Lately, it has been one hard day after another. There is not enough time to get things done...the endless cycle of tasks and projects keep spinning with no signs of stopping. The never ending to-do lists are not shrinking in size or stature. The only advantage to the hectic busy-ness of these days is that I am able to push aside the feelings of missing my old life, friends, & family back home. Then days like today happen and I feel like I've toppled over the edge and am unable to accomplish any of my goals.
The class I taught this morning was so-so. A review game I had planned for Thursday's exam had more than a few kinks to iron out...as I mentioned to the class today, it's all a learning curve for both them & for me! I'm glad I have the opportunity to learn from mistakes but it is still a hard pill to swallow when I think of how comfortable I had been in my old job. I look forward to continuing practicing and honing my craft and need to keep reminding myself that while teaching at the college level is different from teaching early intervention through 12th graders in high school as I did in my "old life" still other things remain entirely the same. I have to remind myself I didn't become a fairly decent teacher in the schools where I worked overnight so I should realize the same Is true today.
Along the same lines of developing a thicker skin, and moving away from being my truly authentic self which raises a whole other set of concerns for me, the rest of the day did not go as I would have liked. Three back to back meetings, missing lunch, and general feelings of frustration, misunderstandings/misperceptions on all ends, and confusion continued to rise in me as the day wore on and I headed to a training tonight. Halfway through the training, we were told to go into our emails to open an attachment we needed to practice on...it was then that I saw I had a long awaited email from a conference I had submitted a proposal for back in May. I had been excited to submit the proposal since it was on my still to be collected upcoming dissertation research. In hindsight I do recall how difficult it was to write the proposal on something I had not done yet so perhaps that was the first mistake ... but I was so wrapped up in the fact that this conference is scheduled to be held in Philadelphia that I jumped at the chance to submit a proposal to present at it! When I worked on and submitted the proposal last spring, I had envisioned attending the conference, and presenting, as "Dr. Meg" with a job already lined up in PA just weeks before I was set to return to NC to graduate in early May 2014. Then, after that I would ride into the sunset back up 81 as I moved to wherever my new job in PA would be....hmm, what is it they say about counting your chickens before they hatch?
To say the thought of presenting my dissertation research, possibly with a treasured friend who helped with the data collection (since it is going to be held in our home state) as a thank you to her for helping me with my research, and it being my last time attending as a PhD student made me enthusiastic was an understatement. So, as I opened my email to retrieve what was needed for the training I was in tonight, I instead eagerly opened up the email from the conference people when I saw they had emailed me......and was disheartened to learn the proposal had not been accepted. As a result, I could barely focus on the training and am no clearer on understanding how to format the table of contents in my dissertation than I was prior to the training.
Oh well....I know there will be rejections and this is just the first of many in what will hopefully be a loooooong career. It just stings to face rejection over something so near and dear to my heart. This dissertation is an extension of me which may sound silly to say but the process of arriving at the topic, the blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into it all, the ups and downs of presenting the proposal to my committee to having it be ripped to shreds to rebuilding it and strengthening it to sort of gaining an iota of confidence in what I'm doing....doesn't bode for much positivity at the moment. The only two times I have "marketed" or tried to "pitch" the dissertation to others have led to a not so positive response...first to my committee and second to this conference. Obviously, what I'm doing is not working so something has got to change.
Along the same lines, I can't help but think about how I so desperately want to find a job in Pennsylvania yet my top two job prospects I was fairly confident in did not work out...much like the rejections over the dissertation research. Reflecting on all of this is causing me to think that perhaps I really am to go elsewhere (kicking and screaming) other than home, even if it is far away, such as in Colorado or California or who knows where else?! The realistic part in me also realizes that there is still hope for presenting my dissertation research elsewhere after I have further worked with and conducted a deeper analysis of the data. There will be other avenues in which I can share this information and try to make a small mark on the field in my own way and not all is lost.
Right now, I just feel a bit like I'm drifting and no matter which way I steer or point the raft or how hard I paddle, I'm not getting much of anywhere. Here's to hoping the week can be turned around mid-stream!
....and to my trusting that much harder in Jeremiah 29:11.
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