.
This is the day the LORD has made;
let us be glad and rejoice in it.
R. The stone rejected by the builders has become the cornerstone.
or:
R. Alleluia.
O LORD, grant salvation!
O LORD, grant prosperity!
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD;
we bless you from the house of the LORD.
The LORD is God, and he has given us light.
R. The stone rejected by the builders has become the cornerstone.
or:
R. Alleluia.
AlleluiaPS 118:24
R. Alleluia, alleluia.
This is the day the LORD has made;
let us be glad and rejoice in it.
R. Alleluia, alleluia.
This is the day the LORD has made;
let us be glad and rejoice in it.
R. Alleluia, alleluia.
GospelJN 21:1-14
Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias.
He revealed himself in this way.
Together were Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus,
Nathanael from Cana in Galilee,
Zebedee’s sons, and two others of his disciples.
Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.”
They said to him, “We also will come with you.”
So they went out and got into the boat,
but that night they caught nothing.
When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore;
but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.
Jesus said to them, “Children, have you caught anything to eat?”
They answered him, “No.”
So he said to them, “Cast the net over the right side of the boat
and you will find something.”
So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in
because of the number of fish.
So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord.”
When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord,
he tucked in his garment, for he was lightly clad,
and jumped into the sea.
The other disciples came in the boat,
for they were not far from shore, only about a hundred yards,
dragging the net with the fish.
When they climbed out on shore,
they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread.
Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you just caught.”
So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore
full of one hundred fifty-three large fish.
Even though there were so many, the net was not torn.
Jesus said to them, “Come, have breakfast.”
And none of the disciples dared to ask him, “Who are you?”
because they realized it was the Lord.
Jesus came over and took the bread and gave it to them,
and in like manner the fish.
This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples
after being raised from the dead.
He revealed himself in this way.
Together were Simon Peter, Thomas called Didymus,
Nathanael from Cana in Galilee,
Zebedee’s sons, and two others of his disciples.
Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.”
They said to him, “We also will come with you.”
So they went out and got into the boat,
but that night they caught nothing.
When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore;
but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.
Jesus said to them, “Children, have you caught anything to eat?”
They answered him, “No.”
So he said to them, “Cast the net over the right side of the boat
and you will find something.”
So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in
because of the number of fish.
So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord.”
When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord,
he tucked in his garment, for he was lightly clad,
and jumped into the sea.
The other disciples came in the boat,
for they were not far from shore, only about a hundred yards,
dragging the net with the fish.
When they climbed out on shore,
they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread.
Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you just caught.”
So Simon Peter went over and dragged the net ashore
full of one hundred fifty-three large fish.
Even though there were so many, the net was not torn.
Jesus said to them, “Come, have breakfast.”
And none of the disciples dared to ask him, “Who are you?”
because they realized it was the Lord.
Jesus came over and took the bread and gave it to them,
and in like manner the fish.
This was now the third time Jesus was revealed to his disciples
after being raised from the dead.
Dad is, indeed, the cornerstone of our family. He was rejected early in life but never let that bring him down and was one of the most easygoing and optimistic men I knew. Also, Mom and I were floored when we heard, "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it"! That was a song from Mom and Dad's wedding and had been the responsorial psalm for Charlotte's Baptism Mass.
We took a break from the day's readings/gospel to read the daily reflection from Mom's devotional and boy did it fit that moment....for Dad had passed right before this but I hadn't quite realized it just yet. My brothers and Mom knew but I didn't...yet.
As I continued reading the Gospel and meditation, I noticed Patrick put a blanket around Mom, pillows behind her chair, and he brought Dad's jacket to me that I had worn yesterday. He then calmly walked over to Dad, removed his oxygen, and pulled the blanket up to his chin. I kept reading the scriptures to the end then realized what had just happened.
Three days of nonresponsiveness, not taking in drink or food, led to this morning of Dad receiving relief at 6:15am as the sun peeked out from the morning clouds. Here's Patrick's perspective of how this morning went as he shared with some of Mom's friends later:
Hi everyone. This is Kathy's son, Patrick. Many of you received a message a couple weeks ago detailing dad's health issues and the changing nature of his situation. I just wanted to send a follow up to those on this list per her request. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Hey guys. I just wanted to let you know that my dad passed away this morning. He had been dealing with a lot for years, but especially since December, and congestive heart failure had gotten worse. The fluid building up around his lungs and heart would normally be treated by high doses of diuretics. But that would have damaged his kidneys that had decreased to functioning at around 30% or less. He had recently been diagnosed with MDS which is pre leukemia and that stopped his bone marrow from producing properly functioning red and white blood cells. With all that coming to a head, it got to the point where comfort was that best option. Dad's struggle ended this morning at 615. I was at his bedside from about 330 on. I was working on his obituary when I noticed his mouth trying to close for the first time since I got home Wednesday. Shortly after, his breathing became really shallow and only about every 9 or 10 seconds. I woke my oldest brother and pointed out the changes. He got mom and I woke my other brother and sister. We were gathered around him talking to him by about 550. At 615, he took one last breath and drifted off. It was more peaceful than I could have ever imagined. Losing him leaves a major hole in this family, but he trained us for this moment our entire lives. I hope something he did or said to you along the way has found a way to stick with you and have an impact.
Patrick says it better than I. How fitting to pass on Friday of Easter Week one week after Good Friday. He carried his cross with grace and humility. In fact, something I didn't know until this past week was that he had a stitch on his right knee from a knee replacement surgery that resembled a cross. He literally bore a cross on himself.
What a reminder to pick up our cross and carry it daily and without complaint.
We sat with Dad for two hours before the morning's nurse and occupational therapist arrived at the house. Those were the fastest two hours of my life. I will never forget this time with my brothers and parents. We will never be the same and will never fill the void that is now where Dad used to be. He will be forever missed by each of us in our own special ways. My heart breaks for my mom who lost the love of her life who stood at her side for the last 44 years. When I think of my parents in my mind's eye, it's hard to think of Mom and not Dad at her side. One of the things Dad said to me in the last week was, "Don't forget Mom". I had replied saying of course, we won't and we never could forget either of you! Even to his last days, he was caring for and concerned about his bride's welfare. Don't worry, Dad, we've got this and we will never forget our mother. Brian has been at her side all day today and we're all tending to each other's needs. We will get through this together. You wouldn't want it any other way.
Dad was in the hospital for nine days.
He was home for nine days.
He had slipped away from us three days ago and today his body finished the race. The last 24 or so hours his body was with us were peaceful which was such a huge relief. We are saddened beyond belief that we are unable to honor Dad in the way he deserves, with full military honors, at the moment due to COVID-19 but we are told that will come later once the virus goes away....for now, we will have to have a viewing and funeral mass just for immediate family (can't go above ten people) and can ride to the cemetery. However, we are not allowed to get out of the car which is so hard to bear and hear. However, I'm trying to focus on the bright side, as Dad so often did, and remind myself that for the important part, the viewing and mass, we are allowed to be there. Also...what a gift, to go to a mass and receive Communion for the first time since March 7th (Charlotte's birthday)!! Thank you, Dad, for helping to get us to church in person rather than online.
Speaking of Charlotte, tonight, when video chatting with her, she asked if she could say hi to Pappy like she did last night. I wasn't prepared for that so soon. Immediately I teared up and she asked if I was sad because Pappy is still sick? I explained to her, through tears, that he is all better and with Jesus in Heaven now. She said, "All better?" and I could tell by her facial expression she thought he is all better and everything is back to how it was. Thank you, God, for the grace and the words to say what needed to be said for a four year old to understand for now.
I'm going to keep answering her questions and trying to help her keep her connection with Pappy strong by sharing memories and pictures with her over time. I would love to hear of your memories you have with my Dad. If you're reading this, and you know Dad, please do share memories by commenting here. It would be amazing to be able to put them together for my Mom to share at the Celebration or Memorial of His Life we would like to have once the virus is over and we no longer have to socially distance ourselves from loved ones and those who were friends of Dad.
Thank you, again, to each and every single one of you for your prayers, thoughts, texts, messages, and kind thoughts. I'm sorry that I've not been able to respond to each of you but please know of my deep appreciation and gratitude!
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| Dad and Meg (two years old) - - I always loved holding Dad's fingers as I'm doing in this picture. I find myself doing this with my husband's fingers too as a grown up. So thankful to have such a protective and wonderful man for a father and to have a similar one for a husband now. |
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| This picture reminds me of how Charlotte and Adam look at each other! |
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| My hair is bit darker in this photo compared to the previous one but I love how the poses are somewhat similar. |
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| I'm not the only one who loved receiving hugs from Dad. Charlotte did, too! |
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| Lost in each other's eyes as they pondered life. ;) |
Dad snapping a photo during Charlotte's Baptism in July 2016. He was such a proud grandfather (and father).
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| I'm glad he's free from all that trapped him now (failing health, limited breathing ability, exhaustion)...this was a picture I snapped as I slept next to his bed last week. Oh, how I miss him already!! |
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| Mom feeding Dad on Good Friday when he was too weak to do it himself. |
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| Watching Fr. Jack preside at the Good Friday service one week ago... |
Dad was such a good "boy dad" and my brothers are better men for it. They each had a unique and special relationship with Dad. That was the kind of man he was. He could make you feel special and important and treat you like you were the only one there with him yet he made everyone feel like that. It was an honor to sit alongside him with my brothers throughout the last several days.
This is the prayer we prayed with Dad every night. He always said, "Amen", until three nights ago. He even had us pray it with him while he was in the hospital over the phone or video chat. A neighbor had given the prayer card to Mom and Dad years ago but it especially related to Dad's health issues in recent months when Mom and Dad prayed it with more intentionality.
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| Yesterday |
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| I had sent this picture to Adam the other day saying I didn't want to let go of my Daddy's hand. It's hard to believe I'm not going to feel his touch again. I hope he knows how much we all cherished our time with him. |
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| Today....outside is mourning with us as the tears fall. |
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| You're the best man I know and I will never forget you. Thank you for the gift of your life and mine. You were always strong in my eyes. Toward the end, the world may have seen you as broken or weak but you were still strong to me. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable - to be cared for and taken care of which must have been a huge change for you since you were the one who took care of so many others. Thank you for always believing in me - for being my ears when I couldn't hear, for picking me up when I got myself in sticky situations, for always listening (even on a 250 mile trip to college), for really seeing me and acknowledging me. You (and Mom) are my biggest cheerleaders and I'm going to miss you so much as so many others surely will. Your humble quiet way of living your truly spectacular life has left a huge mark on mine. I will spend the rest of my days trying to make you proud and living up to your name even if mine has changed. Once a Kemmery, always a Kemmery, as you well know. |
I remember your Dad and Mom because for some reason I felt a connection like our lives were very similar. I was fortunate to spend the afternoon with them at the Christmas light show right after New Years this year. Your parents remind me of my husband and I. My husband has been struggling with health issues for the past several years and I could definitely relate to your Mom. At that time, Dave, my husband, was in a specialty care facility recovering from open heart surgery and he was in a state of confusion. I had my granddaughters visiting and it was a day to do something special for them and to have some fun. Your parents were just like me and Dave. They were kind and loving to each other, to you and Charlotte, and to my granddaughters. I can relate to your mother as she has been by her husband’s side during his illnesses. I can relate to your Mom, Praying that the Lord will give her strength to deal with whatever will be. Asking Him to keep her husband by her side longer and healthier but asking that he is relieved from his pain. I so know that struggle. I have been fortunate that the Lord gave Dave his strength back and that he is beside me right now with his right mind and heart. I will pray for your Mom, Kathy. My heart was almost where her heart is now. That void was so close for me also. I am blessed to have more time with the love of my life and will pray for hers. May you and your family find peace in the beautiful memories you share of your Dad . You are all in my prayers during this time of healing. Your Dad fought the good fight and he is now resting in the loving arms of our Father in heaven. Love you, Meg!
ReplyDeleteMegan,
ReplyDeleteSaying I'm so sorry for your loss just cannot express the sadness I have in my heart for you, mom and your brothers. Your dad was an amazing Man! He was a loving husband, always concerned for your mom. He was a doting father, so very proud of all of You! I could also see in the many pictures that he was the same with all his grandchildren. His family was everything to him!I really see the love in his eyes in those two pictures of the two of you. You could always "see" the love in his eyes. The end of your post reminds me of a song. I know how much you enjoy music and seeing how the lyrics match your feelings. The song that came to mind is "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion. Listen to it sometime when you get the chance. It was supposed to be the song I danced with my dad at my Wedding, but unfortunately, the DJ messed up. This song helps describe how I feel about both my parents and their helping me through the worst time in my Life! I know for a fact that your dad is in Heaven now, watching over you, smiling that great big smile. He will ALWAYS be with You! God bless you and bring you a sense of peace in your sorrow!
Love You! Maria