Mountain too steep to climb?

“Your proposal is on it’s way but it hasn’t arrived yet…”

When I heard those words at my committee meeting on Wednesday afternoon, my heart sank.  I knew that what would follow this sentence would not bring me good news in spite of having worked so hard on the first three chapters of my dissertation over the last year.   

As the members of my committee dispersed and I cleared the conference room of my materials, old feelings of rejection surfaced as April 24^th felt a lot like a day in early May 2010 on which I received word that I had been denied the Fellowship I had applied for five months prior….it wasn’t until I read the words that I had not been selected, in a cold impersonal email, that I realized how much I had been wanting the opportunity and change at that time.   

As I sat and listened to committee member after committee member dismantle something that was so near and dear to my heart and that I had invested so much of myself into, feelings of "I didn’t measure up" or "I wasn’t good enough" rose up in me.  Fortunately the tears that threatened to fall didn’t come until I was back in the GA Lab as I worked on getting started on the revisions.  

Not only did I feel as though I had let myself, my advisor, and family down but I also felt disappointed for all those who had been eagerly awaiting to hear my news and whether or not I were going to be in PA for data collection for my dissertation study in a few short days.  So many folks had sent encouraging messages/voicemails/well wishes before the meeting from PA to VA to NC and beyond….one even shared that Fr. Vince, my priest, had offered up a prayer during that morning’s mass at the local Catholic high school! 

What a lesson in humility (and patience) in being the first doctoral student in my advisor’s career of serving as a committee member to not pass the proposal defense.  Having never failed a class (albeit I received horrible grades in Math in high school but I never failed a class mind you) before, as of late, in these meetings with my committee, I feel as if I’m on shaky ground.  It’s unsettling being told your hard and long nights efforts are not considered “good enough” but I am grateful for these opportunities to grow, not only as a scholar/researcher but also as a person.   

Would I rather be in the gray safe zone of comfort or do I want to be pushed to the limit and then some into uncharted territory?  Sure, it hurts and will be frustrating at times but the end goal will be so worth it.  As one of my best friends has often said, “If it were easy, everyone would be doing it” so yes, there will be more hard days on the horizon but hopefully as I take the feedback and constructive criticism from Wed. with me into the next couple months as I work to redo my proposal, I will not give in to the anxiety and worry (too much) in trying to still graduate in 4 years and move on to the next step in my journey, wherever that may lead me.   

God does work in mysterious ways and I feel that this mountain that has been placed before me will be used for good in the future somehow.  I may not know the purpose right now but I am willing to trust and believe that it will be served a purpose.

After my meeting, I stayed at the office and worked on a chart outlining revisions to submit to my committee until 10:45pm, putting in a 13 hour work day after having gotten about 5 hours of sleep the night before…..to say I was exhausted by the time I got home at 11:30pm is an understatement.

In reflecting on the events of the sad day last week, the title of my proposed dissertation came from an interaction I had with an instructor during my undergraduate career who abruptly interrupted me in mid conversation to ask if I was “deaf or hard of hearing?  Which do you go by?”….which ended up being a life-changing moment for me.  Ironically, this professor had defended her dissertation twice, while at IUP, and failed, thereby not graduating and not receiving her doctorate.  It wasn’t until she moved from PA to NJ and attended a university there that on her third try, she was successful at defending and moving on to the next phase of her academic career.  I sure hope that this past week’s failure at passing my proposal defense is not an indication of things to come that mirror what happened with that instructor…!  

The next day, as I traveled from NC to Richmond, VA, then onward to York, PA, I tried to keep in mind that each day is a fresh day and a chance to try again.  On Thursday, I spent 12 hours driving from the South to the North (stay away from all highways ending with 9 and 5 people…unless you want to sit in a parking lot on a highway all day : /).  As I listened to Kim Kalman sing “This is the Day the Lord has made, and I will be glad and rejoice in it!”, I tried to think positive thoughts and remain hopeful that after continued hard work and perseverance, that my proposal will eventually be deemed satisfactory in the eyes of my committee.  

 As if that weren’t enough, just as I was enjoying the chorus of the song, "This is the Day", my phone buzzed with an incoming call….from Kim, the singer, herself!  My Mom says God shows up in others to serve as a reminder that we’re not alone and this was certainly evident in the texts, calls, and messages I received from others throughout Wednesday and Thursday.  From a caring secretary who let me fall apart for a few minutes in the kitchen at work to supportive mentors/colleagues weighing in on alternative approaches to best friends willing to listen to bits and pieces of the story even if it doesn’t 100% make sense to them in spite of having to be up 4 hours from then to get ourselves to the airport, God certainly is evident.  I know, in the big picture of this journey we call life, that this proposal rejection will be a blip on the radar but right now, it is hard to see past the here and now and beyond to May 9, 2014.

So, it’s with renewed vigor that I tackle this challenge and seek to make my work that much stronger as I can already see it will be through the changes suggested by my committee and the long hours I spent working on my chart of proposed revisions the other night.

On the way home from the office on Wed. night, I made an impromptu visit to see my brother at his store (he works nights).  As I headed home from his work, I impulsively turned down a side street and took a different way home.  Upon doing so, I saw a church sign that said, "When you reach your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there"....a message I certainly needed to see that night!!

As I fell asleep that evening, I thought to myself how the prayers from those who had sent me well wishes didn’t work but in hindsight, now, a few days later, I think that they did work in a different way!  Instead of focusing on all that wasted time of missing out on trips back home, not being able to participate in family time/gatherings due to working on the proposal over the last year as being all for nothing…I think that perhaps this is all to serve me a lesson in humility and patience yet again.  Plus, the rejection is giving me more time to grow and improve…I just need to keep in mind that all will happen in His will/timing, NOT mine!