Spectacular Intentionality

"I didn't do anything spectacular."

"That's the way it is. That is how school is sometimes. You have to take a step back before you can go forward at times."

These are words Dad uttered tonight during our midnight feeding. He has been hanging in the balance between 100% coherence and slight confusion these days so I never know when I am talking to him if he will be talking to me as the Dad I've always known or someone else, especially during the nights.

As I fed him some bites of toast (he was NOT a happy camper about that) and ice chips, out of annoyance he blurted out that he had done nothing spectacular. I am not sure where he was going with that statement in trying to get me to only give him the ice rather than the bites of toast. I beg to differ on his statement and said as much to him.  After reminding him of all he has done to serve and honor our country, that he raised us kids, worked hard and finished his degree, I said, "Also, what happened at this time 45 years ago that was spectacular?!" He said, "I asked your mom to marry me. " Cue the awwwws. I was actually thinking that his answer would reflect that he had entered the church since Good Friday fell on the 45th anniversary of his converting to Catholicism. I think I like his answer more due to the romanticism of it. I mean what person would not want someone to highlight being asked to join in the sacrament (and sacrifice) of marriage as being a spectacular moment in memory? I know I wouldn't mind!

Over the 26 minutes it took Dad to eat seven small pieces of skinny toast and take in two ounces of chipped ice, I kept pressing in an attempt to have a lucid conversation when I said, "Dad, I applied for a job I really wanted at work and didn't get it." I didn't know how he would respond since he shifts so quickly between streams of consciousness and awareness these days and nights.

He opened his eyes, turned his head toward mine, and said,"I heard". This surprised me as he sometimes will forget something that was said a few minutes prior. The rejection I was referring to had happened the morning of March 6th so I was caught off guard when he seemed to know what I was referring to as I shared with him some of the details of what had happened last month. He went on to say, "As you can see, we don't always get what we want. That's the way it is. That is how school is sometimes. You have to take a step back before you can go forward at times."

What an interesting phrase he chose in that moment. I will admit that my first thought when told I was not selected was to leave...to just pick up and start new elsewhere. In a way, that desire to flee from the vulnerability and feelings of not being good enough reminded me of a parent autobiography my students read for one of my classes. The parent in this particular book (Roadmap to Holland) I have in mind shares her feelings with regard to learning unexpected news about one of her newborn sons. She decribes in vivid imagery her raw feelings and in a fight or flight response, she entertains the thought of leaving the messy life behind and beginning again somewhere else. It's so interesting that the first thing we usually want to do when we are hurt is to isolate or run from the situation permanently...Yet that is not what Dad (and Brene Brown🤣) said to do. He didn't say to run. He said to circle around or be willing to go backwards and reassess before moving forward...and isn't that how it goes?! How often do things happen that seem to be opposite of where we had intended to go? Yet, the detours often lead to where you had hoped to go albeit a more scenic route!

So much has happened since that 9:04am walk of sadness mixed with disappointment over something that had really excited me during the previous three months of preparation when I walked back to my office. I had barely kept the tears in before they fell freely in the small stillness behind the closed door of my office. I was thankful that it was the last day before the start of Spring Break which meant virtually no one was around and I had been relieved to not run into many people. While it is true my eyes were filled with the same hot tears for a moment tonight as I revisited that morning in my mind and talked to Dad about it, his advice of being willing to go backwards before going forward helped me view several other opportunities that have presented themselves in the last couple weeks in a new way! In fact, one of them happened at 2:15pm on that same unsettling Friday before Spring Break.... It's true what they say in that when one door closes, another opens! 

I am so thankful for the chance to share my gifts and passion in other avenues and outlets and through talking with Dad I was able to recognize to go forward I need to shift some things around and focus my energy and efforts where they are wanted and can be put to use. I am grateful for the timing of the virus that has caused so many things to fall away and dare I say distractions to be removed in thinking of new goals and steps to take. I am thankful for the slower pace to allow for processing of information and more time to pray about these endeavors as I seek to remain open to God's will.

It seems the word that emerged over and over last spring of intentionality is making a reappearance this spring especially in the act of slowing down a bit! I have been thinking of the importance of being intentional a lot these days what with the online teaching we are all in the midst of, social distancing, and daily decisions we are all making due to the virus. Adding another layer to this line of thought, of course, is not knowing how much time we have left with Dad. Every second counts. What are you going to do with yours? As Dad reminded me tonight, even if it feels like wasted time, the seconds still matter if you ultimately are able to forge ahead and are able to move forward somehow in accomplishing what has been set before us. It may look radically different than what we had planned for or hoped but that's where trust comes into play! To let go and be willing to go backwards before forward, to me, is pretty spectacular even if it seems to be just another ordinary moment on the surface or even if it seems unremarkable.  Jesus, at first, seemed an ordinary poor boy being raised by common folk. Yet, as we celebrate this Easter, look at how truly remarkable he was. Thinking of the Stations of the Cross, there were moments he stumbled and seemed to take steps backwards, yet ultimately, his actions propelled forward... Even look at the steps backwards of what happened on Good Friday but then the moving forward occurred through the Resurrection!

Thanks for the reminder, Dad. I wonder what tomorrow night's pearls of wisdom will be. 😉