In January, I had my portfolio defense (similar to comps in
other PhD programs) and successfully defended my artifacts. That didn’t come without a price to pay
though. In spite of my pride in what I
had done and hard work, it wasn’t enough for some of my committee members. I was told that I wasn’t scholarly enough
among other criticisms. I felt like if I
can’t be good at this then what is the point?!
How true that is in life. No
matter what you do, you won’t be able to please everyone. Does that mean you should throw in the towel
and not give it your best shot?
Absolutely not! Does that mean
that you should resign yourself to just being average? No, keep plugging away at your weaknesses and
trying to improve. Does that mean you
should defer to others around you who shine brighter than you? I don’t think so. I think that you should get back up and keep
persevering.
I came away from my portfolio meeting feeling as if I can’t
measure up and as if my future plans are limited due to my abilities. However, I have high expectations of myself,
always have, and probably always will.
When someone tells me I can’t do something or that it’s not good enough,
I work that much harder to try to prove them (and me) wrong. At the same time, I don’t want to lose sight
of who I am, what I stand for, and what my purpose is God-willing. Would it be better to be a Meg who is working
so hard to be someone I’m not to meet the expectations of others and satisfy their perceptions? Or would it be better to be an authentic
version of myself, flaws and all? No one
is perfect. This I know. We all have something, an Achilles heel or
some sort of weakness in which we could stand to strengthen. What’s on my heart today is how do we get
through those times where it just seems like no matter what, we can’t measure
up to others’ expectations? What or who
is your support system? I was reminded
yesterday that without support, we have nothing. Not to be melodramatic but think about
it! Think of when you’ve just had a
horrible day…how do you handle it? Do
you call a parent or close sibling and vent?
Do you go home and cry to your spouse or best friend? Do you take long solitary walks with your pup
or cuddle with your cat until you feel better?
Do you pray and seek meaning in all this? Imagine then that you didn’t have that
support. How would one deal with these
feelings?
So in thinking about future plans, I very much enjoy
traveling (except when I get lost..thank you 95, 495, 695, 66, and oh 95 again
yesterday) and really really really like presenting at conferences. I love sharing what I have learned in my
research with others, bouncing ideas off of other people, collaborating with my
colleagues and co-presenting with them, learning from others, and seeing
reactions to what we’ve done in our presentations. One of my favorite experiences with
presenting occurred at last year’s Graduate Student Creativity and Expo. This is a forum that was started at my school
last year in which 80+ students competed in six different categories by
presenting their research. My colleague,
Sheresa, and I presented and won in our category. That is not why I enjoyed it so much..really,
it’s not. What I loved about the
experience was the fact that it was hands-on, interactive, dynamic, and purely
done by the students. Rather than being
set up like an academic conference in which we create posters and stand next to
them as folks ask about the research, we get to think outside the box and be
CREATIVE in presenting our ideas. If you
happen to be at or near UNCG on Tuesday, April 2nd, come find us and
learn about “When Your Car is Your Classroom” and hear how itinerant teachers of
students who are deaf/hard of hearing collaborate with others. I loved having conversations with folks who
were curious to learn about what it was we were doing at the time and seeing
these folks soak up the knowledge was very gratifying. It’s so rewarding and refreshing talking to
people who are actually interested in what it is I’m doing. It almost helps to make up for conversations
held elsewhere when a glazed look comes across the listeners’ faces as I
explain my research to them. ;) So, I’m excited to compete at the student
expo again with two other colleagues in early April. There are 120+ students participating this
year so it will be even bigger and better this year!
So, back to the fall out from my portfolio meeting, I was a
little bit crushed when conversations that were held reflected the lack of faith
in me as a future researcher when I thought of the possibility of not doing
research anymore or presenting at conferences.
No more networking opportunities, no more growing in my learnings by
attending sessions of other researchers, no more trying to better the field by
contributing in my own small way through projects, no being taken seriously or
being thought of as “good enough” to be a researcher, and no more seeing cities
I wouldn’t normally see. Those were the
thoughts that were running through my mind in the days following my portfolio
meeting. IT resurrected the feelings of
not feeling accepted or good enough when I was rejected as a Fellow when I
applied back in January 2010. However, I
can’t be bitter or resentful of that decision.
If it weren’t for my applying for the Fellowship, I wouldn’t have been
offered an Assistantship and I wouldn’t have applied to UNCG in the first
place. Looking back at my time spent in
NC, I wouldn’t have met some of the incredible people in my life today as a
result.
Yes, I moved on from my “old” purpose of being a teacher of
students with hearing loss in Pennsylvania, but I’m always going to have
remnants of that old purpose infused throughout future endeavors. My “new” purpose is to try to make a
difference in the up and coming new wave of teachers wherever I may go
next. Yes, I would absolutely LOVE to
move back to York (and teach at York College of PA dare I say?!) but realistically,
I need to go where I can find a job.
If I hadn’t been rejected as a Fellow, would I have still
gone to NC? Who knows?! I’ll never forget in the days leading up to
my leaving York, one of my friends, Ralph, took me aside. He probably doesn’t remember this but while our
friends were conversing and having a fun time, he went out of his way and asked
how I was really feeling about everything.
Before I could respond, he said, “I bet you’re excited about the move
but a bit apprehensive of the change.
You want to look ahead but you’re also scared about it. It can be intimidating and nerve wracking to
make such a big change as the one you are about to make.” You
see, Ralph had just moved to York and knew a little something about what I was
going through….it took all I could to not let the tears fall in that moment of
compassion he displayed toward me and I think of that conversation each time I
look at the beautiful Brenda Wintermyer painting of York County he and Bryan gave me as a going-away gift. I don't have that picture on my computer but here is a fun picture with Ralph from a Halloween party during my last Fall in PA.
Yes, my being in NC has caused me to miss out on both family and
friend events at home but the distance and my absence have (hopefully) helped to strengthen
old friendships, I grew in my faith, and a direct result of being in NC has
caused me to discover the music of Kim Kalman.
Her voice and beautiful message have provided many moments of
reassurance since meeting her in Feb. 2011.
I’ve had to become even more resourceful than when I lived in PA
considering I am making less than half of what I made as a teacher as a poor
graduate student and I go without pay in May, June, July, and August. I’ve done this by becoming a Living Social/Groupon
junkie and by babysitting as often as I can.
I also would not be able to be in NC if weren’t for the generosity of my
brother and his family.
Now that I am more than halfway through my program and the
light at the end of the tunnel is getting larger and larger for Dusty and me, I’m
realizing that I’m about to come upon another crossroads in my life. For someone who doesn’t do well with change,
the last 3 years have been nothing but that!
I’ve made new friends, had some laughs (and tears), and have hurt a lot
but also loved deeply. No, Dusty and I
are not going to walk off into the sunset without a care in the world come May
2014 but I do want to keep improving and striving to be the best version of
myself I can be. In spite of what others
want or say for me, I want to continue to be a student-focused teacher, build
and foster relationships with my students and colleagues rather than being a
distant and aloof professor, and don’t necessarily agree that I should try to
be someone I’m not by holding back or setting boundaries because that would be
being true to myself.
Obviously, since my meeting was held in January and it’s now
March, I’ve been pondering these thoughts for a while now. I really need to work on the fact that if I
hear 5 positive things but one negative thing about myself or performance, I
latch on to the negative and give it more importance than the positives. I’m so glad that we are all works in progress
and can continually learn and try to grow from our weaknesses. Thank goodness for redemption and 2nd
chances!! When I think back to those
initial days right after my portfolio defense in January, and the crushing blow
I felt in terms of being told I wouldn’t be a good fit at a research school, I
feel the love from my support system all over again. Here are some conversations that were held in
the days following my meeting:
Me: I was told I
wouldn’t do well at a big research school.
Perhaps York College would be a perfect fit for me. I was told my lack of research knowledge is
nothing to be embarrassed of…talk about feeling like I can’t measure up 2 days in a row…makes me wonder if all the
work I’ve done up til now has been looked at as “subpar”.
Sister-in-law: You
wouldn’t be there if you were subpar.
Your talents are probably where your passion is. Is that research or something else? I hope you have a better day! Have some extra frozen yogurt later!!!
Best friend: Everyone
has different strengths and weaknesses.
Nobody is perfect and that is what makes the world go-round. Focus on your strengths and what makes you
you. You are wonderful! God created you just the way he wanted. :)
Other best friend:
Don’t feel bad! I’m sure your
research knowledge is way better than 90% of people! Besides it’s not like you wanted a big
research school anyway!
Other best friend:
But you prob rock in applied knowledge-my counseling students in evals
said I wasn’t a “real” psychologist because I only knew research.
How blessed am I to have these girls in my life who ground me and remind me of what is really important. Have I ever said that I wanted to be a big
time researcher? Have I ever envisioned
that I would be one? Or have I always
wanted to work with student teachers and college students who are starting
their path toward becoming tomorrow’s teachers?
Whom did I say I hope to be like one day?
Thankfully, these conversations reminded me of my purpose. Does this mean that I’m going to forget
everything I’ve learned in the last 3 years?
No! Does it mean I will never do
research once I leave the grounds of UNCG?
I sure hope not! Now that I’m
about to set out and do my pilot study, MY research is about to begin and boy
is that exciting!!
Ah, back to the question of who am I? That is what this posting boils down to now
that I think about it…..from who I was to who am I now to who will I be? Those were the thoughts I’ve been ruminating
over since January and I had been itching to get these thoughts down on paper
for several weeks. It wasn’t until the
past few days when the phrase, “Who am I?” kept coming up for me over and over…from
my time at the Association of College Educators for Deaf/Hard of Hearing (ACE-DHH)
conference that was spent with Fellows and other graduate students (like
myself), to preparing for my pilot study that deals with identity to the mass
gospel last week. We heard the statement,
“I AM” and learned about who it is God says He is and we say He is in the
homily. Then, on Tuesday, I attended a
teaching philosophy workshop on campus in which the leading exercise consisted
of writing a list of “Who I am” traits.
The next day, while attending another workshop for the upcoming expo,
the presenter specifically asked us as researchers, who are you? What is your passion? One of the other students brought up one of
my favorite topics, The Golden Circle, by Simon Sinek. This made me laugh on the inside because I
was criticized for citing this very concept at my portfolio defense since it
wasn’t scholarly enough. If you have 18.5
minutes, watch this!!
Then, that night when I got home, I opened up my mail to
find this.
See what the first line says? Discover more about who you are and what you were created to be...!!
Yes, it certainly feels like I’m currently in limbo right now. I’m on the verge of starting my pilot study,
which will put me that much closer to the dissertation study and beyond to
graduation. I’m a student but I’m a
teacher. I’m a graduate assistant but
also a researcher. I’m a sister,
daughter, and aunt. I’m a friend and
colleague. I’m Dusty’s person. When I left school yesterday, after another
colleague asked herself, “Who am I?” when discussing the transition from
teacher to doc student to wife to everything else we need to be, I pondered
these thoughts once again. Then, Kim
Kalman’s song “Who am I” and “Daughter of God” came on the radio. Yes, no matter whether I’m a researcher or a
babysitter or unemployed….I’m a daughter of God and that is enough. Later on, during my trip, before I got lost
mind you, I heard Fr. Michael Schmitz say these words on one of the Lighthouse
Media Cds I was listening to (by the way, he will be at the Ignited by Truth
conference in Raleigh in April!!):
We are not defined by attractions! We are accepted with respect and compassion. We are made for greatness. That is our dignity because we were made in the
image of God. Yes, we all struggle with
something but we should unite the suffering!
Through self mastery, prayer, & sacramental grace we can overcome
the weakness(es). We may feel our sins
are too big and are ashamed but they’re NOT too big for Jesus. You are bigger than weaknesses.
The last line really struck home for me. I AM bigger than my weaknesses. So, I may not be as strong in research as
some of my colleagues. I may need to
spend more time on my writing than others.
It may take me longer to process information at the PhD level than my peers. This is such a shift from my previous
schooling experiences when I used to be at the top of my classes and the go-to
person for information. But that’s
okay. I am bigger than my weaknesses at
this level and am not defined by them. I
will simply have to look for a job that values me for what I am strong in…I
will have to search for a good match in what fits my beliefs and purpose
regardless of others’ perceptions or expectations for me. So, yes, when I look at where I’ve been, how
far I’ve come, and where I’m going, I’m proud of my hard work but also realize
that I have a long road of me, as do we all. Let's just hope I can hang on to this resolve and come out unscathed at my dissertation proposal meeting in April...eek!
