Behaving myself out of the dark

Ah, it's the eve of 09/11. 

One of my least favorite days. 

Perhaps this is why I've been in a bit of a funk lately.  September 11th was the birthday of one of my best friends in high school who died in our 20s of a drug overdose. 

Each time that day rolled around, I was filled with sadness as I thought of Jess and how distant we had grown from one another prior to her demise.

Then, after living through 09/11/01, it took on a whole different meaning where each year I was reminded of the sadness the whole world felt when those planes crashed.  Dr. Klein, IUP, and my little house I lived in a half block away from Subway and across from Stouffer & Davis Halls will always be intertwined with those memories I have of that fateful morning.

And this week is one of suicide awareness/prevention so I'm now thinking of not only Jess dying young when she shouldn't have but others who are no longer here because of that one suicidal act.  It's still odd to not receive phone calls or texts from one particular friend.  The other day I saw his name in my contacts but didn't have the heart to delete it from my phone.

So perhaps that's why these last couple hard days have been so mired in despair.  Things I wouldn't normally take to heart or be as sensitive to are maybe pushing me over the edge.  My parents were here for an always way too fast weekend and left less than 48 hours ago but I'm so missing them and in need of their comfort tonight.  I know in the grand scheme of things, my current troubles are petty and nothing at all like what others face and dealt with on 09/11 and currently face in the wake of lost loved ones.  I shouldn't be this troubled over perceptions and conversations that were exchanged today.  I need to keep my head down and just keep on plowing through the day's tasks.  Even if it goes against my social nature, I wonder if I should just retreat into myself and work within the walls.  Right about now, I could use a night of girl talk with my best friend and the pups or just hanging out with my little brother, perhaps on a lake in a kayak!  Unfortunately, those are not viable options right now so journaling via this blog and attempting to convert schoolwork from paper format to online format will have to suffice.

In closing, I just saw this on a friend's wall on Fb : 

A yoga challenge for everyone on 9/11 tomorrow: to practice Ashima (non violence) in your actions, thoughts, intentions, words and environments. A common one in every day life is our words. Our words are so powerful and we can build our friends, families, coworkers up or break them down just by our words alone. Let your words be of kind ones on a day when so many people need it. God bless.


Oh, how true this statement is!  Today I let myself be broken down by words thrown around in a meeting.  I also am guilty of not using words to the best of my ability to build up others.  Sarcasm and humor can be harmful too.  I know taking what was said today to heart as much as I have is of my own doing and I need to work on letting words slide off me but until my exterior is thick enough for it to act as a shield, this gal needs a little TLC.  ;)  Good thing a little puppy dog who is happily playing with his toys a few feet away helps to restore my soul!