I Confess...

When in CA at the start of Lent, I started playing the Lent Marathon Game I play each year during this season of sacrifice and penance.  When I drew the strip of paper that had the words, "Go to confession once a week" written on it, I struggled with finding a church that offered Reconciliation during the hectic schedule.  I headed back to NC without having found an opportunity to go to confession so I figured I would go twice the week I returned to the south.  The morning after I landed, I saw my priest after mass but there was no scheduled confession at that time and besides, I had the baby with me.  So, I emailed Fr. Vince the next time I was online asking if we could set up a Confession Service for the church group sometime during Lent as we had done a few years ago.  A few days passed before I heard from Fr. Vince.  He's a busy man and highly in demand!  In the meantime, I attempted to go to Confession at a nearby church in the next town.  The bulletin and website advertised that they had confession after a morning mass so I made sure to attend mass.  However, when I approached the priest and asked if I could do confession with him, he said no because I did not have an appointment.  I asked, "But don't you advertise that you have confession after the daily mass on Thursdays?"  He nodded but again explained I would need to make an appointment.  How discouraging! 

The next night, while attending Stations of the Cross at my church, Father caught my attention and brought up my email saying he would respond the next day.  I felt relief as I realized that maybe I would get to talk with him after all and be able to help coordinate the Confession Service for our group and looked forward to receiving his email.  On Saturday, I was finally able to attend Confession with one of the many priests available to us at the Ignited by Truth conference.  How hard those priests worked as every time I walked by the Confession area that day they were still there making themselves available to the attendees of the conference who chose to participate in the sacrament of Reconciliation.

With the start of a new week, I was elated to hear from a friend that she had scheduled an appointment for the both of us to go to Confession this week after daily mass.  We met this morning, attended mass together, then approached Father after mass.  A third woman joined us and stood in line as we waited outside the Confessional to which Father said, "I can only see two as I only have ten minutes".  I felt sorry for the woman as she dejectedly walked away from us.  In hindsight, I sort of wish I had given up my slot so she could have talked with Father since she may have needed it more than I.

I followed Fr. into the confessional (who does not know me since this is not my usual church) and sat down in the chair opposite from him.  I thanked him for his time and began my confession.  He abruptly interrupted me and said, "Kneeling is preferred" and pointed to the kneeler behind the screen.  I looked at him in surprise and said, "Excuse me?"  He repeated, "Kneeling is preferred".  At this point, my frustration doubled, no tripled, and I thought to myself, no, I would prefer face to face so I responded, "Well, Father, I would rather do face to face.  I can kneel here (on the ground) if you would prefer."  He stared back at me.  So I used the hearing card (something I NEVER do) and said, "You see, I have hearing loss and it's easier for me to hear you without that screen blocking us.  But I will kneel here if you would like."  Inside, I marveled at the irony since the church itself does not have kneelers and this is the only Catholic church in which I have ever seen this.  The priest gruffly responded and closed his eyes.  I wasn't sure if I was to proceed or not and after ten seconds of staring at him (and wondering if he was going to squeeze in a catnap), I began my confession again.  

A minute into what I shared with Father, he opened his eyes and said, "That is spiritual direction, THIS is confession."  I don't think my mouth fell open as I stared back at him but I can't be sure.  He continued, "Have you any sins you want to share?"  I was flabbergasted...after all the trouble it took to get in here, then to be scolded for not kneeling, now my confession is not good enough, and oh, we have about three minutes left to talk.....and my mind went blank.  Then, as if on auto-pilot, I started talking about what I shared with the priest at IBT on Saturday.  I left that room feeling as if I needed to go to Confession again due to the feelings the current so-called confession evoked.  

Reflecting on this particular experience of trying to participate in the sacrament with someone who's livelihood should embody being available to the people through ministering of the sacrament and serving as a pastor and overcoming obstacle after obstacle in doing so is making me wonder what the lesson is.  Is it to be persistent and to not give up easily...is it to embrace working with and communicating with others of completely opposite personalities?  Is it to teach me to develop a thicker skin and not take things so personally because everything is not about each of us and we could all stand to improve in taking on a more global perspective rather than be so focused on ourselves and "what's in it for me"....!?

However, I keep coming back to how these varied interactions have made me, as a virtual stranger, feel.  What if I had been away from the church (and Confession) for 20 years and was making my way back to the church?  What if I was debating converting to Catholicism and wanted to speak to the priest?  What if I had just become Catholic and this was my first time attempting Confession on my own?  What if I had committed a life or death sin and absolutely needed to confess and talk with a priest?  

Had I not had the background or faith I have, these interactions, and especially today's might have pushed me over the edge and further away from the Church than I was had any of these scenarios been true.  This morning's experience also brought up memories of when a priest told members of the church group we could not meet for our book study since mass was scheduled to happen at that time a few years ago.  Never mind that I had reserved a room in the church through the church secretary.  Never mind that the book was Matthew Kelly's "Rediscovering Catholicism".  Never mind that the group was a fledgling group comprised of new members (two of whom did not return after that interaction with the priest).  Since it was a warm summer's night, we wound up sitting on the sidewalk outside the church and conducted our book study there while mass occurred inside the church.  I know instances such as these I've shared here occur in every religion and that we can't let the actions, or inactions, of one or two folks dictate how we feel about others in that same profession.  It's just disappointing to see it happening in a place where we should feel at home, regardless if we are parishioners or "belong" to the church, and with someone who is to provide guidance and direction.

I suppose the silver lining of this experience is that I will appreciate the good ones all the more ~ ~ ~ Specifically when we do that Confession Service with Fr. Vince soon.  Admittedly, I'm in a grumpy mood and did not enjoy starting out my day in this way but as my friend- Bridget sings in the video at the link below, I'm countin' on a miracle things will get better and still believe everything happens for a reason/has a purpose!

Additionally, I'm aware that for every not so good priest, or teacher, or supervisor, or clerk, there are ten excellent ones so I shouldn't let a few negative experiences color my perceptions of others.  Hmm, perhaps this is what I will need to focus on in my next confession...!

https://soundcloud.com/bridgetandbruce/counting-on-a-miracle  --- >  SUCH a gorgeous version of the song!!


Update:  I received this awesome message from one of my friends in response to this post.  What wise words!!

Priests are like anyone else. They are as diverse in their personalities and strengths as any other profession. They have weaknesses and strengths, faults and virtues. You will have difficult priests, temperamental ones, gruff ones, strict ones, just as you will have all of those in teaching or health care or any profession. It's terribly frustrating when you encounter these problems from some priests, but the best way to deal with these situations is to look to the saints as role models. Saint Bernadette initially had a hard time with her rough and tumble priest, but her humility, patience, and courage changed his heart. Saint Therese also had a hard time with one when she was trying to become a Carmelite, but she persevered, even going to the Pope! In the heat of the situation, it's easy to get angry or frustrated or hurt. We're human and it hurts to have people treat us in a way that we feel is rude. Our pride is hurt. But, after some time, and calming down, In after thought, try to find the beauty in the person. Try to see a strength. Try to find which flower they are in God's garden. And, most of all, pray for them. Embrace humility in the moment. We can never learn enough humility and such situations teach us of the diverse and immense variety of flowers out there and how much we have to learn of ourselves (our weaknesses and building up of strengths) in being able to reach, understand, and finally embrace them.